Man, I sound cold

[almostsane]

If I lose some of you because of length, I understand, but I just need to vent/talk it out. I am a black and white person. I see very little shade of gray, even though I should. I know this, yet I can not seem to make myself see much more than black and white. I feel that if you make your bed, lie in it or get the heck up and move on. Okay, that being said, I will now get to the real problem. My younger sister is 26. She has a young child, 6 year old son, and a step-daughter who is 8. She has been married for 5 years to the same loser. She doesn’t see him as a loser, but the rest of the family does. She is extremely overweight and is constantly talking about dieting, but never stays on one. I realize that she has issues, very serious issues, which she deals with by eating.
If you’re still here, here is the real problem. Just after Thanksgiving, she went into a rehab facility/mental hospital. I was told that the doctor admitted her (my thinking that he thought she needed to be there), but I later found out that she admitted herself in. She has been taking two different antidepressants, 4 pills a day, for 2 years! What??? I took antidepressants for a couple of months a while back. My doctor would not even prescribe them for me without me agreeing to some form of counseling. I got it, got better, and got off the drugs. We are not talking a manic depressive or bipolar person here. She talks about the drugs as if she is proud to be taking them. No therapy, will not talk to a psychiatrist, nothing. She stayed in the center for 3 WHOLE DAYS!!! That is all the doctors would let her stay. When I asked her about the problem, she told me that she still had bad days, but that things were better. She really couldn’t tell me what the problem was, she just thought she was having a nervous breakdown.

So, I want to tell her this: Grow up; life is not fair; if you are not happy, change things; get a divorce; find a new job; go on a diet; whatever it takes to make you happy, by all means, do it; admitting yourself to the center because you need some attention is not the way to get it. Please, I know I sound cold and not understanding. That is not how I mean it, I am just the kind of person who deals with things. Someone please tell me what she is going through. I have a child and one on the way, I have been unhappy before, but I don’t understand how you can choose to leave your children knowing that they won’t understand this. She has always been one of those people that need attention and lots of it. I want to wring her neck. Sorry so long, but I just need to get it out.

[Marisa6826]

Disclaimer: I understand that this is the Bitching Post and that you're just venting. However, please allow me to offer this.

There are many different types of depression. There's the I can't handle the stress of every day living type and there's the I can't get out of bed without thinking of ways to die type. Have you considered that maybe you and your sister have perhaps not had the same experience with the illness? You may also not be privy to all that's been going on in her life at the moment. Certainly if my sibling thought my spouse sucked, I might not be as, uh, open about what's going on in my house. My guess is that being 26 with two young kids taking handfuls of antidepressants wasn't her life goal. Having an extended family that's not supportive probably isn't helping.

But back to the issue at hand...

I've been in the dark woods of major depression. And it's awful. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy. The thing about it is, you simply can't describe it to anybody. It robs you of your ability to feel, to do, to simply BE.

And, hey, I'm overweight, and I have a 5 and 3yo. But if I thought that I was not being a good parent, or even worse - being a BAD one - damn straight I'd do something about it (if I was able to find the strength to do so during a major depressive state). If that meant gathering my druthers and checking myself into a psych unit for a few days to regroup, then I'd do it. And thankfully it was only three days. That means that the doctors think she's not gone too far down a really, really destructive road that affects EVERYBODY - her spouse, her kids, and everybody around her.

So, instead of it being black and white from your perspective, maybe you might need to see it from hers? Instead than beating your sister down, maybe offer to take her kids off her hands for a couple days to let her regroup. Ask HER what she needs (rather than what YOU think she does) and listen rather than talk.

That's probably the best gift you can give her.

So, yeah, life isn't fair. Maybe, just maybe, this is the time that you, as an older sister need to bite your tongue and be there for your sister that - it seems - could certainly use a shoulder.

Just my opinion.

-m

Oh, and kudos to you for being able to get on and off your anti-depressants so quickly.

[almostsane]

You are right. I do need to be the big sister and just listen. I openly admit that I have very little sympathy for "what I deem" as whining. It is a serious flaw in me and I know it. I will try to work on it for her sake and my neice and nephew. I simply can not fathom what that kind of depression is like, therefor, I can not figure out how to deal with it. When I don't know how to deal with stuff like that, I can not find the sympathy for those people. That might not make sense, completely, but I am going to do my best to just be there for her. Maybe she truly has a medical problem, maybe the medication will help, I wish she would get therapy, and she probably wishes that I was a better sister. That is going to be my goal...to be a better sister to her. Thank you for the wake up call. I think my 2008 resolution just might be to add shades of gray to my life!

BTW, I do not mean to make light of any type of depression. It is just so hard for me to understand that she is that depressed. I guess since I have never been there, I just can't understand it. I hope that I didn't offend you or anyone else. I have seen distant relatives so depressed that they did try to commit suicide and I understand that it does affect you and everyone around you. My brain just can't fathom that my little sister is that person. Once again, I am going to work on it. Compassion, compassion, compassion. Something I need to be praying for.

[Marisa6826]

I'm really happy that you took my post in the spirit in which it was intended. As I said, until you've been there (and God willing, you never will be), you really can't understand severe depression.

Here's a link to an excellent post about living with somebody who has chronic depression, and has been hospitalised for it, and had a young child. I don't know if you're familiar with the blogger Dooce (Heather Armstrong is her real name), but it's by her husband.

http://blurbomat.com/archives/2007/12/20/how-i-do/


If you go to Heather's website, www.dooce.com , you can search her archives and find her brutally honest posts about what it's like to have a young child and face paralysing depression, and know that it's either get help, or quite literally, go crazy. It's not an easy read, but I think that it might help you grasp what your sister is going through.

There was a great essay on darvala.net, but I got a 404 error when I looked up my bookmark. I'll keep looking though.

-m

[ellies mom]

If you go to Heather's website, www.dooce.com , you can search her archives and find her brutally honest posts about what it's like to have a young child and face paralysing depression, and know that it's either get help, or quite literally, go crazy. It's not an easy read, but I think that it might help you grasp what your sister is going through.


Thanks for mentioning dooce, Marisa. If you go to her site now, the current entry talks about it from her husband's perspective and there are some very recent entries on the topic also.

[vludmilla]

That was a really great post, Marisa.
Just one more thought about depression. I think sometimes people who haven't experienced a severe depression think that depression is context dependent. That is, you can't be THAT depressed if your life doesn't seem to be that bad. The inverse of this is that sometimes people think someone is severely depressed because of all the things that seem wrong about the person's life. This is most certainly not the case. Severe depression is a biochemical experience. Neurotransmitters (chemicals) in the brain are out of balance and are wreaking havoc on the depressed person's mood, motivation, energy, appetite, sleep, perceptions, thoughts...
Your sister's life, though it may be stressful and her husband might be lousy, is NOT the cause of her depression. She could have a practically "perfect" life and be utterly depressed or live in abject poverty and never experience a day of depression.
Oh, and one more thing...the three day hospitalization is not so unusual. Insurance limitations dictate inpatient stays and so three days is pretty common these days. I don't think it is an indicator of illness severity, per se. And as for checking herself in...if she wasn't depressed enough for hospitalization, her insurance wouldn't have covered it and the doctors probably wouldn't have approved the stay. It's not like I can just stop by my local hospital and check myself in for mini break if I'm feeling run-down or under the weather, KWIM.
Also, I applaud your motivation to be more open-minded about your sister. I think it isn't easy to see our own weaknesses and harder still to try to change them.

[JoyNChrist]

Just one more thought about depression. I think sometimes people who haven't experienced a severe depression think that depression is context dependent. That is, you can't be THAT depressed if your life doesn't seem to be that bad.

This is an excellent point. I'm currently on Prozac for post-partum depression. When I talked about it with my doctor, I initially didn't think I was depressed at all. I was just tired and fatigued and irritable and weepy. When he suggested that it might be PPD, I actually said "But I don't have anything to be sad about! I love my husband and my baby and I have a wonderful family and supportive friends...I can't be depressed because I'm so happy!"

And he said, "Honey, your quality of life doesn't affect your depression, your depression affects your quality of life." And when you think about it, that's true - if you're really depressed, it doesn't matter how much your life improves or worsens. You're still going to be depressed, because your life has nothing to do with it - it's your brain.

Now, I haven't experienced severe depression - we caught my PPD early, and the medication and making time for myself has really helped. But I can only imagine how difficult it must be, because even my minor situation screwed up my universe for a while.

[almostsane]

I did a lot of thinking last night and a lot of soul searching, for the sister I want to be, and I finally called "Lil Sis" last night. I took Marissa's advice and just listened. I asked how she was doing and I really meant it. She sounded like she was in good spirits, the kids were already in the bed, and we got to talk for about an hour. I asked if my nephew could come over to play this weekend. Note: I would have offered to keep both of them, but I don't know the niece that well and don't really think that she would go with me. Anyway, this made my heart swell, Sis said that was sweet of me, but that she just really wanted to spend some time with her kids and that they were going to the park or an indoor play center. I have no words for all of this, except I am so sorry for not trying to learn more about her problems. I told her this and also told her that if she needed anything, to just let me know. Thanks to all of you for your input.

[Jenn98]

Maybe instead of focusing on your sister you can focus on your niece and nephew. Try taking them for an afternoon here and there. It's not easy being a child in a home with conflict and it will do your sister and them some good to have a break. Maybe by focusing on outings with them it will give you something concrete to do while also being emotionally supportive of your sister.

And I agree with the other posters. Unless you have been there you really cannot have any idea what depression is like. Kudos to you for trying, though!

[tarabenet]

I think this whole discussion and your update are all great! it is a tought topic, because you can't "make sense of" depression -- it isn't rational and can't be explained or even described as if it is.

One of the things my doc said to me year ago though, still sticks with me and seems like a useful point. I was crying over the idea of taking an antidepressant -- it sounded so serious, and ill, and like I was a failure. She said "You wouldn't feel like there was something wrong with taking medicine for diabetes, would you? This is just another form of physical illness, of a chemical imbalance, and one we can correct and manage this way." If you had had an episode of extreme blood-sugar swing, you wouldn't compare your experience with your diabetic sister's ongoing lifestyle adjustments, right? But you might be abe to use your experience as the tiniest window into what her life was like. Nor would you feel the need to judge her for being briefly hospitalized for blood sugar or other such issues, right? Depression is similar to other chronic health conditions in so many ways.

I think you are already headed down a great path. I don't think I'm pointing you in a new direction. Just trying to help you keep up the courage to continue dealing with her in this new way. I suspect one day you will look back on this whole event as a huge milestone in yourown maturing, regardless of whether she continues to immprove her own state or not. you should be very proud of yourself for making such a huge shift in how you look at this. It isn't easy, but it sounds like you are truly giving it your best effort.

Your sister is lucky to have you!

[lizajane]

sounds like things are going better for you two. only one other thought- my friends with counseling degrees often use the phrase, "what can i do to help?"

maybe next time she complains to you, you can try, "what can i do to help?" and maybe she will ask you for childcare or to go on a walk with her or to help her find a good counselor. you never know!