Is there something wrong with this?

[JoyNChrist]

I posted recently that my cousin and his wife had a baby boy on December 17th. Since then, the baby has spent 4 nights with my grandmother and 2 nights with my aunt. He has been left with a family member for at least 4 hours every single day since they came home from the hospital.

Does that seem weird to anybody else? I mean, I know that I didn't let my mother take DS home to visit without me until he was several months old, and he only recently spent his first night away from home. To leave your newborn (who was less than a week old the first time they left him) overnight seems very odd to me.

I guess I could understand if he was a colicky baby or there were some other complications, but he's literally the best baby I've ever seen - just eats and sleeps. His mom did have a C-section, but they stayed in the hospital a full 4 days and there were no other complications (and every time I've seen her she seems to be getting around fine). Dad works during the day, but he's only gone about 8 hours and he seems more than willing to help out at night. They're formula-feeding, so it's not like Mom has to take care of all the feedings or anything.

I don't know...it just seems so odd to me. I worry that it could be a sign of postpartum depression. Mom did have a history of depression before she got pregnant, so I know that puts her at an increased risk. I want to mention it to my cousin, but DH thinks I should mind my own business. He doesn't think there's anything wrong, he just thinks she treats parenthood differently than I did. But dealing with PPD myself, and helping my friend with postpartum psychosis, makes me kind of sensitive to the issue. I want to see her get help if she needs it.

What do y'all think? Is this a red flag, or are some people just not super-crazy about their babies?

[bubbaray]

Hard to say. I can tell you that neither of my girls has ever spent a night away from us, ever. DD#1 is 3.5, DD#2 is 11m. So, it really depends on your perspective.

[elizabethkott]

I also have never spent a night away from DS. But I have a friend who saw nothing wrong with leaving their DS with her in-laws for a week so she and hubby could spend a week in Napa when DS was four months old. Same friend also saw nothing wrong with sending DS to the in-laws for two nights when he was sick so she and hubby could "get some sleep". While her choices baffle me and aren't what I would chose to do, I sort of have to chalk it up to her personality (where convienence is everything).
I would say use your gut instincts. Is there a way you can spend a little more time with your cousin's DW and gauge what's going on? Or perhaps mention it to your mom, who may then speak to her sibling to pass on to the cousin?
I hope everything turns out okay for her, your cousin, and the sweet baby...

[elliput]

Isn't this the same woman who was consistantly reminding everyone that she was pregnant and that Christmas would have to be rescheduled?

Her behaviour could be an indicator of PPD since she has had depression in the past, but it also is obviously all about her. I'd keep an eye out, but even though they are family, I would keep my distance if I were in your shoes.

[lizajane]

maybe you could say to your cousin, "how is everything going with the new baby? please let me know if i can offer and tips or ideas. it was pretty hard in those first few weeks and i would love to share my experience with you. i was definitely worn out! is your wife doing ok with the lack of sleep and the new challeneges?"

perhaps that would be enough to start a conversation"?

[daniele_ut]

I agree that it would be hard to say. I have a friend who left her 3 month old with her parents for a week to go on a vacation, yet I didn't spend a night away from DS till he was over a year old and it was only because my dh tricked me and surprised me with an overnight stay in NYC and tickets to Wicked. She never had post-partum depression either.

I think some people are just more "ok" with leaving their babies with others, even at young ages. Both of my sisters formula fed their babies and left them with my mom overnight at young ages. They both went back to work at 6 weeks with each kid. I'd stay out of it unless you see some outward signs that she's neglecting her baby.

[Binkandabee]

Hard to say, for sure. I experienced no post partum depression whatsoever and my DD spent a good amount of time at my MIL's just after she was born (still does and she's 4.5). Certainly not because I wanted to get away from DD but because I feel like the more people DD is around that love her, the better off and better well rounded she is. I've had this belief from the beginning and am not at all opposed to other family members having time as much time with DD as they want to. However, she did not stay overnight until she was about 18 months old and it was certainly not 4 hours everday.

I'd be concerned in those very first few days that the baby would not be bonding with the parents like it should be.

I'd just call and check in on them everyfew days and let them know you're there for them if they need anything at all. I had a friend who had severe PPD (unbeknowst to me) and I called her each and every week for the first few months of her DD's life. Just recently she told me just how much that meant to her.

[elephantmeg]

I think some parents are just more attachmen oriented than others. I didn't leave DS til 13 months (overnight) and rarely did anyone watch him when I wasn't at work. But our good friends had a baby 4 months later and left/leave their son a ton. Different strokes for different folks I guess

[caleymama]

I agree that it would be hard to say.

I think some people are just more "ok" with leaving their babies with others, even at young ages.

I agree with this - wouldn't be my way of doing things, but to each their own. I personally didn't have a night away from either of my girls until they were over a year, and even then they were with DH. I do know others that have lots of extended family around that spend a lot of time caring for babies and even doing overnights.

My first thought upon reading your post, though, was that perhaps she's being pro-active about PPD and using outside/extra help to try to ward off being/feeling overwhelmed. Maybe not even on a conscious level. I know from experience that it can be very easy to try to "do it all" and end up in a really rough place. I wouldn't necessarily take her behavior as an indication that she's experiencing PPD, but you're good to be keeping an eye on her.

[Melanie]

Well my children have never spent a night away from me. I don't think my son was babysat until we had to leave him for two hours for a wedding when he was 7 months or so. We've only just started going out at night and having grandma & grandpa put them to bed (at our home). So I don't think I'd give an accurate mainstream response. Of course *I* think it's odd. But there are a lot of things "most" people do that I find odd or sad.

[JBaxter]

"I" personally think there is something way wrong with leaving a baby that little that much. Non of my boys spent a night away until they were well over a year old and I think I can count those times.

But different strokes for different folks :(

[ellies mom]

Like others have said, it is just hard to say.

My brother's MIL took my nephew overnight once a week from a very young age. She really enjoyed having him and wanted to give my brother and his wife an evening together. So her mom may really be pushing it and in her circle it may be pretty common.

Me? Well, DD didn't have a babysitter until she was almost three and she's never spent a night away from us. This next baby will have a babysitter much sooner because I've got to take my last A&P class when the baby is 2 months old.

[JoyNChrist]

Thanks for the perspective ladies. I guess I'll just try to keep an eye on things and see how it goes.

[Ceepa]

That's tough. I would gently ask how things are going. Can you get a feel for the situation from anyone who has watched the baby? Maybe the parents said something to them.

It's kind of you to be concerned that this new family may be struggling.

-Ceepa

[kijip]

It's hard to say if it is PPD but it could be an indicator for sure. I do think it is odd- I can't imagine wanting to leave my baby so much but then again, I was a WOHM when he was a newborn and after being at work for much of the day, I wanted all the time I could get with him. Might have been different for me if I was at home.

[ThreeofUs]

I think you're right to be concerned.

I've been thinking about your post since I read it earlier today, and it just makes me sad. One of the best things about kids is the attachment, and I can't imagine having DS out of my sight that much even now.

Is it possible that this is "normal" for one of the parents? Or perhaps that they need help and would rather take the baby to family members rather than having (for example) a post-partum doula?

[maestramommy]

It's certainly not the way I would do it, but I don't know if it's particularly odd. Last year I found out that a mom in my group went back to the Phillipines to see her family, then came home without her baby (who was still less than a year old). He stayed with her family for about 3 months. Apparently besides grandparents and other extended family, the boy was cared for by the family nanny, who raised her (the mom) as well. While we who were talking about it found it rather shocking, to us it's just a cultural difference. I have no idea why the boy was left, as there didn't seem to be any problems with the parents. As far as I could tell that's just the way it was.

[mommy111]

My first thought upon reading your post, though, was that perhaps she's being pro-active about PPD and using outside/extra help to try to ward off being/feeling overwhelmed. Maybe not even on a conscious level. I know from experience that it can be very easy to try to "do it all" and end up in a really rough place. I wouldn't necessarily take her behavior as an indication that she's experiencing PPD, but you're good to be keeping an eye on her.

I agree with this, first-time parenthood is hard enough, and if she's leaving DC with loving family members who are happy to help so that she can have a few good hours of sleep, a visit to the gym or even a manicure, and if this helps her avoid being depressed, good for her and the baby!

[JoyNChrist]

I agree with this, first-time parenthood is hard enough, and if she's leaving DC with loving family members who are happy to help so that she can have a few good hours of sleep, a visit to the gym or even a manicure, and if this helps her avoid being depressed, good for her and the baby!

You're right. I guess maybe asking if something was "wrong" with it was the wrong way to put it. I was just wondering if it was a red flag or something, that maybe she didn't want to spend time with the baby or wasn't bonding well. I think my friend's recent scary episode of postpartum psychosis has me really sensitive to things like this.

[mommy111]

You're right. I guess maybe asking if something was "wrong" with it was the wrong way to put it. I was just wondering if it was a red flag or something, that maybe she didn't want to spend time with the baby or wasn't bonding well. I think my friend's recent scary episode of postpartum psychosis has me really sensitive to things like this.
And I guess I'm a little envious of your/her family that is so willing and generous with their time, including taking the baby so that the parents can get a few nights of good sleep after sickness :) I remember every cold/ fever/neonatal jaundice episode/rotavirus infection that first year and I would have died for that kind of family support. Also, I would have died to be to be able to spend an uninterrupted 20 mins in front of the computer, or just in the shower with the shower door closed the first year :)