just feel like complaining... how do you respond?

[spu]

It seems like everyone is a critic whenever I say anything about my parenting habits with the babies. Yes, I'm still nursing, yes, charlotte sleeps with us, no, they don't drink from a bottle, no they can't have cookies... People say "oh, you don't want her to start sleeping with you - that's the worst thing you can do..." or all kinds of other pieces of advice that I don't agree with and I don't have a quick response when they come right out with their opinions. Esp. the 'cry it out' methods which we don't do. They say it's good to let a baby cry for 15-20 minutes. "How else will she learn to settle herself?" ugh!

So how do you respond? Other than changing the subject, I'm not always quick with responses. WIth their party this weekend, I'm sure to get alot of eyes and opinions... Some things I can keep to myself (like the sleeping situation) but others, like nursing, are a bit more obvious.

susan

twin girls 7.20.02
charlotte & else

[KMommie]

Isn't it amazing, how everyone thinks that they should put their two cents in about your parenting? I thought it was bad enough when I was pregnant and I had total strangers coming up to me to rub my belly! At least, they would just rub and leave!!

DH prefers that I just nod my head, and be polite... then continue to do what we want. However, I sometimes get upset, I guess because I take it personally, that these people are implying that I'm a "bad mother." So, if I respond, it's usually with gritted teeth! Sometimes, I will try to change the person's mind, especially when it comes to feeding and sleeping. I'll start a lot of my sentences with "Well, nowadays, the experts say..." Or I might say, "Well, we've done some research, and it seems that this way is the best way for us." or "Cry it out? Oh my, I wish I could learn to listen to her cry, but it just tears my heart out, I can't!" and "Well, you know, times have changed..." Of course, in a different post, BoardBaby wrote about someone else using "Oh yeah, and you never used to buckle your kids in cars either-just let them fly into the windshield!" As, in... times have changed! Parenting has changed!!

Anyway, probably the best thing to know is that you are doing what is best for your girls. That, all said and done, is what counts!! DH says that most of these people are trying to be helpful, so you shouldn't get too down on them, but I know it's HARD!

Good luck, and if it helps, you're not alone, you have plenty of company!!

Jeannie
mommy to Kiki 4/18/03

[lizajane]

someone recommended to me, "i am glad that X worked so well for you."

as in, "my baby didn't need to nurse at that age"
"i am glad that bottles worked so well for you. that must have been nice for you to be able to allow your spouse to give him a bottle so that you could have some time alone."

people love to feel right, so let them feel like their method was right for THEM, even though it was not for you.

i do a lot of saying, "X is my choice." that is to say, i considered it, and i CHOOSE what i am doing.

by the way, even though co-sleeping wasn't our choice, everything you are doing sounds GREAT to me!! good for you for finding what works for you and your family and for sticking to it, no matter what others say about it!

[lisams]

I usually say "Oh, you haven't read the newest research that supports _____?" Or "To each his/her own." Or you could say "They're both so happy and healthy and I attribute that to our parenting style."

Good luck at the party and enjoy celebrating your babes birthday!
Lisa

[pritchettzoo]

How about, "I guess that's one of the perks of being a parent--I get to screw my kids up any way I see fit?"

P.S. I'm getting toward the bitchy end stage of pregnancy...and have no personal experience...but I am dreading the impending comments from my step-mother (who has never even raised a baby!). So I look forward to some, um, more polite ways to deal with this!

[nola]

Susan, you are doing so wonderful. I saw one of your posts the other day, and I wanted to comment on how much I admire your fortitude to BF your two like you have. You are a miracle-mom. I just didn't want the non-BF moms to think I was dissing them.

One of the things my husband and I laugh about is how these baby parenting books are so contradictory. I have never seen anything else quite like it. You pick up one book and it says, "it is essential that your newborn be introduced to a regular schedule at once" and another says "only your child knows when he should be fed" For a while I kept searching for the "right" answer, but never found one. I would think that something as basic and well-practiced for centuries would have an answer. So, with parenting the baby, I try not to hold distain for others. I wouldn't want others to criticize my methods either. Parents should really be more supportive of each other, and sometimes I think they would be if they were more confident in their own parenting.

My advice is to answer these misplaced comments with a simple yet polite, "This is how I feed her." "Our sleeping arrangement is working for us" "My husband and I have agreed that this is how we want to deal with it" Look them straight in the eyes in a way that makes you seem completely solid on the issue, and answer them with such confidence, such finality, that the discussion is over (period). If they are crazy enough to try to make a second attempt, repeat yourself, slow and evenly, without the slightest hint of frustration. If they seem to cut the discussion short, and seem to leave to talk to someone else shortly thereafter, count yourself lucky and remember, they were the ones who were impolite, not you.

It is a good stance to practice, because I find that it is essential for requesting my children to do unpleasant chores, etc. If they sense the slightest hesitance, weakness, or lack of assurance on my part, they will whine, beg, plead, cry, and make excuses until I get angry. But, with this technique there is no further discussion, the chore gets done, and I do not get angry.

Best of luck.

[farsk]

Susan,

I, too, am at the bitchy end of my pregnancy, so beware!hahaha!

I guess "Eat $hit" is a little too blunt (it runs through my mind often). Also, maybe a "How Nice" (you've heard the joke, the southern belle says "how nice" instead of "yuck fou!")

I guess I would tell them about the time that my mother took me to Florida at 12 months old spread out in the back seat surrounded by books and toys (notice there is no carseat in this picture) and then say something like, "Thank goodness people are more educated and enlightened than when you had your children!"

Good Luck!
-Shannon
Mom to Ellen (edd 7/28/2003)

[Rachels]

I don't have a lot of quick responses to this one, either. I mainly cope by just knowing in my soul that what we're doing is healthy for Abigail and for us as a family. I need to respect her health and our well being more than I need to preserve other people's comfort. As with nursing, I vacillate between offering examples of research and citing my ped's support and just saying, "This is what is working for us. We're fine with how it's going."

With one person whom I treasure but whose comments were wearing me down, I called a spade a spade. I finally just told her that it was really tiring to have to defend my parenting style every time I was with her, and that I'd made my choices carefully out of love and research and my mothering gut sense. I didn't go wild, but I did state very clearly that I needed her to either respect what I was doing or to keep her negativity to herself. It helped tremendously. It actually opened a gate for good conversation and education, and she seems much more on board now. Even if she weren't, though, that exchange would have helped me feel more powerful in our interaction. It reminded me that I am Abigail's mother and that the negative endorsement of another person really didn't need to cloud my experience. So don't be afraid to call it like it is and to insist on better behavior from the people you care about. They're grownups. It's okay to expect them to act like it.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[MartiesMom2B]

Susan:

I love the choices that you made for your daughters. I especially find it admirable that you nurse twins. I've heard lots of comments out there on how impossible it would be to nurse twins. Yeah whatever!

I really don't know what you can say back except that I think you've got some good responses on here. Good luck at the party!

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[JerseyMom]

A friend recently got very tired of defending their "parenting style" and recently was overheard saying, "Stop trying to stick my square kid into your round hole." I think that is a great way to tell someone to shut up and mind their own business.

Attachment parenting does seem to provoke strong sentiment either for or against. I always wonder how our choices will affect our children when they are 20 years old and older. It works for us and that is really all that matters. I don't find myself defending our parenting style, but I also don't discuss our private family business either. Maybe the best way to handle it is to not open yourself up to debate.

[Marisa6826]

Susan-

I really like the round kid/square hole comment, but something a little more reserved might be, "Hmmm. Thanks for the idea. I will think about it." And just change the subject. You will also have the option this weekend of saying, "Oh. I forgot to check on the ______!" and excuse yourself.

I got blue in the face trying to justify why we parent the way we do. I just nod my head, smile, think to myself, "Christ, what an a$$". Then I usually recount the story to Jonathan later that night! :)

Good luck at the party!

-m

[sarasprings]

I, too, wish I was quicker with answers.

If someone asks a question, such as "are you still breastfeeding?" I try to get in a quick "of course" because is the easiest and most people stop talking, but when they add their advice before I can talk, it's a lot harder.

[mama2be]

I need to find the time to come back and read everyones responses...becaseu I couldn't agree more I am so sick of people giving me their damn opinions I could scream...

I jsut came back form a high tea with a group of older gals in the neighborhood...and everything I did they questioned and asked about. hats off to curiosity...BUT when I changed Tristan into a cloth diaper I had three people ask "isn't he hot in that???"...I said sarcastically and bluntly "NO"!!!!!!...and when the older "know it all" said "I think he is hot in it"...I reminded her that she told me she had never seen a more laid back accepting child so what in the world made her feel like he was hot in that.

On the drive home I went into a rampage about folks questioning "he is dressed to hot" "he is dressed to cold"...I mean honest to god one dya in 1/2 hour I had two people tell me two differnt things...one second "isn't he hot"...adnt he next 30 minutes "isn't he cold"...

Can I jsut say I am oil and water to Know it alls!!!! I can't stand know it alls-it's probably why so few that I have met have no firends...this one know it all is always complaining she has no one to go out with it and so I felt sorry for her and invited her to this tea...I've learned!!!Anyway you ask this question as I am wanting to know the answers myself :)...

[mama2be]

right out from under you...:)

[votre_ami03]

Me too! I was just commenting today that I am getting rather bitchy at the end (5 days left). Thank you Anna! I think I may borrow that too.

It's sad, but my H thinks that BF'ing our son till 1 yo is "weird", his comment, "I was never BF". Maybe that's your prob? Sorry, I am a grump today. I wish I had better advice. :O

Christy
Inducing 7/22
Boy! Nolan

[lizajane]

i can't help myself.

"isn't he too hot in his cloth diaper?"

um, show me ANY piece of evidence that says that disposable diapers have ANY superiority over cloth (other than more convienient for some mosm and dads!)

whew. if disp-os are someone choice, i respect that. but come on, are your more hot in a cotton t-shirt that breaths, or a waterproof raincoat?

please forgive my rant here. i couldn't stop myself.

ps i am another triangle cloth mom! i was excited to see you are in chapel hill- i am in raleigh.

[mama2be]

Your son shares my birthday :)...

I am actully about 12 miles from raleigh (email me dirctly and we can chat [email protected]), and not in chapel hill (though I love it there :))...

My plans were for a birth center birth in chapel hill and meconium in my water got me a quick transfer to the hospital there...i assume my sig line saying delivered @UNC made you think that...but that hospital and birth center are about 50 minutes from me :)...

[memedee]

Rachel,I love that statement about not wanting to have to defend my parenting style.
I am going to steal it.
It is perfect!

[C99]

>Attachment parenting does seem to provoke strong sentiment
>either for or against. I always wonder how our choices will
>affect our children when they are 20 years old and older.
>It works for us and that is really all that matters.

From what I've read and can gather from friends, it's pretty much a wash. :) My mom practiced AP with me and my two siblings and I'd say I'm only marginally better-adjusted than my best friend and her sister, who were raised by more traditional-minded parents. :)

For a change, though, I have a NICE story about comments from random strangers about your parenting style. Yesterday, I was at my local Jewel, wearing Nate in the sling while doing my shopping. This woman commented that it was so nice to see me holding him so close to me. She also said it's rare to see "American" (her quotes) women holding their babies in that way. It was still an unsolicited comment, but at least it was a supportive one.

[isolad]

I can definitely relate. I've taken to saying, "Do you honestly think I would want my child to be uncomfortable?" (or substitute whatever is appropriate given the topic).

A friend of mine once gave me excellent advice. She said never complain about how your kids are sleeping, eating, etc. because it invites unsolicited advice. So when I've been asked how my boys are sleeping, I say great (even when I've been up at night). There are those friends (and you know who they are) that you can ask questions of, get good advice, and not feel judged by ... then there are the others. Keep conversations brief with the other set and you might be spared unnecessary tongue-holding.

[beckyr88]

i think that is great advice!! i'll have to remember that!!

thanks!