Well, I think the bfing is over (or pretty close to it) :(

[peanut4us]

So, I took your excellent advise, and I took a vacation day today. And it was wonderful. I spent my time with DH and Sara. She nursed a bit, but not really. I pumped several times... and got next to nothing. I nursed her tonight before bed and she was left upset again and still hungry... so we pulled out a bottle with ebm and formula.

I have a Dr appt on Monday. I want to see if there is some medical reason why I am not producing. I'm almost positive it is stress. If that's the case, then there's not a whole lot I can do about it. My job is the way that it is. I am starting to try to tell myself good reasons about formula :). THings I can look at in a positive light.

What I would like to know is a few things... 1) For all you working exbfing/pumping mommies... tell me about the psychological/emotional stuff. I'm feeling extra sad about losing that "connection" with her even when I'm at work. 2) For folks who have weaned, tips for me.

This post isn't about me continuing to bf. I haven't completely given up yet. I want to see a Dr on monday first. But please, I am doing water, fenugreek, everything I can think of, I don't want any "you can do its" right now. I'm already feeling guilty and like a failure.

[McQ]

Joey, you are NOT a failure!!!

I felt horrible when I was pumping at work and getting next to nothing. I did feel like I was losing something but I told myself that (by not pumping) it freed up time for me to work hence I might get home eariler which meant more time with Declan. It was very important to me to come home and feed him before putting him to bed. And if I could get home earlier to play even better.

Once I gave up pumping I continued to nurse in the mornings and at night. I did this as long as I could. Even when I was starting to feel empty (he'd cry after a minute or two) then I had his bottle ready and I'd give it to him (not his dad). And to this day I still prefer being the one to put him down at night. And give him a big bear hug before putting him down. And then sneak in and rub his back before I go to bed.

I know it's frustrating. But hope knowing you're not alone helps. Wish I could help more.

Allison
~ mommy to Declan 3.24.03

[barbarhow]

Joey-I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I feel like we are in a similar place all over again. This week my supply has definately diminished. Today was the least output I have ever had. I am pretty certain that mine is a combo of stress and lack of sleep. UGH. I have no advice. Just empathy. You are definately not a failure. What an unbelievably wonderful Mom you are to have bfed as long as you have. You should be incredibly proud of yourself. It is not easy to work and be a mom at the same time. Much less be a bfing mom and a wife and all the other things that we do.
I've added an evening massage for Jack-initially I started to do it because his skin is so dry but he seems to love it so I have kind of had it in the back of my mind as something we can do after he weans-he kind of gets this sweet smile on his face as I rub his feet and back. It is not as intimate as bfing but pretty wonderful all the same.
And good for you for taking the day off. You both deserve it.
Hang in there.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[jojo2324]

Joey, please don't think of yourself as a failure!! I am in complete awe of you, considering you work full time, you are pumping, have been under incredible stress with going back to work and family problems AND you made an absolutely gorgeous Halloween costume FROM SCRATCH WITH YOUR OWN TWO HANDS!!! And that you've been BFing for so long is wonderful...You've done (and are STILL doing!!!) an incredible job!

I don't think my situation exactly mirrors yours, but I'll tell you what I went through. I changed jobs when DS was about 4 months old. I waitressed, so it was impossible for me to pump during shifts. ("Excuse me sir, I'm terribly engorged right now...Your drink is going to have to wait!") The job I switched to had me there an extra 2.5 hours, not much, but it killed my supply. I would come home late at night and pump what I could, and do the same in the morning, and then BF Gannon every chance I could. Eventually, though, I just wasn't producing, at least not enough to supply him with milk in my absence. So, we started supplementing. I began by mixing half EBM and half formula, and eventually went to straight formula while I was working.

While it's stressful, I was NOT stressed worrying that he wasn't eating. That knowledge helped me realize the big picture was not about my ability to exclusively BF, but about my baby eating. And, this may sound really pathetic...It was nice not having to deal with coming home after work, exhausted and just wanting to climb into bed, pumping, then sterilizing everything to have it ready to go the next AM...Then sterilize it in the AM to have it ready to go for that night! I should have just had a pot of boiling water going at all times! :)

I did supplement with formula, but was able to BF Gannon when I was home. Once he got older, and started eating more food (around 10-11 months), he also nursed less frequently. We just weaned about a month ago...We were only down to one night session, but it was a hard time getting there. One thing I can tell you is my hormones kind of chilled out. Granted, I am also pregnant, so to be that AND nursing is kind of a double whammy. Suffice it to say I was using LOTS of Kleenex for a few months! :) Another thing is I DO miss it. Right now Gannon's really sick, and I wish I could just nurse him, not to nourish but to soothe. I described it to a friend as having a phantom limb. Times would come up when I would say to myself, "Oh, this is when we would nurse...But we aren't." And I would ache a little bit. Not a physical ache, if that makes sense. Just a real sense of sadness. I still do get those pangs, especially this past week because he's so miserable.

I don't know if this was helpful to you or not, and I'm sorry it got so long!! I'm glad you got your vacation day...Every mama deserves one of those! I'm thinking of you.

[mharling]

Joey -
You are absolutely NOT a failure. I think you are approaching this exactly the way you should. Especially since you said your vacation day was wonderful! I admire you for what you have done in light of everything going on right now and please let us know how things go on Monday.

Mary & Lane 4/6/03
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b3524e54e42d - New 10/3

[stillplayswithbarbies]

Joey, I just want you to know that I have been thinking about you, and I feel your sadness. I hope you find out something at the doctor and I hope this all works out the way you want it to. Hugs to you and Sara.

...Karen
Jacob Nathaniel Feb 91
Logan Elizabeth Mar 03

[lizajane]

i am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. please don't feel like a failure! and remember that you will NEVER lose your real connection with sara, even if you no longer connect while nursing.

you should see how excited my MIL gets when she gets to feed a bottle of EBM. she stares into his eyes and ooohs and ahhhs. think about how awesome it will be to watch DH feed sara a bottle while he oooohs and ahhhs. remember that he doesn't get to know the feeling of nursing, and probably doesn't get to give her many bottles since you want to nurse her whenever you are with her.

i know that jeffrey gets so upset when he feels like nursing is what schuyler needs and he can't help. i really look foward to knowing that daddy can "come to the rescue" ANY time when schuyler stops nursing. no, i don't look forward to weaning. but i like to think about the positive things that will happen for his dad when i do!

i hope your dr gives you some good advice. maybe you can keep going with mornings and nights only. but if you go to FF full time, you are a great mom with a great connection to a great baby that cannot be broken!

[pritchettzoo]

I can't empathize yet, but I just wanted to reiterate that you're not a failure! Remember your I'm a good mom post. Think of how much time and effort you put into each decision you make concerning Sara. She's got a great mommy and no amount of formula or breastmilk would change that.

Good luck with your doctor's appointment. But whatever the outcome, you've done everything you can for that adorable little hydrangea!

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[phirey]

Oh I know exactly where you're coming from. I battled that exact feeling for months before finally accepting that my supply issues were causing more stress for DD than comfort.

I work in Ob/Gyn (I'm a PA) and have every resource available to me except time ;-), and I tried absolutely everything. I will tell you that Reglan worked ten times better than Fenugreek for me. If your Dr. is not familiar with using it for increasing supply (some are not), tell him/her the dosage is 10 mg three to four times a day.

I could describe all the pumping regimens and nursing vacations I tried, sometimes only to see splatters on the sides of the bottles and nothing in the bottom. I don't know if it was a chicken or egg thing, but as my supply went from meager to nil, DD eventually lost interest... It seemed like I was the only one who cared if she still nursed. But boy did I care. I could not let it go. Knowing I was dry, I'd still try to nurse her until we both were crying and I had to give in with a bottle. DH thought I was nuts -- I'd apologize to her over and over again the whole time she guzzled an 8 oz. bottle. It probably took me three or four pumping sessions to produce 8 oz!

I had a mental picture in my mind of how awful it would be to nurse her for "the last time." I just knew I'd bawl through it. I was petrified. But in the last crazy weeks of nursing, I rented a hospital pump as a last-ditch effort and spent more time attached to it than to her. As I said, she was really not that interested after months of getting so little. I had turned every weekend into a nursing vacation until one weeked we just had a TON of things to do and was forced to miss a couple of nursing opportunities, so she got bottles. At 10 months she was still waking up to nurse at 2 am or so. Turned out our last nursing session was in the middle of the night, half-asleep, and I didn't know it would be the last session -- so no bawling, no bittersweet apologies, no ceremonial pulling her off for the last time. Just nursing us both to sleep and snuggling like always.

I'm still holding on to two frozen bottles of EBM. I'm dreading giving it to her as it will probably hurt a little. I guess I'll do it in a few weeks around her 1st birthday as sort of her last "gift" from me.

So you see, the feelings you're having are common. But once you're through it and can look back, you'll see it wasn't as awful as you thought. DD will still be happy and healthy and love you just as much, if not more, than before.

Sorry for the novel, and good luck. Let me know if I can do anything.

(Ignore the attachment -- it's my new avatar)

[Marisa6826]

Girlie - I PM'd you

-m

[Rachels]

Joey, I'm so sorry. I can imagine your grief, but you are NOT a failure. I hope your appointment tomorrow offers you some hope!

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[sntm]

oh, hon. i wish there was something i could do. you've done such a wonderful job -- don't ever think that this will cause you to lose your connection. i'll be thinking about you -- email me if you need to talk.


shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[amp]

Joey - just wanting to echo others and assure you that you are *not* a failure! You are wonderful mommy who is trying so hard to do the best for her daughter. You have continued to try to BF and pump even when it's gotten difficult. Hugs to you!

[houseof3boys]

Joey, everyone is thinking about you so just know that we are behind you!!! I hope the doctor can give you some relief and peace of mind with what is going on.

You are a great mommy Joey!!!!

[jennifer13]

Oh, Joey, you are NOT a failure! It makes my heart hurt to "hear" you say that- women are SO hard on themselves!! You have worked so hard to do what's best for Sara, and that doesn't end when bf'ing does.

FWIW, I have partially weaned due to similar working/supply problems. I give Norah her bottle at night and it is a lovely, close, peaceful time. She looks in in my eyes, she dozes off, we are close and we cuddle. It is just as special to me as when we were nursing, and I think it's special to her too. You are ending one bonding activity, but you will substitute other special rituals that are just as meaningful. Good luck and take care of yourself!!

Jennifer
Mom to Norah 5/23/03

[Jen in Chicago]

You have done an excellent job! I totally feel for you, as I am going through a similar thing. Oatmeal for breakfast, new pump parts and Fenugreek don't seem to be boosting my production to where it was for pumping (16 + oz, now closer to 8-10oz.)

You obviously love your child and want to do what is best, being a happy loving Mom is what you need to be. That does not require breastfeeding. Give your child a hug and thank God for the precious life you created.

[nitaghei]

Joey,

I'm so sorry that you going through this! But don't feel guilty. Being a good mom is so much more than being able to BF. My perspective is a little different - DS refused to nurse when he came home from NICU - and I really beat myself up over it, so much that I couldn't enjoy him. And I regret that more than anything- that I wasted 8 weeks of his life.

Even with bottles, you still cuddle the baby, and feeding is still a special bonding time. And like I've said before, being relaxed and happy is the best gift you can give Sara.

Nita

mom to Neel 01/05/03
dog mom to a cocker and a PWD

[KGoes]

You should not feel guilty and you are clearly not a failure. As a BF'g mom, I tend to get pretty focussed on breast feeding and forget that there are many, many happy, healthy and well-loved babies out there who have never tasted breast milk. There are also peds out there, including mine, who suggest supplementing with formula once a day so that you don't have to give a breast fed baby yucky-tasting-impossible-stain-creating vitamins. In short, you are depriving your child of nothing that you cannot give right back with love and affection. DH and DD bonded solely on the basis of his giving her a bottle at night. Now, when she sees him, she reaches out for his face, plays with his five o'clock shadow and smiles. I fed DD her bottle the other night when DH was working late, and she studied my face the entire time - a whole new and teary experience for me.
Your connection with her is that you love her and her connection with you is that she loves you right back. You are not going to lose that connection if you do have to wean her.
Best wishes!
Kelley
DD born 7/30/03

[dogmom]

Although breast milk is one of the best gifts you can give your baby, not breast feeding exclusively does not make you less of a Mom! I went through a lot of similar supply issues with my DS around 6 months, and I wasn't even working yet. I did several things, but when someone suggested I spend 2 + hours every day hooked up to a hosptial grade pump I decided the stress of worrying about my milk supply was not a good thing. We started giving a bottle of formula in the evening and it went fine. No loss of connection. And this is a baby who had formula only once before and he hated it, but by 6 months he digested it just fine.

It's actually turned into a really positive thing. It makes things so much easier to share with my DH. My son kept nursing in the morning until just recently when he just decided to stop. Althought it's bittersweet, it's sort of nice to see him become a "little man." He won't let us feed him, insists on holding his own bottle. His face lights up when I shake the bottle and soon as I hand it to him he shakes it up just like my husband and I do. He loves to grab it by the nipple when he is done and drag it around the familly room and smack the dogs in the head with it. He's got a new game of rolling it down the two steps from the kitchen into the family room. I find now that he's weaned he now spends more time wanting to just hugging me and lean his little head into my chest as opposed to the "old days" when he would be tugging at my top or trying to burrow under my shirt. I think the first 3 months I had the little guy he never made eye contact with me, he would just stare at my chest. So this is definatley a change of pace!

You are definately NOT a failure. I hope things go the way you hope, but if they don't you are still a good Mom.

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03

[deborah_r]

So sorry you are having a hard time Joey! Remember that you've already given Sara such a great start and also that by working you are providing for her basic needs.

You are a great mom to be so concerned about her and doing the best things for her.