Sleep problems.. please help!

[sophiesmom]

I'm posting here since I've found these boards to be most active...
I am having REALLY bad sleeping problems w/ my 27 month old DD. To make a long story short.. as a baby she never learned to fall asleep on her own (usually nursed to sleep) and then ended up sleeping in our bed. Always hated her crib too, and also no good napping habits (i have to drive her around, carry her in and put her in my bed).

The problem now.. she WON'T fall asleep w/ out me or DH laying w/ her. It started out downstairs, then went to my bed for a while, now it's back downstairs. Around 10 or 11 we carry her up to her bedroom (she's in a twin bed). Usually she stays asleep, but sometimes wakes up and cries, then into our bed.... to make it worse, some nights she falls asleep between 8 and 9, but some nights up until 10!!! argh!!!!

To make it worse, EVERY night she gets up in the middle of night and comes into our room and we pick her up and put her in our bed. We never gated her in her room from the start, so now we have an additional problem.

She also never really got into much of a routine at bed. I bathe her every other night. She may brush her teeth in her bathroom, or even down in the powder room, and if it's up to my husband not at all (ridiculous). When she falls asleep downstairs we of course have the tv on so I'm sure that doesn't help.

Sooooo.... I'm looking for any kind of advice as to what to do. I've read that every night she should go in her room w/ a parent, lock the door, and if she screams, she has to deal w/ it. To make it trickier, I have a 6 month old DS whose room is right next to hers. I know she needs more of a bedtime routine, but I get busy w/ DS, and DH isn't much help for the most part. :-( (but always first to yell that something needs to be done to correct this situation).

I must say when it comes to sleep i COMPLETELY screwed up w/ my first one. She is a wonderful kid, very smart and can talk your ear off, incredible speech.. so i know i did a lot of things right... except this mess! DS is doing much better, I even use a pacifier w/ him which i never did w/ her. He also has no choice but to sleep in his crib, too noisy downstairs in the day, and no room in our bed at night!

Any help would be GREATLY appreciated..

Stephanie (a very tired mommy of 2)

Sophia 8/4/01
Anthony 5/11/03

[Rachels]

Cosleeping itself isn't a recipe for disaster, but it sounds like it just didn't work for you guys. I disagree with the premise of locking a child in her room and letting her scream, though. That's likely to be incredibly confusing and anxiety-provoking for her after being gently parented to sleep until now. I'm not sure if you're still nursing, but one option is to check out Good Nights by Dr. Jay Gordon. You can see if anything on his website would help you-- it's www.drjaygordon.com .

You do need a bedtime routine for her. I can't imagine that anything is really going to help unless you help her learn and recognize when it's time for bed. Once you begin a steady routine, you can start weaning down the amount of time that you spend in her room. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with keeping her company while she falls asleep, FWIW. She can't do any of the things that many adults do to self-soothe and get ready for sleep-- have a cup of tea, read to herself in bed, etc. She's still pretty little, and I think if your loving presence soothes her, that's sweet. But if it's driving YOU crazy, I think changing things slowly and gently makes sense. But again, you've got to start with a bedtime routine. It's one of the few things that ALL of the sleep experts agree on.

Hang in there!

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[Rachels]

double post.

???

[trumansmom]

I don't have any advice, just wanted to express a little empathy. DS is 23 months old and we've got a similar situation going. However, we have had the same bedtime routine since he was a little infant. I've beat myself up a good deal about it, but have come to accept the fact that some kids just aren't sleepers. I'm not sure what I would have changed in the past few years, because I'm very comfortable with the logic and thought process behind all of my sleep decisions - they just didn't work for DS. My mom like to remind me on a regular basis that I didn't sleep through the night until I was three.

I guess with number two, I'm just going to work extra hard on the routine, and try to nip bad habits early. But like I said before, I don't know what we would change. Some kids just are more high needs around going to sleep than others.

Good luck. I know you must be exhausted.

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/29/01 and EDD 4/23/04!

[sophiesmom]

Thanks. That's a good point that it might be a bit traumatic to keep her in her room and have her scream (w/ me or DH). I really don't know what else to do though. She is now sometimes staying up until 10, and that means no time for me and DH together. Maybe she will outgrow this soon. I know my cousin's little girl fell asleep downstairs every night for 3 years, and now goes to bed like normal.

Stephanie