Mother-in-law for sale, previously good condition. . .

[elizab27]

1/2 complaining, 1/2 looking for suggestions. I used to have a great relationship with my mother in law (who lives 1000 miles away), but now that I'm pregnant she's become overbearing (first grandchild on both sides). She has invited herself up the week before my due date (if I don't have the baby before hand) and said she's staying a week to "help out". Meanwhile I have a mother who lives 30 minutes away! Can you imagine me, a new baby, my DH and 2 grandmothers! Eeesh.

Am I off base or is this out of line? Oh yes, and then she told me that I should name my son after my father who has past away as if I needed her to tell me what to name our baby!!!

I feel awful complaining after seeing real issues like what Rachel is dealing with in Abigail (you're in my prayers Rachel), but my pregnancy hormones are making me loopy.

Any words of wisdom or anyone who wants to join the anti-mother-in-law trail with me? Your own stories may make me feel better :)!

[egoldber]

You need to have a serious talk with your DH. If things are this bad pre-baby, can you imagine what it will be like once your little bundle arrives? But she is his mother and it should be his job to run interference. It would be nice of her to "offer" to stay after the baby is born, but it is, of course, totally out of line for her to invite herself and to try to name your child!

Now, that being said, will YOUR mother also be staying with you? Because someone who lives 30 minutes away is not the same as having someone in your home that can give you a respite to be able to grab a shower before dinner time. Or to wash the dishes and cook and clean for you while you figure out how to take care of a newborn, which is a full-time job by itself. My mother-in-law and I have gone from a poor to a mostly friendly relationship over the (many, like 10) years we have been married, and she still occasionally drives me totally bonkers, I don't know what I would have done without her after the baby was born. If she would NOT be helpful or would try to undermine your confidence in things like breastfeeding, then by all means find a reason to keep her from coming. But if you think she would be helpful but irritating, then consider how to make it work without driving you crazy.

You and your DH need to figure out how to start setting boundaries with his mother or else this is just the beginning of a very long pattern.

HTH,

[etwahl]

I am actually lucky to have a pretty good mother-in-law (though, she did tell us that she and all her friends hated one of the names we had picked out in the beginning) however, can I just pipe in here and tell you what a horrible father I have!!! I mean we're talking really bad. Way too much history to go into here, but basically he drives me insane.

When he found out I was pregnant, he told me he and my grandparents wanted to come here for the birth (they live in Canada). Strange as it sounds, in this relationship (because I just can't deal with it) I have DH run interference. He's able to be tough with him whereas I just can't say a thing. So DH told him we weren't having any guests for some time until we got settled in with the baby. I'd like to tell him he's never welcome in our house, but that would start WW3 with that side of the family (not that THAT would be so terrible.

This is a man who calls and calls and calls (we screen our calls, picking up maybe once a month) and when we finally do answer, the conversation is exactly the same every single time:

- wow, you're finally home...
- you're probably having twins...
- is DH going off to war soon? (DH is a marine helo pilot)
- several racist comments

SAME questions every single time. The last phone call put me over the edge. He asked about my weight gain and I told him I had gained like 16 pounds at whatever stage I was, and he said "oh, so you're a little chub-chub!"

Anyway, there are just so many things I could complain about with him, but the point is, I really don't want him even to touch my child (boy am I glad he lives in Canada). I hope I don't sound like a horrible daughter, but the history dictates that I have every right to feel this way (and should actually not even talk to him).

I guess I just wish, like you, that there was an easy way to deal with family. It seems easier when it's just DH and I, but the thought of this man being my child's grandfather gives me an ulcer.

But as far as family telling you anything about how you should raise your child, what you should name it, etc. I would just be straight up and say "oh, this is the way we have decided to do it..." or "we've already got a great name picked out, and we're SOOOO excited about it!" I honestly think that when it comes to something as important as raising your children, nipping it in the bud early on is the only way to go. Otherwise, a pattern will develop and it can only get worse. But definitely have DH run interference.

Good luck!!!!

PS: I think these periodic bitch sessions are good for the pregnant soul. We pregnant women need to be able to bitch with freedom :) :)

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[Momof3Labs]

I agree with Beth's thoughts, but wanted to throw a couple of things out there...

My dad had STRONG opinions, too, about the baby's name. So we just refused to tell anyone anything until the baby was born. He drove us crazy, too, but not TOO crazy because we knew that he was being ridiculous (my mom thought so too, too bad Dad didn't realize it).

Second, my mom stayed with us for 4 or 5 days after Colin came home. And we could have used another pair of willing and able hands! He was sooo fussy that week (bf'ing problems) that DH, my mom and I really felt like we had our hands full! While you might not want her to come at that time, I would definitely recommend accepting an offer of help for a week or two - those spare pairs of hands really do come in handy (and make a shower possible)!! (Don't get me wrong - my mom drove me a little crazy - but I really needed her!)

I do find it funny that your MIL plans to come one week before your due date and stay for two weeks total. You could easily have the baby early (Colin is my first and was two full weeks early) or late (up to 2 weeks)! So maybe suggest that she not plan a trip until the baby is on his/her way, and then you would "love" to have her help for a week or two.

And if that doesn't work, you can borrow my MIL for a week or two, and yours will begin to seem a whole lot better. When she finally came in to see Colin ("he is my ninth grandchild, after all"), she was holding him when he pooped - and promptly handed him to me, telling me that she doesn't "do" diapers. Glad she didn't try to come "help" right after he was born. I won't even tell you what she pulled right before my wedding...

Lori & Colin 9/28/02

P.S. Yes, pregnancy hormones are wonderful!

[Rachels]

Thank you for your sweet words, first of all. But I don't think yours isn't a "real issue." It's an enormous challenge and upheaval to have a baby. There's plenty of wonderful, but you will also be frazzled and tired and needing to heal and to adjust to a new life. You don't need people around who interfere with that process, no matter how well-intentioned they are. If she is so insensitive as to invite herself without asking you if that's something you would be okay with, imagine what will happen once she gets there! You need some time and space to figure out your own way with your baby. Somebody overbearing is going to make it harder, and frankly, your own hormones are going to just be wild. It's not a good time to have anybody making anything harder. So I think your issue is very real, and your complaint perfectly justifiable.

Your husband needs to step in here. If he can't or won't, first you should break his nose (kidding, of course), then you need to think about how much of an advocate you are willing to be for yourself and your new baby. It's really okay to tell her, without making any big stink about it, that you appreciate her offer to help but anticipate being a little overwhelmed and needing a few days for you and your husband and baby to figure yourselves out as a family. Tell her you'd be glad to see her at whatever interval after the birth feels appropriate to you, and stick to it. It's not your responsibility to make her like it-- it's your responsibility to protect your own wellness as you become a mother.

Alternately, you could send us after her, and we'll fix it.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[JMarie]

I think she should have asked if you would appreciate her assistance, rather than just bluntly saying what she was going to do. Sometimes presentation is key... In my situation my mother lives in a nursing home 500 miles away and will not be able to help out. My MIL works full time and lives 45 minutes away, so I don't think she'll be around. I have a similar relationship with my father as Tammy does with hers, so he won't be around either (he is also 500 miles away). Actually, one of my closest friends is planning on taking two weeks of vacation after Aidan is born to come out and be our 'maid' - he's going to do all our laundry, cooking, and cleaning. I'm a little nervous about having someone staying with us so soon after Aidan's arrival, but I also know how much work it is going to be (lucky me for growing up around lots of babies!). I would see if your husband would be willing to talk to his mother and maybe you can work out a compromise. Good luck!

JMarie
EDD 2/23/03
Aidan Christopher

[abigailsmom]

Here is a bit from my post-partum Mom fun... My mother (who lives 3 hrs away) stayed with us for neary 2 weeks! I love the woman, but put two fiesty hispanic women in one house ( not to mention hormones) and we completely survived! She kept DH, DD, and I alive and clean! I don't know how any of you brave souls do it alone! God bless you! I second the appreciating the help idea, but it sould be a situation you're comfortable with not one that's forced on you!
The other thing that I might add is if you feel overwhelmed tell your DH and allow him to be the visitation monitor. I felt too hormonal and mean to tell people that I didn't really want visitors during the first couple of days home, but DH had no problem. That was a big relief! Good luck and cherish every second!!!

Robyn
Abigail's Mom 8-14-02

[gour0]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I worry a lot about my MIL and how our relationship will change after ds is born. Dh is no help because he adores his parents and hates that I am so against having them too involved. I have no qualms about telling anyone, including my in-laws, how I feel. They started out (before we were married or pregnant, I think!) saying that they expected to be in the delivery room! Apparently one of my SIL's had a huge delivery 'party' or something. So, I said, "NO, I only want DH, myself, and the provider." MIL says, "But, surely you'll want your mother?" Repeat, "No, DH, me, and (didn't know then, but now) midwife." FIL pipes up, "But, who will video tape?"! Ugh! Sorry, but DH and I do not want to video this. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I understand. I am somewhat lucky in that they too live over 1000 miles away, we live in too small of a place for them to stay with us (they have to get a hotel), AND my other SIL is also due at the same time with A) her second child and B) the first grandaughter on that side. :) My MIL stayed with dear SIL for three weeks last time so I'm hoping that will draw their attention away from us! Good luck to you, and all of us!
Stacey

[mcmorfit]

Eh gads - sounds just like my MIL! In fact, my DH just said "it sounds like you wrote it!"

First an introduction to the characters: us - first time parents; my parents - first time grandparents; ILs - first time grandparents, as well as DH being the only child. For the 9 years we have been married, MIL and FIL have tried to control everything. Hence, there is a reason we live on the other side of the country.

We (DH and I) agreed a while back that we wanted two weeks to ourselves (in case the wee one was late) and then we would have my parents out for a week, then his. Great plan - but NO, MIL had already made plans when they were supposed to come out (she ASSUMED that she would come right away). So we said she could come for four days before her trip or after her trip. The boundary had been set and we were not going to budge.

She is a great help and I know she will be greatly appreciated for those four days, but with this woman if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile. The key with her is to give her tasks. I already asked her if she could help with cleaning the house and cooking while she is here, so she'll be able to control that.

Possibly you could say that you would love her help, but since you don't know the exact date, she could come a week or so later and that your mom will help out. That way she could have ample one on one time wtih the new grandchild.

Good luck.

Ellen
EDD 02/23/03

[mama2be]

I'm in the kind of the same boat as JMarie (I think it was her post that mentioned frined coming out)...one of my dearest friends wants to come out, and I love her to pieces!!! But I am afraid that I'll be felt like I have to entertain, and that is my worst nitemare to feel that way when everything is going on. She is not someone who cooks or even really a cleaner (which is fine) BUT it leads me to know that it wouldn't help me there. IT's a hard call becaseu I do love her as much as anyone on this earth but when I want to take a nap with baby I want to take nap.

MIL and my mom are not even an option...

I think Steve and I are going to do it on our own, he is super cook and cleaner and really does spoil me rotten...I hope we are not making a huge mistake.

[mspacman]

I have to agree with the others who said, unless your MIL is a 100% **tch that you're always yelling at, swallow your pride and accept her help. In "her generation", it was commonplace for grandma to move in and help with a newborn, and frankly I think it's a great tradition that should continue. We 21st-century women have fantasies of being "supermom" and "doing it all" but lemme tell you, you think you're hormonal and sleep-deprived now, you ain't seen nothing yet!!! :) By the third week you will be more than happy to thrust that howling little bundle of joy into another pair of arms, no matter who they're attached to, just to get a shower or five minutes of sleep or a bite of food in your mouth (once you realize you haven't eaten in 12 hours).

In addition, it's good to have your rear flank over-covered in case you have an unforeseen c-section like I did (I just read that one-quarter of US babies now are delivered by c-section!). DH took off for one week and basically did everything but breastfeed - baby refused to take a bottle from him. I was so weak, I couldn't walk without holding onto something and the baby had to be handed to me for feeding. When he went back to work, my mom came daily for another two weeks (fortunately she lives close by). You don't say if DH is taking any time off but if so many people around the house seems overwhelming, see if you can set up some sort of shift system so someone is always awake and around, e.g. have DH do evenings and late nights while MIL sleeps, then she gets up in the wee hours and he goes to bed, or something like that. Or send MIL out to run errands so she won't be underfoot all day. Just don't underestimate the amount of work involved. Getting 2 hours of sleep a night, does catch up with you!

[Karenn]

My MIL was a handful before the baby was born too. Among other things, she announced that she would be unable to hold the baby because I was choosing to use disposable diapers. (It was her hope that this would make me change my mind and use cloth!) She also wanted us to use DH's crib from 1967! Anyway, all of my friends said, "It will get better once the baby actually gets here." I didn't believe them, but it turns out they were right! I sent her to a grandparenting class at the hospital, and bought her a book. (She lives out of town so I called the hospitals in her area and sent her to a grandparenting class at her local hospital.) Both of those gave the "back off" message loud and clear, and I must say, she has been surprisingly well behaved. I know it doesn't work this way for everyone, but she really has been much more tolerable since Colin arrived!

Karen

[dd_ani]

:)

In-laws are a wonderful thing, and if they are anything like mine, they get even goofier at the holidays.

If you don't want to have her stay at your home, perhaps a hotel would be better (ok, I know she won't go for it, but perhaps she would "prefer to get some sleep without being up with the baby, since she will be so tired from the long trip" or something like that.).

And if you don't want the "help" that's ok too. Personally, I didn't want anyone but my husband around for the delivery or for most of our time in the hospital or when we got home for a while. I was sure that we could handle things ourselves and, quite frankly, I don't feel like entertaining the in-laws on most good days.

As far as how to avoid having her stay at first, you might tell her that the doctor has recommended, especially in the cold and flu season, that you really limit visitors. In our case, this was true (DD was in NICU for a few days) and it avoided a big confrontation with my MIL, who loves the _idea_ of a baby and the fuss that comes with it.

I am a fairly shy person and I don't like to be the center of attention. I also _despise_ baby showers. (Sorry guys.) So, the first thing that I started worrying about when we finally got pregnant was how to avoid a baby shower. I had visions of a big to-do with a bunch of little old women I don't even know grabbing my belly and giving me unsafe crib sheets and other items I would never use. (And we were pretty vocal to both sides of the family that I did NOT want one!) So, what does MIL go and do? Arrange a SURPRISE baby shower to be held at DH's Grandmother's retirement apartment, where you have to invite all of the residents. Luckily, my mother got wind of the idea and told me, so DH managed to call it off. (But I was a little worried everytime I was invited somewhere afterwards!)

THEN, MIL got the idea that we would hold a "Meet the Baby" party at a country club with little sandwiches and party favors, just like a cousin who just adopted a toddler from Russia. Oh, and when consulted on the guest list, we were told that we couldn't invite a favorite aunt because "MIL just didn't want her there." Basically, it was meant to be an extravaganza for MIL's favorite AVON customers. We managed to call this one off because "the doctor said it just wasn't possible." (But I still get panicky just thinking about it....)

Hang in there and be thankful that she lives out of town. :) And, if having her there will seriously be too much, don't be afraid to put your foot down (or DH's if possible). She will forgive you -- and you will be a lot happier.

Michelle

[etwahl]

DH and I are exactly like you guys. We don't want anyone around for a long while, and when they do finally come, they are only allowed to stay a few days. We're not big on "longer than weekend" guests, especially considering our lives will be upside down with a new baby. To me, having someone else in the house would be a bigger headache than having help. The house can go a little messy for a few weeks (big deal) and you can order in food when you're too exhausted to cook. I don't think you're making a huge mistake. You know yourselves, and you know you'd be happier with the baby just the two of you. Not to mention, I know I'll be super protective for the longest while, and the last thing I'll want is someone else coming in to do things "their" way. Mothers and MILs always have their own way of doing things, and usually think theirs is the best and only way. But they've already had their babies, it's our turn :)

I think it's okay either way. If you know yourselves and want the help that's one thing, but if you know you'd rather do the work yourselves, even though it is a lot, then you can do it.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[ct]

I too didn't want visitors at the hospital or my house for a week or two after the birth of DD (just direct relatives - parents and siblings, and no overnighters). It worked out just fine - like Tammy said, the house will get a bit messy, you can always order out food, etc. I just wanted to make sure that I learned to care for my child MY way, without any flack from anyone else. Plus I wanted time alone with my new 'family'. I also figured that if I really needed the help, I could ask for it then. I wouldn't have changed a thing. With DS, I felt much better postpartum and welcomed visitors anytime. But either way, I never would have wanted someone living in my house at that time. Whatever you decide, I'm sure you'll be fine. Best wishes...

ct
SAHM to Lilli (9/20/00) & Alec (10/21/02)

[nohomama]

Neve & Tammy,

Keep an open mind about having people come after your babes are born. Daniel and I also told our families that we wanted two weeks alone with Lola (then Schnecken) after the birth. We were well prepared and had meals frozen away, plenty of take-out menus posted to the fridge, and the house neat as a pin. My Mom ended up coming when Lola was five days old and we welcomed her with open arms. She cooked and cleaned and bought (and paid for) groceries and ran errands during her two week stay and was overall tremendously helpful.

The issue of setting boundaries with family and friends is a whole other ball of wax. My point here is that though we may be as prepared as possilbe for our babies to arrive, once they're here, it's a beautiful, vunerable, hormonal, and occassionally overwhelming time. Creating a contigency of support is a good idea even if you don't end up needing it.

[newbelly2002]

Sounds like my sister. Normally wonderful but this year is. . .difficult. She doesn't do diapers, or truly any bodily fluids. Was going to open my own subject but will only add to this later.

GOod luck Tammy, et al!

barely-surviving-Paula

[JMarie]

I think if you know your friend/family member(s) well, and those who are offering to 'help' won't really be much help, then you may be better off just doing things on your own. I know I won't be able to do it all - I was twelve when my youngest sister was born and I remember vividly all the help my parents needed during those first weeks, especially with my mother's MS relapse. Even with DH taking three weeks off of work to help, he's a neophite to all of this - he's never been around babies! I come from a very large, very Catholic family, so someone is ALWAYS having a baby, and I am fairly confident in my ability to care for a newborn. I am not, however, confident that I will be able to care for myself at the same time. Jason will be here to make sure I eat well, have time to shower, and have clean clothes to wear. I love DH more than anything, but he can't cook to save his life and I refuse to let him learn on my brand new Calphalon cookware! He does laundry, but I want him to spend as much time learning how to care for Aidan since we're not putting him in daycare - Steve will be at home during the day while I work, and when I come home, he leaves for work. So he's got a lot to learn and not a lot of time for teaching! I think what you need to keep in mind is that you know your family and friends better than anyone, and you know what and how much you can handle. Don't let anyone bully you into accepting his/her help if it's not what you want, but at the same time, don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Honestly, I don't know a mom/MIL/grandma/etc who wouldn't be on the next flight out to see you if you asked. You'll do just fine - whatever you decide.

JMarie
EDD 2/23/03
Aidan Christopher

[elizab27]

Wow! that was super helpful. As I hoped, I'm not alone. Message on help is heard loud and clear and my mom (who doesn't work and makes ALL my favorite dishes) will be coming to help the first week and stay after the baby is born. (no people OR videos in the delivery room - that story cracked me up! :))

As someone else said, MIL should have ASKED what she could do from the start, which I think is come up after 3 weeks or so (stay with her sister 15 minutes away) to take over after my mom is burned out and I'm looking a little more presentable. (Forgot to mention this MIL is anorexic, only gained 11 lbs when she had my DH and was only in labor 30 minutes). If we relied on her to feed us after DS is born we'd all starve!

Other message I got was that DH cannot be a by-stander here.
Lastly, I LOVE the idea about Grandparenting class, I've never heard of that. I got my mom a grandparenting book (that's how I broke the good news to her), but was afraid I'd be overstepping my bounds by trying to give MIL too much direction.

Thanks again, and good luck to all of you with IL's and such. It certainly is a challenge!