View Full Version : Sad news - DH is going to Iraq.

12-23-2002, 09:50 PM
Well today has been a horrible day for me. We just found out that DH is leaving for Iraq Jan 17. I feel like someone has ripped my heart out. All of our birth plans, hypnobirthing, etc. has gone out the window, and I just feel so devastated that he is going to miss one of the most important things that will ever happen to us. If I weren't pregnant, this would be hard, but not this difficult.

One of the things that hurts the most is that we've already gone through two very long six plus month deployments (in our less than 3.5 years of marriage), and that was supposed to be the end of it, which is why we got pregnant when we did. We got pregnant four days after he returned from what was supposed to be his last deployment. We've always planned to do this together, and now everything has changed in the blink of an eye.

I just feel so devastated and can't believe this is happening, but know that within a matter of weeks he will be gone. It's hard, because he doesn't know what he'll be doing, doesn't know how long he'll be gone, and doesn't even know what kind of communcations will be able to have with each other. In previous deployments, not during times of war, phone calls were VERY few and far between, and email was our only communication. Unfortunately sometimes that too goes down, especially for security reasons.

I guess I just needed to vent my sadness to a group who I knew would be supportive. I'm not looking for sympathy. I know there are others out there who are worse off than I am. I'm just sadder than I've been in a very long time. In my heart, I know he will come home safely to me. It's just hard for me to consider doing all this on my own, without my best friend in the world. I have great friends, but it's just not the same. I wanted him to be my birth coach, and I wanted him to be there afterwards to take care of our new baby. It just doesn't seem as special any longer.

Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

12-23-2002, 10:56 PM
Oh, Tammy, how horrible! I am so sorry. Don't worry right now about things like renovating your birth plan. You just need some time to grieve. Cry as much as you need to, and sort out details later. It's okay that it doesn't feel special at the moment.

In the months to come, you're going to need lots of support, so we'll be here for you every step of the way. I wish I had a way to get to you to help with your birth or with your new baby. I'll send you my phone number, so please call anytime you need backup.

In the meantime, my prayers are for peace in these troubled times and for your husband's safe return. And although it will of course be very different than you imagined to give birth without your husband there, remember that for all of human history, women have relied on the support and company of other women for birth. It's part of our heritage and our responsibility to nurture one another through this amazing process. Women create a circle of strength around each other, and we're going to do the same for you.

Mom to Abigail Rose

12-24-2002, 12:40 AM
Tammy, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. Know that all of us here will support you 100% through everything. If there is anything that we can do, e-mail us, we can exchange numbers and offer shoulders whenever you need them.

I wish there was something more I could do. I don't realize sometimes how much I've grown to truly care for everyone here. I was holding back tears reading your post...I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

12-24-2002, 01:04 AM

I just typed you a long note and pressed a button and lost it...today as I was emailing you I was thrilled that deployemnt did not seem to be a concern for you guys and didn't want to mention it but msut say I wondered if you'd be effected.

You have to be assured that all of us will be here for you, I am with Rachel in that I wish I could be there to help you with all of your best laid plans. We are due within days of eachother and you are more than welcome to pack your bags and come stay with us if that would help you...we have joked that our plans are similiar so I can hook you up out here and we'll go thru it together... we've got the room.

I know words can not help right now...you have my email and I think I supplied you my number, please do not hesitate to contact me. Our thoughts are with you and Evan...your baby has a hero for a father that is for sure!!!...and a hero of a mom too...

12-24-2002, 01:31 AM
I'm so sorry - I wish I knew something better to say than that. Don't apologize for your sadness - you've lost something, and it was very very important to both of you. When you're ready, build a new vision of DH's face when you introduce him to his beautiful, healthy son or daughter, and hold tight to that. My thoughts are with you.



12-24-2002, 01:59 PM

I can't even imagine what it must be like to face what you're going through right now. I am so sorry. Enjoy the holidays and the time you have together before your husbands deployment. Your birth will not be what you originally envisioned, but you will manifest another vision that will be beautiful nonetheless. Meanwhile, I will envision a lasting peace in this world and your husband's speedy and safe return home.

Take care,

12-24-2002, 06:23 PM
Oh boy,
My heart is really breaking for you. I dont even know what to say because nothing will really help you...I wish there was something any of us could do....just know that you and your husband are in our thoughts and prayers and that your baby is so lucky to be coming into such a wonderful family, with such loving parents. Even if your husband will not be there physically to help you give birth, he will be there to raise his child. Please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do....all the best,

twins r fun
12-25-2002, 12:54 AM
I too cried when I read your post. I truly cannot imagine what this must be like for you. You must be a very strong person to have already dealt with the other separations-you will get through this too and you will find a way to make it special for you and your husband. But it really does SUCK. I will be thinking of you and like everyone else said post or email if you need anything.


12-26-2002, 12:22 AM
Everyone, thank you for your support. I cried for two days straight, and now I am feeling a little bit better. We're trying to figure out what we need to do before he leaves (there are always so many things). I'm just trying to deal with it as best as I can. I've asked one of my good friends if she can step in to take DH's place as my birth coach. Of course, I realize this is a big commitment, as it would require her to take off a bit of time from work, and also to be available at the drop of a dime. She is a nurse though, and very supportive. I'm lucky to have her. Amazingly, her DH is leaving for his normal scheduled six month deployment Jan. 6. This is their second deployment, but they've known about it for over a year, so it's not quite so bad.

I realize that I have to be strong for our baby -- e.g. continue to take care of myself, eating properly, and taking it easy. I am one of those people that has a VERY hard time asking for help. I usually just do everything myself when DH isn't around, but I know this is one of those times when I have to ask and accept help from others.

I also know I will have a million questions as the time comes closer and after the baby is born for all of you, so I thank you all in advance for your support and help in trying to learn things as I go. It's nice to have a support group like this. DH read all the posts and said he was happy I had such a wonderful group of women as a support system. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

12-26-2002, 11:03 AM

I feel so badly for you. I know this is a difficult time for both you and your husband, but at least you know that you need to keep yourself healthy for yourself, as well as your baby. I know there is nothing that I can say at this time to make you feel better, except that you are in our thoughts and if there is anything any of us can do, please let us know!

I hope things go well for you as you adjust your plans and prepare for the arrival of your little one.

Toni - mom to Katherine (5/19/96) and Andrew (9/23/02)

12-26-2002, 12:56 PM
Tammy, just thinking of you and wondering how you're doing...

Mom to Abigail Rose

12-26-2002, 01:47 PM
Doing okay Rachel, thanks for asking. We're going to San Francisco for a few days (original plans) and will be meeting DH's mom there and staying with his aunt. It will be nice to get away for a bit and do something fun. On the negative side, I've been having terrible Restless Leg Syndrome. It's awful. I thought it was just leg cramps for a while, but midwife said based on my symptoms, it's RLS. I pretty much wake up every 20 minutes and need to get up and stretch, walk around, etc. Makes sleeping very difficult (for me and for DH). Plus last night, I had ulcer pains for the first time since the 1st trimester. Yuck! I guess I'm going to be like everyone else who can't sleep the last trimester. Guess that prepares us for when the baby finally comes?!

Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

12-26-2002, 04:09 PM
These's a drug called Mirapax (not sure of the spelling) that's supposed to be very helpful with RLS. You might ask your midwife if it's safe to use during pregnancy. Apparently it makes a huge difference in the ability to sleep.

Mom to Abigail Rose

12-26-2002, 07:12 PM
I'll ask her about it, but when I spoke to her last time, she did say there were no drugs that were safe to take for it during pregnancy unfortunately.

Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

12-26-2002, 07:21 PM

That sucks! I guess the best thing you can do is make the best of it because you have to. My dad was in the Navy when I was born; I think they planned to do everything together when I was born, but I was 3 weeks late and my dad was on a submarine somewhere in the North Atlantic Sea when I was born. He didn't see me until I was 6 weeks old. My mom had another Navy wife act as her birthing coach...and my dad was out of the service when my little brother was born 6 years later.

Enjoy what time you have together now.


12-26-2002, 10:44 PM
I read on another board where someone was inquiring about a free doula service for wives of military men who were stationed elsewhere during the birth of their child. I don't know if anyone responded to her I'll try to find out where I saw it (I suspect PP board maybe unmedicated births-recently)...

I wonder if you can contact the association for doula's and see if there is such a thing out in San Diego...

12-26-2002, 11:01 PM
I was wondering about that myself. I think that would be a good idea. If you can find anything out, definitely let me know. That would be a big help. I'll also try to find out myself through my sources when I get back from San Francisco. Thanks for thinking of me.

Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

12-27-2002, 10:16 AM
Tammy, doulas working for certification will often attend births without charge. You could contact DONA and ALACE and see if the course leaders in your area can give you any names.

Mom to Abigail Rose

12-28-2002, 09:54 AM
I just read through the posts and am in tears. My husband and I are sorta facing the same dilemma (though we are not sure whether he will be leaving... yet) He just completed flight training on the E-2 (a carrier-based survelliance aircraft) and will be assigned to either a squadron that is scheduled to leave Jan 5th or one that was on the schedule for the spring, but it looks like it will be deploying earlier due to the Iraq thing. We should know sometime next week which one he goes to.

Our EDD is Feb 18th. I am extremely lucky and have family closeby (my MIL is 20 minutes away) and lots of friends, but I know how you feel. I try to look on the bright side... at least I'll have time to take off baby weight while my husband is gone and he should be home for the holidays next year... our first as a family.

Let me know if you need someone to talk with.


12-28-2002, 11:42 AM
Dear Elisa and Tammy,

Sorry for the late arrival. . .

My thoughts are with you both. What faces you is difficult and rotten and all around unfair. I admire the lives that you have chosen and will think of your DHs often, wishing for a safe and speedy return home.

I can't say anything more than has already been said. I can only let you both know that pregnancy and motherhood are exciting, amazing, and overwhelming times; be sure to ask for help and accept the help that is offered.

Enjoy the New Year, and the new lives that will be upon you soon!


12-28-2002, 04:29 PM

I am sending an e-hug your way. I cannot even imagine what you must be going through, but know that you are in many thoughts and prayers. Take care and enjoy every moment :-(

EDD #1 01.21.03

12-28-2002, 10:43 PM
Tammy, I'm glad you are feeling better. Deployments are never fun. My husband was in the army (active duty) for 4 years and I remember going to see "Saving Private Ryan" with friends when he was possibly going to be deployed to Pakistan and becoming practically hysterical in the theater.

A colleague of mine delivered her baby girl right after her husband was sent on deployment for 9 months. He taped himself reading books to the baby and just talking to both of them, and she said it really helped, both for her loneliness and for the baby's adjustment to him coming back.

Spend lots of time together for now, and you've always got us to lean on if you need anything.

trying-to-conceive :)

12-29-2002, 01:01 PM
Tammy, I just saw your message. How disappointing for you! Of course, you are sad! But all births are very special, even if they are not the births we planned or imagined. You and your DH will find a way to make this special for all of 3 of you.

Thinking of you!

12-29-2002, 09:15 PM
If you're military or military dependent - you can always contact TriCare or the closest military medical facility regarding the Doula services. I know at Ft. Lewis (WA) they have a list of them at the Madigan Army Hospital.

12-30-2002, 05:04 PM
I just found out (literally 4 hours ago) that my husband has been assigned to a fleet squadron that will be leaving for "work ups" on Jan 6th for 6-7 months. There is a possibility that he may be home for a couple of days in late Feb, but that is a very slight possibility. He was scheduled to be on leave through Jan 2nd, but instead is flying the rest of the day today, tonight, tomorrow and pretty much everyday until he leaves to prepare for the boat.

Our first baby is due Feb 18th... oh well, I guess that is Navy life for you. I wish you and your family well, you're not alone.


12-30-2002, 11:34 PM

I've been gone for a while and just saw your post and wanted you to know that my heart aches for you. You are an amazingly strong woman. Shannon's post reminded me that my grandma taped herself singing songs and reading books (like Good Night Moon) for me when I was small because she lived so far away. I would just pop it in the cassette player and follow along in the book while my mom turned the pages. Maybe you and DH could go out and buy some books for the baby that would be "his books" and tape himself reading them. But for all your sakes, I hope that he returns home safely soon to find you and the wee one happy and healthy after an easy labor.

I have nothing else to offer unless you live in the SF Bay Area, in which case I would be happy to bring you dinner, have you over for lunch (or a nap, post-baby :)), or do whatever else may lift your spirits. In any case, I will continue to be here to listen to your ups and downs, and perhaps help along the way.

01-03-2003, 08:20 AM
Thanks again to everyone for their kind words and support. We're down to two weeks away for him leaving, and while it's hard, I'm trying to stay focused and positive. We're getting close to having the baby's room finished, and we're planning to buy the carseat this week so he can install it before he leaves. A good friend of ours is also having a baby shower for both of us before he leaves, which will be nice for him to keep him involved as much as possible.

We may also be able to get doula services for free. Actually the woman I'm taking the hypnobirthing course from said she may have someone who would be excellent, and who has already taken the course, so she would be well prepared.

Anyway, thanks again to everyone for the support. It means a lot to me. I KNOW I will be leaning on you all and looking for guidance in the coming months.

EDD March '03

01-03-2003, 11:13 AM
Hi Tammy,

I am so sorry to hear your news. (Sorry I couldn't write to you sooner.) You will be in my thoughts.

Lisa (a.k.a. Nigele)
Mommy to Tommy

01-03-2003, 11:46 AM

Just in case.

01-03-2003, 10:54 PM
Elisa &Tammy,

Still thinking of you both.


01-05-2003, 07:25 PM
I am so glad that they are doing a couples shower for you to include him...he will love that :)...

I reviewed that parents place board where someone asked about free doula services for military wives whose hubby's were deployed but the site that was mentioned didn't work...

OHHHH I just tried it again and here it is :):):)

I am going to do another post so this info is out there for all!!! I didn't read thru it yet but looks like it something that can work for you and others in your situation.

Keep us posted, and would love to hear how the doula turns out-I think you will be happy with that. Are you delivering on base???


01-05-2003, 07:35 PM
Ah, yes, I actually emailed them before Christmas but haven't heard back yet. Maybe this coming week. Also, the woman I'm taking hypnobirthing from said she may have someone who'd be willing to do it and who has already taken her course, which would be great.

I'm definitely going through a range of emotions on a regular basis. DH is mostly just feeling sad and depressed, whereas I go through periods of severe anger and severe sadness...and of course I do have moments where I am trying to be as positive and focused as possible. My one friend who is having the shower for us says she thinks that one of the reasons this is happening to me, is because I can "handle" it. She's seen me go through a lot, and she thinks I'm very strong for everything I've gone through. But, I must admit, it's not always easy to be strong, and wish I didn't have to be quite so often.

I'm delivering at a naval hospital, through the midwife program. The midwife I've been working with seems really great and is very supportive of me having a birth plan, so I do believe I can stick with it even without DH.

EDD March '03

01-05-2003, 08:38 PM
I just have to say, you sound like an incredible woman! I've never been in your shoes, but I really admire how hard you are working to get through this. I can only imagine how hard it must be trying to have a healthy and calm pregnancy right now, but hang in there. Years from now, all that will matter is that you and your husband have a happy, healthy child.
I know everything will go fine. Keep us posted.

01-15-2003, 10:31 PM
I'm so sorry to hear that :(, especially at this time in your life. (((((((hugs))))) I don't post here often so I hope you dont mind me offering support. :) My dh is in the army and I know it can be rough, especially for those in your situations, where your hubby's mos means more deployments then most. I wish you and your new baby the very best and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that your dh comes back safetly soon! ~Jackie~

01-16-2003, 11:06 AM
Jackie, thank you for your support. I have met an incredible group of people through this board, and have actually found more support here than sometimes through my own family. It's definitely nice to have people out there who care so much, even if they don't know me in real life. Thanks for your thoughts.

Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!