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View Full Version : MIL visiting after birth - suggestions?



mcmorfit
02-17-2003, 08:25 PM
This really isn't a "bitch" but just wanted to get some thoughts. My DH is an only child and this will be the first grandchild on both sides. We told both sets of parents that we wanted a couple of weeks before they came to visit.

This didn't work into MIL's schedule so she and FIL are coming a little early. I know that it is not my duty to entertain, and MIL is really great about cooking and said she will do whatever she can to help out. I'm just a little freaked out becasue MIL is a VERY controlling person (when DH and I got married 8 years ago she said that when we have children, we can send them to her and they can stay with her for the whole summer. I think this shocked my body into not being able to conceive until now).

Due to this over controlling of everything, I've never really felt comfortable around her and am worried about the baby's arrival. I know that any help from her will be appreciated and that this will be a time to exercise setting boundaries. I'm just afraid that she will try to control everything - not as extreme as Rosemary's Baby, but my mind does wander.

Any feedback about controlling MIL's?


Thanks,
Ellen
EDD: 02/23/03 - and not earlier as we are in "Storm Watch 2003"

etwahl
02-17-2003, 09:01 PM
Without our baby being here yet, I can only give my opinion of an idea. Whenever I want something "delicate" discussed with my MIL, I have DH do it. He is able to do it in a gentle way. I would suggest that he tell them (well before their visit) that you are all very excited to have them visit, but it's very important that the both of you are left to make the decisions and bonding with baby (very important in the early stages), while they need to be there to support YOU (e.g. that means taking care of household matters and allowing you to take care of the baby unless you specifically ask for baby help.) Just have him remind them how excited they were when they had their first baby, and how important it was for them to bond with their baby and that you feel the same way. Sometimes it takes putting things in perspective to help people understand. Hopefully they will be open to that, but if they get too pushy, my gut tells me that your "mom" instincts will kick in and you will be able to get your way without offending them.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

brubeck
02-17-2003, 09:08 PM
If you are breastfeeding, that's always a terrific excuse to grab the baby away and say, "Oops, time for baby's meal!" and then closet yourself away in a room with him/her.

Just a useful trick I learned when my MIL was driving me nuts about my first baby. :-)

megsmom
02-17-2003, 09:54 PM
My MIL came to stay with us for almost 2 weeks a week after our dd was born. She was a wonderful help in many ways with cooking and cleaning, but is also used to running the ship her way. Meanwhile I was having some nursing troubles and descending into post-partum depression so it was a hard time anyway. I really needed my mom, but due to some other family issues, she and my dad were delayed in coming for a couple more weeks.

My MIL bottle-fed all of her kids and really couldn't be supportive of bfing and intentionally or unintentionally made a lot of undermining remarks like "Didn't you just feed her an hour and a half ago? Are you sure she's getting enough?...and on and on." She also was very into pacifier use with her kids and was stuffing them into my dd's mouth at every opportunity and constantly trying to make me go up to my room and rest while she took the baby. Unfortunately, it's no surprise that dd's suck got screwed up, my milk supply plumeted, and dd didn't gain enough weight. She also decided that she would pick out dd's outfits each day and even rearranged her dresser one day while we were at the ped's office! All of this and some other stuff really messed up me gaining any confidence as a new mom. I was almost terrified of her leaving because I felt there was no way I could take care of my own daughter.

So here's what I would advise: if your MIL starts butting in about your feeding choice (whatever it is) state that is between you, your husband and your baby and not up for discussion. Either are any other decisions you guys make. Try and give her as many household things to do as she wants, but you and your husband try to do most of the baby care. You need the experience anyway and it helps to establish that you are the parents of this baby, inexperienced as you may be. Oh sure, if you need a break or some sleep, I would of course let your inlaws help out as you need them to, and certainly accept her advice if you truly are needing some. To my MIL's defense, I think she loves babies (she had 4) and was very excited to be dressing, holding, loving a new baby, she just forgot that it wasn't hers this time. I think she was also a little jealous that she couldn't participate in feeding her. She lost her mother when my husband was just a baby, so really never had her mother there to help her, she just had to do it all herself. Meanwhile, I was having migraines, and experiencing a total personality change with my descent into ppd, and she honestly didn't know how to support me or handle me in that state. We had a long talk about this time months later and came to an understanding of what we both misunderstood about each other and are on quite good terms now. I think I will ask her back for the next baby, just after my mom comes and we have established a good breastfeeding relationship. My dh will also be a bit better on the interference too.

You might have a great time with her. Who knows?! I hope you guys can find a good balance. It's a strange time adjusting to a new baby, and being sleep deprived and hormonal so even little things can make you very defensive. Luckily, my husband or I never did or said anything to cause a huge family rift although it probably would have helped if we were a little more assertive. Maybe it's something you only learn with experience. At least next time we'll have that. :)

Jen
mom to Meghan 7/13/01

KathyO
02-17-2003, 10:13 PM
Cultivate, ahead of time, a stock, pleasant-sounding but non-committal response to stuff she says or suggests. Some of it will probably be useful, but for the useless/criticizing stuff (you should start toilet training at birth/feeding solids in the first week/whatever) you can thus smile appreciatively and say, "Mmmm!" or "I should think about that," or even "I might try that" or whatever. It's great - ends the discussion, promises nothing, but causes no friction. And you'll be too whacked to engage in a serious territorial conflict anyway. And then she'll go home and you can get on with things!!

My relationship with MIL warmed quite a bit after I had my daughter. The nonstop tone of complaint sets my teeth on edge, but it was seeing her melt into a puddle of goo for this baby of mine that improved my outlook. It's amazing how someone will rise in your estimation when they adore your child...

Good luck!

KathyO

egoldber
02-17-2003, 10:25 PM
My MIL is very similar, wonderful, but controlling.

In a word: "project". Give her something to do! If you let her invent something to do, it may not be what you want. Have a LONG list of things that you want her to do when she comes. My MIL's projects were to paint the nursery (she was an art teacher in public school for many years) and to cook and have meals frozen for us when she left. She also basically took care fo the house while I took care of the baby. In general, this worked for us. There were a few comments she made, but nothing I couldn't handle.

Also, there are some good books on being a grandparent, that in retrospect I wish I had gotten for her. I think this would have helped with some of the education of how things had changed in the 30 odd years since she had had an infant.

HTH,

Karenn
02-18-2003, 12:03 AM
I too have a controlling MIL, but I must say, she has mellowed significantly since Colin was born.

I second Tammy's advice about having DH do some of the talking. We've also found that it's been really helpful to set some "expectations" BEFORE they become issues. I think DH even sat her down and said something like, "You know, we are really excited for the important role you're going to play in Colin's life. We're so glad he's going to know his grandparents so well. It's amazing how much has changed in the world of babies. There are going to be a lot of things that we're probably going to do much differently than you did with us. Your support in these areas would mean a lot to us." It wouldn't work for everyone, but this direct approach seemed to be exactly what my MIL needed.

Also, I used Beth's strategy of keeping her busy and making her feel useful. I asked her to make some of DH's favorite meals and freeze them for us. I also sent her to the store or on a variety of other errands. I tried to spend a lot of time letting her know how much appreciated these things so that she wouldn't feel "rejected" if I didn't want her help in other areas. With my MIL, her behavior really can be controling and manipulative, but what she seemed to want above all else was to be involved and needed. When I was able to give her that on MY terms, it was far less stressful for all of us.

flagger
02-18-2003, 10:31 AM
>We told both sets of parents that we wanted a couple of weeks before they came to visit.
>
>This didn't work into MIL's schedule so she and FIL are
>coming a little early.

Maybe it is just me, but it is not HER schedule this needs to be worked around. It should be about you, DH and your new baby. Period. I know you have to try and make peace and be civil, but I would weight the benefits of bonding of the three of you over anything else. Have you thought of at least telling them to get a hotel so they are not completely underfoot? At least have DH act as a buffer between you two.

Believe me, I have a MIL that can be very controlling and a mother as well. However my mom doesn't/can't travel anymore, so my MIL will most likely be coming after the baby is born. However we have already heard her bitching because the bedrooms and full baths are upstairs. Then again she hates the name we chose, she hates our nursery theme, she hates we spent as much on a crib that we did. My favourite line is "You are NOT on the committee."

Good luck.

Magda
02-18-2003, 11:37 AM
No, it's not her MIL's schedule that HAS to be worked around, but compromise is a wonderful thing. We also wanted a week by ourselves, but my mother's feeling were deeply hurt by that decision. We let her come after 3-4 days. It went a long way that we also showed consideration to my mom's feelings.

mcmorfit
02-18-2003, 11:53 AM
Don't mess with Texas and don't mess with Mamma McMorfit!

Thank you so much for all of the great words of wisdom, I shared them with DH and we are going to use them. ILs are staying at a hotel close by, so when they are here they will be put to work - as I think Beth said they love Projects. So today as the snow thaws, DH and I are going to start making a list of projects and bake cookies.

DH did have a conversation with MIL at Christmas and basically stated that we appreciate her enthusiasm over the grandchild but she needs to let us be parents and parent our own way. HOWEVER, just because he talked to her I know it will be a constant reminder, he came up with the key phrase "back off" which is her que. I just need to use it, maybe I could make a SuperHero Mamma outfit and twirl around when I say it.

Seriously, I really appreciate all the support and ideas, this has given me enough that the mothering instinct will kick in and be used. Thanks again.

Ellen
EDD: 02/23/03

bnme
02-18-2003, 11:54 AM
Don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted to say I understand how you feel and that thinking about how you will deal with it ahead of time is a great. I didn't and wasn't that prepared.

It is difficult dealing with inlaws and parents at this time. I like the suggestion of having projects lined up. Discuss it with them before hand so you don't backdown from it later. I wasn't good at telling people what to do and ended up feeling obligated to entertain. I had several missed opportunities that were probably partly my own fault. So remember to be assertive! And take advantage as much as possible! Go take that nap!

The bf thing is also difficult. I too had to deal with the many odd comments ("Didn't you just feed him", etc) -even from my Dad. And everyone was very humored by my feeding log -"We didn't need that in our day". My Dad was surprised I didn't have it rigged up in a spreadsheet or on a PDA-LOL! Try and take it with a grain of salt and not get offended, I guess they just don't know. A grandparent book that tells about how things are different today sounds like a great idea! I wish I had gotten one of those!

I think after 6 weeks, and now that DS is almost completely weaned they are starting to understand. Maybe with #2 it'll be easier.

Good luck-and thankfully your labor waited till after the storm!

MartiesMom2B
02-19-2003, 07:43 PM
Ellen:

After your MIL's visit please let me know how you handled things.

My MIL is planning on staying a week after my parents leave (they will be with me for 2 weeks). Hopefully things will be in a set routine by then and I'll have an additional excuse. But I empathize with your controlling MIL. I get many a sympathetic look when my friends meet MIL (she's a combo of George Costanza's mom from Seinfeld, and the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond). I know that she means well, but she just goes about the wrong way! And from what I've seen with my nephews, she really does love babies and takes care of them.

So far my defense plans are:

1) Hiding all bottles and pacifiers in my bedroom, as I will be BFing, and MIL thinks that I'm ambitious for wanting to try it. She's already hinted about supplimenting w/ formula.
2) Making DH go over some house rules with her.
3) Anything she objects to in the way I do something with the baby, I'm going to tell her pediatrician told me to do it my way.

Good luck!

Sonia
EDD 4/14/03

wdland45
02-21-2003, 10:44 PM
Be happy they live far away! My MIL lives close by and made it her duty to call me every 2 hours the first two months of my sons life. I had to start screening phone calls! When my DS was first born, the security guard at the hospital had to ask her to leave twice because she wouldn't go. Additionally, she felt she needed to inspect the presents her neighbors had gotten for my DS - I got the opened presents in a bag with the wrapping paper neatly folded next to it! Sorry, your post got my blood boiling all over again. My DH is also an only child, so I feel your pain! And unfortunately my DH did speak to her and it did very little to help. I hope your situation turns out better than mine!
Danielle
Danielle