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View Full Version : Will DH do the right thing this time?



elvisfan
02-23-2003, 12:13 AM
One thing my dh did not do with our first baby/delivery was to give me a thank you gift afterwards.I wasn't expecting diamonds, but a card or a rose would have been nice. Or a poem. It kind of marred the whole experience for me.
Now I'm expecting #2 and want to drop some hints, but I'd feel foolish.Like, why bother?if I ask to ask for the gift I might as well go out and get it for myself...
Well, thanks for letting me vent:)

kathsmom
02-23-2003, 01:48 AM
I can really relate to what you are saying!! I had DD 2 days before our 2nd anniversary. I thought I would get a nice small gift, flowers, or a card. I got nothing. I complained to my mom about it (big mistake!!! She didn't let him forget it for awhile!). I did tell DH and he apologized a lot. He wasn't trying to be insensitive - he just didn't think about it.

I did tell him that with DS, he better have a gift to give me at the hospital or my mom would be very upset with him again! I even told him what I wanted - a sterling silver charm in a silhouette of a boy's head that I could have engraved with his name and birthday. I already have one for DD on my charm bracelet. He got it for me and I was very happy.

Anyway, he is a great husband and a wonderful father, and he has done some sweet and surprising things for me in the past. I know where you're coming from and I don't think you should feel foolish dropping hints. I know others may not agree, but I love getting gifts, even if I did have to hint for this one!!

HTH and good luck with everything! Remember, to always point out the "Diamonds Are Forever" commercials when they come on and tell him about the ring/earring/necklace/bracelets they are showing!! Maybe he'll get the hint!!

Sorry this is so long!

Toni - mom to Katherine (5/19/96) and Andrew (9/23/02)

newbelly2002
02-23-2003, 05:57 AM
There's a great little section about that in the "Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy." I just left that section open on his pillow and asked him later the next day if he had had a chance to do any reading.

DH is wonderful, thoughtful and a great dad. He told me later that he was happy I did that only because he wouldn't have thought of that himself (and true to form forgot Mother's Day completely last year).

Paula

flagger
02-23-2003, 10:24 AM
I am thinking of getting her a small pendant with all three of our birthstones in it. Our budget will not allow for diamonds at this time, and with me not working it is terribly hard to justify having her "pay" for a diamond for her. Then again my father always paid for his birthday and Christmas gifts as my mother was a stay at home mom.

jojo2324
02-23-2003, 11:21 AM
Well, this year has been a complete bust for DH...I was given flowers after delivery, but nothing else. And like Paula, nothing for Mother's Day. He claims I was still pregnant and didn't qualify. My foot!!! :( I of course got him a (small) gift and a card for Father's Day. And then Valentine's Day we pretty much agreed to skip the festivities, but I still got him two cards, one from me and one from the baby. He was like "oh, I thought we said we weren't going to do anything..." Then he went out and got me flowers and a card.

It doesn't bother me so much because I am sure it just never crossed his mind. C'mon, this is a guy who can't remember to put the seat down at times! :D Perhaps next time I'll have to try Paula's technique. Hmmm...next time...

Momof3Labs
02-23-2003, 11:51 AM
My DH didn't do this either - but it never even crossed my mind that he should have. His love and support through the entire pregnancy, the loooong labor and the almost five months that Colin has been home is the most priceless and precious gift that I could have received.

In my opinion, if him not doing this will mar the experience for you, then you need to tell him that. He just might not know that he is expected to do something.

etwahl
02-23-2003, 12:09 PM
I'm probably in the minority in agreeing with Lori. I'm strange that way. I never expect gifts from DH, but (huge bonus) always get them at the most unexpected moments, so it's always a huge surprise. But I'm also one of those weird ones who doesn't even care all that much about my own birthday. But I do agree that sometimes what we think is totally appropriate or necessary is totally off the DH's radar screens. After all, we're not venus and mars for nothing :) :)

But definitely talk to him. We all have different personal and emotional needs, and there's not a darn thing wrong with that! You could say something like "mommy sure would like *gift* after this baby gets here! This has been one crazy ride..."

I know it may seem impersonal to have to suggest what you want, but I think eventually you will get your DH trained. They just aren't created the same as we are, but usually come around with a little experience. Good luck. I hope your labor experience is wonderful and that there are no hard feelings.

PS: You could also get him a "thank you" card before hand (like in your 8th month - it doesn't say how far along you are in your post). If I were doing the same thing, I'd envision saying thank you for putting up with me, thank you for being such a great support and husband, and thank you for being the father of our child." Some men respond to that type of thing more than subtle (or not so subtle) hints!

Edited to say: It's entirely possible that I don't care/worry about stuff like this BECAUSE my needs are met by DH. It's absolutely entirely reasonable that if he wasn't the way he was, I'd be feeling the exact same way you are right now. I just wanted you to know that and that I certainly do not discount how you feel at all! It seems perfectly reasonable to me :)

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

Momof3Labs
02-23-2003, 01:02 PM
>Edited to say: It's entirely possible that I don't care/worry about >stuff like this BECAUSE my needs are met by DH. It's absolutely >entirely reasonable that if he wasn't the way he was, I'd be feeling >the exact same way you are right now. I just wanted you to know that >and that I certainly do not discount how you feel at all! It seems >perfectly reasonable to me

Same here!

mama2be
02-23-2003, 03:06 PM
I too am with Tammy and Lori on this one. BUT I don't even for a second judge those who would want alittle something (I've had times where I was dissappointed by not getting something so can't judge that). I would agree that if it is going to scar your experience to either have a good male friend pull him aside or even a good female friend pull him aside and to hint to him.

I jsut think about Tammy and how she would do anything to have Evan with her and tht keeps me grounded as well...

I do have one friend who I know is going to ask (nose in the air), "what did Steve get you????"...and then proceed to talk about it forever...I'm prepared to casually start talking with my left hand and show her the rock he gave me when he proposed.

I think I feel this way because I have been out of work for 9 months and my hubby has worked hard to keep us in our home, fed, with cars that work, tires that are safe, and vet bills when our critters needed them...so I am in a different boat then most.

mama2be
02-23-2003, 03:15 PM
That would be a huge gift!!!!

For those that don't know, Lori (MOMOF3LABS) rescues senior pups (about 12 and older) and has a hubby that shares her passion...I have a DEAR hubby that entertains my passion...but her hubby actually encourages hers...and the "under dogs" at that. That's not the easy road choosing to save the older, more sickly, more costly pups...and to know that they won't be with you as long...

WOW...He is a keeper gifts or no gifts....:)
I admire the two of you so much!!!!

C99
02-23-2003, 03:40 PM
I agree that if you want a little something, you should whack him over the head with hints. Sure, it takes some of the romance out, but boys are boys and they don't always think about these things. I can think of one time that I've been truly surprised by flowers -- and that was after nearly 4 years of "training"! Usually, I've hinted pretty heavily (or outrighr asked).

I think I started dropping "just gave birth gift" hints a year before I was even pregnant!

etwahl
02-23-2003, 03:45 PM
You're right Neve, the biggest gift in the world would be to have Evan here, but I know (hope) he'll be here for the next baby. Instead I just focus on how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband. I really am lucky.

Your friend "the what did Steve get you one..." UGH!!! Don't you just love "friends" like that?! Actually, wouldn't you just love to slap them!!! She's probably the same type of friend who would say "oh, he didn't get you anything? Well my DH got me..."

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

gour0
02-23-2003, 04:03 PM
I'm definitely not expecting a gift! :D My 'gift' is being a SAHM and Benjamin! That said, I hope YOU get something! If you like, we can all call him and give him ideas! ;)

mama2be
02-23-2003, 04:50 PM
These poor hubbies they don't stand a chance with all of us scheming against them do they :)...

We could just bombard him with emails and pictures of what you want...

I swear I've thought of a service that men could sign up for and that it would be my responsibility to help them keep track of birthdays etc...and to help them plan what to do and how to pull it off. Kind of like a personall shopper, but the service could involve literally sending the man bubble bath and 3 candles to have ready for his DW/SO "just because"... I think there would be a market for such a thing...they would certaintly find out quickly how happy their lives could be...

masetane
02-23-2003, 06:16 PM
I didn't get anything either but until I saw this post I didn't know I should expect something. What he does do is come home early and play with the baby, does the laundry, makes dinner and I can be a SAHM. If it really bothers you not to receive a gift - just tell him in a tactful way that it would mean something to you if he could pick out something to commemorate the birth of your child. My husband is completely clueless in the gift giving arena so that's what I do. For occasions, I literally tell him what I would like. I know, not as romantic as all of us would like but what can I do? - he makes up for it in other ways. So my advice is either drop hints, be honest with him about it or just accept the fact that he will demonstrate love/appreciation in his own way! :)
caroline

elvisfan
02-23-2003, 06:50 PM
>I'm definitely not expecting a gift! :D My 'gift' is being
>a SAHM and Benjamin! That said, I hope YOU get something!
>If you like, we can all call him and give him ideas! ;)
I am a sahm mom,too,and while I consider it to be a wonderul and rewarding choice, it's not a gift my dh gives to me.If anything,it's a gift I give to him.If he had to find childcare-and keep in mind, he's military-he'd be out of some big bucks(lol).
Just a thought.

elvisfan
02-23-2003, 06:53 PM
>I didn't get anything either but until I saw this post I
>didn't know I should expect something. What he does do is
>come home early and play with the baby, does the laundry,
>makes dinner and I can be a SAHM. If it really bothers you
>not to receive a gift - just tell him in a tactful way that
>it would mean something to you if he could pick out
>something to commemorate the birth of your child. My
>husband is completely clueless in the gift giving arena so
>that's what I do. For occasions, I literally tell him what
>I would like. I know, not as romantic as all of us would
>like but what can I do? - he makes up for it in other ways.
> So my advice is either drop hints, be honest with him about
>it or just accept the fact that he will demonstrate
>love/appreciation in his own way! :)
>caroline
But the thing is-I know plenty of guys who "allow"(for lack of a better word)their wives to be sahms(which,imho,is pretty hard work) and who still get a little something for their wives after childbirth.
I've decided not to hint and just cut my losses. I mean, I can see why some of you say,"Hint. Tell him". But I don't want a gift if it's forced.that said, thanks for all of your advice:)

gravymommy3
02-23-2003, 08:23 PM
I also did not get anything for giving birth. Well, that is not quite true. The last baby, my mother cleaned my house and had a home-cooked meal waiting for me when a I got home and she and my dad helped my husband chase after the older two. It was wonderful.

And come to think of it, I guess my husband's gift to me on the third child was he delivered her when she came a little sooner than expected and kept me calm during the whole process. He could have freaked out and fainted, and then where would I have been??

Amy

brubeck
02-23-2003, 09:17 PM
Not to criticize, but just to put some perspective on this:

I will admit that my husband is not exactly a great gift-giver. He claims I am hard to buy for and he struggles to come up with present ideas for occasions such as Christmas and my birthday. To be fair, I am not a flowers and jewelry woman, so he can't just go out and buy that kind of stuff.

There have been many 'occasions' (Valentine's, anniversaries, the births of our two children, even a birthday or two) where I have not gotten anything at all, and of course this is disappointing, but I just think to myself that I'd rather have a husband who is wonderful all the time than one who just gives me presents a few days a year.

I knew when we got married that he was a lousy gift-giver, but he has so many other wonderful qualities (including being a terrific father who is willing to take over night feedings without a word of complaint) that this is minor in comparison to everything else. If there were something I really wanted he would have no problems with my going out and buying it for myself; he doesn't deny me. So even though occasionally I might miss out on a few surprises, I have the best gift of all: a fabulous life partner.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming. :-)

gour0
02-23-2003, 09:29 PM
I quit my job eight months ago and money is very tight. I don't really do much of the cooking and cleaning thing either. So, right now DH is carrying most of the load. I know it will be a lot of work when ds comes into the picture, but I still feel happy that I can stay with him and not have to hand him off to strangers to raise. I actually don't like gifts, per se. I prefer to buy things for myself. :) And, right now the 'things' I want are all for ds. I just have to space them out over time.

peanut4us
02-24-2003, 01:52 PM
Tammy,

What a fabulous idea! I have been on bedrest for 2 weeks with 6 more to look forward to, and if anyone deserves some recognition for sacrifice, a great attitude, and general greatness, it's my hubby. So I am going to write him a thank you today!

THanks for the suggestion.

mamahill
02-24-2003, 05:46 PM
Ah, this is true! I even tried the card when I was 8 months along. He just thought it was nice! A couple months after Ainsleigh's birth, I mentioned that he hadn't brought me flowers or anything in the hospital and the look on his face was priceless. He just stuttered, "I didn't?... Oh crap. Well why didn't you say something?!" Duh, that's not the point! I laughed about it and now just think it's funny. Besides, it gives me something to hold over his head... ;)

deenass
02-26-2003, 05:12 PM
You might want to enlist someone's help in encouraging your husband to "do the right thing." My mother in law told my husband he should buy me a gift for when the baby was born (I didn't ask her to, but if you have the kind of relationship with yours that you could it's worth a try).

My boss' mother actually picked out a gift (jewelery) she knew her daughter would like and called the "dad to be" about it ... made it easy for him and she got a beautiful gift!

Good luck .. with the birth (and the husband!)

phoeman
02-27-2003, 10:21 AM
ok I get the gifts on birthdays, Christmas, Valentines anniversary and soon mothers days but I guess I just wonder why women expect a gift? I know this will not make me popular on this board but shouldn't the child be gift enough. I know labor and pregnancy are hard on you, but it is no cake walk for us either, no we do not get the physical pain but we have just as many emotional issues as you guys, do you plan on getting your DH a gift?

Melanie
02-27-2003, 05:09 PM
I hadn't thought of it until I saw it on an episode of Baby Story. I did figure new mom's always get flowers (I got none). However, having been placed on a strict diet until childbirth Dh got me truffles (YUM!) and my mom got me a basket full of snacks and yummy food. I got my Dh a ring with a stone he'd been wanting and call it his "Daddy ring."

Mother's Day fell during the still nauseous part of pregnancy, if you have to earn a gift (which I'm not sure about) that certainly earns it! I got a mother/child necklace.


Mommy to Jonah

mamahill
02-27-2003, 08:40 PM
>no we do not get the physical
>pain but we have just as many emotional issues as you guys,
>do you plan on getting your DH a gift?

#1 - I DID get DH a card. (just like I did when we moved into our new house, adopted our cats, and every now and then just for fun I send one to his office)

#2 - just as many emotional issues? um, I don't think so. I know that hormones are an enigma to most men, but I think it would be safer for you to not even pretend like the emotional issues are equal.

#3 - "Get the physical pain"? You make it sound like a privelege. And while I am honored to be a parent, it does not feel good to push something the size of a watermelon out something the size of a grape. Add to that, that my tailbone was bent over the course of the 12 hour labor, and I think I deserve some flowers or something. I know men who are reduced to tears over a kidney stone. (and, should DH ever pass one, I would most CERTAINLY bring him something)

Obviously some hormones flared up here (pms, mamahill?), but I just wanted to say better to safe than sorry, eh?

etwahl
02-27-2003, 09:00 PM
Sarah, You're not Canadian, are you eh? :)

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

LisaS
02-27-2003, 09:04 PM
Very well put.

Having a baby is a MAJOR milestone in a woman's (and mans, too) life - if you'd give a gift for for a birthday or anniversary which happens yearly - how could you not give something to celebrate this huge momentous occasion. Spouses give gifts for graduations, most give eachother gifts on their wedding day - all once-in-a-lifetime major events. Why wouldn't you give a gift on the birth of your child - also a major event that happens once-twice-thrice or more in a lifetime - each time, its just as momentous.

All of my friends have received a "baby" gift upon the birth of each of their children (or if not a gift due to financial or other circumstances, then an IOU from their DH for a gift at a later date). Most have gotten some type of jewlery, I know 1 mom who got a few months with a personal trainer to get her back in shape - at her rquest - she decided she'd rather have her body back quickly than diamonds.

That said, those are MAJOR presents, which aren't necessary, but some form of acknowledgement IS - even if its just flowers a card or a something small but meaningful - the fact that DH respects it as a gift-worthy occasion is whats most important to most women I know.

mamahill
02-27-2003, 09:06 PM
Haha, maybe at heart? I've only ever been to Vancouver, but loved what I saw!

jojo2324
02-27-2003, 09:31 PM
Perhaps it is a little much to expect a gift from our hubbies after BIRTHING a child. I applaud the women who are content with the gift of a baby and a devoted husband. And not that I am not content...It just would have been nice if the thought had occurred spontaneously, without any prompting from me or an conveniently placed book. And honestly, I love my significant other, but I doubt that either one of these would have helped spur him along in the gift department. He's just that kind of guy. And I love him, so I am fine with that part of his personality. (He *did* bring me flowers, BTW.)

But thinking back on it, no, I don't think DH *quite* understood the effects of pregnancy and labor. Unlike me, he was not forced to deliver an eight and a half pound baby in a 100+ degree heat wave. Unlike me, he was allowed to eat while I was not, and did! While I was dilating! At a restaurant! With friends! He claims he would have passed out otherwise, but *I* didn't pass out, what excuse does he have? Unlike me, his private areas did not rip and need to be stitched back together. Unlike me, his nipples did not bleed and crack and ooze as his breasts grew to mammoth proportions while a small, screaming piranha lunged at them. Constantly. And unlike me, he has not had said screaming piranha attached to him after ripping through said private areas. But, hey! That's my job. And I do it with relatively little complaining...sort of. ;)

Obviously, to each his/her own. I am perfectly content with my family and the joy they bring me. I am not looking for jewels or anything, just a nice card and even a single flower would be nice. Anything to let me know that the wheels are turning up there. Just something to ponder while the arrival of your child draws nearer.

phoeman
02-28-2003, 04:27 PM
One thing I hate about message boards is that it is hard to tell meaning in the written word, how you say something is just as important as what you say. If you are in a bad mood when you read a post you may misread that persons intent, even though you read there words. Ok back to my post,

#1 - I DID get DH a card. (just like I did when we moved into our new house, adopted our cats, and every now and then just for fun I send one to his office)
1. That’s nice sounds like you like to buy cards and are very thoughtful, most of us guys don’t like to buy cards.

#2 - just as many emotional issues? um, I don't think so. I know that hormones are an enigma to most men, but I think it would be safer for you to not even pretend like the emotional issues are equal.
2. I never said they were the same, we have our own issues to deal with plus try and pretend that you guys are not driving us nuts too ( that was a joke )

#3 - "Get the physical pain"? You make it sound like a privelege.
3. Was not meant to, pain suxs, I truley feel sorry for the amount of pain you ladies go thru.

I guess I just don’t understand how someone could say that the birth of there child was marred because they didn’t get a present, but hey that is why men are different from women, not better not worse just different, I am sure my DW things I go nuts ever Sunday watching sports.

aguinn
03-14-2003, 04:18 PM
Might not be very popular of me to say, but... why not go out and get yourself something nice? Why rely on someone else? Granted, he is the father of your children, but maybe he helps out in other ways (without having to be asked) or does things for your children that you find especially endearing. Those are more precious gifts, and will provide more special memories, than anything material!


Due 7/22/03 - It's a wee boy!

sweetbasil
03-14-2003, 07:11 PM
For the birth of DS#1, DH got me a "Mommy Bracelet"--- something I'd REALLY been wanting. So maybe this time around, he'll upgrade it, add DS#2s name, and whatever else hits him at the time....we'll see. Best of luck on this one, elvisfan!

bcblue
03-19-2003, 01:45 AM
I had no idea that giving a gift after birth was a "thing to do". But, my DH who is an OB/GYN told me a few years ago that he often tells new dads to get their wives a little something (ie: diamond earings) for after delivery. I think most men really have no clue.(I don't mean that in a bad way, they just don't know.) If it is that important, maybe someone can "suggest" a gift.