PDA

View Full Version : I need to complain... (This is not going to be short...)



candybomiller
04-01-2003, 04:26 PM
Right now I am really feeling overwhelmed and like I don't have anyone to talk to. My mom was killed last November in a house fire and I'm not dealing with it very well. Basically I stopped functioning as a person (just as a mommy) until a couple of weeks ago. My son was the only thing that kept me going at all. My mom was my best friend and I talked to her everyday. She gave me advice, laughed at my stories, and cried with me during my severe post-partum depression. Now I feel like I just don't have anyone. Sure, I can talk to my husband, but he's just not the same as my mom. Plus, how can I bitch about him to him??? He's a great husband and a fantastic daddy, but sometimes I just want to bitch about him.

Like now. My other major gripe is that I really, really, really want to have another baby. However, my husband had a vasectomy (against my wishes) two weeks ago. Now I feel like I'm grieving for the babies I'm never going to have (in addition to grieving for my mom). All in all, I feel like I'm losing my mind. ARGH.

And for those who are wondering, yes, I am on anti-depressants, no, I'm not suicidal, and yes, I do know that this will pass. I just needed a safe forum to share. And for anyone reaching for the phone to call child protective services, it's really not necessary! :)

Thanks for letting me share my problems. I think I might feel better. Maybe.

Candy

dd_ani
04-01-2003, 04:48 PM
Candy,

I am so sorry you are going through all this. I don't really know what to say -- except that you always have people here who care and are available to listen to you. You are going through an awful time right now, it's no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. We will keep you in our thoughts.

Michelle

mamahill
04-01-2003, 04:59 PM
No, I'm not calling CPS! These feelings are completely normal. I am so so so sorry for your loss. Nothing can replace your mother. Please know that you can always count on us, though, to listen to any gripes you may have (even the most perfect husbands are the sources of bickering - hello pms!). If you ever want to chat online, my IM (aol) is peehee7. I'm going to email you separately...

gravymommy3
04-01-2003, 06:36 PM
Candy,

This may not be what you want to hear but... It may take longer than you ever imagined to come to terms with your mother's death. I lost my mother 2 1/2 years ago (not a surprize like your situation - we knew her's was impending, so that aspect has to be much harder for you) and I still have moments where I want to pick up the phone and call her. It does get better, but some days are harder than others. Aloow yourself to grieve. As far as the vasectomy issue, did DH know that you wanted another child? Or is this just something he decided on his own? Either way, allow yourself to feel whatever emotion you need to feel to get past this. Also, since it is just two weeks old, maybe there are still some swimmers left hanging around :) Maybe one might find its target...

Hang in there and it will eventually get better.

candybomiller
04-01-2003, 07:33 PM
Yes, he knew that I wanted another, but he didn't think that he would be able to handle it since I had ppd so badly after DS was born and he had to do all of the nighttime feedings, etc. As far as hoping one of his strays hits the mark, I do have to admit that I haven't been as diligent at taking the pill as I should be....

Candy

agomalley
04-01-2003, 08:44 PM
Candy,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I really don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Sending hugs your way...
Anabelle

mama2be
04-01-2003, 10:13 PM
Candy,

I am so saddened to read your post and to hear your situation...man life sure is not fair at times is it??? Darn it all that just sucks (sorry for the choice of words) but none of us should ever have to even think aobut losing a loved one like that.

You will always grieve, that wound will always be there and will always be deep I am certain. It does sound like you have a lot of great moments to remember with her thank god!!! and that will help on many days when you can't even think about going on.

Your DHs surgery is reversible...I wish he'd given you time to grieve, per you you're feeling better of late so maybe he'll see that and would be willing to reverse it...

Hugs to you and your family...

COElizabeth
04-01-2003, 11:29 PM
Oh, Candy! I am so sorry. I can't think of anything else to say. Do keep sharing. There are so many wonderful, caring people here who want to support you through this really tough time - and the good times ahead.

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

MartiesMom2B
04-01-2003, 11:35 PM
Candy:

I don't really have any advice for you. I just want to let you know that I sympathize with you and my heart goes out to you. I used to work at an IVF clinic and know that your husband's surgery is reversable.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Sonia
EDD 4/14/03

jojo2324
04-01-2003, 11:47 PM
Candy, I am so sorry for this. Wow. It sounds like you've got a lot going on there. You are completely allowed to vent and scream and kick and hiss. It's what we're here for! I don't have anything to say other than I have you in my thoughts, and I hope that your days get a little bit brighter soon.

flagger
04-02-2003, 12:26 AM
>I do have to admit that I haven't been as diligent at taking the
>pill as I should be....

Candy I am not going to judge you, but that statement worries me just a little bit. Please do not let your anger at your husband over his decision make you do something out of spite.

Talking about your feelings is the first step while you grieve, and I am sorry for your loss and the situation with your DH.

candybomiller
04-02-2003, 11:05 AM
Thank you for not judging. I made that statement slightly tongue and cheek. I guess my sense of humor is off and my jokes aren't quite what they used to be. Go figure! :) I'm not a spiteful person (most of the time) and I would never do anything to jeopardize my marriage (I'm not that far gone). So, thanks for worrying, but it's all for naught.

As an aside, it wouldn't matter anyway. I'm not on the pill for birth control purposes, but to help regulate my hormones. :) Guess that's not working so well either!

Candy
Mommy to Matthew Nicholas, 5/22/02

candybomiller
04-02-2003, 11:16 AM
Thank you everyone for your kind words and shoulders to cry on. I'm doing a little bit better today. I think yesterday was just a bad day for me in general (should see the pile of empty chocolate wrappers on my counter). It's comforting to know that I'm really not all alone. I'm getting all emotional.

I don't think that it's possible for you to know how much it means to me that I'm not all alone. It's kind of like being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Or some other way over-used cliche. :)

Candy
Mommy to Matthew Nicholas, 5/22/02

sntm
04-02-2003, 12:01 PM
Candy,
I can empathize with some of what you are going through. I've had a history of depression with 2 major episodes and remember the feeling of not being able to function to do anything. Feel free to email if you just need to unload. Having supportive people around you can make such a difference. I am so sad to hear about your loss of your mom, too. I have a really close relationship with mine and can see how that would make everything that much harder.

Also, if you've been on the meds for longer than 2 months, talk to your doc -- he or she may want to switch you to another or change the doseage. They can be really helpful. Don't give up! We are here for you!

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03

mharling
04-02-2003, 12:50 PM
I'm glad to hear that you feel a little bit better. Chocolate can never hurt and is your friend!! I know you have a long road ahead of you (Ok, sorry, another cliche) and each tomorrow won't necessarily be better than today. Stay focused on the journey as a whole and know that you can get through this (I think you already know that, which is great!). We are all here whenever you need to vent and cry or share progress and joy!

Mary
EDD 4/5/03

candybomiller
04-02-2003, 01:11 PM
Shannon,

Thanks for your message. It helps to know that I'm not the only one who's gone through depression. It's almost annoying because up until the past 6 months, I didn't really have anything to be depressed about. It made me feel like I wasn't appreciative of the things I had (which definitely isn't true) because I wasn't 100% happy. Now I know that being grateful for things in my life doesn't have anything to do with being depressed.

Candy
Mommy to Matt, 5/22/02

celfsh
04-02-2003, 01:38 PM
Candy,

I wish I could have responded to your post sooner. I am so sorry that you are going through so many difficult things at once--I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel. I wish there were something I could do to make you feel better. Please know that we are all here for you.

celeste
mom to olivia 9/25/02
http://homepage.mac.com/the_big_fish

Shirale
04-03-2003, 12:00 AM
Candy,
I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. What a nightmarish year you have had- I think I would be shocked if you were NOT depressed. No matter how much you love your husband, no one can ever ever replace your mother, and you are so lucky that you were close with her. I am so, so terribly sorry for your tragic loss. You are a strong and special woman, and I greatly admire your courage. I only wish there was something I could do...but please- always feel free to complain, etc- that is what friends are for!

Rachels
04-03-2003, 11:11 AM
FWIW, Candy, this doesn't sound like depression to my psychologist ears-- it sounds like grief. Grief is awful and numbing and excruciating, but normal. I just hate to see you pathologize yourself for this when I think ANYBODY would feel the way you feel in similar circumstances.

Have you and your husband thought about counseling at all? The vasectomy against your wishes and the iffy birth control make me curious about whether you could use some support in figuring out better ways to communicate with each other. I worry that you're both setting yourself up for some really damaging resentment later on.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a sad and difficult time.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

candybomiller
04-03-2003, 12:15 PM
Rachel,

I have thought about marriage counseling, but my husband is against it. He had some bad experiences when he was younger and his mother died. I guess his dad made him go to counseling and he didn't really get much out of it. I can't really see the point in going to counseling if he's resistant to it.

We could definitely use better methods in communicating. :) That seems like a no-brainer, doesn't it?! Honestly, for the most part, we do pretty well, but these past couple of months have been pretty rough.

It's really hard to hear an outsiders opinion/assessment of our relationship, especially when it's not 100% positive. I find myself getting defensive, thinking "well, it's not EXACTLY like that..." :) I know that I have some issues (gee, you think?) and I think I'll talk to DH about going to counseling.

Thank you for your post. It's good to get a professional (FREE!) :) opinion that I'm (fairly) normal.

Candy
Mom to Matt, 5/22/02

nitaghei
04-03-2003, 01:13 PM
Candy,
I am so sorry- you really are having a rough time. Counselling sounds like a great idea. It could help you, even if you went by yourself, if your husband resists the idea. Just speaking from my own experience - I found it very helpful. And , after a while, DH joined in (we were trying to cope with multiple stressors, including my chronic illness, which was really hard on him).

Good luck - and hope things improve.

Nita

Rachels
04-03-2003, 03:06 PM
I'm sorry! I don't mean to hurt your feelings. I think that life is hard, and that there are times when we can all use extra support. This sounds like one of those times. I've been there myself. We all need help sometimes, and that's normal, too. I definitely didn't mean to suggest that there's any shame in that. It's not meant to be a negative appraisal-- just a suggestion that when your life is under such strain, it's worth considering letting somebody help you bear the weight of your burdens and even figure out how to lighten them.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

candybomiller
04-03-2003, 05:39 PM
Oh, Rachel, I didn't take it negatively! Well, kind of, but as my mom would say, "sometimes honesty hurts." My feelings weren't hurt. It's stuff that I need to hear, and I thank you for telling me what you think. Please don't take my reply the wrong way! I really appreciate what you said and the fact that you took the time to reply at all.

Candy
Mom to Matt, 5/22/02

Edited to spell correctly. Oy!

dogmom
04-06-2003, 12:37 PM
Candy,

I've had friends who have gone to support grief support groups and found them very helpful. They usually go in addition to private counseling and continue in the support group long after counseling ends. They find it helpful because the grief goes on for years, although it changes at time goes by. They find it helpful to be with others who realize you just don't "get over it." I met a mother/daughter pair once who talked on the phone several times a day and were very close like you and your mom. When her mom died she was just lost. She found a support group which helped her a lot. One older gentleman who had lost his wife decided to "adopt" her. He called her ever night before she went to bed, because she had missed the phone calls from her mom so much. She said it didn't replace her mom, but it did help her get through the day.

If you are interested a local hospital's social work department usually has a list. Many of them are hosted by churches, so you can call around places of worship in your area.

Jeanne

Annette_C
04-06-2003, 10:18 PM
Candy,
I just saw this post and wanted to say that I'm sorry about your tragic loss and what you're going through.
Like others have said, no one can blame you for feeling sad and missing your mom. The scars from a sudden loss of a dear one take a long time to heal....it did for me.
I lost my first husband suddenly (he was a healthy and strong man,)six years ago. I watched him die in front of my eyes and felt so helpless...I was always the one to "solve" all the problems in our home/family and he trusted me. Although it wasn't my fault, I felt I let him down because I couldn't help him nor save him. I lost him in a matter of ten hours...that's how quick it was.
The first year I spent it being in denial. I kept thinking he was away for a while and would eventually come back. I kept all his clothes, shoes, even his wallet just like he left it.
The second, I had to face the truth and was having nightmares, etc.
The third, I began to heal and after that, it got a little better and better every year.
The pain gets better but you never forget. And that's a good thing because we want to cherish the moments we had together with our loved ones who passed on so that they can continue to live forever in our hearts.
I'm sorry about my long reply....I just wanted you to know that I understand and feel for you.
You're in my thoughts and prayers,

Annette
SAHM to Sabrina 6/24/02