Unexpected visit

[newbelly2002]

Starting May 18, I think I'm going to be spending a LOT of time in this forum. My in-laws--grandmother, brother, mother and father--are coming to visit then. I love grandmother and brother; they are both interesting and unique people. But they do take a lot of energy. I already am prepared for the fact that I will be getting none of my own work done during that week. My BIL will be staying with us and my grandmother-in-law around the corner at a local hotel. My MIL and FIL recently decided to barge in on the visit because they didn't like the idea of the others getting time with teh babe.

They first TOLD us they were staying for 2 weeks. We said that wouldn't work because we had too much work to do. We just got back an email that said: "I don't see what the big deal is, it's a total of 10 days and we'll be sleeping for the first one anyway. What's the problem?"

I can't imagine the nerve of coming to visit someone and demanding both their time and energy and dates. Ugh. I get so riled up just thinking about it. They have the best of intentions but are very...agressive.

A little pre-venting before the real thing. Carry on. Maybe I can send them to electrotherapy in my stead?

Paula, Mama to Dante 8/1/02
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b33a3c3de467

[jojo2324]

Paula, you are too funny!

Well, look at the bright side. Without IL's, would there be as many funny stories in the world?

Have you gone back for more electrotherapy yet?

[brubeck]

When my husband and I got married we agreed that NO ONE would ever stay with us for more than a week. I deal with it when my family comes and he deals with it when his family comes. We made a pact and we stick with it.

Why a week? Well it just seems that any more than that and you resent that your house is no longer your own. The guests get in your way and on your nerves and everyone snaps at each other.

Can you and your husband make a similar quickie pact? :-)

[mamahill]

Oh Paula, I am so sorry! Perhaps you'll "come down with something" and need to stay home while everyone goes out somewhere? Here's hoping the days go by quickly, and that their jet lag is bad enough they sleep for TWO days :).

[Marisa6826]

No suggestions here...can you borrow a cat with fleas? :)

Chin up and start hoarding those valium!

-m

[egoldber]

If valium isn't readily available, I find that lots of alcohol at every meal (at least lunch and dinner) always makes for a MUCH more pleasant in-law visit!

[jojo2324]

BETH!! I would never expect that sort of statement from you! :D

LOL, I need a glass of wine to manage a meal with my mother. She is a chef and feels the need to criticize every last detail of every meal. TO the the staff!! So embarrassing! And you don't even want to know what she does when we go shopping...Outright telling people they look bad in something.

Paula, I think the flea-infested cat sounds like a good idea. If you want, I can package up some of the Linda Blair issues the fam had this past weekend...:D

[egoldber]

LOL! Joanne! I'm not quite sure how to take that! ;) :)

When we went to France for two weeks with my ILs last year, I was extremely grateful for the Gallic custom of alcohol with every meal. (I did abstain at breakfast, although I was tempted a few times!) And the fact that my MIL was scandalized at my having wine with lunch only made the fruit of the vine all the more sweet...

[jojo2324]

Aaah, you gotta love the mimosas!! Not a bloody mary girl myself...And I love that you got twice the "effect" from your drink...:D

[kathsmom]

You ladies absolutely kill me! I am rolling on the floor laughing! I have no interesting in-law stories. I like all of mine! My FIL will be 82 in October, so all he does when he visits is to sit in front of the TV watching CSPAN. My poor DD hates that!

Paula, I like the Linda Blair stuff that Joanne is willing to package and send to you. The flea infested cat sounds good too. Even though I don't drink (maybe a glass of wine at a wedding), I might be tempted to do what Beth did in France when your in-laws come to visit.

Seriously, I hope that things go OK for you on the visit with them.

Take care!

Toni - mom to Katherine (5/19/96) and Andrew (9/23/02)

[newbelly2002]

Do you think it's inappropriate to drink bourbon with breakfast, lunch and dinner? Maybe I'll skip breakfast, to be cautious. I can call it research (for my book).

The saga continues with the IL now threatening to come to Berlin whether we say yay or nay. The last conversation ended with "you can't stop us." Shoot, missed the Wall by about 10 years, otherwise I might have had a chance. The total lack of respect is unfathomable to me.

Fleas sound good, but I don't think it would deter them. Maybe pirannhas? Or some of those snapping turtles Neve found on the road. Hmmm......

Paula, Mama to Dante 8/1/02
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b33a3c3de467

[kathsmom]

Paula,

I have a tiny piece of the Berlin wall. I could try to find it to send you. You could tell them that they are going to rebuild the wall and everyone in the world who has a piece is planning on sending the pieces back to the German government. You could say that the German government has decided that this united Germany thing just wasn't working out and that they want to go back to the way things were in the old days.

As far as the bourbon for breakfast, if you feel uncomfortable drinking it at breakfast in front of them, put it in your mouthwash bottle. If they say anything, just tell them it's the old fahsion gold colored Listerine and that's all you could find at the store. (Bourbon is gold colored isn't it?)

Or Dante could suddenly come down with some contagious childhood disease - mumps, measles, or chickenpox?

I'll try to think of some other things that might deter them from coming!!

Toni - mom to Katherine (5/19/96) and Andrew (9/23/02)

[nohomama]

Your inlaws sound like a piece of work. Tell them they're welcome to visit for two weeks and stay in a HOTEL. Who cares if they think it's rude. It seems like they wouldn't know rude if it bit them on the ass.

But really, there's no better time than the present to start establishing boundaries with friends and family. Boundaries are a sanity saver. It's easier to keep a couple of fingers of bourbon in a low ball, but in the long run boundaries are healthier and more effective. Though I have nothing against a good stiff drink. Sometimes it's just what the therapist ordered.

[lvp49]

I went through a similar dilemma with my ILs. They seemed to think that once we had our big house they could come and stay whenever they liked. My MIL came once for THREE weeks, and get this, DH neglected to speak to me about it befor he gave her the OK!!! This was before children, ( about three years ago) but when I think about it, I still get so angree that I'm nauseous. If they liked it here so much, why did they move??
We did eventually set some boundaries with them, and it is the best thing we did for our marriage, but the visits are still very stressful. Every time they are here there is some family international incident. I try to keep out of it as much as I can, work a lot, and count down the hours.

PLEASE put your foot down. You will be glad you did.

[newbelly2002]

Couple of fingers, I was thinking more like two fists? But, sigh, that's probably not so good for the babe, so boundries it is. We're trying. We keep saying 7 days and they seem to think it's up for debate. They are staying in a hotel, but they will be over here for all meals, playing with Dante, concerts, etc. Last time they watched Dante while Steve and I went to the movies (it was the first time we had left Dante with anyone), I told them I would call halfway through the movie to make sure all was okay. I tried 4 times but the line was busy. I couldn't enjoy the movie because I was starting to get nervous. I never got through, but when we finally got home their was my FIL on the computer. Me: the phone was busy, was everything all right? Him: oh yes, you probably coudln't get through because I was tying up the phoneline.

Uh oh, DH is on the phone with them and it sounds like he just caved. Got to go run damage control.

Paula, Mama to Dante 8/1/02
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b33a3c3de467

[newbelly2002]

And the saga continues.

MIL told DH that she wants a longer visit with Dante as a birthday present for FIL. He is, she said, generally unhappy with life, except when it comes to Dante. I found this completely out of line. We haven't given an answer yet, but what cold-hearted person could say "no" to that? I'm floored at the guilt "end run" she did around our honest request for boundries, and so angry I could just spit.

Mama to Dante 8/1/02
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b33a3c3de467

[lvp49]

I feel for you. My MIL did the exact same thing last month. She wanted a plane ticket for her birthday from her DH, and he bought it for her. Probably so she would shut up. But, just like that, they were coming. They had just been here the month before!!! I think she wanted to get one last visit in here before I stopped working. Open access to DD when I'm not around. Other than that, she treats this place like a B&B. When I'm here she is not. She gives new meaning to passive aggessive.

I'm begging you again, do not give in to this manipulation. It will come back to bite you in the you know what!!

[MartiesMom2B]

Paula:

Remember how I said that I was going to go live in Europe to avoid MIL, well you've really convinced that that's not the way to go. I really feel for you. My MIL would be the same way, in fact she's informed us that she would see us more often now that we were with child. If it wasn't for the fact that I see how much my nephews lover her and that I read that kids love spending time with their grandparents (despite how senile they are) I'd try to put my foot down harder.

Alcohol and drug comments are great suggestions. I actually have a friend who takes valium and used to offer it to me whenever I had to travel to dreaded NJ to visit her (no offense to those who live in the Garden State).

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03
http://www.mcdyer.com/MartieSurasky.htm

P.S. When I read the above comment at the Berlin wall I was picturing you taking a piece of that Berlin wall and chucking it at them.

[zen_bliss]

omigod, what a bunch of tales. chilling. why do people not understand it is your time to bond and adjust as a family, and they should first ASK and then stay at a friggin' hotel if they visit at all? right now i am lighting candles in thanks that i have escaped an IL convergence due to MIL's bizarre concatenation of OCD and general view that everybody's incompetent to begin with. she is convinced that with the cuts at the airlines, "nobody is doing their job" and she won't fly. ditto trains. maybe you can subtly invent some travel urban myths and slide them into conversation... someone else mentioned misdirected hysteria about SARS....