My mother and my mother-in-law are insane!

[farsk]

I know I can't be the only one out there with people who have COMPLETELY lost their minds surrounding them! First for my mother...she claims that everything I want for our baby (our first, edd 7/28/03!) is a luxury and that nothing that she could buy would possibly be good enough. At this point I must mention that she is upper-middle class, self-made. For instance, she bitched when I didn't want to order my crib from JC Penny or get one from Wal-Mart. BTW, DH and I paid for all nursery furniture ourselves, so we got what we wanted...a Morigeau Lepine convertible crib for $558 and a College Woodworks dresser for $400. When I suggested that if she wanted to purchase something for the baby, she could purchase the bedding out of PBK ($187 total), she replied that she would not buy anything for a child from Pottery Barn. UGG!!
Now to my mother-in-law...DH and I had planned a trip to Scotland over a year ago (baby was a surprise), and we leave in 18 short days!yay! OB is very supportive and says to go and have a good time! When i mentioned this to MIL, she looked at me with "shock and awe" that they were still "letting" me go. She even went so far to ask if my OB knew I was pregnant! Then she said..."don't you think you'll catch SARS?...to which I replied..."no, we aren't going anywhere near Asia"...."but you know they have it in Toronto and in Florida"...."yes, but we aren't going anywhere near there, either". Then she made the oddest comment after asking how much time DH would be taking off after the baby was born. She remarked that I would need someone around to help after baby was born and that she had rather come to our home to help than us move in with her. AS IF! I have no idea where she came up with that as we are both gainfully employed, financially secure, able to afford the things we want...not to mention that I have 12 weeks paid leave.

Am I being too sensitive? Are any of you out there experiencing this? Sorry this was so long. Please respond....I would hate to think I'm the only one!haha!
-Shannon

[brubeck]

You are not being too sensitive. It is your baby and you have every right to buy whatever you want for it. Your mother and MIL also have the right to purchase whatever gifts they want. If your mother doesn't want to buy the PBK bedding, perhaps she would rather buy the Diaper Genie, Baby Bjorn, stroller, or some other item. If she can't agree with anything you want then she can buy you some diapers or wipes or clothing.

You MIL seems to be sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong even more! You can certainly take a trip if your OB says it's okay (FYI I took a Northern European cruise from Holland to Russia when I was 5 months pregnant with my first.) and obviously your doctor would be the first to warn you of any SARS risk.

As for her coming to stay and 'help' when the baby is born: if you don't want her 'help' now is the time to nip it in the bud. You don't want to be fighting this battle when you are sleepdeprived and trying to recover from the birth!

Whew! Sorry I was so vehement there, I have a pushy MIL myself so I am sensitive to this kind of thing!

[gravymommy3]

Shannon,

You are not alone. I remember when my mother had a fit that I spent $150 or so on a glider rocker. I mean, god bless her soul, she went and bought us gifts like a picture frame with dinosaurs on it (and the dinos had horns broken off - she got them off the bargain shelf) and we knew we were having a girl. Just craziness like that. And my MIL kept threatening to move in with us. Again, AS IF! Just learn to bit your tongue, smile and nod, say "um hum" and then vent to whomever you can.

Have fun on your trip!

[Andrea S]

My MIL said we were spending too much on furniture. First of all we did not ask them for money and never have so it was none of her business how much we spend. I was so mad at her and at DH for even telling her. Then she kept making smart remarks on all the clothes I had and most of them were gifts. My mom had the attitude that this was my first baby and I should be able to spend whatever I wanted.

Andrea
mom to Andrew 8/14/02

[mcmorfit]

Shannon,

I love Scotland - have a blast!

Now onto the "Mothers". You are not being sensitive, this is your first baby and you and DH want things a certain way, there is nothing wrong with that. However, it sounds like the "Mothers" also want things a certain way - that is where the buck stops. Nip it before it starts - so for example, say, "that is a very genouus offer to move in with us (AS TOTALLY IF), that won't be necessary, but what I would like you to do is ....." For me it was cooking, cleaning and grocery shopping.

My MIL is the oppostite as far as wanting to buy EVERYTHING for DD. Before she was born she would call and ask, "do you want a new dresser for the baby?" "do you want me to pay for a diaper service?" All of which I said NO, then she would call DH and ask the same thing - talk about working the system! Now that DD has arrived, she sends bi-weekly presents, which is all very nice, but we really don't need them. So now I need to stop that and try to rephrase it so that it is, "ya know, it was so nice to send the zcy, but what we really need is . . ." Man, the fun never stops. I just yesterday got a package that said "Happy Mothers Day to the Mother of our Grandchild", needless to say it was all beach stuff for DD so we can bring her to the their beach house. Again, it was nice, but can you say narcissism and Rosemary's Baby in one sentence? I can and it scares me.

My mom is crazy, but in a fun crazy way. When she visited like around week 2 when bfing was a challenge, she was always pushing a beer, "it will help relax you dear."

So there you go - my MIL that wants to buy nicnacs galore for DD and my Mom who just wants me to have a beer!

Hang in there!

[bluej]

Uh, move in w/ your MIL? Was she being serious? Did she expect you to pack up the bassinet, changing table, swing, and a million other things and just move on in w/ her until you got the hang of it? Does she think you are completely incompetent?

Well my own mother is a tad bit insane. She is a cleaning freak. Not only does she like a clean house (don't we all), but she actually enjoys the process of cleaning it! Somehow, this gene did not get passed onto my sisters or myself. We try not to complain about it too much, b/c we really do benefit from it. She could just sit around and complain about how we don't clean enough, but instead she cleans for us. In the fall I was suffering from extreme morning sickness. Week after week she would ask if the housework was getting done. Uh yeah, b/w the vomitting, the diarrhea and the trembling, I'm getting tons of housework done. She was more concerned about the house falling apart than about how the kids were dealing w/ me being so sick or how they were being fed since I wouldn't allow any cooking to take place in the house. Apparently the thought that it had been several weeks since I had dusted had gotten to her, so she came here for a week and a half to clean my house and get me caught up on laundry (I live 4 1/2 hours from her). Recently, w/o even seeing my house she decided that she needed to come again to do spring cleaning for me. Great, no complaints here. So she came for another week and cleaned for me again. A couple of days before she left I had a Dr. appointment and was put on moderate bedrest. I told her that I thought it would just be until my next appointment and then I'd be taken off, so she finished her visit and then left. She called after my next appointment and I told her that nothing had changed and I was still on moderate bedrest until I reach 37 weeks (a week and a half away at that point). She asked if she should come back and stay until after the baby is born. She plans on staying for a week after the baby is here. So if the baby came on his due date, at that point we were looking at a five week stay. My kids and DH would love it and I adore my mom, but having her clean around me for five weeks would be a bit much! I told her I think we could handle it, that DH has been carrying the laundry for me and I've been getting it all washed and DD has been doing the vacuuming and so on. At this point she had been gone a week and a half and she asked 'is she vacuuming the stairs?' Hmmm, no, I'll have her get right on that as soon as she gets home from school. Who cares if it's been 10 days since the stairs have been vacuumed? We don't wear shoes in the house and most of the time it's just DS and me in the house. It's not like they get walked on that much! I'm sure it will be another 10 days before they get vacuumed again. It's not really that big of a concern to me, but I can tell it's on my mother's mind! Every week it's the same thing. First thing she asks is 'what did you do this week?' She is not asking what fun or interesting things I've done, she's asking what cleaning I've done. Since she can't just bop on over I can always lie to her and tell her a bunch of stuff I didn't actually do. My sisters don't have that option as they live 30 minutes from her. But then again, that means she comes and cleans their houses for them every week or so! It occurred to me last night that her OCD w/ cleaning just may become a serious problem at some point. I was on the phone w/ her and she commented that it was sunny and not windy there and that it was the perfect day for cleaning windows and so that was what my dad was doing. I commented that I'm sure that's just what he wanted to do after working all day. She then said that it was going to be windy on Saturday so it didn't work for him to do it on Saturday. I said yeah, it's probably not a good idea to be on a ladder on a windy day. She then commented that if it's windy out, it leaves streaks on the windows. I said, sure, but it's also not a good idea to be on a ladder on a windy day. We went back and forth on this a couple of times before she realized that one should be more concerned w/ one's safety of being on a ladder on a windy day than the streaks it may leave on the window! I swear if wind made for cleaner windows she would have my dad out there on a ladder on a windy day cleaning those windows! And this is what she is like at the age of 53! What is it going to be like as she gets older and more stubborn? I'm not really complaining b/c I do appreciate all the work she does for my sisters and myself, however, I do worry about the tasks she's going to make my dad tackle when he's in his 70's! Maybe by then she'll be a tad bit senile and we can just tell her that he already washed all of the windows, cleaned the eaves and so on. So yes, I have a crazy mom, but she could be crazy in worse ways! Who was it that was looking for a good cleaning woman? I have one I can loan out to you!

Jen

[COElizabeth]

DH and I went to Edinburgh when I was pregnant and had a wonderful time. Just be careful if you climb Arthur's Seat. We decided it would be a nice, easy little hike but accidentally got off the main trail. I live in CO and am a reasonably experienced hiker, but I was crying when we somehow got ourselves onto this extremely steep slope where I was literally clinging with my hands to the dirt. We finally found our way to the top and saw the path we should have taken, a gently sloping trail with no hands required at all. The B&B owner told us that every year someone dies falling off the part where we had been. Yikes! So be careful, but have a wonderful time. BTW, I thought the tour of the royal yacht Brittania was really interesting and well done, if you are interested. Have fun!

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

[COElizabeth]

Oh, Jen, that is just hysterical! My sister spent a lot of time cleaning when she came to visit, too, and I later found an air freshener she must have bought!

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

[Melanie]

"She remarked that I would need someone around to help after baby was born and that she had rather come to our home to help than us move in with her. AS IF! I have no idea where she came up with that as we are both gainfully employed, financially secure, able to afford the things we want...not to mention that I have 12 weeks paid leave. "

I think that's a generational thing. When my mom had me, her mother pretty much asked the same thing b/c another friend had moved in with her mother after her baby was born so the grandmother could help.

BTW, 12 weeks is such a short time with a newborn! I'd leave yourself open to more b/c you never know what it's going to be like when they get here. Lucky you that it's all paid though!

[gravymommy3]

Jen,

Send your mother my way. My house would have her in therapy probably!! My mom liked a clean house but never enough to come over and clean mine! She did gripe at me for being a slob though...

Hang in there - hope you are feeling better!

[MartiesMom2B]

Shannon:

You are not the only one. If you look back through these boards and the lounge you'll see tons of stories about MILs.

Do what you want to do. If possible ignore them. When my MIL gives "advice" I think of my happy place and look out into space and nod "Uh huh". LOL!

I think we should gather up all of our stories into a book and the title should say "If you want to be a good MIL don't do the following. . ."

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03
http://www.mcdyer.com/MartieSurasky.htm

[farsk]

Hello Everyone!

Thanks so much for your hilarious posts. It has definately made me feel better. I knew I wasn't the only one...and it is comforting to know that the world is full of crazy people! I understand (or maybe I don't since it's our first!) that raising a newborn will be difficult, but my husband and I are reasonably intelligent people and aren't afraid of making non-lethal mistakes!haha! Anyway, my cousin-in-law, who has just had her first, and I were also thinking of writing a book titled, "How to Make Pregnant Women Crazy" and on the dedication page, write, "for our mothers and mother-in-laws, without whos inspiration this book would not have been possible."HA!

Thanks again for the much needed comic relief!
-Shannon

[brubeck]

An Shannon, just remember, if you make a mistake the baby isn't going to tell. It's just a little secret between the two of you!

[millerpjm]

About your mother....

If she thinks you are spending too much on your baby, so be it. You get what you will be happy with. If she wants to get something for the baby, maybe send her out clothes shopping. Clothes can be a good way for her to spend whatever she wants. Suggest bargain hunting at an outlet store for good baby clothing brands (personally, I am a Carter's clothing addict-nothing too fancy, but darling!)

About your mother-in-law....

The only approval you really need to fly (in my opinion) is your OB/GYN. I had to fly cross country at 6 1/2 months for a funeral. I had to be there. There was no way I was going to miss it because I was pregnant. My OB/GYN was not concerned. Just make sure you are comfortable.
About you moving in with her.. that is the DUMBEST thing I have ever heard. Tell her you need to get used to having the baby in your surroundings not hers! Having a new baby at home is hard enough. Having to care for one in someone else's home, where you do not have all the "conveniences" you've spent months working on ( changing table arranged with all the stuff you need, rocking chair or another comfy place to feed baby, etc.). I would not want to be stumbling over someone else's furniture in the middle of the night. Truthfully, you really only want someone to stay with you after the birth if they know you need learn to be with your baby. Someone who will do the dishes, meals, laundry, etc. and leave the baby care to you (unless you ask them to help with the baby). If you are financially secure, tell her you are hiring a doula or mother's helper for a few days to help out after the birth, but she could bring over dinner one night:)

Mothers and Mothers-in-law can be insane... actually lots of people can go a little crazy when a baby is coming. Stick to your guns... remember, you will be the mom who's opinion counts with the baby.

Congrats and enjoy your trip!

[farsk]

Hello again everyone!

I just wanted to let you know that our 10 day trip to Scotland was WONDERFUL! Absolutely no trouble whatsoever (except for my plodding along!) I even climbed the Wallace Monument (264 steps to the top after climbing a 1/4 mile walkway with a 20% incline) Yay! Now that we're back, we only have 8 weeks to go (scary) and we will be spending the weekend getting her nursery together! Thanks for your support! I love these boards!

-Shannon
Mom to Ellen (edd 7/28/03)

[MartiesMom2B]

Shannon:

Sounds wonderful. I'm jealous!!

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03
http://www.mcdyer.com/MartieSurasky.htm