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View Full Version : Going crazy trying to compete!!!!!



millerpjm
05-10-2003, 07:08 AM
This isn't really about baby products, but I need to rant and rave... please forgive me.

I have a darling 3 month old son... my first. He's wonderful... good baby, almost sleeping through the night (from 9-10 at night to 4:30-6 am most days) and he's adorable. He's the first grandbaby for my mom and my husband's parents. The problem? My sister-in-law's baby (DH's older sister) who is just 2 weeks younger than mine. I feel like the two babies will be compared to each other constantly and for the rest of their lives! She's breastfeeding, I'm bottlefeeding. When her baby started smiling, they were all excited- I couldn't really say, "Well mine's been doing that for 3 weeks now" without sounding like I am wanting attention and praise for my baby. Not only that, but they definitely have more money than we do (money for better car seats, cuter clothes, better toys, etc... you get the idea). I am trying to get past this... I need to learn to accept the situation, but I am having a very hard time. DH has been living in his sister's shadow all his life and even though our baby was the "first" grandbaby, it seems like we will both still feel inadequate and left behind. Any suggestions? I do not want my son to pick up on these feelings ever.

Momof3Labs
05-10-2003, 10:18 AM
Our two next door neighbors have baby boys also, and all three boys are within a month of each other. So we are concerned about the comparisons, also! (No, they have already started - our one neighbor is terrible about these things!)

But instead of turning everything into a competition, DH and I are trying to take the position that all of the boys are unique and that they are all special in their own way. One boy is big - 95th percentile for weight and height, and Colin is long and skinny - 95th percentile for height and 10th percentile for weight. Our neighbor makes comments about putting weight on Colin, we just smile and respond by saying that Connor will be the star of the football team and Colin will be the star of the basketball team!

In your situation, I think that everyone should fuss when the other baby smiles! Just like they fussed (I hope) when your baby smiled. And instead of saying "well, he's been doing it for three weeks", say "oh, don't those baby smiles just warm your heart?" Then you are sharing in the joy of the experience rather than competing. Same thing for other milestones - and with the closeness in age, sometimes their baby will do something first, and sometimes yours will. I bet that if you and your DH take a different attitude - sharing the experience rather than competing - then his family will start to pick up on that and come around in their attitudes (if they don't feel like you are competing, maybe they won't feel the need to compete back). Plus, by the time your son can pick up on your attitude, you will have a good, healthy one in place and that will more than make up for any problems with your DH's family.

What's the saying - you can't always change other people, but you can change the way that you react to them? That seems to apply here!

Good luck!

mama2be
05-10-2003, 01:56 PM
Lori I think that is the greatest advice!!!

I have a friend who drives around and always seems to compare everyone and notice what everyone buys etc...I alwyas tell her (and this might sound morbid) but you truely can not be compared to anyone else until we are gone...it is only then the whole picture is painted and one can even barely attempt to compare...

I mean the one with a trillion dollar home and a trillion dollar income could lose it tomorrow. The one with the greatest marriage could lose it tomorrow if not to divorce than death . The one with the smartest child might be a uni bomber...I mean we really don't know. I have so trained my DH (hate to use the word trained) that you can't tell a book by it's cover and sure that guy might have a lot of "toys" that you don't but you never know what could happen to him...or even us tomorrow...

When I was single and dating I never looked at the YOUNG good looking guy in the nice car beside me as "having money" I swear I always looked at him as being in debt...

I know this is differnt than comparing babies but it still deals with comparing and might be a good way for your DH to reslove the thing with his sibling. I know it's easier said than done though...

Heads up it sounds like you all are doing an awesome job...
And I so love LOri's advice Celebrate, celebrate, celebrate each baby and event.

It really occured to me last night that when people can't wait for the first steps, first words etc...it is not because they want to say "what a genius" I really think it is the excitment of that it is just that the FIRST words...the FIRST step...

You all taught me our children will not show up in college not speaking, not walking, with paci in mouth...some of the best advice I got here!!!


UGHHH Back to yard work...took my 15 minute break :)...

flagger
05-10-2003, 03:27 PM
Congratulations on having a healthy darling 3 month old son! One thing to remember is that spit-up on Prada is just the same as spit-up on Walmart branded clothes. If you can afford Baby Gap and Osh Kosh, more power to ya, but when a child is growing at light speed $80 Weebok shoes don't make a lot of sense at least not to me.

Remember to cherish the joys and successes of your baby and theirs. Maybe their baby doesn't sleep as long as yours, or they have been dealing with incredible bouts of colic. One really doesn't know what goes on behind closed doors.

I am currently re-reading Paul Reiser's book Babyhood. There was a passage in the book that I wanted to share. Hopefully you can share this passage with your SIL and just for a moment you can both concentrate on the important stuff:

"I'll never forget the day I got the first real, genuine laugh out of my son. I don't remember anything in my life feeling that good. It was so intoxicating and heartwarming that I'd like to have that laugh bottled and put into an I.V. that drips into me endlessly...

...it happened, - the monumental and glorious breakthrough. I coaxed from my son a sustained laugh, saw it and heard it with my own eyes and ears, and - I just wanted to dive in and spend my entire lifetime in the fluffy cloud of that moment."

sbaker
05-10-2003, 09:32 PM
I can SO identify with you! My husband's younger sister has a son that's 10 weeks younger than our son. My MIL is always comparing them. When she's done comparing them she compares her daughter and me. It drives me nuts!!!!
Right now my MIL is critical of DS because he's 15 months old and not walking all on his own. He will walk holding onto the tip of my pinky, though. Our pediatrician says it's okay. That's it's just a self confidence thing. On the other hand her perfect grandson who is almost 13 months old isn't even CRAWLING!!! According to her that's okay - he's "just a little lazy." ARRGGHH!
Okay I'm done venting for the moment. Thanks...
I don't have any wonderful words of advice. I am still trying to find a way to deal with it myself. I just thought you might like to know that you're not alone.


Just my two cents...
:) :+ :)
Sara
SAHM to Rayce
02/09/02

C99
05-11-2003, 04:10 PM
Nate's cousin is 3 weeks older than he is. When we were pregnant, my SIL and my EDDs were 6 weeks apart. Granted, my niece is my B&SIL's second child and Nate is the first grandson, so, like Lori, we emphasize the uniqueness of their births and personalities. We told my ILs that we didn't want to hear any comparisons of the babies -- who did what first, who's bigger, etc. -- and we made a pact with my B&SIL not to compare them either. So far, it's worked (although my MIL tends to tell me what our 4-year-old niece was doing at the same age). My B&SIL and my husband & I have been nothing but supportive to each other.

Incidentally, I was the first grandbaby on my dad's side, but my uncle and his wife adopted a baby boy like a month after I was born. My dad was in the military, so we lived far away from my grandparents. My uncle and his wife lived close to my grandparents, so my grandparents met their adopted grandchild before they met me. My mother still feels slighted by this. And my grandparents and uncle played the "who's kid is better/smarter/cuter/more popular" game all our lives. It's not surprising then, that I have no r/ship with my cousin or his sister.

My experience w/ my cousin is partially why I'm determined not to repeat it with my B&SIL and their kids. And I hope that you can step back from the competition w/ your SIL and enjoy your niece or nephew as well as your son. :)

newbelly2002
05-12-2003, 03:11 AM
contacted her for Mother's Day. To date none of her other grandchildren have contacted her."

Mind you, each of these "grandchildren" (DH's father has 5 siblings who have always been *extremely* competitive with each other) are now between 25-45 years old. Nice to see that the competition doesn't stop with babyhood.

Grr.....

If you can avoid the competitions, please do. As everyone has said it is neither healthy for the baby nor for you. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Celebrate the strengths, and help your baby work on the weaknesses to make h/her the best that h/she can be--not just "better" (quicker/faster/taller/slimmer) than the baby next door.

Paula, Mama to Dante 8/1/02
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b339c8d20516