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carolcarpenter
06-04-2003, 08:00 PM
This is something that has been driving me crazy throughout my pregnancy (I'm due in 2 weeks!!!): while I have pretty much gotten nothing but positive attention and comments from friends and even strangers like "Oh you will love motherhood," "You look great," "Enjoy every minute" etc. my DH gets only comments such as:

"I guess you won't be able to do (HOBBY) anymore."
"The two of you won't be able to (EAT OUT/SEE A MOVIE/TAKE A VACATION) for a long time."
"Have you been dragged to the baby store yet?"
"Your life is going to come to a screeching halt."
"Oh boy, you won't get any sleep for weeks."
"In the labor room, don't look down--focus on your wife's head."
"Don't get jealous of the baby--your wife will be obsessed with her 'new toy'."(yes, they actually used the phrase "new toy")
"You have no idea what you're in for."

OK, granted most of this is said in a joking, friendly way, and by other men (both parents and non-parents), and there is some truth to it, but it just riles me how he is getting nothing but negative messages about being a father.

DH relates these to me with amusement so I know he takes them with a grain of salt (he got similar messages before we got married--they even draped his office in black crepe paper and black balloons), and he is very excited to become a dad, but I wonder if these messages are sinking in subconsiously and later he will feel some resentment about cutting back on some of his activities.

Anyway, I think it's interesting how things have not changed much culturally...

Ryansmom
06-04-2003, 08:28 PM
It's probably a guy thing - guys don't know what to say to eachother. They don't want to sound un-manly. :)

DH and I both recieved far too many negatives. When we did recieve positive comments, we profusely thanked the giver(s) and focused on the positive aspects of new parenthood. We viewed our pregnancy as very positive. Now that we are parents, we still focus on the positive. Of course there are challenges - but every challenge is erased when our DS smiles, holds up his arms to be picked up, looks proud at his accomplishments, the list goes on and on. Perhaps if more of us focused on the positives, we can change our culture.


To both of you - enjoy every minute!!

blissful mom
06-05-2003, 08:54 AM
Carole,
I got the exact same thing from DH's friends (only one of whom has children, and he never sees his kids!). Your husband is taking it well, being positive, and that's what counts. My dh did finally end up telling one friend off, after he told dh that I was going to make his life a living hell (when we first announced our pregnancy). The same friend would grill me every time dh left the room about what I was going to do for work after the birth, etc. and lecture me about how much babies cost.

I think men tend to be a bit more negative, because society expects them to be. After all, they've been told since they hit puberty that biology has not predisposed them to monogamy or caring for progeny. Whether that's true or not, it's given them a perfect out. Your husband is going to adore your baby and adore you for all your hard work in pregnancy and labour. Just be sure to praise him a lot as a father and really include him, so you remain his ally and not his jacka** friends and family.

Good luck, enjoy your last few weeks! We're due around the same time, then! Let's compare notes afterwards.

Donna

brubeck
06-05-2003, 04:35 PM
When I was pregnant with my first child DH would tell people and they wouldn't know what to say. One person even asked him if it was an accident. Of course it was not, both our kids were very well planned!

I did discover that part of the reaction was in how DH gave the news. He would say to people, "Helen's pregnant." which I guess implied less involvement on his part as compared to something like, "We're going to have a baby." or, "I'm going to be a father.". Still, some people really do have a lot of nerve!

flagger
06-05-2003, 05:03 PM
Ok here are a few things for your DH.

There is nothing preventing me from doing my Hobby but me. At this point, I don't want to spend anytime away from my DD.

Hmm. We three went out to eat today for lunch with no problem. At three days old we left Cocoa with our friend as we went shopping for an hour. You would be amazed at the amount of people you can trust that will watch your child.

I drag Ms. Flagger to the Baby store most of the time.

Part of my life did in fact come to a screeching halt. That part is true. However, another new part of my life has lurched forward with amazing speed. I cannot believe we brought our DD home just seven days ago.

We actually are sleeping quite well. There have been a couple of rough nights, but last night DD slept for a five hour stretch. Quite frankly I am not lactating, so there is only so much I can do.

In the labor room, I saw it all. I had wanted to only be at Ms. Flagger's head but because of where I held her legs I ended up seeing the "southern view". However in the moment it is really no big deal. Sex really was the furthest thing from my mind. That "area" will return to recreation status soon enough.

It is funny Ms. Flagger and I almost fight on who gets to hold her more. Sometimes I think she is jealous of me.

I truly had no idea of the wave of emotion I would feel after coming home with the baby. I had researched about to expect for months to the point of wanting to do a book burning during the waning moments of the pregnancy. However, as a couple we truly feel we were prepared for this, just not all of it. Life would be pretty damn boring if we knew what to expect day in and day out.

But that is JMHO.

Hope that helps.

Vajrastorm
06-05-2003, 06:44 PM
I benefited from some of things my husband's friends "warned" him about - my guy fully expects me to act like a crazy lunatic so I can get away with a lot ;)

I'm half kidding here, but it was nice that he came prepared for the mood swings. Once in a while he'll sigh and seem worn out by it all, but he has been an absolute dear about being helpful and understanding. I take way too much advantadge of his willingness, I fear. (Its hard to do it yourself when someone else is always willing to get you that glass of water, etc.)

The friends who are also father always gave the good with the bad, though. They'd point out the tiredness, but then absolutely rave about how much they love their kid(s), how special it all is, etc. Even the more macho ones are totally in love with their kids.

Subconscious thoughts or not, when he meets that baby he will be head over heels.

carolcarpenter
06-05-2003, 09:30 PM
Thanks everyone! I know that DH will not be affected by these comments. I think a lot of it is that men don't know how to really talk to each other about fatherhood--and also I realized that yes, I think he does introduce the topic by saying "My wife is pregnant" rather than "I'm going to be a father!" I bet that has a lot to do with it. Thanks for letting me vent!