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View Full Version : Just let me vent about this stupid wedding that I'm in. . .



MartiesMom2B
06-05-2003, 01:34 PM
OK I know that when I was a bride I didn't know anything about being a Mom. My SIL brought my 4 month old nephew to mine and I didn't complain and I was very accomodating. At least I think I was.

So I'm in my college roommate's wedding 4th of July wedding in Atlanta. I tried to get out of it last winter when she A) Didn't have a definitive date B) Hadn't picked out a dress yet (I was 5 months preggers at the time). I told her I couldn't afford it with the baby and me staying at home (I figured that she'd understand b/c she backed out of my wedding due to wedding costs and I had NO problem with that). So she said that she really wanted me in the wedding and would let me stay at her house and pay for the dress, and I agreed. Well now I have to come up with a hotel. Hotels are not cheap in Atlanta! This sucks all the way around.

The dress is huge on me. I might as well have bought it with all the alteration costs. It's a halter top so my whole top will be exposed if we do nurse at the reception (I'm bringing my pashmina shawl with me).

We have to drive 6 hours with a nursing baby and then she wants me to hang out w/ her in the hair salon the day of her wedding. I tried to explain to her very nicely that if I was to stay all day away from the baby that my boobs would explode and that I would like to spend all morning with my family so that I could concentrate on her during her wedding and not have to worry about pictures, etc.

When I said yes that I'd be in her wedding, Martie wasn't even a twinkle in my eye and I was fully employed. Whhhyyy did I say yes. Why can't she be more female friendly have have other girlfriends. Why didn't she just elope.

ARRRGH. Thanks for letting me vent. Now to break the bad news to DH.


Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03
http://www.mcdyer.com/MartieSurasky.htm

Marisa6826
06-05-2003, 01:49 PM
Sonia-

Sorry you're having such a tough time of it with this friend of yours. I think she may have more issues than just being Bridezilla - especially if she ducked your wedding and didn't take the hints you dropped.

I know that I was a "bit" highstrung the days before my wedding, but I would just be honest with her.

Did she make any group rate plans for other wedding guests at area hotels? It's a really tough weekend to find and try something cheap. If she's a true friend, she would understand that what you will end up paying for the lodging will be your gift to her. I don't think there's any other way around it...

Realistically, if I was in your situation, I would explain that as much I would like to spend time getting ready with her, it's simply not possible. Emphasize that you are really aiming to have an enjoyable time at the ceremony and reception (enjoyable for EVERYBODY involved) and that you can only do that if you're not obsessing over when Martie needs to be fed.

If push comes to shove, just do what you have to do. She will someday understand when she has a little one of her own.

I had a few issues with one of my bridesmaids. We didn't talk for about a year. Nothing was actually "said" between the two of us - everything was just kind of inferred. We are "back together" again and the fact that we didn't speak for a really long time has never come up (kind of odd, since we used to speak three or four times a week).

Keep us posted on what happens!

Hugs

-m

blissful mom
06-05-2003, 01:54 PM
Wow, Sonia, I'd file this one away under "of all the nerve". If she really wants you in her wedding, she's going to have to accomodate. I'd be very frank with her about it. Why did she back out of letting you crash at her place? Hotels ARE expensive in Atlanta.

When I married, my matron of honour had a 2 yo and a 5 yo. I understood that she had to take care of them, and couldn't be with me every single minute. It turned out fine. And you definitely need to be with your Martie.

Oy, the gall of some people! Good luck, Sonia, I hope you can work things out! Has she just never been around pregnant women or new mothers at all?

Let us know how it goes...

Rachels
06-05-2003, 03:00 PM
I agree. Your baby is your first priority. I think it's okay to say, "Listen, I want to do all that stuff, but I'm nursing. I have a baby. My life isn't the same as it was when I was childless, and I have to accommodate that. I'd appreciate your support."

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

brubeck
06-05-2003, 04:30 PM
I agree that she's being totally insensitive. She obviously has no idea of the demands of taking care of a baby, especially if you are nursing!

If you aren't too picky WHERE your hotel is in Atlanta, try Priceline. Say that you want a 3 star hotel (ie: a Hilton or Sheraton) and give a lowball price ($50?). You might get lucky. It's happened for me before. The only problem is that you get no say as to where it is in the city, and they charge your credit card the moment your bid gets accepted, so there's no backing out. But I have saved some serious money this way.

MartiesMom2B
06-05-2003, 06:07 PM
Well we've worked out our lodging. She's going to let us stay with her the night before the wedding and then we are going to leave the wedding early and drive to Columbia SC and stay with a good friend.

Thanks for your tips and your support. I'll let you know how the wedding goes after it all goes down. Hopefully she'll understand when I can't do everything she wants because I need to put Martie first.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03
http://www.mcdyer.com/MartieSurasky.htm

blissful mom
06-06-2003, 01:15 PM
Sonia, you rock!
You are being tactful and standing your ground. I am way impressed. I hope everything goes well. Weddings are so stressful on everyone involved. I'll be thinking of you as we bar-b-q this 4th! You sound like a wonderful mommy.

Donna

mama2be
06-07-2003, 03:54 PM
I hope I don't get blasted here (but I know you personally so feel like I can say this)...but I've read your post several times and i'm not seeing anywhere where it justifies a disagreement with the bride and am wondering if I missed soemthing. You do say she offered you her place to stay and that "now" you need to find lodging but I didn't notice what her explanation is for the change-I suspect that is what I am missing...

Also you metnioned that she wants you to hang out with her all day but that you explained nicely that your boobs would explode but you didn't go further to say she got mad or anything or didn't understand-so was that the case???.

My take is differnt than all of the other gal's here so please note this is just my 2 cents. Before I had children or even got on these boards I would have never ever known about boobs getting ready to explode etc...so I think a friendly (if she is truely a good friend) education on the subject would be nice to her and she would understand I am certain.

My Tristan means the universe to me but my friends mean the world to me and I cherish my friendships dearly I can't even express how dear my girlfirends are to me...to be in ones wedding is such a huge event and to celebrate and stand beside them is such an honor. NOW if one can not afford to do so I absolutely feel they should be honest and take on a differnt supporative role (but sounds like she has paid for your dress)...WE hope our friends get married once and I would do my best to help her. I am not saying go and get her hair done with her but I guess I suggest not to make any harsh comments and to tread lightly.

People don't forget coversations right before their wedding... and for some odd reasons weddings, babies and funerals seem to bring on a lot of broken relationships and it is so sad to see...

Just my 2 cents honey...take it as it is...but I would KINDLY break any news to her if you can't do it...and tread lightly weddings are big days :)!!! I say this assuming your firendship is a dear one...

MartiesMom2B
06-07-2003, 05:17 PM
Oh Neve, it's great to have a friend like you.

Everything I've said to her has been very polite. It's justthe way I am. I just had to vent my feelings to not get mad at her. This is my college roommate.

I think as I said before that I explained to her that I couldn't afford to be in her wedding when she told me when her date was due to me staying at home. I thought out of all my friends she would understand, due to the fact that she couldn't attend my wedding due to the cost of travel, dress, etc. When I explained this to her she stated that we could stay with her and she would pay for the dress therefore after talking to Mike I agreed that we could go. She recently asked me if we could get a hotel room b/c her and her husband are going to have a party at their house after the reception and have decided to not get a hotel. Which I can respect, but now this is another expense that I did not anticipate and the hotels that we looked up that are in her area of Atlanta are very expensive. Fortunately we can go over to Columbia the night of the wedding and she has asked me to keep her company and stay with her the night before the wedding (which I found out after I initially posted this). She still would like me to go to the salon at 9:00 in the morning and stay with her for her day. The reception is at 5:00. So when you factor in pictures I probably won't be able to get to Martie until 5:30. That's a lot of time to stay away from a baby when you are nursing. One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to leak all over. I'm trying to stand my ground and to stay with Martie as much as possible so I can give her all of my attention so she can have the best wedding during her actual wedding. I will be spending the whole day and night with her before the wedding date so I would think that she would be fine with me not spending the morning with her.

Sorry this is very long. But to summarize I am trying very carefully to tread lightly while keeping my family first. I'm sure when she becomes a mom she'll do the same. Thanks for your advice!!


Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03
http://www.mcdyer.com/MartieSurasky.htm

mama2be
06-07-2003, 06:49 PM
UHG (how do you spell UGH????)....

Sounds like she's not taking the hint doesn't it??? That is a hard place to be in...are other firends in the wedding mutual frineds where they can entertain her at the salon...

that does sound impossible to be doing that all day and then to be totally there for the wedding and reception...that is along day away from a baby that literally needs you for feeding. I think you need to educate her on the nursing thing and tell her your concerns.

It does sound like she adores you :)...did my seamstress help at all with the dress???

audreywindsor
06-10-2003, 02:50 AM
I would just suck it up and do what she wants you to do. I'm sorry to say that, and I realize it's not the most popular thing on this board to say. However, I had a couple of friends who "couldn't" make my wedding because of their babies, or "couldn't possibly" come to the shower or whatever, and even now, it bothers me. Yes, having a baby changes your life, but a wedding changes your life, too, and it's only one day. I would just deal with it for the sake of the friendship. At least one of those friends (who wouldn't fly to my wedding due to her pregnancy, even though she was well within what doctors say is okay to fly), I am no longer friends with. I flew 3000 miles to her shower as a student, 3000 more miles to her wedding (3 days before law school finals), and I was overwhelmed, and exhausted and FLAT broke, and frankly, I still think she is selfish. I don't think you sound selfish at all-- so don't take what I am saying that way-- but one's wedding day is unique, and is a very emotional time, and my feelings were so hurt by her not coming, that I just still cannot find it in myself to forgive her.

pritchettzoo
06-10-2003, 09:11 PM
First of all, who gets married in July in Atlanta? I live near Atlanta and it is MISERABLY HOT here on the 4th of July!

She would probably never forgive you if you backed out, but when she has a baby later on, she will finally realize what you did for her!

Also, have you tried hotwire.com for hotel rooms? My mom has used it for getaway weekends in Atlanta and has gotten a room at the Swisshotel in Buckhead for around $50. Of course, you aren't going to get prices like that in Buckhead for that price on the 4th because of the huge fireworks display they do in that area, but other areas of Atlanta should be pretty darn cheap.

MartiesMom2B
06-11-2003, 07:03 AM
Ha ha you my DH would love you. He gets hot very easily and is not happy about being in July in what he calls "the hottest day of the year". The wedding is actually in Peachtree City and seems like all of the good deals are on the other side of Atlanta and I know it takes a long time to get from one side to the other. And of course the prices are much higher for the holiday weekend. However we have made our plans to stay with friends. Thanks for the tip though.

I'm not backing out of the wedding. That would be too mean. I'm just going to try to stand my ground on being with DD before the wedding. Hope to find an air conditioned place for DH and DD to hang out while we are doing wedding stuff.

Thanks again.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03
http://www.mcdyer.com/MartieSurasky.htm

gravymommy3
06-11-2003, 10:49 AM
Sonia,

First off, Peachtree City is a very nice area. It is south of Atlanta and you should be able to find a hotel down there that is not too outrageous (hopefully.) And it will be hotter than hell, count on it.

Second, if your friend is damned and determined that you spend all day with her, take DD with you. You can get your hair done and hang at the beauty shop and still be able to feed Martie and such. That way, your friend can see how much she needs you. If you don't take her, you will need to pump and I have a feeling they would feel more uncomfortable with you pumping around them than breastfeeding. I have never had a big wedding so I am probably out of line, but I did attend one where my good friend's matron of honor brought her 18 month old along for the day and it worked out fine. I am not sure where it is written that brides get to turn into the world's most self-centered creatures. You need your baby, and more importantly, your baby needs you.

Good luck to you

beckyr88
06-12-2003, 12:29 AM
I agree! Just bring Martie with, if possible....not ideal, I suppose, but then you won't feel bad about leaving him and you'll have your quality time with your friend!

mharling
06-12-2003, 12:18 PM
...and then maybe your friend will see how much Martie needs you and excuse you! Do you think you could get Martie to be a terror during the first 15 minutes or so? ;)

You know that you can and should only do what you're comfortable with. Good luck!

Mary & Lane 4/6/03
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b33928e40550

MartiesMom2B
06-12-2003, 03:35 PM
Ha ha. I should see if I can get her to cry. This is a great suggestion to bring her. I don't know why I didn't think of this.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

starrynight
06-12-2003, 09:20 PM
Yeah the suggestion to bring Martie sounds good. I hope it all works out for you! If she doesn't like that she will have to understand that you need to feed your child that is along time to ask you to hang at a beauty salon, especially for a nursing mom.

And who in their right mind gets married anytime between May and August in Georgia LOL!? I live here and it's pretty dang hot!! Well best wishes to your friend and I hope it all goes smoothly.

Rachels
07-02-2003, 10:30 AM
I just reread this thread, and this response really bothers me. "Sucking it up" in this case means letting a new baby go hungry for the sake of an adult's convenience. I think that's really inappropriate, and physically unhealthy for Sonia as well.

I too had a number of friends who couldn't make it to my wedding for financial reasons, even after I traveled to theirs. But if you don't have the money, you don't have the money. Yes, I was disappointed that they weren't there, but I've had times where I just couldn't afford to fly across the country, either. And now that I have a baby, I've had to miss some events that were important to my childless friends, simply because they would have required me to be separated from her for longer than was appropriate. It's a life, as one movie says, not a hayride. Everything doesn't work out perfectly all the time. A sustaining friendship should be able to weather that.

And regardless, a nursing mother needs to be able to nurse her baby without being pathologized for doing so.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02