Spreading the News

[JustMare]

Okay, so after I told DH and my mom I told you ladies. Your like family, you know?

So, I've told my close cousins, and select members of our immediate family. People that know our whole TTC saga.

Now, my mom goes and tells my not so favorite SIL. Who admits she cannot keep a secret. She just called me to say congrats. My mom was looking at pictures of her niece and started to cry and just blurted out the news. SIL calls her family and friends to spread the news. I feel like this will be on the 5pm evening news!

Being that this is all new and I have thoses "I just want to pass the first trimester then I know things are good" feelings. I didn't want EVERYONE to know.

DH's cousin told EVERYONE and they had a miscarriage at 11 weeks so it does bother me.

I'm just a little annoyed. My mom I know is happy but damn her for not keeping anything inside her! Now, I'm at the point where some people know and some don't and some of those who don't should have before this SIL found out!

I'm really mad but I know everyone is happy. But I'm kinda stuck now like I have to tell everyone else.

Ugh completely venting here!! Thanks for listening!

[MartiesMom2B]

Mare:

I completely hear you on this one. I didn't want to tell my inlaws at all the news. I found out in August that I was pregnant and didn't want to say anything until Martie was 3 months old. Ha ha. But realistically I wanted to send Halloween cards announcing the pregnancy b/c that would be in the third trimester. Well my morning sickness kind of nipped that in the bud b/c I was supposed to go visit my MIL and I had to explain why I couldn't go.

Then when I went to see MIL in Feb. and I hear her on the phone talking to one of her friends about my placenta. Hello!!

It's good that everybody is happy though as we are for you. You don't have to tell everyone else. Just tell those who you wait to tell that you wanted to wait until your 2nd trimester to share the news.

Take it easy!!

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[mama2be]

Mare, you definitly should beable to tell folks on the schedulet hat youw antt ot ell them on that is for sure.

I just want to put this out there for thought and wonder how others deal with it. When I got pregnant the first time I told everyone...and work included...I miscarried...I had not regrets becaseut eh same people I shared it with were the same folks who I leaned on when I needed to. Speaking only for myslef there is no way I could have miscarried and had people around me and close to me not be in the loop...and covering my clients and all when I was out was so necessary. I know with tirstan nor any future conceptions am I persoanlly going to feel the need to keep it a secret from friends and family that I choose to want to tell in fear of a MC...

It appears it is common practice not to say anything incase...but how do folks go on as if nothing happened...it killed me and if folks didn't know they would have thought something really strange was happening to me...

[brubeck]

Neve I can only imagine what that must have been like for you to lose a baby. I am so glad that you had friends and such to lean on during that difficult time.

From my perspective though, I didn't tell most people I was pregnant either time until the second trimester. I just felt that it would be too hard to have to constantly repeat that I had miscarried if such a thing were to occur. I also know women who have miscarried and they will run into someone a month or two later who asks how the pregnancy is going and it just brings up the fresh pain. I can see why someone would want to avoid this.

To each her own, but I think others should respect the mom-to-be's wishes about what should be broadcast and when.

[Lori in NJ]

Mare,

I feel your pain--it's SO frustrating to feel like you're giving some people a gift of knowing early and then end up wishing you just sat on the news. With my first pregnancy I waited until 11 wks (would've done 12 but we were going to Aruba w/my in-laws so I HAD to tell). I ended up losing the baby at 23 wks (in April) and of course that was just catastrophic.

I got pregnant again in Sept and ended up having a m/c--I did end up telling SO many people afterwards but realized that was more reason to wait the next time. I got pregnant in Nov and my SIL wedding was at the end of Dec so as soon as the wedding was passed and we had seen & heard the h/b we let people know.

My point (is there one?) is that it's a really personal decision but either way people are SO excited for you. Don't feel obligated to tell people earlier than you would've b/c normally the first ? people ask after hearing about a pregnancy is the due date and when people realize you're not yet at the end of the first trimester, they totally (most normal ones do, at least) realize that you might be waiting to tell. Also, what person can really be offended by not being told right away? It's YOUR news and YOUR option as to when to tell...

Congratulations & best of luck!!!

[Melanie]

I hear your frustrations! That stinks, besides the worry of it all, I'll bet you would have liked to tell YOUR news.

[Melanie]

Neve, I think it's wonderful that you had close friends to lean on.

For me, the concern was the news spreading to the not-so-close people and not wanting to have to deal with telling them. For example, a dear friend of mine was PG at the same time as we were. She told the world immediately and it was okay with them for everyone to spread the word all over (she has a huge social circle). At one point her brother had the occasion to tell the mother of her ex-boyfriend. As if that's someone she's going to want to have to share her sadness with? KWIM? She's a very social person, but during an already difficult time of miscarrying, she was in tears telling me that she didn't want to have to tell everyone but didn't want THEM to be hurt if they heard through the grapevine from someone else and not from her directly.

I think that was our fear and why we kept our pregnancy secretive until 2nd trimester. It was HARD, especially at work when I was starting to dress out of dress code near the end (we had a silly thing that we had to tuck our shirts in), and I was sort of just 'blah' all of the time. However, I am not an extremely social person who likes to tell the world what's going on in my personal life. Dh is, it really was tough for him not to tell people and he was the first to break our 'rule!'

I think it all boils down to the couple's wishes and how their families really should respect them. I feel badly for you Mare, mostly because it's such wonderful news to share and you should get to. However, let me tell you that in a few months this will be such a non-issue and you'll forget all about it b/c you'll have a little bundle in your arms! Congratulations!

[muskiesusan]

I understand where you are coming from. Its your news to tell and no one should do it but you! We told our parents and wanted to wait until 12 weeks to tell everyone else. Well, b/c one night out at dinner I didn't have wine, friends told EVERYONE that I was pregnant behind our backs without even asking us first. I was so mad, I just taken the stupid test that morning, I didn't think I needed to announce that night! No one ever asked us directly if it was true, and I covered my non drinking for the rest of the trimester by saying I had given up alcohol for lent (a little white lie, but I did give it up, lol). It did ruin the news when we were ready to tell.

Susan
WAHM to Nicholas 10/01/01

[trumansmom]

We were in a similar situation. Our first pregnancy, we decided to announce to our families at 8 weeks. Couldn't wait and told everyone at 7, and then miscarried a few days later. I was truly grateful for the support, but I think my husband was uncomfortable about it.

Then, when we got pregnant with Truman, we were fortunate enough to have an early ultrasound, and told everyone after we saw the heartbeat.

We were recently pregnant again, and I started showing immediately, so silly us, assumed everything was okay and told everyone. We then miscarried again at 8 weeks. This really threw my husband. He is a very private guy to begin with, and doesn't feel comfortable sharing emotional things with most people.

Now that we're trying again (and my slightly queasy gut is telling me we may have been successful this month!), we've agreed to wait until after we see a heartbeat again at the bare minimum to go truly public. My concern is that I'll start showing early again (I literally had strangers ask me when I was due when I was not quite 6 weeks last time!) and everyone will find out before we're ready. I will however, tell my inner circle immediately. If nothing else, I'm a strong believer in the power of positive thoughts and prayer, and will want all the support I can get! And, like Neve said, these are the folks I would want to know if I miscarried as well.

It's a hard decision.
Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/29/01

[starrynight]

I know exactly what you mean! With all of my pregnancies somehow my mom ended up being the first one to know and then as soon as I said :don't tell anyone please" everyone in the world knew :(. I would call to tell someone and hear " congrats your mother already told me or something like that" I was very upset. It's your news to share and you should be able to share it with whom you want and when you are ready to. I actually didn't even want to tell my mom first but with my second my m/s gave me away and this time around my son told his grandma on the phone oops don't trust a 4 year old LOL. good luck with your pregnancy I'm sorry you didn't get to announce it first to everyone you wanted to.