Only two weeks left

[farsk]

Hello everyone!

This isn't really a bitching post post, more of an "I'm depressed and I don't know where to put this" post.

Ellen is due to arrive in two weeks and I find myself looking at this time as the last two weeks my husband and I will get to spend together alone. Ellen was a big surprise to us as we were not looking to get pregnant and, at that time, had recently decided that if there was never anything but the two of us, we would be happy. It has nothing at all to do but with my own selfishness. We are both employeed and can financially support a child and have tons of family support, so that is not where the "stress" is coming from. At 28-years-old, you would think that I would not be so selfish still to want my husband all to my self. After all, we have been married for three years but have been together for 12 years. You would think we would have had enough of each other!haha! Still, I can't help but think that this is the beginning of the end. (Sorry, I tend to be fatalistic somtimes!) DH is very excited about Ellen's arrival. Still, it's just that I liked our life before, and now, just the two of us. Sometimes I can't help but feel very weepy (crying even as I type). I want this feeling to go away and to be happy and excited, but I just can't seem to get there, yet. And it doesn't help that people are constantly coming up to me and saying, "Boy, I'll bet you're excited!" How do you reply? -- "No, not really"

Tell me this is hormones. Tell me this will go away. DH says that it will still be just me and him, and a little piece of me and him together. He's sweet like that.

-Shannon
Mom to Ellen (edd 7/28/2003)

[egoldber]

What you are feeling is very normal!! We were together for 10 years before we had our DD. One reason we waited so long is that we kept putting off having a baby to do other things first: travel, career, etc. While I do not regret waiting, I do regret waiting quite so long.

And to be honest, you are right. This is the beginning of the end of you and your DH life together alone. But it is also the BEGINNING of your life as a family and all the wonder and glory that that will bring to your life. Yes, things will be hard and there will be a decided lack of spontaneity to things that you do from now on. And this is impossible to explain, but once you have your baby, you will be amazed at the deep sense of love you have.

So try to relax and enjoy your last weeks together as a couple. And it is OK to be nervous. But it will be wonderful afterwards too, just in a different way.

HTH,

[alkagift]

Shannon,
Matthew was a surprise to us too--we found out a month before we went to Italy for a vacation and the second thing I thought was "now I won't get to drink any Italian wine!" The first thing I thought was "oh, my G*d, what are we going to do!" Not because we hadn't been married for 6 years and known each other for 10, it was just the panic of "what have I done!" When Matthew was born I realized how great my husband is and how lucky I am to have him in my life--WITH the baby. It's made me appreciate our marriage and being together more. Matthew has been an amazing addition to who we were and I have completely fallen in love with him.

Case in point as to how my feelings have changed: in November, when I was 3 months pregnant, a co-worker returned from her own maternity leave and was having a hard time dealing with leaving her son at daycare. This normally very factual, practical brilliant woman was reduced to tears. At the time, I thought, "What is going on? She needs to get it together! She made a decision, now get on with life!" I didn't say it, just thought it--I know, heartless, probably, and clueless, absolutely. Now, I'm so in love with my little boy and our new family that I too, a together professional woman, am a mess at the thought of returning to work. So, I would think that your feelings will probably change. I agree that you're feeling completely normally--maybe hormones are playing a part, but don't write off your feelings with "it's just hormones." You could even formally acknowledge that your life will be different with a good, long, fun evening with your husband--kind of like New Year's Eve, welcoming in the New Stuff!

It sounds like your husband is great and your relationship will just get more fabulous. In any case, if you feel sad afterwards, talk to your DH, to us, to anyone--it's great to talk about it, we've all been there.

Allison
Mom to Matthew Clayton, 5/19/03

PS--Don't worry if it IS hormones, they rage on after the birth too, much to my surprise!

[mama2be]

Shannon I highly suspect you will be a wonderful mommy. Some of the best moms that I know are moms who were shocked to be pregnant. I think you'll find your relationship w/DH to actually grow and strengthen. One of my favoirte lines about marriage (relationships) is that true love is not really gazing into eachothers eyes BUT looking outward in the same direction. I highly suspect you'll find that.

I have to say Tristan has done little to change our life styles...we do everything that we used to...I can think of two things that might have held me back I wanted to go to New Orleans and thought smoky jazz clubs were not the place for him...and then once I was heading to join Tammy out at her new house and he was just fussy that day...and I was behind in getting out...so I turned around and came home...(had met her the day before or I would have kept on going)...BUT so far he has nothing to alter lives...I am certain that will change but atleast it will happen gradually...

Please keep us posted...I am certain you will be wonderful!!!!
Hugs!!!

[pritchettzoo]

Please don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about this! It could be hormones, it could be stress, or it could be depression. In that case, talking to a professional and possibly taking medications would help you.

My friend desperately wanted children, and once she got pregnant, she got very depressed. She took medication throughout the 2nd & 3rd trimesters (under doctor's supervision) and tried to go off afterwards but went right back on. She is "herself" again thanks to the meds and talking about it.

Good luck. I am sure you will have a wonderful daughter and take excellent care of her. Just make sure you take care of yourself too!

[mamahill]

Ainsleigh was totally planned and wanted (not that Ellen isn't!) and everything, but I had similar feelings right before she was born. This will change EVERYTHING, I kept thinking. And she did. But in such a different way than I expected. I never understood how my dad would tell my mom "I love you more now than the day we were married," until I had been married a couple years. Now I look at DH and think, "I thought I loved you then?! Holy cow, that's nothing like now." I think there is a mutual love and respect that is a bazillion times deeper than before, and it is fueled by this little body that suddenly came into our lives. Yes, we don't go out as much as we used to, but we have this little person who is watching (and now imitating!) our every move. And although the middle-of-the-night wakings can be trying and sometimes I think, "How can HE sleep through this?!?!" there are times I just want to fall all over myself that he let's me take care of this little person. He trusts me with his child. Granted, it's my child too (something else that boggles the mind), but still.

And then there are those nights that I go in to check on her before going to sleep, and the sight of her laying there, hands behind her head like her daddy, little lip protruding (you'd have to see pics to fully appreciate it), the slight rise and fall of her chest, and the smell (my gosh, I adore her smell - and I mean a good smell:)), makes me completely melt and a wave of love and protectiveness washes over me, and I think to myself, "Oh yeah - this is what it's all about."

You're going to be great.

[Jenmv]

Shannon,

I feel like I could have written your post. For me the decision to have a child was mostly intellectual. I'm 30, we're at a stable point in our lives, blah, blah, blah and I had this nagging feeling that if we didn't have kids I may regret it one day. However I was the tom boy growing up who never played with dolls and really was never that interested in other peoples children, even my own relatives. So as I was ending my pregnancy I had a lot of doubts. I felt somewhat disconnected and also felt sad about all of the things that would change. It was like this is the last time we'll be able to go to the movies with out getting a sitter kind of stuff.

Well things have changed but its true that the love and devotion you will feel for this child is beyond your comprehension. Its not as easy to do everything that we did before but I don't mind because as a couple we are totally focused on our child and it doesn't feel like a sacrifice. If I had one wish to do over I would cherish those first few hours in the hospital with my child more as she needed some immediate medical attention and I didn't really get it until a few days after her birth. By "get it" I mean that those first few hours I still felt a little surreal about the whole thing. But then once those post-partum hormones kicked in I went for like two weeks where I couldn't look into my childs eyes with out tears welling up. I couldn't get through a lullaby without crying and now when I am out in public I find myself looking and smiling at other peoples babies. I never did that before!!

So don't worry. What your feeling is perfectly normal and good luck to you.

[zen_bliss]

you are not alone! i hope it helps to hear others' experiences. i feel a lot in common with jen's post. i was never into babies. i didn't get it. i watched friends turn to mush & cliche-spouting over procreating and thought it both sweet & yet sort of appalling. the timing of becoming pg was a surprise, and at first we were both ambivalent, as it came when we were trying to regain our footing after a year so bad i can't believe i lived through it and it was hard to see through to the future. i decided to go with a 'this is a blessing' attitude. and though i was excited through the pregnancy, i was also a teeny bit apprehensive toward the end. it turned out that i had a great time being pregnant (who would have thought?) as my due date approached, i wondered if i would miss being pregnant and get depressed with all the new demands. (which by the way, i think are oversold and add unnecessarily to pre-mommy anxiety. i wanted to kick the next person who said something like 'oh ho ho, you don't know what you're getting into, you'll never sleep or take a shower again.') i couldn't imagine what 'she' would be like, it was all theoretical, though i had faith i would love her madly.

as my husband says now to his friends who ask, all those irritating cliches people spout after having a baby turn out to be completely true. it really is transformative. it does put a new focus & meaning to each day, and reorients priorities & worldview. it sounds like you are a lot like us -- we are a couple who intensely guarded our private time together before baby. i panicked -- we should take a vacation! have sex! we have a short time to cram in all kinds of stuff we will never be able to do with kids! i got blue that we didn't do things and it was too close to my due date to travel. well, happily that was not the end of that aspect of our lives. we enjoy taking her everywhere and only want to integrate her in every way to the stuff we used to treasure doing. we think of new things that didn;t interest us much before that we want to do with her, because of her.

i have no doubt that you will be a wonderful mommy, and fall in love with your DH in new ways. you will amaze yourself. you will discover new things to admire & respect about yourself. i know it's not helpful to say 'try not to worry' so i'll just suggest that you try to 'be in the moment' each one from now through ellen's arrival & onward. keep a journal. give yourself a lot of 'it's hormones, and i'll ride it out' latitude. if the feelings get too intense, seek some counseling and don't feel bad about it -- it's common. it sounds like DH is going to be wonderful at taking care of you when you need him.

best wishes & blessings! be sure to keep us posted on how you are doing.

[mama2be]

I too never coo'd at babies till I got pregnant. If someone had a baby near me I couldn't tell if it was 4 months old or 4 years old (:))...I had never changed a diaper, or ever given a bottle. If I held a baby it was just becasue it seemed liek the "right thing" to offer...when it cried I was a nervous basket case..."where is that mom"...

I joke...yet it is true...if you had a new puppy I was chasing you down the stret to hear all aobut it...if you had a new baby I was admiring it...BUT....

NOw I can't get enough of little babies, and glad I still can't get enough of puppys either :)...

[flagger]

I was 13 when the first of my five nieces/nephews was born. So I have been exposed to young young babies for quite a few years now. I learned firsthand never to wake a sleeping baby after waking up the first niece because I wanted to "play". Of course I did this right after my sister-in-law and brother left and she didn't calm down for three hours right before they came home. My first of many parental lessons to come and I didn't yet realise it.

We too had these fears and doubts in our mind. When Ms. Flagger had a miscarriage, while we were devestated we were secretly relieved that we had this extra time to ourselves. We beat ourselves up for feeling that way.

When I would see my friends having babies I would be cordial but was happy to hand their children back. When I heard of people "trying", I would think "Thanks for advertising that you are having sex!" I wouldn't get up at my workplace to view new arrivals brought in for visits. I would think for "Gosh sakes people, some of us are TRYING to work!"

Nothing I read, nothing I had been told, I mean nothing could prepare from the wave of emotion that came over me rocking my daughter in my arms sitting in this very chair in front of the computer. I bawled like a baby, except I had tears flowing hard and fast.

It is work, no doubt about it, and it can be frustrating, but at seven weeks after her birth neither of us can remember what our life was like before Cocoa came into it. About three days later, Ms. Flagger looked at me and said "Oh honey, why on earth did we ever wait so long to have a child!"

Good luck Shannon.

PS: If you have your child on your EDD, she will share a birthday with someone I know very well. ;)

[kapow]

Shannon, a word of practical advice - try to line up a third person to help you at home the first two weeks. My mother came and saved my sanity - I was close to banging my head against baby's wall at 2 am the first night. Our baby was planned but I didn't realize what motherhood would mean until Ian was here. I'm good now but the first two weeks have been rough. Also have good friends (who have had babies!) stop by just so you can talk those first few weeks. If I had not had outlets for my frustration and fears (DH was great for this too) I might still be upset; I'm okay now - and the previous posters are right, when you look at her little face when she's (finally!) sleeping you'll fall in love.

[liya]

I know exactly how you feel..At 23 you can imagine that i was totally torn when Arian came along...We wanted to finish our studies and travel after we got married...Actually let me clarify that, i didnt even want to get married i was fine with the way things were..We were a live in couple for 6 years and that was perfectly fine with me...I didnt care to get married or to even get pregnant...I can totally relate to you and, yes it does sound selfish, but to be honest with you i wanted to be selfish...i wanted time alone and i didnt want to have to worry about waking up every 2 hrs to breastfeed or have a screaming kid around the house when i needed to do stuff...I was so very comfortable and happy with the way things were and i was soooo mad when i found out i was pregnant...I even cried..seriously...The doctor had told me i could never have children and i was perfectly fine with that...i was like oh well when the time comes i will adopt..there are so many children out there that need a loving mom and dad..When the time comes thats what i will do....Yeah!! The door hit me right in the a$$...All throughout the pregnancy ppl were congratulating me and stuff and i was like ehe...yeah...im sooo excited to get up every 1hr and have to change a screaming baby and not get to do the stuff i wanted to do...This might sound horrible but i thought i would hate him for having to take the time off that year( i had a terrible pregnancy) and not go to school, i really wanted to finish law school quickly...

But when they put him in my arms after my delivery, everything changed...I was sooo happy...I have no doubts youll be a great mommy and when the time comes those feelings will pass....Not to say you will not want that life back...but that strong feeling about it you have now will pass and there will come a time where you will not imagine your life without Ellen...

HTH

[DCmommy]

I know you've gotten a lot of replies on this, but I figured I'd add my two cents. I totally understand how you feel! Patrick was a surprise to us, and we hadn't even been together a year and I just couldn't help but think about all the things DH and I wouldn't get to do together alone anymore, like travel. I was almost mad at the baby for intruding. But once DS was born, I felt an incredible rush of love for both DS and DH that I couldn't even find the words to describe. I kept telling him, "I love you so much. No, I mean I REALLY REALLY love you." And he felt the same.

DS has brought us closer, because being parents is something that we do together, and it's just the two of us as parents! It's a lot like foreign travel: it's a total immersion experience, you don't speak the same language as the baby and sometimes you feel like you don't know where you are. And, like travel, it can be frustrating, but you just figure things out together as you go along, and mostly it's exhilarating. Parenthood is one of the best trips ever!

It sounds like your DH is incredibly sweet and understanding. So share your feelings and don't feel guilty about them -- who doesn't have some negative feelings about every major life change? Parenthood is no exception. I have no doubt that you'll be a great mommy, and that your relationship with DH will be infinitely richer. Hang in there!

Megan
Mommy to Patrick, 1/16/03

[farsk]

Hello again, everyone!

Thank you so much for all of your kind replies! They have really helped to let me know that I am not a horrible person and that I am not alone in this world with these kind of feelings.

Went to the doctor yesterday for another ultrasound....and found out that DD is estimated at 8lbs. 4 oz. What a big girl! (We were both 7+ lb. babies). Anyway, OB wants to think about inducing on Tuesday or Wednesday. I am terrified! Unfortunately, too, that nesting thing hasn't kicked in and I live in squalor.

Anyway, thank you for everything. I know these boards have certainly saved my sanity. Look for an update soon. Maybe I'll have an adorable picture to post like everyone else!

-Shannon
Mom to Ellen (edd 7/28/2003---or sooner!)