Not exactly a bitch, just a sadness I guess

[peanut4us]

You know, I knew my whole maternity leave that I had to go back. I spent months "dealing with it" ahead of time, and it really wasn't too bad. Then I found out I still had basically all of my vacation left because I didn't have to use it for my leave since I was working part time from home. So all november and part of december I was LIVING for Dec 18 when I would be off until Jan 5. i was so excited. I've been excited everyday of my vacation. DH and DD and I have played and enjoyed each other so much the last few weeks. I am so thankful to have had that time.

But I didn't think about Jan 5. I find myself so much less prepared to go back to work tomorrow than I was when I came back from maternity leave. Maybe it's because I won't be pumping tomorrow. I think our last nursing session will be tomorrow morning. I'm glad to have weaned, but I am realizing how much I depended on pumping at work to make me feel like I was still "doing something" for her even though I was at work. And now I don't have that.

Gosh, I feel like such a loser for even saying these things knowing that I still have it so much better than a lot of other working mommies... DD is at home with DH for 80% of the week. I've just enjoyed being with them both so much. The ONLY thing that is motivating me to go tomorrow is that I'm 99.999% sure that my direct deposit will stop if I don't go :)

Suck it up. I know, it will make me happy to see updated pix of her tomorrow at work... I will go update my work picture album during L&O Criminal Intent.

Thanks for listening.

[mharling]

What you said makes perfect sense in terms of your pumping being tied to doing something for her while you're away. Just think of it now as earning the money to provide for her well-being and happiness. I very much admire working mommies and give you loads of credit.

BTW, I think my dh is having similar feelings about going back tomorrow. :(

http://www.auction-pix.com/katasha/stuff/snowman.gif Mary & Lane 4/6/03

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

Joey,
I'll be thinking about you guys tomorrow!!!! You are a fantastic mommy!!!

Big hugs your way!!!!
Neve
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[pritchettzoo]

You are doing something for her--you and your husband are creating the most fabulous role models! She has such a unique chance to view caretaking outside the traditional gender-based model. You are showing her how unselfish love is--your love for her and for your husband. By your working, he's not having to give up his goals/dreams and she's still being taken care of by someone who loves her.

Having said all that, it still stinks. I'm sorry.

BTW...your company might not notice you're gone for a while. You do work for a rather large place. A friend of mine resigned from a large law firm and had to call 3 times to get her direct deposit to stop! Each time, they were like "Oh. Okay. Nah. Don't worry about sending us a check." Maybe you could get lucky? But then not so much a role model in the day-glow orange jumpsuit...:P

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[jec2]

I think tomorrow will be a big day back to work for a lot of mommies. You and your little one are so luck to have had such an experience and are very fortunate for the length, plus what a high note to go back on since you've had such an awesome past few weeks. Good luck with it all and hugs too.

[jojo2324]

You ARE doing something for her!!! You're supporting her, and being a great role model. I think Anna had a really good point, that Sara's exposure to different parenting is great!

Go update those cutie pie pics and don't get too down. Day-glo orange jumpsuits are the IT item on this season's runways, LOL. :)

[mamahill]

Joey!! I had similar feelings of not doing anything for Ainsleigh when we weaned - and I was at home with her, so it's completely natural for you to feel that way. But it's WRONG!! You are doing a fantastic job and providing Sara her basic needs. And after that, you provide her a wonderful loving mommy to snuggle in the evenings, mornings and weekends.

I'm glad you've had such a good time and am sad for you. Pack yourself an extra exciting lunch and tell DH to take some pics and email them to you throughout the day to give you something to look forward to. Hang in there - you are superb!!

[barbarhow]

Joey-I so know what you are feeling. I was off a stretch of days over the holidays and so loved it. It felt like torture to head back to work. My thoughts are with you today-I hope the day flies by and you are home before you know it.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[sntm]

Oh, Joey, I'm right there with you! I worked last week, but was doing a night shift so I was home with Jack during the day. I was exhausted but it was so much fun. I'm actually taking this week off, but we were worried letting Jack go so long without going to daycare so I took him in for a few hours this morning while I get some work done (yes, I will be getting to work stuff soon!) It was so much harder! Plus he was a little wary of everyone again, so while I was glad we didn't wait any longer, I also hated having to leave him. Luckily, the much-missed exersaucer caught his attention.

Hey, how's about we start going in together on powerball tickets? :+ Anyone else interested in the tired-of-being-the-breadwinner-wanna-stay-home-with-the-baby lottery gamble??????


shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[nathansmom]

Joey-
I'm so sorry your feeling that way. I hope Monday turns out to be a great day for you. Tell that loving dh of yours to send you lots of emailed pictures to help you today.
Lots of love-

[McQ]

Hey Joey. Hope you're having a good day! Well at least one that doesn't suck :)

Allison
~ mommy to Declan 3.24.03

[Dcclerk]

Oh Shannon. Sign me up. I have never played the lottery in my life (and even personally know 2 jackpot winners!), but am more than willing to put in the big bucks for that kind of lottery. Soooo tired of the breadwinner stuff. And sooooo surprised that me, a feminist extraordinaire, would be saying this:)

[Jenmv]

Joey,

Going back to work always sucks and its so much harder when you know what you are missing! I've noticed since I've gone back to work that I am constanly looking for any excuse to use a vacation day. Before DD I never took days off "just because".

I wanted to ask since you commented that your DH spends most of the time with DD while you are at work, do you ever feel a little jealous? I ask this because my DH works nights and stays home with DD during the day. I know that this is a wonderful thing for DD and she is lucky to develop such a close bond with her Daddy but she is becoming such a Daddy's girl that sometimes it botheres me a little and I know I am being totally selfish but I still think it is a normal reaction. I currently only nurse her once in the morning and once at night and DH is pushing me to wean her from the morning feeding because that means DD will sleep in longer and he can sleep until she wakes up on her own and I'm dreading the thought that I won't be the first one to get her up any more. As it is now DH goes to work after she's in bed and comes home before she wakes up so in her eyes he's always home and mommy is the one who leaves and it breaks my heart sometimes.

[peanut4us]

Jen, I totally feel that way sometimes. In fact, at the very beginning of my vacation, I swear that sometimes Sara looked at me in the middle of the day like "um, what are you doing here?" in a not so welcoming way! Actually, even before that, to my great embarrassment, at Thanksgiving we traveled to the in-laws. Sara fell down and got hurt and she only wanted daddy for comfort. Most of the time I think, wow, she's got such a special relationship with her daddy. But sometimes I think that I am missing out on everything and important bonding. My mother and I used to fight like cats and dogs when I was a teen, and she had been home with me growing up until I was 10. I guess I wonder what Sara and I will be like???

Given the choice to crawl over to daddy or me, she'll pick daddy probably 4 of 5 times. But I know she still loves me a lot too. I can tell when her little face lights up when I walk into the house after work. And actually, DH doesn't get that big of a reaction when he gets home from being out on the weekend or whatever... it's kind of like, ah, you're here all the time.

One thing I did decide over the break was that I wanted to spend more quality awake time with her. So I'm leaving the house by 6:30 so I can be back in my house by 4:00 in the afternoon. My office allows me that flexibility (except for the idiots that make meetings without checking everyone's availability, grrr). Yesterday, the getting up and out the door part sucked, but having 2.5 hours of playtime with her rocked. I don't know if you have any flexibility at your work, but it's a thought.

When I get mired down in it, I just remind myself that at least I'm not jealous of a day care worker, you know? Hang in there. We can do it.

[KGoes]

Thank you guys for saying that - I am right there with you!

Kelley
DD born 7/03

[Bethann31]

I have felt so lucky for the last several months and now I am in constant fear that I actually have built a house of cards that is about to fall down. Katherine stays with another mom every morning, then I go pick her up at lunch, nurse, and take her home, where my college-age nanny (who has been sitting for me for 8 years) watches her and is home when my 9 year old gets home from school, so he doesn't have to stay in after-school, which he hates.

The whole time I was pregnant, my husband's best friend's wife told me over and over how she would keep the baby when I went back to work. I love my job, so I really didn't want to quit, and this seemed like a great solution. Of course, the week I got ready to go back to work, she found herself unable to do it. After much crying, we were able to find another friend to keep her. Katy is an angel, and has become a great friend. She has 5 children of her own, but only 2 are home during the day, a 2 year old and an 11 month old. Katherine loves her and the boys to death and loves to go over there.

I just found out that her DH has been offered a job in TN. She doesn't want to move, and neither does her DH, but it may not be an option to stay, for a variety of reasons. I am devastated, not only because she is a wonderful caregiver to Katherine, but because she has become my friend. I have very personal reasons for having such a hard time with a friend moving, but right now my sadness is almost overwhelming. On top of having to say good-by to yet another person in my life, I may have to find another caregiver for Katherine and as daycare is not an option, I don't know what I will do.)

Sorry, I seem to have gone a bit off-track here.


Beth
mom to 3 (13, 11 and 8) and then 1 more (06/04/03)

[Jenmv]

Joey,

Wow, a lot of what you described sounds exactly like what goes on in our house. I get that same look from DD when I come home in the middle of the day for some reason. It's like I am messing with the routine. I also recently had a bad experience when I visited my mothers overnight without DH and DD went hysterical when I tried to get her to sleep. She never acts that way and I suspected it was because she missed daddy and sure enough the next time I went to my moms a few weeks latter with DH she went to sleep with no problems what so ever.

I guess its just a strange problem to have. Most of my friends complain that their husbands are not involved enough and I know I am pretty lucky and so is our daughter. Knowing she is at home with DH is so much easier on me then leaving her in day care, but it's still nice to have "met" some one else out there with these same feelings.

Maybe some of my feelings stem from the fact that I was a "daddys girl" growing up and I remember as a little kid thinking that he was more fun than mom. We lived on a farm at the time and my dad primarily watched me during the winter while mom worked at a school. Its that karma thing catching up with me. I'm afraid she's going to feel the same way about me that I felt about my mom when I was young. My mom and I are extremely close now, but that didn't happen until I was in my 20's. We fought horribly when I was teenager.

You hang in there too! In the end its a great thing for our kids.

[starrynight]

*hugs* I hope going back to work goes smoothly for you hon.

[alkagift]

Joey,
First off, you are a great mom--such a role model for Sara, she will so look up to you! And don't worry about your relationship with your mom--if being married to my DH and seeing his dysfunctional dad taught me anything, it's that children don't have to repeat the mistakes of their parents--especially the kids who are aware of those mistakes and actively avoid them! For what it's worth, my mom stayed home with me only two years and she and I get along great!

My DH is doing just what you are and is finding the leave-early return-early schedule better too. I'm so glad that you wrote this, because not only have I felt this way when I was working, but now DH feels this way too--sort of jealous of me. He hasn't come right out and said that, only mumbling, but it's made me more sensitive and I'm going to be more watchful and empathetic about his feelings!

Allison
Mom to Matthew Clayton, 5/19/03