My mother has a knack***update***

[todzwife]

Can I still play the post partum hormone card? I took the advice of many of you and talked to my mom this morning. She had no idea she had hurt my feelings, and felt bad that she had made me cry. We have always had a good relationship, and I have always been able to tell her when she hurts me, but for some reason when it was concerning my parenting abilities, I had a hard time confronting her. She has 7 kids, afterall and I always thought that she knew everything. She assured me that she doesn't know everything and I am doing what is right for US and that is all that is important. Thanks everyone for all the hugs, that's all I really came here for. Hugs and reasurrance that I am a good mommy. :)

[jojo2324]

Oh sweetie!!! I'm so sorry!! My mom works along the same lines: "Is he talking yet? Why isn't he talking yet? You need to SPEAK to him, Joanne!" But then she'll follow it with, "You know, you didn't speak until you were three." Well, what does that say, mom? Am I an articulate, speaking adult now? OR, the fact that Gannon is a picky eater. I've done that to him somehow. Every time she comes to visit, she says, "Look, I'll get him to eat something." And she fails. But doesn't say anything like, oh, maybe you're his mom and might actually know something! And I got the whole spoiled talk too...But then when he cries, she says, "Why don't you pick him up??" I swear, the woman drives me insane!!

But then there's my other mom! (I've got two.) She's really blase about some things, and any time I talk about how he needs to go to the doctor, or he needs this shot, it's always followed by how he's going to develop this reaction, or have rotten teeth, or get this cootie. ARGH!

Can you just tell her what you told us? Since I now have children of my own, I don't necessarily view my mothers as the authority, you know? I'm more than willing to zing my counter-opinions back at their criticisms. It's just frustrating to face a complete dismissal of your ideals and actions as a parent, especially from somebody you thought was on your side, you know?

Hang in there honey! I think you're an amazing mommy!! Dallin is lucky to have you! :)

[pritchettzoo]

Wowee. Could you (pointedly) say, "Mom, did your mother make you feel like crap when she asked about me?" Tell her you aren't giving Dallin formula because your milk is best. And that you respond to him quickly because that's what YEARS of professional research has shown to be most beneficial for the child. And if she says, "Well, I didn't do that for you..." then you say, "That was your choice. And this is mine." You could leave out what you're probably aching to add ("And back off, bitch!") for the sake of family unity...or not...

He's about a month younger than my girl, right? She hasn't been laughing for long. And she's only laughed at me once--on Sunday. She finds DH endlessly hysterical. He has to go all out though--hopping and saying "Hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi hi" with a really hard "h" sound gets her going. She's not laughing at the drop of a hat yet.

I'm so sorry she was so hateful. You're a great mom and don't let her make you feel otherwise!

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[bluej]

What is it w/ Grandma's and sleeping through the night! My mom keeps asking if Ryden is sleeping through the night and when I tell her no she says 'well what's wrong w/ him?' What do you mean what's wrong w/ him? Nothing is WRONG w/ him other than he's a growing, teething, running nose baby who still wakes once a night to eat or be comforted. And then she'll say things to him (like he understands her) 'you aren't going to do such-and-such-a-thing like your brother/sister are you?' Like my other two kids are horrible and I messed up miserably w/ them. Thankfully I don't have to hear this on a weekly basis like my sisters. Ahhh, distance is a GOOD thing! I think what it comes down to is that it's been so long since they've been new mothers that they don't really remember what it's like. I know for a fact my mom couldn't tell you when each of us started sleeping through the night consistently and if she were to check our baby books she'd probably be shocked to discover that it was not at six weeks (which is the age she thinks EVERY baby should be sleeping entirely through the night). And my mother also 'teases' me about all of my baby purchases. She'll pick up Ryden's Robeez and say 'your mommy spends so much money on your shoes!' Okay, she has no IDEA how much they cost so why is she making such a comment? I respond w/ 'it's winter, would you rather he have cold feet?' And then she feels bad for implying that my child doesn't need shoes and should have cold feet. Sorry to get carried away, but I can so relate! If it's any comfort if you have siblings she probably tells them what a wonderfully perfect mother you are. That's how my mom operates, tells each of us what we are doing wrong and then goes on to tell us what the other sisters are doing right. I do love her dearly though. But only b/c I can put her in her place and tell her to back off w/o her holding it against me.

[jec2]

My mom and your mom could be twins separated at birth! It seems that no matter what my mom says, it just irks me. Now, she has my dad call and get all the scoop.

My SIL just had a baby (two weeks ago) and my mom is comparing the two kids...ugh! Oh, so & so eats and sleeps on schedule, SIL lost all her weight already, have you? and so & so this and so & so that. And, she is obsessed with whether Finn is sleeping thru the night and just lately is whether he is rolling over yet. And, just the other day I told her finn had been fussy (growth spurt and over-exhaustion with no nap and she said, "well SIL's Dr. recommended these secret "magical" drops, you should ask SIL what they are and where you might get them!" Good greif mom, mylicon drops!

When my mom "teases" me about things that I don't think are funny (and I rarely think my mom is funny, I think she is more on the mean-spirited side, actually) I tell her it's not "fun" if not everyone is laughing!

Moms can really suck can't they? I just our kids aren't as annoyed with us as we are with our moms...that is what would really suck!!!

[bluej]

"I just our kids aren't as annoyed with us as we are with our moms"

OH! My sisters and I have a deal that we tell one another if we are acting like our mother! Just over Christmas, my sis and I were at her 19 yo daughter's house and she was going through everything and lecturing Naida and on and on and I said 'that's enough Laurel (my mom's name, not my sis's name)'. She shut up right away! We definitely have to keep one another in line! I also call my mother Denny when she gets out of line b/c she says her dad use to drive her crazy.

[starrynight]

Shandelle *hugs* your mom sounds like a combo of my mom and my mil. My mom asks me questions like I'm an idiot sometimes, especially if the kids are sick, She is a nurse so she over reacts and think they need to be rushed to the clinic for everything.

As for him laughing, I don't think he is "supposed" to be by now, yeah some babies might but Eliza is older than him and still mostly just smiles and coos. No real laughing.

My mil and sil are in the "you will spoil that child camp". You are a great mom for responding quickly, for understanding your son needs and for doing what is right for him and you not anyone else. It's hard but don't let anyone else make you feel bad about that hon.

Eliza wanted to be held alot the first few weeks, I chalked it up to her being 2 weeks early and missing being inside. I gave into that, holding her, slinging her etc. Now she knows I'm there if she really needs me, very rarely cries and is content to play by herself in the swing or on her playmat for a little while happy as can be. Holding them all the time makes them cry less and makes them feel secure. You aren't doiing anything wrong.

Have you spoken to her about how she makes you feel? I used to feel bad when mom suggested this or that, then I realized she hasn't had a baby in a long time and maybe she doesn't remember how it is. I just said to her "these are my kids and this is what works please respect that. You had your kids and raised us how you wanted so let me be a grown up, I can do this" she for the most part leaves me alone now, if she gets on my case again I just tell her my oldest has made it to age 5 without serious problems so I think I know what I'm doing. ;) We both laugh and she actually will comment she knows I'm a good mom but she admits she goofed some things up with us kids sometimes so forgets I can do this. She means well I guess!

Sooo sorry this got long and sorta about me :+ I was just trying to let you know your doing a great job and your not alone in having a mom like that.

[lukkykatt]

Oh, this is such a sore point for me because my mother did this to me. The worst was the first week when I was home from the hospital and she was staying with us. She did it in this passive aggressive way of talking about me to the baby! I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

Then, move on to my first Mother's Day...a few days before that DS had banged his head on the floor and had a big knot in the middle of his forehead. When she came to our house her first words were "Who was watching you?!" I never saw DH so mad. He ended up calling her the next day (without me knowing - which is another story altogether). But, I have to say, after that she stopped.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, because I know how it hurts. You can either say something about it and how it makes you feel, or ignore it. No matter what you choose, you know that you are a wonderful mother, and you know that alot of things have changed since our mothers were doing this.

[cdlamis]

Shandelle-

I am so sorry that she does this to you. Your post really hit home with me. You know what stands out the most to me? It's that she is "teasing" you and bugging you about things that are SO right and unselfish for you to be doing. I mean, none of the things you described are "convenient" for you but you still do them for your DS. You BF, cloth diaper, etc- it's sad that people can actually find anything wrong in that.

DH's grandmother always got on my case for bathing with DD or not letting CIO or holding her a ton, and all I could think was "And you disagree??????" I guess it made me feel bad since I thought I would get some sort of positive comments about it and it was totally the opposite.

Our moms and other relatives may not agree with us but just think of what kind of parent our kids will be- hopefully because of a good example! Hang in there!

By the way, I have seen your family pictures and you are a beautiful family and Dallin is so cute!

Daniella
Mom to Julia 6-13-02
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b35d0802848f *December pictures

[Jacksonvol]

I am so sorry that happened to you.

My mom had the "formula solves everything" mindset, until she went with me to my LC visit. After talking with the LC (a woman her age) and seeing how DD was weighed before, during and after the feeding, she is now a BF fan. (although she still thinks BF after 6 months is wierd. We may be taking another trip to the LC in a few months.) I think part of it (formula use, disposable diaper pref.) may be due to the drive my parents' generation had to be "modern." My mom told me about how she had to make my formula almost from scratch, how she did not have any support from her mom on breastfeeding and how much trouble cloth diapers were (she did not have a washer/dryer at the time). And I think that part of it may be the grandparent's fears about how they may have messed up with their child and don't want to see the same mistakes affect the grandchild.

Anyway, when mom lets go with a hurtful comment, I have learned to say "That hurt my feelings. Why did you say that?" It usually brings her around and I remember the nice things she has said about my parenting and that helps also. Hang in there.

[jmofarrill]

Oh, Shandelle, you're not a horrible mom. {{{hugs}}} I read your posts all over BBB and MDC, and I think you're an awesome mom - you're so on top of eveything for Dallin and you're so excited to be his mom. What more could he ask for?

It's so frustrating when the people who are supposed to be on your side seem to side against you.

I have found that I'm really fortunate in that no one in my family or my in-laws question anything we do with Anwyn - bf'ing, cd'ing, co-sleeping... They are all so proud of Anwyn and how dh and I parent her. My g-mom almost had me in tears today because she was telling me how proud she is of me and the kind of mom I am. I really, really hope your mom tells you this one day.

[stillplayswithbarbies]

This was my answer to the "is she sleeping through the night yet" question:

No, of course not, she is too young for that, she could die if she slept through at this age, she needs to eat!

Usually, that would shut people up. :)

...Karen
Jacob Nathaniel Feb 91
Logan Elizabeth Mar 03

[lisams]

So sorry you're mother is making you feel this way. I got so tired of answering "Is she sleeping through the night YET?" that I finally started responding "she's sleeping as well as a __month old can" and then smile (and according to our ped - technically "sleeping through the night" is sleeping for 5 or more hours straight). I think it's easy for our mothers to forget what it is REALLY like to have a young baby. My MIL thought DD should be talking by 10 months and walking at 9, oh and potty trained by 1. She swears her children did this, but I think it's a little of her forgetfulness kicking in. Anyways, just try to ignore her and know that you are an AWESOME mom!

Lisa

[TaChapm2]

Sorry you are going through this. DS had been formula fed since day one and he still is not sleeping through the night (it is not the magical cure). Every baby is different. You can't spoil a baby at this age either (I've tried) . I like the fact that DS knows that he can always count on me to be there. Just do what you feel like doing and don't worry about your mom. After all, you were the one who went through the labor to get him here. I believe you have earned the right to call the shots for DS.

Tara
Mommy to Jackson (11-10-02)

[Melanie]

awww, I'm so sorry your mother is so unsupportive. I think I've scared mine straight b/c she never says a THING. Probably b/c she knows I would cut her off. LOL.

Anyway, you know what you are doing is right. It was a different generation and a different world when we were little.

[McQ]

I'm so sorry your mother is saying those things to you. My mother tries that crap too. But I'm with Anna about being direct with her and telling her that it bothers you. Hugs!

Allison
~ mommy to Declan 3.24.03

[amp]

Shandelle, I know you were just venting and not necessarily needing reassurance, because you know you are doing the right things for Dallin, but I just wanted to give you a pat on the back anyway. You are doing a great job! And you *aren't* spoiling him! Your mom comes from a different era and a different line of thinking. I know it makes you feel so small when she questions you, but take strength from knowing that you are teaching Dallin that when he cries, his cries will be answered and that the two most important people in his life will care for whatever it is that he needs. That is what you are teaching him when you feed him on demand, even in the middle fo the night. And BF is giving him the best food you can possibly offer him! Hang in there sweetie! You're doing just fine!

[peanut4us]

You know though, at least in my world, it's not just grandma asking if she sleeps through the night... it's everyone, lot's of strangers, people you meet in passing. I feel like it's the one thing that they KNOW isn't happening that will make you feel even MORE tired! I've just started lying and saying yes. It's pretty entertaining to see the reaction. People either still try to get you down by asking how old she was when she started (oh well, my ___ was sleeping through the night a month before that) or they just look kind of deflated and the fun is gone!

[sntm]

shandelle,
everyone said it perfectly. you are doing a wonderful job raising him, and fwiw i agree with everything you are doing. my mom does the same thing and i've learned just to ignore it, although it still hurts. vent here anytime!

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[Melanie]

How wonderful that you can talk to her about it and you two 'made up.'

[sweetbasil]

Good for you, Shandelle! Being strong enough to address the situation is so hard, but so much more rewarding in the long term. I hope she's a little more careful in the future and that you don't have to worry about sitting down and having another talk like that with your mom anytime soon. Way to go!