Reasonably upset or just a total witch?

[SeekerMage]

Long story short because otherwise Im gonna go on for pages and pages. SIL called and said they wont be coming to Lil'bits baptism because it interupts nephews bedtime. I asked if they could either get a sitter, or atleast have BIL come because it is important to us. She called and was upset because I made them feel guilty for not coming, which they cant do because she has a class that weekend and they dont get babysitters. Heck they live with the inlaws so its not like it would be hard!!!

Well anyhow she tried to explain that they cannot change his schedule (the baptism is on a sat night at 5 with dinner to follow, his bedtime is between 5 and 630) because then he wont sleep for several nights and I just dont know what thats like because my kids sleep etc. So Im being uncaring because I dont understand and am upset because she wont come and change her schedule. Am I in the wrong for being upset and wanting them to bend a little for this event? She is now mad because I wont change my mind about being upset but want her to change her way of raising him to accomidate my plans. She even tried to get us to change the date! I dont know what to think, am I wrong and totally insensitive....or right in being upset because they wont come because he needs his sleep?

I totally dont understand and cant seem to find a place inbetween. Its not like Im asking them to feed him meat when he is a vegetarian. Im only asking that my brother atleast come and have them get a sitter, or interupt his schedule just once, its not like she will be baptised ever again. We have totally different parenting styles and I know thats part of it, my kids have to have flexible schedules and they dont bend even the slightest with theirs.
How do I find a happy place? Im ready to write them off as family at this point because its not like this is the first time something like this has happened....heck she even attacked the fact that I ask my "friends" here on the boards for advice saying she doesnt do that she calls her friends on the phone to talk to them. Well if I had friends I would call them, but talking with my hands is no different then using my voice. ARG! ok ok Im venting now...what do you all think....am I an unreasonable witch?

[sweetbasil]

Kathryn,
Your reasoning seems totally, well, reasonable. Maybe it's better that they not come- their presence might just add to the frustration of the situation and be a reminder of this struggle.

It seems that people who are totally set on schedules with their babies are that way for their first child (as we were with DS#1), then mellow a little with the second- we can only hope that'll be the case for your BIL and SIL. My goodness, you'd think one afternoon of a babysitter would be something they could get through for your little Kathryn's baptism. Besides, they're gonna have to leave him with a sitter sooner or later, but that's a whole other problem.

I always wonder, when people start looking for things to attack that are irrelevant(like SIL's comment about your online friends), what has prompted those emotions, but that's just it; she's probably feeling pretty insecure and just looking for something to turn on you with. You're flexible enough to change your schedule (and your children's) for a special event like this, and she's not, so she's gotta find something to pick on you about, to make herself feel a little better about the situation. Her comment "you don't know what that's like b/c your kids sleep" is just further evidence of her insecurity, comparing her situation to yours (and who knows, living with her ILs, if she hasn't heard comparisons like that from them)....

Really, I think your whole day will probably be more enjoyable without their family- and it's their loss anyway, not being there for Katheryn's special day! ;)

Hugs,

[deborah_r]

I'm guessing that your BIL is your husband's brother? If so, I personally think it should be up to him to override his wife and say "this is important, and at least one of us should try to be there. Do they both need to watch the baby sleep?

I think you are being totally reasonable, and I just completely DO NOT understand people like your SIL. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

[alleyoop]

I am one of those people that both bow down to the almightly schedule and have a grave fear of babysitters... so maybe I can relate. But I think that they are being completely and totally unreasonable that at least your BIL doesn't come! If I was your husband, I would be so hurt and sad that his brother doesn't care enough about him and his child to attend a very special event. At least the service... how long could that be? PLUS, they live with in-laws? Can't they listen to the monitor for a couple hours?? Blahh!

When DS was baptized, we sent invites to ALL of my DH's siblings, and didn't even get a phone call or polite regret. Nothing! Didn't show, didn't call, not a card, Nothing! I felt so bad for my DH.

What I try to remember (and have to remind myself OFTEN), is that his relationship with his siblings and parents is HIS to negotiate! On the other side, any conflicts on my side is MINE to take care of. My advice would be to spend your energy supporting your hubby through his dissapointment and trying to get him to do the confrontation (if he wants). Spend your energies on the people who you care for, and that care about you and you!

Just what works for me. HTH

[jesseandgrace]

I'm sorry that you are going through this! I think you are just going to have to accept that someone that thinks a kid not being a little tired is more important than a once in a lifetime event such as a baptism is just too self centered to ever see your side so don't expect her to come around. Clearly they should come. Really in the big picture does it matter if their child is tired for a few days? No. He will get over it. But, the bad feelings between you all by them not attending will last much longer than the four days or so it takes to get their child back on track.

Your sister in law probably thinks we are all on your side because you posted this, but honestly if you had posted and said you were the one who didn't want to go to a family baptism for the same reasons I would have said IMO you should go because it is much more important than a few days off being tired. Kids are much more flexible than we give them credit for!

Just try to enjoy this for you, you don't have to make any decisions yet about the role they will play in your life because of this, just take it day by day!

Good luck.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

My first gut reaction when I read this is your SIL is jealous of you all...If she is trying to make a statement that they can't do anything "during schedule times" then she is picking the wrong occasion to make her point...




Neve
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[toomanystrollers]

Sounds like SIL is a bit neurotic. Write them off for the day and enjoy your blessing :)

[Melanie]

We also rarely (like 3 times in two years) use sitters (okay, it was my mom), so I do understand your SIL's point of view on that. I also understand your request to ask if at least your brother could come, it doesn't seem to be an unreasonable *request.* Asking you to change the date is unreasonable. Obviously you picked that date and time for a reason, and if you change it to accommodate everyone, you probably won't ever find a time that works.

As a person who doesn't use sitters, we miss things, or we go alone. It is something that we have chosen to do, it is our parenting style and it works for us. If others have a problem with it, it's their problem, not ours. We are not going to change how we parent to accommodate others, and I don't expect them to change their plans to accommodate us. We, however, are not in the lucky position of having an early bedtime (LOL), so it's not an issue with us too often.

I disagree with the other poster who said that not wanting to disrupt her son's schedule is self-centered, but I do think that asking you to change your date for them, IS. Every child is different, and some are very sensitive to changes, some are very flexible. Her son sounds sensitive, so that's how they live their lives. I would *never* sacrifice, what I felt was, my son's health, happiness & well-being to please someone else.

I say just let it go, you've made your request, try to to make any low-blows that you will be sorry for later. Sometimes it is hard to be the bigger person, but she's got to live with what she's said to you, you can just take it with a grain of salt.

[mharling]

I agree with Melanie. I have a theory that life is about priorities and we can't decide what other people's priorities are or judge them for it.

I do understand that you're upset and hurt that they won't be there. You will have a special day regardless; just stay focused on that! :)

http://www.auction-pix.com/katasha/stuff/snowman.gif Mary & Lane 4/6/03

[Momof3Labs]

I also agree with Melanie. They've chosen a parenting style for a reason, and that is their business. But I don't see why at least one of them can't make it to the event - especially since you've told them that it is important to you.

And I agree that it is completely out of line for them to ask you to change the date to accomodate their schedule; this isn't about them, it is about you and baby Kathryn!

[C99]

You can't change your feelings about something. Your emotions are valid, whatever they are.

That said, I don't think you are right in being upset because they won't come because their child needs his sleep. However, I think you are right in being upset that they don't feel the event is important enough for one of them to come. My brother's wife planned their wedding and reception at ridiculous times, with big gaps, and at times that were completely at odds with Nathaniel's sleep schedule. We took him anyway and he was fine that day, but slept horribly for a week afterward. So we said "never again" and he's never been up that late again. If it's a big event, one or the other of us will go.

[rhymeswithfizz]

Does your brother understand how important this is event is to you? I only ask because as a non-religious person, I would have had no idea that a baptism was such a big deal. SIL aside, maybe he just doesn't know how you feel?

[Sarah1]

I completely agree with the others who say YOU ARE TOTALLY REASONABLE!!!

They sound extremely self-centered to me. I wouldn't dream of missing such an event.

[kransden]

Well my child is on a very rigid sleep schedule, otherwise there is awful he## to pay. Sitters that time of night don't work well for us. Unless you have a child like mine, you can't imagine how awful it truely is. So if I was your SIL, I would decline, BUT I would send my DH. I feel part of being an adult and being a parent means we aren't always together. I am sorry she is being so petty on your family's special day.

Karin and Katie 10/24/02