"Well, I guess....don't you have a blanket?"

[farsk]

Hello,

I think I'm mad. I don't know...just confused, I guess, but this is definately a bitching post topic.

As a baby in the 1970's, I was formula fed.....I was started on solids at two weeks....I was given Gerber foods. These are all choices my mother made and I love her dearly....but (I've heard Dr. Phil say that when you say "but", what you really mean is "disregard everything I just said because this is how I really feel) she really drives me crazy sometimes.

Ellen is exclusively breastfed and we have just started solids. I can't mention ANYTHING about breastfeeding to her without her saying "don't say that, you're making me feel guilty". I have tried to explain again and again that she shouldn't feel guilty....they were not given the same info as today, etc.

Today, when we were at lunch, Ellen got hungry and I nursed her at the table, very discreetly (I don't usually use a blanket because I personally think it draws attention to what I'm doing). I said to my mom, "does this look OK?" Her response caught me off guard. I have NIPed at many restaurants, and she has never batted an eyelash, but today we were in a place where a lot of her friends lunch (although only a couple of people we knew were really there). Her reply, "well, I guess...don't you have a blanket? WTF?

And, before she wanted to nurse, I had bananas and some rice cereal that I mix with EBM. We are using Earth's Best because it's organic and because it's what I CHOOSE TO USE WITH MY CHILD. She said, "My DH says there's no way that stuff can be grown without pesticides. Why don't you just use some Gerber". Mind you, I don't have a problem with Gerber, but I prefer to use Earth's Best. Ellen was also making yukky faces (today was her first experience with bananas), which just seamed to add fuel to her fire.

I don't question any of my choices for her. But really, why can she seem to get under my skin?

Thanks for letting me vent!

[pritchettzoo]

She gets under your skin because she's your mom!

And I would have accidentally shot her with a stream of breastmilk and said, "Yikes! I guess I do need a blanket!" :P

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[sntm]

I could have written that post! frustrating, isn't it?

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[houseof3boys]

Shannon I think you are an awesome mommy (really) and you should just take what she says with a grain of salt. You are the one that is more educated (that's the benefit of this century) about what is "the best" for babies based on research and education so just do what you think is right. I am proud of you for NIP and I'm sorry that she doesn't support you 110% in that. I think you are feeling the way anyone would feel if their mom acted like that and you are lucky compared to some of the posts I have read on these boards. Your mom secretly feels guilty since she didn't BF, otherwise I don't know why she would bring it up about feeling guilty.

I wouldn't let her get to you and just consider yourself a highly educated mommy that is doing the best thing for Ellen!

BTW, the earth's best banana doesn't taste that great (I'm Ryan's official taste tester) so try just mashing up a regular banana next time and I'm sure she'll love it. I use Earth's best as my emergency food or my backup food if I'm too lazy to make it! Just got back from Whole Foods and stocked up as a matter of fact. Winter Squash is the food of the day here and there is no way I would make that! :)

[22tango]

HUGS!! Just know that you're choosing to do what's best for you and your baby!! :D

I totally agree with you about the blanket...I always feel like a blanket over my shoulder (which DH always seems to want me to wear) is like putting on a big sign that shouts "Hey Everybody -- I'm BREASTFEEDING!!!!" Without it, I know that I'm so discreet people often think Karenna is asleep!

And BTW, you can tell you mom that Earth's Best is owned by Gerber!

[Melanie]

I third the opinion of the blanket, it definitely screams: "LOOK EVERYONE I AM BREASTFEEDING," wheras otherwise people probably wouldn't give you a 2nd look.

[sntm]

of course, after I say that, I talk with my mom on the phone last night re:teething and she asks about frozen waffles. I tell her we are trying to avoid wheat until 10 months. She starts talking about how when my sister and I were little, she always added time on to when the doctor said we could have things, so I got no eggs until I was a year old, though I probably slipped some to my little sister. And how my sister was BF and I was FF and yet I was always healthier. And the guilt in her voice was palpable... My GM was not very supportive of my mom when she tried to BF me and convinced her that she did not have enough milk.

We talked for a long time about how you do the best you can with the knowledge that's available at the time and what's most important is how you love your kids. It was a good conversation and hopefully will make things easier in the long run. Of course, she's still going to buy him obnoxious electronic toys ;) but we can work with that...

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[starrynight]

*hug* I don't understand why you mom does that, if you complained to her or asked her why she did it maybe I could see her complaining of you making her feel guilty. But just parenting your way infront of her? I'm sorry she made the blanket comment hon. You keep on doing what feels right to you and what you and your dh feel is best for Ellen and you will be happy :). Things were different then, the docs told moms to ff, etc.

I know I will hear the solids comment soon because I'm not starting Eliza before 6 months.She doesn't need it this young and allergies run in the family so I'm waiting.

But I guess I'm one that feels guilty also sometimes when my mom says stuff, but I don't say anything about it to her. I had nothing but horrible problems breasfeeding, I really wanted to, totally support those that do but I just couldn't (or lacked enough support to know how or whatever) but my mom jokes about "well I did it with 2 toddlers and in nursing school" or she actually called me a "brat" for giving up when I was at my whits end. Yup I felt guilty BUT I didn't call her on it. She also occassionally makes comments about me staying home, but in the next breath praises me for being a great mom and having the patience to stay home etc. ???

I think sometimes our moms don't/can't admit we are doing possibly better than they did (partly because there is better info out there, not that they didn't try their best) so they try and make us feel guilty?? I don't know I shouldn't be analyzing anyone on such little sleep LOL.

Sorry this sorta became about me :+ oops

[Melanie]

I'm glad that you had a good talk with her.

[sarahfran]

I'm right there with you. Although my mom's a huge advocate of BFing (she went against the tide--very much a hippy chick), my MIL has been enormously unsupportive of it. We had a lot of trouble getting BFing off the ground in the beginning, but I was really committed and we made it work. Through the tough times, MIL said to DH about a thousand times "I don't understand why you don't just use formula." She's from a very provincial little town and even followed with "all the doctors' wives here use formula. And they should know."

I almost throttled her right there on the spot. My response of "all the doctors I know bf their children" had to be explained... "that's right, I have FEMALE physicians as friends."

Our latest round has been about starting solids. When DS was 4 mos, MIL continually said "oh, I wish I could give him some of this" about whatever she was eating and "I can't wait until you tell me he's on solids." Again, DH literally almost physically restrained me. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I explain the benefits of waiting/BFing to her.

>sigh< the only good thing is that she thinks I'm the DIL from hell and won't call the house (only calls DH on his cell phone).

Hang in there, Shannon! Your virtual support group is here for you!

-Sarah
Mom to Dylan, 8/18/03

Motherhood is such a joy!

[Melanie]

When Ds was less than a month old, we commited the criminal sin of holding up dinner so I could nurse him (actually, we told them to start without us, but they wouldn't). We also got a rocky start to nursing and were still working it out, plus when he did finally get latched on happily he would nurse for 45 minutes. Dh was getting more and more irritated with them for acting like children (his stepfather literally stormed into his office and slammed the door b/c he was so upset that HIS wonderful meal was being held up...again...that was their choice). He snapped at her, "You should remember what it's like to have a baby." I missed that part. Then she comes into the room where we are and says, "Actually Brent I just gave you a bottle and you were happy!" If I'd heard the entire conversation, I would have throttled her. We've yet to have a civil run-in with his stepfather since that night over 2 years ago. He's mad we didn't apologize for ruining dinner.

Both of our mothers are from the 'shove food down them at 2 weeks' set, but my mother knows better than to cross me. His mother is learning. >:)

[JenCA]

I was also a formula-fed baby (my mom never even tried bfing me), but she was extremely supportive of me when I was bfing DD. She cheered me on when we were having difficulties (and there were A LOT of difficulties), and comforted me when I finally threw in the towel when DD turned 3 months. Now, solids are a whole different story. She doesn't understand why we waited so long to start rice cereal (we just started DD on it this past weekend, and she's 5.5 months). I keep telling her that it's because DD's pediatrician told us there's less of a chance of her developing food allergies the longer we hold off. Well..DD has not taken to her cereal very well, and now my mom swears it's because we waited "too long" to start the cereal. She also does not understand why we won't put the cereal in DD's bottle with her formula..and thinks the reply of "it's a choking hazard" is hooey. I just try to keep in mind that things were quite different when I was being raised--and there's so much more knowledge and information available to us these days that our parents weren't privy to. My mom just has a hard time understanding, but I try not to let it get to me. Don't worry about your mom...you're doing what's right for your child and that's what matters!

[Melanie]

Time and time again it seems like I hear stories (or see them myself!) where if we choose to do something different than our parents, then act like we're saying they were bad parents. Frankly, it's kind of condescending, but I always think, "You did what you thought was right, you just didn't know any better." LOL. I wonder what my kids will think!


BTW, Jen, my son didn't have a thing to do with baby food either. Don't worry, they'll eat eventually. For him, it was 11 months when he got a tooth and could crunch into regular foods.

[PJAlama]

as my friend's husband said, "of course your parents can push your buttons: they installed them!"

may i suggest that the moral of the story is, "don't ask for your mom's approval--just do it"?
pauline

[vikivoly]

I have the greatest Mom in the world and she respects me as a mother. She does question some of the newer ideas in baby care, but it doesn't bother me. In 20 + years when we are Grandmas and our babies are Mommies and Daddies I think we'll understand better. When DD comes in with DGD and tells you that you must put her to sleep hanging upside because back sleeping has been proven to cause significant delays in motor skills and adults who were put to sleep on their backs are 10x more likely to develop ulcers because the blood was pooling in the back of their heads causing them to have plagiocephaly and this caused them to have headaches and take more aspirin which ate away at their stomach lining and there neurotic mothers were so afraid that they would die of SIDS they checked on them every 5 minutes...

[Melanie]

LOL!

[parkersmama]

My ILs are similar to this. They don't criticize but they seem to raise their eyebrows at every decision we make. I know they think I'm a freaky CDing, BFing, homemade babyfood making nut. Oh, well. Their problem. At least that's what I try to tell myself. :)

My mother FF me and BF my brother. Although I wish I'd been Bfed, I'm soooo glad that she did Bfeed him because it certainly changed her attitude about it. She has been one of my biggest supporters and has really helped. As far as everything else goes, she knows better than to cross me! LOL!

I agree with the comment that they know how to push our buttons because they installed them! Too funny and so true!

[parkersmama]

Debbi,
Winter squash is really easy! Really, the hardest part is just peeling the skin off. I bake an acorn squash or a butternut squash (washed clean and poked with a fork a few times) for about an hour at 350 degrees, turning once. If a fork pierces the skin easily, it's ready. Wait a few minutes, then cut it in half lengthwise. Allow it to cool until you can touch it without getting burned. Then, scoop out the seeds and discard them. Peel chunks off the skin and puree them (sometimes with a little added water) in a food processor or food mill.

I swear, it's easy! If you're already making other babyfood, this won't be hard. And it tastes *a lot* better than the jarred kind. Sweet and tasty! Yum!