Complaining and in need of advice

[Raidra]

Okay, this is going to be long.. I suppose I don't really need advice, just a place to complain, but if anyone has ideas, great. My husband and I own a condo. We have a 3 month old son, two dogs, and three ferrets. My parents own a house about 45 minutes away from the condo. Both me and my husband and my parents have been having trouble paying bills.. we're all in over our heads. My husband and I also wanted to move closer to my parents' area. Two months ago, we moved in with my parents, with the idea that we would renovate their house into a two family sort of thing. Right now, me, my husband, my son, and my two dogs are crammed into one medium sized bedroom. My fifteen year old sister took over the huge den downstairs as her bedroom, so that our ferrets could stay in her old bedroom (my parents strongly dislike our ferrets, so they couldn't stay in the rest of the house). My parents (whose bedroom we're now living in), moved into a tiny bedroom in the basement.

It had been working out okay at first, but things are starting to deteriorate. My sister had been the center of my mom's world for the past 10 years or so, and now resents the attention my parents give my son. My mother hates the dog hair all over the house and is mad that the ferrets are taking up a whole room. I'm a stay at home mom, and my husband and I agreed that my reason for staying home is to take care of our son, not to clean the house. Neither of us mind things being a bit messy because we know that our son is getting all the attention he needs. My mom feels that since I'm at home, I should not only take care of the baby, do the laundry, do the dishes, and pick up my sister from school (which is always right in the middle of my son's nap) every day, but also vacuum every day, and keep the rest of the house spotless. Oh, and cook every night, too. She had been keeping her mouth shut about the mess pretty well, but today we got in a fight and she told me exactly how she feels about the state of her house.

We haven't sold our condo yet, as it still needs to have some work done on it. We try to get up there to work on it Saturdays and Sundays, but it's very hard for me to bring the baby there, as all of his stuff is here. The past few times, my mother has babysat the baby while my husband and I both go up to the condo. She was supposed to today, but decided that she needed to pay attention to my sister instead. But rather than tell us that last night, so that my husband could go up to the condo early this morning by himself, we ended up having to wait until 11:30 before she told us she couldn't watch the baby. She tells me all the time that we need to sell the condo so that we can split their mortgage, but then didn't understand why I got mad at her for what she did today.

So, between my mom thinking that I'm lazy and that the house is a disaster, and my sister resenting the baby, I'm starting to doubt that we made the right decision. So do we stay here and try to muddle through(the remodeling wont even start for another 8 months)? Or do we move back into our condo and hope we will be able to manage the bills? Or do we sell the condo and move into an apartment in my parents area, even though it means we'd have to give up the dogs? I don't know what to do, and I'm so frustrated.

[egoldber]

Obviously, this is just me and my two cents, so take it for what its worth. But if I were you, I would sit down with DH and take a long, hard look at your budget. Write down all that you spend for two weeks (a month is better, but two weeks will do), and then take a serious look at where you can save. Personally, I would rather eat peanut butter for brakfast, lunch and dinner than live my parents (or my in-laws) but that's me. I would also sit down with a financial advisor or consumer credit counselor. There are places that offer FREE credit counseling advice for people with debt trouble. They can also help you look at your finances.

http://www.nfcc.org/

Also, it sounds like you will be selling your condo and not buying anything else. If you have any equity at all in the condo, make sure you understand the tax implications of that. If you have a large income flow from that equity, you need to be prepared to pay taxes on that. I think you may have up to two years to use that money to buy another place, but if you don't, then you will owe taxes on that income. Also, make sure you consider the tax implications of not having a mortgage payment. For us, the interest on our mortgage payment is by FAR our largest tax deduction.

Frankly, your situation doesn't sound fun. I watched my sister move back home after she had two children (I was also around 15 at the time), and I have to say it was not a good situation for anyone. I know that there are extended family that live together very well, but it sounds like your situation may not be the best one to do that in.

Good luck!!

[Momof3Labs]

I agree with Beth. But if that just doesn't work for you, you need to sit down with your family and draw up a "contract" that lists everyone's expectations (and all have to agree to the terms). So say that you are keeping the house clean for everyone during the week (and describe exactly what that means), and your mom will do x hours of babysitting for you on the weekends, so on and so forth. Perhaps finding a new home for the ferrets (I don't know if this is an option) would be part of the agreement. Be very specific, and try to do it civilly. Bring in an outside neutral party if necessary. Key is that everyone agrees to the terms. You might want the "contract" to also state what you agree will happen after your sell your condo.

You might find out that you can't find a happy middle position and have to go back to plan A - Beth's suggestion.

Good luck, I don't envy your situation!!

[MKH76]

Every one's advice has been great. I guess I just wanted to add that sometimes money problems aren't solved with more money. I think you should also see a financial counselor. We consolidated multiple little debts that for some reason or another were never getting paid off a few years ago and now we are almost home free. It's worth looking into. Good luck.

[Raidra]

Thanks for the advice everyone's given. As far as the ferrets go, they're all older, plus one needs adrenal surgery soon. I have looked into finding homes for them, but since they're older and sick, that wont be happening.

We spend very little money on luxuries. Its very rare that I spend any money at all, as I never have cash and the credit cards are all maxed. My husband occasionally eats out at work, but only once a week or so. The rest of our money goes towards groceries, bills, diapers, etc.

One of our big reasons for leaving the condo is that its so inconvenient. Everything is far away, including our family and friends. Unfortunately, housing is very expensive in my parents' area, so I don't think we'd be able to buy something else here. Who knows..

I know my husband doesn't want to, but I'm seriously considering giving up the dogs, even if we don't move. They're the reason the house is such a mess (they shed A LOT), and frankly, they drive me nuts, too. I do love them, but they constantly wake the baby up with their barking, and he's always covered in dog hair. Of course, my husband will have to be okay with it before we find them a new home, so that might not actually happen.

[MelissaTC]

I can't add anymore to what anyone else has offered here because I think it is all great advice. I, too, would rather eat peanut butter (or worse!) than live with my parents or in-laws. Especially my in-laws. But sometimes you do what you have to. I love my dogs too much to give them up so that would be a problem for me.

You said that you and DH don't mind being a little messy. My DH and I are the same way. My parents, specifically my Mom, are totally the opposite and always have been. When they stayed here over the holidays, we had a bit of clash in that respect. Of course, we won over because it is our house. But I think that you all need to come to some sort of an agreement. I know it is difficult caring for a baby and trying to clean an entire house. Have you ever visited the Flylady website? Perhaps if you are able to make a plan to help with the cleaning, etc.. maybe it would relieve some stress on the situation? Perhaps your Mom used the cleaning to relieve some stress about the mortgage? Like an "earning your keep" kind of thing? I am just speculating here of course! I know that using the Flylady method has helped me get through my cleaning, cooking, etc..

I agree with the previous poster that suggested an agreement of some sort. Perhaps you should ask them what they expect of you and DH? Maybe you can do some light cleaning while DS is napping? You would be surprised how much you can do in 15 minute increments! And of course, crock pot meals are super easy and low maintence. Perhaps you can offer to cook a meal a certain number of times a week. To expect you to do everything is unrealistic. Offer a plan. Maybe it will help?

If it is that stressful, perhaps you should move back to your home. But if you really want to stay, then you need to work out all these issues because you don't want it to ruin your family relationship.

I know this is all kind of muddled and it is just my opinion. I hope it helps... :)

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I wold move back to my little condo in a heart beat if I were you...and I'd make certain not to it during a fight with the parents who have appeared to be pretty gracious to me, they do sound like they adore you so much to make room form pups and ferrets :)...

Leave on great terms...return to your condo...enjoy that is far from everything...45 minutes isn't to bad I don't think...

The dogs is a personal choice I can't advice you there...but dog fur can be vacumed up in a small condo in I bet 1 minute...but again that is a personal choice. There is a "cost" to animals that is for certain...in our case it is well worth it but it is a decision that only you guys can make.

YIKES I HAD TO EDITED MY POST...I DIDN'T HAVE THE WORD "NOT" IN THERE WHICH TOTALLY CHANGES WHAT I MEANT TO SAY...AND WHO AM I TO TELL SOMEONE TO GET RID OF ANYTHING...YIKES NOT NOT NOT WAS MEANT TO BE WRITTEN AFTER "I'M..."

I'm NOT saying get rid of the ferrets but don't assume that folks don't want the old and the sick...I'd do a search on the internet for ferret rescue and go from there IF that is what you decide...:)
Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[mamicka]

Ditto to Neve.

I would move back to the condo ASAP. I love my parents dearly & get along with them really well... but living with them again would have to be the absolute last resort. I'm sure they feel the same.

[miki]

If you go ahead with selling your condo, take a look at http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/p523.pdf for the current IRS rules about how profits from the sale are treated. If you meet certain criteria, you can exclude up to $500,000 as taxable income on a joint return. The two year rule for rolling over your profit to another house is an old rule.

[lizajane]

i would sell my house and move in with my parents before i sent schuyler to daycare. not because daycare is bad- it is a great choice for many. but because it is not MY choice. but my parents have a pretty big house, a fenced in yard (i have two dogs) and i get along REALLY well with them. however, i would NEVER EVER EVER move into my inlaws' 3 bedroom ranch. they are wonderful people, but wow, i would never move in with them.

here is my suggestion to making it work at their house, if that is what you need to do:

put your parents back in their room. they may feel like they have lost control over their own house, especially after being "kicked out" of their own room.

put your sister back in her room. let her live upstairs with your parents, so that "their family" is a unit again.

you and dh move into the downstairs den. you said it was huge- perfect for you and your dogs and all of ds's stuff that can get messy and in the way to people who don't currently have a baby.

move ds into the tiny basement bedroom (especially if it is on the same floor as the downstairs den) then "your family" will be a unit.
mom, dad and sister on one floor, you, dh, ds and pets on another floor.

i think i would say give the ferrets to a rescue. their health is important, but it sounds like you need to focus your finances on your family right now instead of the required surgery. i say that with a slice of hypocrisy because i love my dogs like children. but DH and i agree that we would not treat them medically if it would compromise the quality of life of our pets. (although we would treat them for an expensive procedure if it made them "good as new" while they are still young.)

finally, i would talk to your sister. i would treat her like a grown up, in hopes that the respect you give her will encourage her to contribute more to the household. she could play with ds for an hour while you tidy or cook. she could vacuum. she could take the dogs on a walk. she could cook a meal once per week. when i was 15, my brother was 5 and my sister was at college. i did all of those things. it was just what my family did.

oh- and could you rent the condo for 6 months to a year, so that you could save some $ and then have the ease of moving right back into your own place without having to shop real estate or throw money away on rent/taxes when you sell it?

good luck. i am sorry you are in a bad spot.

[SeekerMage]

I have to agree with everything said here!

It sounds like you need a little rearranging on the situation. I would give your parents and sister back their rooms and take over the den and basement. You said there is a bedroom in the basement...well is there other space that you could perhaps set up as a living type room...or even the den, can you make that into your living space that they wouldnt care what it looked like? since its not "their room" that would be messy. Even if the bedroom in the basement is small, I would cram both you, hubby, and DS in there just for sleeping and make the den into a living room type room with all his toys, perhaps a tv, furniture etc etc since there appears to be more space to move around in I would make it a room you as a family could be in so your not in your parents "living room." This way you have your own home aside from theirs even if it is small.

As far as the dogs...is there any way to get them groomed, hair trimmed etc to make the shedding less? And the ferrets, thats a tough one but given the situation of them needing a whole room and surgery which will be another bill I would look into finding a new home for them. There are a lot of no-kill shelters and if Im not mistaken even organizations for ferrets that you can look into. As much as it would break your hearts, its something to look into, if anything as one less expense (food, grooming, bedding etc)

I also agree that you should talk to your sister...maybe she needs a little one on one time. MAybe she feels left out and wants to help with DS as well? Heck even having your mom babysit on weekends and letting her help with the remodel might be good for her. You never know unless you ask.

Also renting out the condo is a good option. As far as the remodel goes, Im sure you can get away with a bare minimum and still have it rented out at a good price. Heck you can possibly even see if the renters will do some of the work for money off the rent etc.

Lastly, I agree with sitting down and making a contract up with your parents and sister as well. make it written, make a memo board with chores if you have to. I agree with having a messy house but happy kids as well. But my parents are just the opposite so there would be no living with them just like your situation. Before you do this, see what things you can do to make your parents happy. What chores can you get done in the say fifteen minutes DS takes a nap? Perhaps you can wash and dry the clothes but have your sister help with the folding. Get a big basket to put all DS toys in and when he is napping put them all back in (if they are upset with them being all over the place)....or start dinner, for a few times a week. If you cant cook every night, what about two or three out of five. Look into crock pot recipes, or plan ahead menus that you can get together in one day that just have to be heated to eat. This can also be something to have your sister to help with. It does sound like she is feeling left out, not just upset with the lack of attention, it might also strengthen your relationship with her as well. THere are lots of things you can do if you just sit down and discuss it. Get your feelings out in the open and work out a deal, then try hard to stick to it within reason. It should hopefully make for a better living situation!
Well if you are still reading...good luck! I know communication is the key to makeing things work, I hope you can find a good middle ground to make a better living situation.

[Raidra]

Thanks again for all the advice!

I hadn't thought of us moving into the basement.. we originally took the upstairs because it will eventually be ours, and because there's no bathroom in the basement, so we'd have to come upstairs to make bottles in the night. But now that I think about it.. it might be a good solution. We had sort of come to the conclusion that we'd try to find the dogs a home with one of our friends (NOT drop off at a shelter.. I couldn't do that). Although keeping them in the basement with us wouldn't fix my issues with the dog hair, I'm sure it'd fix my parents' problems with it.

The only problem with that idea is my sister.. she's really made the den her own.. painted it dark colors and everything. I suppose she might be willing to move back up here.. we'll have to see.

Luckily, Colwyn's napping might be improving. He managed to sleep for an hour in his crib this morning while I got ready to take him out to a mother's group (which, btw, was a blast).

Anyways, thanks again for all your help!

[jesseandgrace]

Hi. I totally agree that you have to give your parents back their space. It just seems like they have had to give up way too much in this without really getting anything. I would venture to guess that is why your mom wants you to take on some things like cooking and cleaning and picking up your sister. It would balance the situation a little more if you took on some of the chores. But, since you said you don't really have the time, I think you need to find another way like giving them back their space. Or, sell that condo asap and start paying your portion of the bills. It sounds like you are very lucky to have parents who would take you in and move in to the basement for you. I think with a little work you guys can make this work, but it has to benefit everyone and from the above post it seems like your parents are just getting the raw end of the deal, or at least they feel this way. Good luck, I think you guys will work it out.

[kransden]

For the bottles - make them up before you go to bed and put them in a little cooler with an ice pack. Get a cheap microwave or a bottle warmer for your room.

Karin and Katie 10/24/02