A delicate question... when will my sex life return to normal?

[jenji30]

I don't mean to be overly personal, but I'm really upset and I don't know where else to turn. Prior to having a baby, my sex life was perfectly satisfying -- fun, adventuresome, and passionate. (Though my DH would say not often enough!) My DD is almost 6 months now, and things have never gotten back on track.

The biggest problem is that, well, it hurts. It's difficult for me to get enthusiastic about engaging in an activity that is still painful after all these months. I am also uptight the whole time, anticipating pain, while my DH is nervous about hurting me and feeling inadequate that I am not enjoying sex. After each attempt, I lie in bed wondering:

(a) Will it ever feel good again?
(b) Do I just need to keep practicing?
(c) How will this affect our other intimacy?

Sleep deprivation is not a problem, as DD has been sleeping through the night for a couple months now. So I can't blame exhaustion for my disinterest.

It is definitely affecting the rest of our interactions -- I feel like we aren't affectionate or intimate in other ways either. We don't hold hands or kiss on the couch anymore. Instead, we argue over the dirty dishes and fall asleep watching TV.

I realize I sound like a cliche, so I'll stop rambling and focus on my main concern. I miss my old sex life -- it was fun. It felt good. It brought us close together. Now it just gives me anxiety and discomfort. I feel bad for not having sex more often with my DH, but the experience is so negative and it is nearly impossible for me to feel even slightly aroused.

Is it just the long-lasting effects of giving birth? Is it a hormonal issue from breast-feeding? I apologize for the personal nature of this inquiry, but I would really appreciate any insights from the rest of you. I think sex is an important part of a marriage and I want ours to return to being a fulfilling element.

[C99]

This is a good question. Many of my mommy friends have brought up this subject IRL. You are not alone in this. Since this is a public message board, I don't feel comfortable discussing this here. However, I will say this: it is a side-effect from breastfeeding and two things that help are: lube, lube, lube and practice, practice, practice!

[sntm]

one other thing -- talk to OB-GYN & consider estrogen cream.

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[AngelaS]

Breast feeding/hormones do make it a bit more of a challenge. When they're food sources, it's hard to let someone else view them as sexual objects.... Not to mention that the hormones are NOT in your dh's favor....

The good news is...it WILL get better. Try hard to think about your dh during the day and remember what it used to be like. Invest in a big tube of KY or your lube of choice and rekindle the flame. :D

[bluej]

Caroline said it all. And rest assured, it will get better. Since you are already tense and expecting it to still hurt, that isn't helping matters. A glass of wine may help in that area.

[Momof3Labs]

Also have your OB look for granulation tissue (scar tissue that didn't heal properly).

[billysmommy]

This sounds like I could have written it up until a month ago. On DS's 8 month b-day :) I got my period back (sad and happy :)) Since then sex has gotten MUCH better :) I was really amazed at the difference, almost night and day (I am still nursing also)
Hope is on the way :)

[mik8]

I second to the wine! :)
Third, lube.

[Rachels]

Another nod to estrogen! It helps tremendously with the pain. Hang in there-- this is normal.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[Gayletmomto4]

I do think it is mostly hormonal and when you are finished bf it will get sooo much better. In the meantime, however, I agree with the wine and lubricant (I like Astroglide better than k-y). I might add that being on top can also help as it tends to lessen the anticipation of pain and gives you more control. Hang in there!

[ethansmom]

Shannon,

Any idea if the estrogen cream is safe to use while BF?

[Rachels]

I can answer that, having used an est-ring. It is. The amount of estrogen is tiny and gets absorbed by the tissues locally, but won't even be detectable in your bloodstream. There's no effect on your supply, either. It makes a world of difference.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[sntm]

just like rachel said, the systemic absorption is minimal and the dosing is small. if you were having severe supply problems, i might not chance it, but should be fine o/w.

my ob-gyn is also a BFing new mom and says she now brings it up with all of her postpartum patients, particularly those who are BFing. sounded like she was speaking from personal experience also!

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[lisams]

So do you need a prescription for the estrogen cream? Is it something you use daily and are there any side effects? That's great that your dr. brings this up, sometimes you (at least I do) feel awkward mentioning things like this.

Lisa

[sntm]

you need a prescription. it is the same that they give to post-menopausal women (basically, the problem is vaginal tissue atrophy (thinning and weakening) due to low estrogen levels.) goes by lots of names -- Premarin is a common one.

you use a very small amount of cream about 3 times a week. you may see improvements using it less often as well.

i made an appt specifically for this, as i was worried about granulation tissue at my tear site at 6 months.

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[american_mama]

I think this is a great topic because marriage - sex, intimacy, routines, communication, all of it - is so different after a baby. I know of one woman who had a lot of pain with sex after childbirth. She found a lot of help by going to what she laughingly called "gynecological physical therapy," which her doctor recommended. They used perineal exercises, biofeedback, even internal weights to increase the strength and flexibility of her perineal muscles and tissues. Sounds like a little known medical expertise that could help a lot of women.

Also, there is a women's health reference book called "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" from Christiane Northrup, MD which talks about where to buy these internal weights and different kinds of lubricating jelly. There are ones made from kiwi, ones that transmit heat well, ones with no taste or smell, lots of options. Don't give up if KY jelly turns you off.

[Sarah1]

OK, this IS personal, but I think this is a really important issue and it helps to hear other's experiences--here's my experience:

I didn't feel like things really got "fun" :) again until I'd finished BFing (arout 7 mos). I just never was really that interested. Part of me just felt like a milking machine--not sexy.

Also, I'm not sure if anyone's mentioned this, but you can buy a "personal lubricant" in the drugstore called Astroglide (a friend recommended this to me). It was a *lifesaver* the first few months. I highly recommend it!

Things will get better...but it does take an effort. Like I said, for me, things were MUCH improved after weaning. Nursing definitely affected my libido. I can say with ALL honesty, that right now (DD is about 15 mos), things are better than they've ever been--so there is hope!

Sorry if this is TMI for anyone :)

[jennifer13]

Just another vote for astroglide!!!! Much better than K-Y, makes all the difference.

Jennifer
Mom to Norah 5/23/03