I am tired of defending myself!

[farsk]

Hello Everyone!

I am a researcher by nature. I will hunt and hunt until I find the information that I'm looking for and have decided I have made the best decision with the information that is available. But I'm tired of defending everything!

I have a co-worker, (Ms. "are you still nursing? well you won't when she gets teeth!), who, after I told her that we were using organic food for Ellen replied "why? what's wrong with gerber?" So I tell her about organic produce....no pesticides.....etc.....thinking she really wants to hear, but instead she gets very defensive (I guess her babies ate gerber.....again, not that it isn't great, we just choose not to use it.)

I think I just need to shut up and smile and nod....unfortunately, that's not in my nature.

Thanks for listening (reading!)

[vikivoly]

I think one of the biggest challenges of being a parent is "defending" your parenting choices. It's a shame that we have to, but unless you can just shut up and nod (I can't either), you do. Everyone who is a parent considers themself an expert, and there are a lot of parents out there!

I do find that if it's someone I don't particularly care what they think, I try to just shut up and nod. Or say something like, "Oh, maybe I'll give that a try" or "I never looked at it that way". This usually brings the conversation to an end faster than explaining the benefits of organic food, etc.. If it's a close family member I will go into the explanation of why if I think they will keep bringing it up. I parent a lot differently than my family, but they all respect me and realize what a research hound I am. They still question, but they usually let it go when I throw a bunch of stats and facts at them.

[rhymeswithfizz]

I own horses, and I swear, ALL horse people are like this too. There's even a saying for it -- "The horse world... two people, three opinions." It's amazing my horses are still alive with all of the "wrong" things I do to them. I too do all the research I can and get tired of defending my decisions about my "horsey kids".

We're expecting our first human baby in just two weeks now... I hadn't even thought about the fact that there are a heck of a lot more kid-people in the world than there are horse-people who will want to shove their opinions and judgements down my throat! Ah well, Smile and nod, smile and nod... :)

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

That has been the toughest part of being a mother is others opinions. I always word my preferences carefully "this works for us, this is what we do etc..." BUT I never would give someone unsolicited advice, and lordy I get it all day long. But I deteste "no it alls" in general, and usually peek under those covers and realize that I think they are trying to cover for their own problems and actually laugh that they don't appear to know more than I do...

TWICE I have been around gals in a store who honest to god don't even know my name but know I frequent those stores...they'll ask if T is my first...do I want others...am I trying...in both of these circumstances when I said "yes trying"...and "planning on adopting" these two strangers said "OHHHH don't do that...keep trying"...UMMMM we are trying (a lot actually) and we still plan to adopt no matter how that turns out!!!! But who are they to crinkle up their noses and say "don't do that"...

I kid you not I was at a Christmas party right after the Earth Quake in Iran...I guess the topic du jour in the paper was orphans left from the quake. I was telling a gal we are adopting from Ukraine and I swear she said "Don't go there...go to Iran!!!!"...UMMMM...I actually told her (while swigging my vino) "We're going ot Ukraine...why don't you go to Iran" (who to my knowledge doesn't have an adoption program with us anyway...) Can you imagine...

I cringe when folks speak like there is only one way to do things...I am like you I have a tough time nodding and moving on :)

Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[papal]

I hear you! Having a baby suddenly entitles the whole world to give you uncalled for advice and unwanted opinions! It is SO irritating and drives me crazy... I was like you and had to keep explaining and defending my choices. Most of the time the other person did not really care for the dialogue. Now i just nod my head and agree and hope they go away.

Rashmi
(mom to Leela, born 10.17.03)

[sntm]

I;m exactly the same way. I can't just nod and smile -- I feel like I am doing a diservice by pretending to agree, particularly when it comes to things like babies sleeping through the night (since they are the exception not the rule, yet this myth is perpetuated to the point that we feel like failures when our kids don't sleep!)

My strategy is to act as though my POV is the natural one and answer questions with a question (worked on psych, should work here.)
"You are still nursing him?"
"Of course, why not?"
"Well, it's weird."
"Why is it weird?"
"What if he remembers?"
"Why would that be bad?"
etc.
I also quote statistics and if they aren't convinced, who cares? AT least I was true to my beliefs.

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[brigmaman]

Shannon, that is great! I will have to remember to do that next time. Last week my best friend's sister-in-law told me that I had to get Brig out of my bed (we co-sleep) or he would have major problems when he was older (attachment, separation, independence issues). I could tell she was talking out her ear and had no actual knowledge of the subject, but I still had nothing to say! I just nodded. I am not good on the spot like that.
Next time, though!!

[KMommie]

YES! What is it about everyone thinking that it's their business how you raise YOUR child.

I also have had the gerber question asked, several times... Of course, I've also had the inane. "How come you use Pampers, I don't know anyone else who uses Pampers. Everyone uses Huggies, what do you have against Huggies?" Like, just because I chose another brand, I must hate all others? This was my MIL, can you imagine if I was CD-ing!!! :P

Whew! Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only frustrated mommy out there!

Jeannie
mommy to Kiki 4/18/03

[houseof3boys]

It's not in my nature to shut up and smile either so I can empathize here. If I was still working I could hear myself having the conversation with someone just like the one at your office. You are nice about it, I tend to snap so I would probably say something snippy to her. Hmmm, something like "You do realize that I am Shannon the research qeen, right? When have you not known me not to research the heck out of something and make a decision based on that?" Since she knows your personality of research (I assume she does since it's part of your personality) queen she should know that you will find an answer for everything. Like if you get bitten when nursing, like why pesticide free is best, like when to start solids, et cetera. If she gets defensive again, say "maybe that wasn't around when you had your baby but there is a ton of info at your fingertips on the internet and I have alot of friends that are into this too (the boards!)".

She obviously irritates you, so I would want to nip her future comments.

Good luck!!

[shamajim]

Hi!
I know exactly what you mean about snippy unsolicited advice/comments/opinions. I tend to get defensive and annoyed sounding when this happens, esp when it comes from family members (which happens alot. Most of these people don't know much about the latest findings.) Anyway, I haven't tried this yet, but I have decided the next time someone makes a comment, I am going to respond with something like "Well, everyone makes their choices for a reason" if that fits the situation. I figure then you are neither putting down their choice nor giving the explanation for yours.
Shama
mom to Garrett 11/21/02

[khakismom]

With people like this, I have found that the best thing to do is to not engage in defending yourself at all. It seems like the more you try to discuss and defend yourself, the bigger hole you dig yourself into with them. They just keep coming at you. When they say stuff like this, I usually look at people like I can't believe they said that and mention something about it not being any of their business. They usually get the hint and shut up. I mean the idea that people who don't know you would ask you if you are trying for a baby--like what Neve explained happened to her--is APPALLING to me! That is one of the most personal decisions a person can make and what business is it of theirs?

[etwahl]

i'm reading everyone's stories and nodding furiously. this is my biggest pet peeve. i never question someone's parenting methods or styles. who am i to question. if they ask me a question, i answer, but i don't ever just start giving my opinion or questioning why they are doing something.

and it drives me crazy when people do this to me. this one woman does this to me all the time. is she still in your bed? are you still nursing? we didn't buy one of those high chair covers - we figure he's going to get the germs anyway. when discussing that my child doesn't like the carseat much, "you just need to let her cry." or when she asked if she was sleeping through the night "you just need to let her cry." it drives me crazy!!! and it just makes me spend a lot less time with this person. i don't need to hear my parenting decisions questioned all time. we have friends who don't do this to us, why would we want to spend time with people who do? luckily our family has quit with this stuff, but maybe that's because they live so far away?! maybe that's not a bad thing :)

Tammy,
Mom to Lauren Genevieve
03/12/2003
www.evantammy.com