Should I put my foot down?

[votre_ami03]

First off, I love my mom dearly, she is awesome & she is a great help with Nolan. She watches Nolan 4 days a week while I work for no charge.

Here is the problem, we disagree on how & what to feed Nolan. I pack food for him, fruit, veggies, cereal & just recently baby cracker type things. I keep reminding her that his main source of food is still BM & anything else is just an extra, I am not overly concerned if he doens't eat baby food. She is constantly feeding him snacks, basically anything she can find. She about gave me a heart attack the other day when she told me she gave him Trix (cereal). She meant Kix, but I don't think that is much better. He is only 6 mos old! We go round & round on this. Her reply is "babies have been eating blah, blah, blah for 100's of years & they are all fine" or "I fed you two _____ & you are both fine". AGHHHH!


Christy, mommy to Nolan 7/22/03

[mamahill]

It could be that when you contradict her methods, she views it as criticizing the way she mothered. I'm not saying what she is doing is right, but that might explain why she gets defensive. The fact is, you're the mom. These are the things YOU should be deciding. Yeah, kids used to be given meat at a month old, but we've made significant discoveries in infant health since then. They used to also drive around with kids, unrestrained, in the front seat. Granted an infant's diet isn't a matter of law, but still.

Maybe try gently telling her that you would really like the main source of nutrients to be the BM, and that these little snacks detract from a full feeding. Make sure she knows how much you appreciate her, but also make sure she knows that this is very important to you. There will be plenty of time later on for him to hit grandma for the "good stuff" - but right now you need to put your foot down.

[KMommie]

I hear you, Christy! I've also had to defend the way I'm feeding/not feeding DD. She wanted to feed DD Fruit Loops as her first cereal! MIL keeps telling me, "You know, we were all fed ______." MIL last week said to me, "Kiki's behind, isn't she in eating." I was puzzled, because I feel that she's been eating since birth! I went through the paces of how to feed an allergic baby, I spoke of time tables, I threw in my ped's name, told her all a baby needs the first year is bm or formula to be healthy, said, "does she look malnourished?, all of this to no avail. At the end, she said, When does she get to have meat? How's she going to get protein and iron? Like, meat is the be all end all of foods. Forgetting that there's a whole lot of vegetarians out there that seem to do JUST FINE without meat. Of course, this woman also believes that formula is a drink, and DD must be STARVING, because she's not "eating" food. I feel your frustration.

I don't have much advice to give you. You know your relationship with your mom the best. What you can say to her, and what she will actually follow through on... etc. Maybe you can give her some additional information about nutrition? Also, I've used with my MIL, "This is what DH and I have chosen as parents, maybe we'll be giving baby #2 steak when they're 8 months old, but for now, this is what we are doing, please support it."

Jeannie
mommy to Kiki 4/18/03

[lmariana]

I had similar issues with my family as well. I just put all the "blame" on my pediatrician, saying that the doctor said no ________ until ___________. In the case of my father, I had to tell him not to feed my 6 mo. old whipped cream!!! Fortunately, I caught him before the cream got passed my son's lips...

Mariana
Mother of Gabriel, 08/14/2003

[amp]

I agree with Sarah. She might feel defensive because she thinks you're questioning her mothering skills. Let her know you think she did a fine job and that a lot has been learned since then and that your ped/reading/whatever, has led you and your DH to do things a certain way. Then I would put my foot down. YOU are the parent, and although she certainly doesn't mean any harm, I'd make sure you address this. It might be something more important the next time. Good luck!

[deborah_r]

I think you've gotten some good advice already. I just wanted to add that I just do not GET why people are so hurried to get a baby to eat! They are going to eat all their lives, they are only a baby for a short time. My MIL is awesome, love her so much, but when DS was really little she would keep talking about giving him food, and the whole cereal in his bottle thing - which was when I wasn't really giving him bottles and I don't really give him bottles now so I can't remember why this was ever suggested. But she didn't push it at all, and was totally receptive to the new information. But now that he is a little older she'll think that he "wants" what she is eating. He doesn't even know what it is, how can he want it?

She's always been the same way with our dog too, if you can believe that - she'll want to give him some of what she is eating because he is begging and she can't stand to deny him food! He sees her coming a mile away, don't you know, and saves up his most pathetic begging faces for her. If we tell her he can't have it, she *apologizes* to the dog for not being able to give it to him.

I think it's some kind of nurturing mother instinct to stuff everyone full of food. Like when you ask someone 5 times if they want something, even though they've said no. I just hope I don't start getting the urge to do this!

[McQ]

I would put my foot down. I'd be nice about it but would let her know that while I appreciated all her help, that _____ is the food you want Nolan on. Nice, but firm.

Allison
~ mommy to Declan 3.24.03

[deborah_r]

FRUIT LOOPS AS HER FIRST CEREAL!!!! Obviously she is not getting the whole meaning of the "first cereal" phrase. You're looking for single grain and she's looking for multiple sugars! Egads, why not just skip straight to rock candy???

Jeannie, your MIl seriously wins the prize! Are you sure she's not just trying to irritate you? Formula is a drink??? Oh, your poor thing!

[doubleL]

I hear you! I really do!! It sounds like all of our mothers are the same in this respect. But I would say, that since you have such a great relationship with her to try NOT to make this into a big deal with big feet. Many rules and shoving loads of nutrition literature down her throat would simply NOT go over well with MY mother. If she hears a thousand rules and justification, she will literally hear.. blah blah blah blah you have no respect for the way I'm taking care of my grandson. Anyway, let's face it, you're not there and she's probably going to continue to do it anyway.

Try to let some of this go. Pick 2 or 3 things that you won't tolerate. Like mom, "Absolutely no ground beef and table sugar, OK!" Or, "Mom, please only 2 small snacks a day!" I think she will hear you better if it is short and sweet.

Little Nolan will be fine if he is being taken care of by loving family. The example that YOU set at YOUR house will ultimately be the one he respects.

It's funny we got so many treats at my grandmother's house that we would never have gotten at home. We totally understood the difference. Now it's at my mother's house. And we get our turn later :)

Good luck!!!!

Lou
~David 5.01
~Elisabeth 6.03

[sntm]

Definitely put your foot down. You are his mom and you will be the one dealing with his allergies/digestive problems/obesity issues in the future which may potentially result from inappropriate foods.

Try reinforcing to her that you don't think she did a bad parenting job at all, especially because we didn't know then what we know now, but ask her doesn't she want Nolan to benefit from what we know now? Doesn't she want better than "fine" for her precious grandson?

Start the discussion the way you usually do, and maybe even insist that your mom keep written records of what he eats. Tell her she needs to respect you as his mother and if she can't do that, then maybe the arrangement you have isn't working out. Go ahead and be emotional about it -- let her know how much this bothers you.

And Kix are all corn (highly allergenic) so not much better at this age!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[votre_ami03]

Thank you all. You have given me some very good suggestions & stories too!

I cringed the other week when she tried to sneak a lick of a lollipop to him & asked if he could have jell-o. Why not just give him straight sugar, mom?


Lou, You are right, she will do it any way. She was supplying my nephew w/bottles at her house until he told his parents "Nana has bottles at her house". lol

Christy, mommy to Nolan 7/22/03

[deborah_r]

OK, here's where I admit I let DS lick a grape lollipop the other day. Several times. DH encouraged me, it wasn't all my fault!

But I'm his mom, so I get to do things like that!!! :)

[votre_ami03]

*lol* Deborah.

We were all outside together & my mom did this sneakily. I wouldn't of even noticed had she not said "uh oh, mommy caught us!". My mom is a goof ball. As Lou said though, he is definitely getting lots of love there! She loves Nolan as much as I do & she could be a better Nana.


Christy, mommy to Nolan 7/22/03

[doubleL]

I was just checking in to see how many flames I was getting. And to reassure anybody that I AM assuming your mom isn't giving your son anything really harmful or allergenic. With my mom, my big rule was no peanuts or peanut products before age 2. Seemed simple enough to me, but it was a doosey. AND I was bringing soy nut butter over to her house as needed. I sincerely hope you and your mom figure something out.

[votre_ami03]

*lol* No flames. You were honest. :)

I simply said please try your best to feed him the foods I have provided for you. She said she will. Although he did have some chicken & dumplings on V-day this w/e. *lol* We were all to blame there.


Christy, mommy to Nolan 7/22/03

[votre_ami03]

*lol* No flames. You were honest. :)

I simply said please try your best to feed him the foods I have provided for you. She said she will. Although he did have some chicken & dumplings on V-day this w/e. *lol* We were all to blame there.


Christy, mommy to Nolan 7/22/03