I am sick and tired of not being able to share...

[flagger]

Gosh it just chaps my hyde that we cannot share certain accomplishments in Cocoa'a life without someone getting all defensive. How we parent is not better or worse than any other parenting style. We do what works for us.

Just because our baby was sleeping through the night from eight weeks on does not make our friend who is struggling with a "never sleeper" or "horrible napper" is a BAD parent and needs to defend their parenting style. I hate that we cannot share certain important milestones without someone else feeling guilty, but I guess it is just the way it is.

We have been blessed with a great napper and fantastic sleeper. It doesn't mean that everything is perfect in our house, but it does mean for the most part we are all well rested. It doesn't make us superior to anyone else either.

I met a woman whose daughter is about three weeks older than Cocoa and never crawled. She just went right to cruising and walking. I don't feel any less worse about the child we have. I am also not currently having to deal with an infant who looks like a boxer because of the constant falls. That will come soon enough I am sure.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

Flagger, while I have not really been effected by this I absolutely know what you mean by comments etc... I have seen in public or have experienced. I do find it funny how new parents seem to look at any conversation as comparing etc...

It does stop at some time we know for now the milestones are few and far between but can you imagine when they are 7 if everyone compared how many jump rope jumps Johnny could take, or how many potatoe chips he eats for lunch...I guess then it will switch to education...I don't know, but like I've said many times when I see a new mom I swear I want to speak to them but lately just keep my big mouth shut...I mean I fear anything said could be taken the wrong way...




Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[lisams]

My DD is a HORRIBLE sleeper, and I think it's great that others have good sleepers (although I'm a tinge jealous ;), but never take it personally!). Of course DD is and always has been great at breastfeeding while I feel so bad when I see other moms struggling with nursing. I agree, no one is perfect and it should be okay to share our (and our babies') strengths and weaknesses! Somehwere along this journey I have learned not to worry so much about what others think and just be happy with this wonderful little person I am so lucky to have (even when she decides to wake up 4 times at night)!

Lisa

[lynettefrancois]

I'm happy to hear about others' triumphs!
Mine is a good sleeper, but bad latcher- It took us 2 months to learn to breastfeed! And, to everyone's amazement she's been able to support her own weight on her legs from one month, but I'm thinking she'll never crawl with those little arms! :)

I am happy to hear the accomplishments of other people's children- Every kid has things they learn faster and slower- same with adults. ;) And it has no relation to ability; don't forget Einstein was considered a "slow learner" as a child! Apparently some folks sometimes forget that we're all supposed to be different, and that's what makes the world an interesting and beautiful place to live. Please keep sharing!

[Vajrastorm]

Some babies sleep. Others don't sleep as easily or as long. How is that an accomplishment?

In any event, there ARE a lot of people who see a baby's sleep habits as a direct reflection of the parenting. You need to undestand other people's defensiveness in this context.

[flagger]

>Some babies sleep. Others don't sleep as easily or as long.
>How is that an accomplishment?

I said certain accomplishments not just sleeping. The point is in this post in the BITCHING FORUM that I am tired of not being able to share those accomplishments and milestones without someone getting their feelings hurt. I shouldn't have to feel I need to stifle my excitement of passing of ANY milestone.

>>In any event, there ARE a lot of people who see a baby's sleep habits as a direct reflection of the parenting.<<

If your example holds true, then there are parents who consider getting their child to sleep through the night as a MAJOR accomplishment.

[flagger]

> Apparently some folks sometimes forget that we're all
>supposed to be different, and that's what makes the world an
>interesting and beautiful place to live. Please keep
>sharing!

Right on. We have become so concerned not hurting someone's feelings that we become people who are are not. It reminds me of certain classrooms that stopped giving grades or baseball teams of young children that didn't keep score because they didn't want to damage some poor child's self-esteem. Whatever happened to wanting to strive to something better. (AND I AM NOT SAYING A GREAT SLEEPER IS BETTER)

I don't want my DD growing up in a world of homogenized sameness.

[Vajrastorm]

Maybe my point was missed? Obviously, yes some people see it as an accomplishment. This is *why* people with "bad sleepers" can be touchy - there is often a message from others that sleep habits are a reflection on the parents, and if someone has a baby who doesn't sleep well, then it is the parents' fault.

I'm not saying that you are judging others. Or that you should stifle your excitement. Be excited! Thats so much of the fun of parenting - being excited by our children. I was simply trying to explain that everything occurs within a context.

Parenting is tough. People judge each other so horribly. (Again, not pointing fingers at this board, just at the world at large)

[flagger]

Since when does a post in the bitching forum need an explanation? I thought the entire purpose of this forum was to vent not for seeking validation for one's feelings. If I wanted advice or an explanation, I would have asked for it.

[Bethann31]

While I agree with almost every point you have made here, I have to differ with you on keeping score on teams of young children. I have a 9 year old son who has played several different sports. Here, the Youth Soccer Association has a rule that no team with children under 10 years old is allowed to keep score. I have actually reported coaches for making a big deal about the score to children on teams of kids who are under 6 or under 8. At this point, they need to be learning the rules, how to get along with others and how to be good sports, not how to kick other's butts. I firmly believe that not keeping score is a very good thing for young children. On his basketball team, they do keep score. Everyone knows who scores the most, but every child plays. That's the rule.

I can't for the life of me understand why a 6, 7 or 8 year old needs to be competitive in sports, but that's only my opinion.


Beth
mom to 3 (13, 11 and 9) and then 1 more (06/04/03)

[flagger]

We will have to agree to disagre with that one. I have never believed in every child playing to be a good thing. Some kids are just better athletes than others. Some kids got picked last to play and some kids never played at all.

[nohomama]

If you want to share, by all means DO. Nobody but you is preventing you from doing so. Take resposiblity for how you feel (defensive) and let others take resposiblity for how they feel (judged). There is a vast difference between being sensitive to the feelings of others and being mute.

[Vajrastorm]

>Since when does a post in the bitching forum need an
>explanation? I thought the entire purpose of this forum was to
>vent not for seeking validation for one's feelings. If I
>wanted advice or an explanation, I would have asked for it.

LOL. Calm down. I'm not asking you for explanations or even really giving advice. I was commenting. *shrug*

Sorry to have stepped foot in your territory. I see the error of my ways.

[Melanie]

Oh do I DETEST the comparing. It's hard not to do, even mentally I think, and people just don't get it that when you are talking positively about something in your life it has nothing to do with something they may think you are construing as negative in their life.

EXCEPT - then there are the bad apples that spoil it for the bunch, aren't there? I have a friend who's child is no where near the same age as our son but asked how old Ds was when he started walking and said something like "I don't know, DS, I think DD is going to raise the bar on that one. She's going to be walking really soon" right TO HIM. I was LIVID, I don't think Ds even undestood that nasty comment thank goodness. She was obviously unable to just be joyful about her child alone and wanted her to be "Better" than someone.(And how nasty am I that I an enjoying the fact that Ms. Mother was WRONG - kid is still not walking.)

/end my rant and just saying ITA.

[Melanie]

>In any event, there ARE a lot of people who see a baby's
>sleep habits as a direct reflection of the parenting.

I definitely got that impression many times from other people but never understood it.

[millerpjm]

Flagger, I know exactly what you mean.... and I have a special situation that makes the whole "comparing babies" thing even worse....

DS is the first grandbaby for my parents and DH's parents. However, on DH's side, his sister had a baby boy 12 days after us. So, as you can imagine, every time one baby does something, they all ask to see if the other baby is doing it too (sleeping, rolling, teething, crawling, walking....) In addition, we have different parenting sytles, since we have different babies with separate personalities, so they compare our parenting styles and choices also...how we're feeding them, how much they weigh, CIO versus picking them up. Now, DS was a very good baby, as far as sleeping, and has been doing most of the "firsts", including walking at 9 1/2 months (the little stinker - I bet I've lost 5 pounds chasing after him:) and DS's cousin has been cruising but not walking on his own. They also notice how DS is a good 3-5 pounds lighter than his cousin. So, even though I know I have a happy, energetic little boy, sometimes I think they see DS and skinny and underfed and cousin pleasantly plump but not as bright because he isn't walking yet (which is not the case)!! I also feel like I have to defend my choice of going to pick up DS, since cousin's mom lets him CIO, but it is because I know CIO does not work for us. When he is ready to nap, he naps, but if he isn't, he will just cry. Cousin is a different baby who does not go down as peacefully but will eventually. But, when we are at family gatherings, I am seen as the mom who "spoils". (Just as a reference, these family gatherings are at least once a month, so this is a regular occurence for us). They almost compare the boys like twins, and always want pictures of them "together" - which is not always easy.

So, I KNOW about the comparing babies thing, and is is SO hard to deal with sometimes. I don't care if DS is doing things that cousin oisn't, I love my son and I love my nephew and I know that they are 2 different little people developing differently. We're still working on educating the rest of the family!

Sorry this got so long, but thanks for letting me rant!!

Jen

Proud mama to Thomas 2/3/03

[jd11365]

And I have worked at a school that gives narrative reporting instead of grades...a report of what the child can and cannot do...much more detailed than a B in English IMHO...

However, I do agree that we all need to be comfortable sharing...we do have to think of other's feelings as we post. I've personally posted about Kayla's milestones knowing some may have not reached them yet...but I know this community is supportive and loves hearing about stuff like that...at least I think they do...I know I do anyway...or knows how much fun it is to "brag" sometimes...

Sleep is a touchy subject for those of us who do not have children who sleep through the night...for those of us who are sleep deprived it's sometimes hard to think about the baby who has slept through the night since 8 weeks. I happen to think I'm a pretty good mom on most days and personally don't take offense to this particular subject, but I can certainly see where some tired mommy might...

Don't take offense...JMHO...

Jamie
Mommy to Kayla
May '03

[peanut4us]

Interesting bitch and right on too. My daughter for the most part has been a stinky sleeper... getting MUCH better, and thank God for that! I honestly do not mind at all when a parent tells me their child is sleeping through the night, taking monster naps etc. I freely admit that I used to be SO jealous of a good night's sleep, but I certainly wasn't feeling "hurt" by their comments... That said, not on these boards but IRL, I know some really obnoxious people who are ALL about comparison and want to rub stuff in. My conversations with them are usually like:

Them: So, are finally getting any rest yet?
Me: It's getting better. Good nights, bad nights.
Them: Gosh well my son has slept thru since he was 2 months.
Me: That's great!
Them: Hmmm, well you know she is really getting old enough to be able to sleep thru now.
Me: Yeah. *starts going away in my mind*
Them: I'm sure if you worked with her a little more, weren't afraid to let her cry a bit...
Me: Oh, but I do let her cry.
THem: Oh. Well I can't tell you how great it is that our DS sleeps so well. I'm never that tired. Hmmm. you work too. You must be exhausted.
Me: Actually since I stopped bfing, DH gets up with her.
Them: Oh. My Dh never got up with DS...

Seems pretty harmless, but try having that same conversation everyt freaking time you see them (about once a week). It gets old. And the tone is definately one of "well, obviously, YOU are doing something wrong." That's the only part that drives me nuts. In sleep, whatever, yes, share your wonderful news/milestone/pride... but share it to share the joy. Maybe not every week! :) LOL. And try to not let the judging tone come into your voice or invite unwelcome comparison.

On that note actually, there is this lady at church who realy can't stand me. I've never really talked to her before though :) She has a son who is about 2 weeks older than Sara. He is a total chunk. Seriously, he's in the 95% and SO cute! Sara has been around 10% for weight for a LONG time. And she's been sitting since 5.5 months, crawling at 6.5 months (pulling up shortly thereafter), and walking since 10.5 months. And this woman, whom I have never really spoken to other than, "good morning" has complained to friends that I "show off" my daughter to make hre feel bad because her son just started crawling in the last 2 weeks. Um, I show off? What by letting Sara walk because she wants to and can? Gah! Unwelcome comparison. That I didn't start!

Sorry, I stole some of your bitch. But I think we would all be happier parents if we could just rejoice in our babies' accomplishments without feeling the need to compare... KWIM? So rejoice away Flagger!

[jubilee]

PLease share! It's awful to not share the victorys in your baby's life!

As for my first son, he was very early at everything- walking at 9-10 months, etc- but he has no athletic bone in his body now! People (including me) need to not get so worked up in comparsions. We can share without "envy" can't we?

And as for sleeping, I personally am a horrible sleeper. Does that make me less of a person, LOL? (actually, some mornings I wonder...)

[jamsmu]

I'm with you flagger. Children shouldn't be sheltered from the true world of competition. Too many children entered my second grade classroom throwing fits if they lost on the soccer field, or a board game or even the classic time waster teachers use, 7-up. Know why? Because they aren't learning that competition is a way of life before then. It's great to help everyone succeed, but we all have a different area to succeed. Some just aren't great soccer players, but can kick some butt in the art room...

[jesseandgrace]

After having two kids I would never say sleeping is related to good parenting - I think it is related to the child personality! With the basic understanding that we are not standing in the way of the child getting rest. So, no defensiveness here now that I have # 2 who really is the worlds worst sleeper. Number one was a great little sleeper. If your baby sleeps I think you should be able to share it with the world - it is the best thing ever.
DS did everything really early and I felt like I could never say anything without seeming like I was bragging. DD is much more of a mixed bag, she can say about 5 words but still does the comando crawling at 9 months, so I do worry a little when I hear about the fast crawling of all the other 9 month olds, but I still like to hear about it.