OK I am going to bitch about myself...

[kijip]

So here is my beef...back when I delivered my husband and I gave strict instructions to all relatives to NOT come to the hospital. Well, they showed up. BIG TIME. We could not get rid of them the week that we were there. And recovering from a hard labor and dealing with a NICU baby lowered our ability to stand up for ourselves. In the end I was bitter that they had hung around, bitter that they invaded my room while I was trying to pump and nurse, bitter that they visited my son in the NICU when I wanted to be alone with him bitter that my MIL not only came herself she brought her jerk of a new husband along after she promised not to (I can not stand this man though I do a pretty good job of hiding it)...bitter bitter bitter. Well 8 months later I should be over it, right??? Nope. I still hang on to it. I am not harping on it to those that hurt me but I do find myself thinking evil thoughts about them. My MIL came for a visit this weekend and all I could think about was that I could never trust her again because of how she violated my space when I delivered. I am upset at myself for not just moving past this and think that I am being petty since it happened so long ago...I can't believe I still dwell on this (not every day but often enough to make me mad). IF I have a second baby I will not allow visitors at all. I will hire a security guard if I have to but I will have my space...

[momathome]

I understand completely where you are coming from! I have a MIL from hell and she screwed me over a few years ago to the point where I have not allowed my children over to her house since because she showed me she cannot be trusted. It was 3 years ago and it is still the first thing that pops into my head every time I see her. As long as you are civil to her face, I say good enough!
-Lauren

[brubeck]

I hear you! There is NO WAY I would have wanted anyone in the room with me other than DH! Now we have the advantage that our relatives are across the country, but perhaps next time (if you plan on a next time) you could delay handing out the good news for a couple of days? Say until you are home from the hospital? }(

[bluej]

These people disrespected your wishes. They put their wants and desires over your needs. I think it's normal for it to take awhile to get over your disappointment and anger w/ them. Maybe clearing the air will help? Come right out and ask why they insisted on coming even though you requested no visitors? I'm sure that's easier said than done. This is one of the few times I count my blessings that we don't live near family :)

[kijip]

Funny thing is, we did not tell them this time! My parents just figured out what happened since they could not get a hold of me for a day ( I was in labor for 30 hours once I was at the hospital). I will tell them I am delivering at a different hospital next time! That might give us an extra hour or two....To clarify they did not show up for delivery but they were in the waiting room (apparently) and I did see them right after I came out of the OR. My MIL showed up the next day. They hung around 24/7 for the next week. My mother backed off because she is a classy person who knew I was unhappy. My father, MIL and her husband have no intutition at all!

[Jacksonvol]

I think you might be feeling angry and hurt by what your relatives did and I think that is pretty natural. I know that when I have felt anger and hurt towards family members in the past and have felt that it is just taking up too much of my time or causing too much pain, I have talked with a therapist about it. Sometimes, I have confronted the offending family member about the pain, other times I have chosen not to do so. For me, I find that I reach a time when I just have to feel the feeling, learn from it and then, when the time is right, work on forgiveness. Please note that forgiveness is not the same as absolution and I do keep in mind that family member's actions when I make choices in the future.
I think emotional wounds are a lot like physical wounds. They need to be cleaned out and exposed to air or the fester. Like physical wounds, some take a longer time to heal than others. Best wishes and I hope you find peace on this matter.

Lisa

[juliekost]

Do we have the Same in-laws??? I had a very simmilar situation with the birth of DH. Right after he was born I wanted to nures but MIL bought her family in..(Okay my DH's brother's and sister's-he is on of 5) and then passed my newborn around. I sat there crying and very un-comfortable. The family assumed I was crying tears of joy. My nurse said honey just relax and I will try to get them out of here. She wasn't successful so I asked very LOUDLY could I have some time with my son...so they handed him to me and stood around the bed chatting. NOT what I imagined...but being totally exhausted I just let it be. I felt for a long time that my difficulties nursing were because of this...I pumped and bottle fed EBM to DS for 9 months.

Fast forward to DD birth we went to the hospital only telling my 2 best friends who were taking care of my son. They were under strict orders not to tell anyone in the family since it was New Years eve and everyone was available. It was a totally different experience since I went in sick and the baby was under stress. We were so thankful for the privacy and my hospital would not allow anyone in the NICU other than me and my DH for the 1st 24 hours. I think it gave us time to bond and learn to nurse. We did call everyone at Midnight and let them know the good news.

It took me a while to learn how to handle my in laws since they have NO boundries, I have gotten to a point now that I love them for their wonderful qualities and I just have learned to deal with the rest. I am sure they think the same of me!!!

Julie
Jake 11/9/98
Jordyn 12/31/02

[lizajane]

i hold onto stuff like that to... he is what **i** would do to try to make the feelings end:

i would say, "i really am so happy that you all were so excited about our son's arrival. but i just can't stop thinking about the fact that i told everyone i wanted to be left alone during the delivery and following period in the NICU. i don't know if you didn't believe me, and you thought i would want the support afterwards. but i really meant it. i felt like you ignored what i wanted and what i specifically asked you to do. i want you to know that it hurt my feelings that you ignored me and that i really did want to be alone. can you tell me why you didn't do what i asked?"

[hellosmiletoday]

Whenever I've had some problems about what the in-laws do or say, I talk about it with my husband, who will then be on the lookout to discuss it with them or prevent it from happening again...I'm sure I will get comments about going back to work (and I'm planning on taking off a year), but I can count on him to ease the situation. So my relationship with my in-laws is good...Its easier for him to talk to them and understand how they are, since after all, he has known them much longer than I.

I definitely think you should somehow try to resolve the situtation by bringing it out in the open...maybe an apology would help relieve the resentment and foster forgiveness. Plus...you dont want it to happen again.

You did make me think of one thing that I probably would not have done. I need to ask my family to give me privacy and space if I so desire it during my delivery. I'm not so worried about my parents or my in-laws, but the great-grandparents...being old, they will likely call all their sisters and brothers to come see me in the hospital!

[aliceinwonderland]

Listen, I LOVE my in-laws, on MANY occasions they have been nice to us, etc., even though we have major cultural differences sometimes on how we view the world.

Still, I am SO BITTER still over something they did over a year ago, that they REGRETTED, CRIED ABOUT, AND APOLOGISED sincerely (left our wedding, THEIR son's wedding that my parents flew from half a world away to attend, EARLY.)

Since then they have been NOTHING but WONDERFUL to me and my little family...We get along great. I call them mom and dad. Am I over the wedding thing? NO!! It still makes my blood boil when I think of it. DH knows this. I am just reconciled that this is ONE thing I will NEVER EVER get over.

Your situation sound even more dreadful, so please don't blame yourself for still feeling bitter. I know I would!! Maybe it's not healthy, but I just can't get over this thing, and am reconcailed to that fact. Or maybe I am just a mean bitter person. Oh well.

[tinkerbell1217]

I am surprised your hospital doesn't have a visitor policy. Our hospital has the mom and dad fill out a card listing who is and isn't allowed to visit. They have to come through a security check point, show ID, and only two at a time are allowed in. They are very strict about it too. I am so sorry you had to deal with all that when you gave birth!!

I am one who also holds grudges and its a character flaw I can't seem to change very easily. I have a hard time letting go when I feel wronged. Or taken advantage of. You are not alone. I would have felt the same way!

Kelly

[Sarah1]

It sounds to me like talking to these folks is pretty much useless. They clearly don't listen! Your MIL probably has an entirely different spin on the situation--she probably feels like her coming there was helpful!

Don't be upset at yourself for not being able to move past it. I would feel the same way! But, I think bringing it up with them is unlikely to make you feel better. You'd probably feel worse (but then, I am not a person who thinks it's useful to talk things to death, so maybe that's just me). Give yourself some more time, and when and if #2 comes along, you'll just have to give harsher instructions (maybe a padlock on your door???).