LONG... Selfish daughter in law needs your help...

[Dcclerk]

Please help me. I don't have good perspective on this one, so need some outside help.

DH & I both work outside the home in long hours. (This is out of necessity right now. I cannot fix my working situation for at least another year.) When we had DS, DH's parents moved down (about 6 hours) so that they could watch DS for childcare. They volunteered to do this. We never asked them, but it has been good for DS. DS LOVES his grandparents and they adore him. For the most part, though I have some nit-picky things about the childcare, they do a good job with him. I know that no other childcare provider would care as much about him as they do, though I am not convinced that no other childcare provider would do as well with him, if that makes sense. (Some of their opinions are not my own, but I don't feel like I can tell them what to do.)

For the last 5 mos, they have lived 2 blocks away from us, so it has been very convenient for everyone involved. But they just bought a home a half an hour away from us. (They can afford just about anything, but wanted to live in an area more similar to where they left.) The schedule is that DH drops DS off and I pick him up. Right now, I have a 50 minute commute. When I start having to pick DS up, I will have a 75 min. commute to pick him up, and then another 30 min. to bring him home. In essence, I will have an hour less of time with my little one. I usually only have an hour and a half with him before he goes to bed anyway, so this is substantial.

I'm devestated. I well up in tears just thinking about it as I type. When all is said and done, I want to be raising my kid, not have them do so and this is making the ratio even worse. They have offered to drop him off 3 days a week so that I would only have to pick him up 2 days. My DH keeps pointing out that it is really only 2 days of the week that I effectively will not be able to see DS. But that is 2/5 of the time!

I guess that I know I need to suck it up and just be happy that my DS has good childcare. I just can't figure out how. I can't help but think that if I had known that they would have moved in such a far off land, I would not have easily chosen them to watch DS. Or at least I would have made this a conscious decision. I just feel blind-sided. Please feel free to tell me I am being a selfish wench for being upset with people who have moved down to be with my son. (I should note that they ADORE taking care of DS and really, really wanted to do this. They also have wanted to move down for a pretty long while.) You will be in good company with DH who thinks I am horrible. But if you do think that, please help me move on, because I haven't figured out that part. Thanks for getting through my novel.

[JMarie]

BELIEVE ME - you feelings are absolutely NORMAL! DH lost his job in November and has been a SAHD since (while looking for a new job) and I have been working insane hours to try and make up the difference. I found that I really started to resent him for all the time he and Aidan got to spend together - especially when we decided to change Aidan's sleep schedule so he would go down earlier. There were nights where I would get home and kiss Aidan goodnight - it was awful. I keep trying to remind myself that he is with his father and is getting the best care we can offer. It's not easy, we fight about it regularly, but I have begun to acknowledge that it is just my guilt that *I* am not the one caring for him every day. DH is doing what I want to do. Bottom line. Regardless - your feelings are valid and normal. Do what you can with the time you have. It will eventually all work out. HTH!

Jennifer
Mom to Aidan Christopher
01/28/03

[pritchettzoo]

You're not crazy! That's an hour and 45 minutes in the car AFTER working all day. DH did a commute like that for a while a couple of years ago and it was very stressful on him. PLUS he wasn't worried about spending time with his baby.

Could you find other childcare the 2 days a week they can't pick him up? Maybe use the excuse that you want him to be around other children his age?

I don't know. You're really stuck on this one. I just wanted to tell you that I don't think you're being horrible at all.

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[toomanystrollers]

OK - don't laugh, but maybe you could sleep-over at the IL's one night of the week :) Or then again, maybe not LOL

[KMommie]

I don't think you're being selfish at all! It's so hard the choices we as parents have to make! I would be just as upset over missing any extra time with Kiki. I think that's why DH and I almost always take her everywhere with us. I just feel like, I'm already missing so much!!

I know you didn't ask for suggestions, but...is there any way to adjust your schedule those two days? Maybe you can go in earlier, leave earlier (a bonus...maybe hit less traffic, get home at a decent hour even with the longer commute)...and that way you can still spend time with your DS in the evening before bedtime?

Either way, I think the new commute stinks. I totally understand your feelings about being blindsided. My DH swore that his parents would watch our future children while I worked----so I agreed to move away from my family. Wouldn't you know it, when they found out I was pregnant, they told me that they would babysit for emergencies only. I was so mad at DH---I hold grudges a long time, and I still bring it up!!!

Jeannie
mommy to Kiki 4/18/03

[JElaineB]

I don't think you are being selfish! Frankly if this happened to me I would tell DH that DS is going to daycare because I am not having an extra hour in the car even 2 days a week! I mean, obviously you are grateful for what they have done for you (and DS), but it isn't like you (or they) are obligated to continue the arrangement forever (apparently not as they are moving and changing the rules!)

And I know what you mean about them caring about DS the most but perhaps not always "the best" care. MIL watches DS only 2 half-days a week, and they love each other. He loves going over there. But she fed him yogurt that was expired by 2 MONTHS a couple of weeks ago, and he had diarrhea for a week! (sorry if TMI!!) If it was a daycare I would have been able to be severly pissed off at least!

Anyway, I hope you can resolve it, since you and DH aren't seeing eye to eye on this. Maybe you just need to have a massive cry fest in front of all of them, would that get them not to move?? ;(

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[stella]

First of all, 2 days a week is not 2/5 of the time - it's 2/7 of the time - closer to 25% - meaning that almost 75% of the days, you do get to be with him. If I had a calculator, I could be more exact!

Secondly, and probably what you're really getting at is whether you have the right to mad at them when they're doing such a nice thing for you by keeping your baby (for free, I assume). I struggle with this all the time - although on a much lesser level. When my in-laws watch my children (and they are very generous about it), my baby ALWAYS has some kind of accident - falls off a chair, slips off a swing, poops on the rug (where was her diaper??); the kitchen is always a wreck; my fil doesn't "get" the valves in sippy cups and there are new juice stains all over the rug; my little boy has had way too much juice; my baby "just didn't want to take a nap"; and my house is always a MESS!

Now the point is that I am a very messy person and so I don't know why their mess bothers me, but it drives me crazy! And I can't say anything because they did it for free and probably (knowing my pattern) at the last minute, and my children had a wonderful time. And I often wish that I had used a paid babysitter because then I wouldn't feel so ungrateful!

I would take them up on that offer to only drive 2x/weekly. It really sucks to feel like you should be grateful (they did move for you, after all), but although they are helping enormously, they're not helping in exactly the right way. Just remind yourself that it's not forever - it's for one more year. I don't blame you for being upset - I would be too!

Claire
mama to Wade 6/25/01
and Anna 11/25/02

[vikivoly]

I'm quite sure I'm in the minority on this one, but I think that if you are taking free babysitting you give up some of your rights to gripe. I'm a WAHM and my parents babysit for free when I need them. They live about 25 minutes away and it's a real pain to drive out there 2x in one day when I usually don't have to leave my house to go to work. I know I could get someone closer, but it’s very important to me that my parents have a close relationship with my daughter. To me, the extra cost in time is worth it. I totally understand about receiving good care, but not necessarily the best care. Although my parents are pretty respectful about my wishes for caring DD, they do have their own opinions. I think that comes with the territory also. On the other hand, my FIL (MIL is deceased) makes no effort to visit DD. So, I think you should appreciate that they do love your son so much.

Now, I realize that my situation is much different than yours because being a WAHM I have the flexibility to spend a lot of time with DD. I think you have the right to be a bit miffed, but I wouldn't make a big deal about it. It's not worth putting a strain on your marriage and like it or not, disagreeing with the in-laws can be a deal breaker in many marriages.

You asked about helping you move on. Honestly ask yourself some questions. If it were your parents would you feel the same way? If it were DH doing the running, how would you feel? Seriously put yourself in your in-laws shoes and look back at yourself. Do you think you're being unreasonable? Do you think your in-laws are asking too much? Only you can ask and answer these questions. If after doing so, you feel the same way then perhaps you'll need to change your situation so you can be happy. Or perhaps you'll see it's not as bad as you thought.

In life we all have to make choices. I believe you're an attorney (or at least on your way to becoming one - right?). Unfortunately it is a demanding career and you have to put your time in now to benefit from it later. You're going to need all of the help you can get, and sometimes that help does come with strings attached. Only you and DH can decide if it's worth it.


Sorry if this wasn't what you wanted to hear, but that's not me. Please don't think I'm being harsh or judgmental.

[August Mom]

I understand how upsetting it must be for you to feel like you are spending so little time with your DS and working all the time. Law is very stressful and demanding, even without the added stress of a long commute, caring for a child, etc. Finding the right balance is a process.

However, from an objective standpoint, I think your in-laws are being very generous. They moved to be near you, willingly care for DS and have even agreed to deliver him to your doorstep a majority of the time. I don't think it's unreasonable for them to move half an hour away. They have lives to live too and after getting familiar with the area, it makes sense for them to live where they will be comfortable. Yes, it might have been nice for them to have asked about your commute time with locations they were considering, but they weren't obligated to IMO.

If you want to seek alternative child care arrangements for 2 days, go ahead. Or, you might talk with them and see if you can work something else out. Changing your schedule on those 2 days would be ideal, but I doubt that you can change it too much as you need to be at work when most of the others are, but even a half an hour here and there would help. Is there any flexibility in your DS's bedtime? DH gets home rather late and we decided we would put DS to bed later so that DH would get to spend time with him each day.

As far as working through this, have you asked yourself what you really want? What do you see as a solution? (in-laws not moving, in-laws dropping DS off 5 days a week, in-laws watching DS at your house, having DH pick DS up and drop him off, hiring another child-care provider part-time or full-time, etc.) Once you decide what you really think would be best, then analyze the pros and cons of that plan of action for everyone involved. Then, discuss it with DH and finally with the in-laws if it involves them taking some additional action.

Also, realize that with the career path you've chosen (and especially being on the ground floor of it) that time constraints are going to be a part of your life. And, that has nothing to do with MIL and FIL. That is one reason that I am not practicing law anymore. I was concerned that I wouldn't get to spend enough time with DS. DH also is a lawyer. We just didn't see that combination working for us. However, some people make it work and you will too once you get comfortable with the arrangement and schedule. And, you'll make the most of the time you have with DS.

Good luck.

[Dcclerk]

Thanks to all. I wanted the good, bad and indifferent. Although I will clarify that we pay them-- they do not do this for free-- I really don't think that is the point.

I really do appreciate everyone's viewpoint. It's helpful to hear why you think I have it wrong. And I really have been trying to figure out why I would be mad at them. When all is said and done, I think I have figured it out. I am terrifically jealous of all of you SAHMs. I want to be that person, too. But I am the primary breadwinner and will be for a while. I could be a SAHM if we moved out of the state (we're in an extremely expensive location now). But now I know that we are that much less likely to move away, because DH's parents have moved to be near us, and DH will want to move even less. Now I will see DS even less, and it's less likely that this situation will change. I'm frustrated with that. But it's not fair to put all of that on the in-laws so I will move on. At least I know where more of my anger came from.

Thanks for the therapy all.

[KGoes]

I don't think that you are being ungrateful at all. My mom does this to me all of the time - plans something for DD and just when it seems that she's being incredibly generous with her time and attention, tons of the work ends up falling to me. Now, she is being incredibly generous with her time and attention, but had I known the true cost of the endeavor, I could have made an informed decision of whether or not I wanted to take on the project. I am being intentionally vague since I don't want to go off on a rant of my own, but I wanted to let you know that I completely understand how you feel. I never quite understand those mothers at daycare who are happy when their child goes to bed at 6:30 - I'd never see DD if she did that!
The bigger issue is that you feel as though your in-laws have taken away your flexibility to make a career decision that is tough enough without having to include family in the equation. I think that you have every right to feel like that.
Yes, you've made your career choice, but you should not be expected to lump it when it comes to how you feel about child care because of that choice. I know exactly how it feels to be trapped by other folks' expectations and visions of what you should be doing with your potential. You will sort out what you need to do to live your life in happiness and harmony. In the meantime, you should not feel guilty because of your frustration. Your in-laws - inadvertently or intentionally - are putting pressure on you on several different fronts.
I wish I could help!
Kelley
DD born 7/03

[houseof3boys]

Kerry I just wanted to send a big hug your way! I am one of those SAHM's that you are mad at (:)) but have tried to think about this if I were in your shoes. It kind of bothers me that you have to pay them I guess. Yes, they moved down to your area so that they could help out but I just think if you pay them, there ought to be a middle ground with pickup and drop off from there end.

I have to possible second Pam's suggestion and staying over there once a week! Sorry, but if that could cut your commute just one day that might be worth it.

It's perfectly normal to be pissed over this, I know that I would be too. :P

HUGS!!!