Pregnancy . . . I'm losing my mind. (epic length)

[HoneymoonBaby]

Right this second, I hate being pregnant. I don't like the total lack of control I have over my emotions right now. I just lost a stupid auction on E-bay, and that simple thing sent me into a grumpy, horrid mood. I feel like I could cry for hours. I was fine five minutes ago. I get so upset over the stupidest things. And now it's nearly midnight and I'm pissed at myself for not going to bed an hour ago like I promised myself I would, and I'm mad at DH for hanging out in the basement all night on HIS computer ignoring me.

The baby keeps kicking me and squirming around, and it just feels weird. I'm happy to know he's healthy and active, but I will never get used to the feeling of another person squirming inside my body. Most of the time it's kind of fun, but when I'm in this sort of a cranky mood, it almost feels like a violation . . . like I wish I could just get a break from all this body sharing for five minutes, have a STRONG Jack and Coke, and not be constantly worried about the status and future of my baby boy.

I'm overwhelmed with everything I have to do before this baby is born. His nursery is coming along pretty well, and our living room looks great, thanks to a recent infusion of new furniture, but the rest of the house is total chaos. Our bedroom is a pigsty full of paperwork and piles of dirty laundry, the guest room is full of clean laundry with nowhere to put it, the basement is full of DH's stuff from his old office (now the baby's room) and even more dirty laundry. The kitchen is half-torn apart and in the process of redecorating, but we actually work on the decoration MAYBE once every six weeks since we're so busy with everything else.

I alternate between being thankful that my boss is willing to let me stay home three months and then work from home 3 days a week, and outraged that I can't afford to just stay home altogether. And then I hate myself because the truth is that I probably COULD stay home on DH's salary . . . we would just have to really cut back our fairly cushy standard of living a lot. We'd be living the Walmart life . . . and in the darkest part of my soul I know that's never going to be enough for me. I'd be miserable. Which means I'm a total f!@#ing self-centered bitch, right? I mean, what kind of a person leaves her baby with a nanny two days a week and lets DH be responsible for baby in the evenings just so she can keep her comfortable yuppie lifestyle? Especially when she could afford to stay home every day and not be tied to the computer at night if she was only willing to sacrifice that material comfort?

Oh, that reminds me of my other dirty little secret -- I think I'll ENJOY being at the office a couple of days a week. I'll be out of the house, and giving the orders instead of taking them from a 10-pound, poopy-diapered boss. And there will be adult interaction there, as well, something I have thrived on since I wasn't even an adult myself. I think I'll miss DS like crazy, but I also suspect that missing him 16 hours a week will be a nice change of pace from constantly addressing his every need all day long, every day.

I don't mean to sound like I'm not happy about motherhood or my baby -- I LOVE this baby like I love my own life already, and he's not even here yet. But all the love and concern is sooooooo exhausting, and I just get so overwhelmed that I almost get resentful sometimes. It's not fair that I don't get a choice -- I never chose to love this baby, the love just sprang from some well I didn't know I had, one that's capable of producing worry and obsession over every detail of the life and future of a being that weighs 2 pounds, is maybe 14 inches long, and spends most of its time hiccuping. I LOVE this baby. And it absolutely terrifies me. If I feel this way now, how will I feel when I'm looking into his eyes after I've actually given birth to him? The prospect is frightening.

Seriously . . . is there something wrong with me, or is this just my introduction to the brutal and strangely beautiful world of motherhood? I feel like I'm the only one who has ever felt this out-of-control before. Sometimes I have these calm, wonderful moments, where everything seems just as it should be and I'm filled with joy over the blessings coming into my life. But other times, like right now, I just want to lie down and rage. And I don't know why.

Here ends my bitching post. Ian says to all of you, in conclusion, "KICK." (Or he might have said "HICCUP." It's hard to tell these days.)

[SeekerMage]

Welcome to the wonderful world of motherhood!

I think that we have all had these days in some form or another. Whether it be the dread of getting up all night, the having to plan everything and be responsible, or just the whole overall experience. It certianly can be overwhelming! Im sure your hormones are totally out of whack. I know mine sure were some of the time. I dont think you are being selfish for wanting to be at work, its sort of your way of holding onto yourself and what you had prebaby. I know I was resenting being home because all I knew was baby baby baby....adult contact was only a dream! Im now working again and out of the house and much happier! I think you definitely loose part of yourself when you become a parent and that is a scary concept to grasp. But hang in there, you will be fine and everything will work out you just have to wait and see.

Oh...and try rubbing your belly or have DH give you a massage, I know that sometimes calmed Lilbit down when she was very active. It also helps relax mom hehehehe. And Ian...you give mommy a break! (also just be happy he is a good kicker....on the flip side we had several scares when she stopped kicking and sent us to the hospital for poor movement..uggg not fun,Id take a kicker any day.

[Jeanmick]

Hello!

EVERY emotion you stated in your post is one that I've felt at one time or another during both pregnancies. It is SOOOO normal to feel this way...even the so-called "dirty little secret." Currently, I'm a SAHM, but my best friend said to me a few months back that I'm the type of person who'll eventually want to return working outside the home for the adult interaction and be a mother (she's a psychologist...go figure...LOL). I took her statement and really reflected on it for a long time. Then I realized that she's probably right. And I'm okay with that. :)

Hang in there!

[dotgirl]

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to go back to work. I felt awful because when I went back when Riley was 3 months, I was looking forward to it. I felt like, well, what sort of mother am I that I would voluntarily be away from him all day?

But honestly, I love my job, and being away from him let's me really enjoy the time I do spend with him. I spend every evening with him - from 5:30 until he goes to bed at 9:30 or so, and we have an hour of time together in the morning. And rather than feeling like, guh, can't DH take him for 10 minutes so I can shower .. I really enjoy it, and even find myself getting up earlier just to spend time with him.

So wanting to work doesn't make you a bad mother - you'll probably wind up enjoying him a lot more, too.

[aliceinwonderland]

I hear you. 4 weeks to go and I am freaking over many similar things...It's a big change. You're doing great :)

[californiagirl]

I had one of the worlds kickiest babies -- I didn't know an ultrasound could take under an hour! And she never got the message that she was supposed to get too big to do that, or that she was supposed to find it soothing when I walked, instead of making it nearly impossible by kicking even more. And every time somebody got all mushy about how great it was to feel the baby move, I felt like a crazy person. I mean, yeah, it was reassuring and all, but it did not feel special to me. I kept telling my male friends that as far as I could tell they *could* imagine exactly what it was like, and it was just as unpleasant as it sounded. I spent a lot of time crankily saying to DH that all I wanted was a break, just a few hours of not being pregnant... I think you're perfectly normal.

I'm still out of control a lot, but then again she's not yet 3 weeks old. Mostly, having a baby is better than being pregnant, in my experience (daddy can actually take her when she howls!)

[JElaineB]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! I have felt probably just about everything you are feeling at one point or another. A lot of it is the pregnancy hormones, and a lot of it is, as you say "welcome to motherhood"! Everything you are feeling is absolutely normal. Feel free to rage away, I understand what you are going through!

If you want to see you're not the only one, here are a couple of examples from me (if you don't feel like reading someone else's crap, feel free to skip it!) (1) We got new carpets about 6 weeks before my due date. They were installed while I was at work. I came home and went into a rage because they had installed the wrong carpet. I yelled and screamed at my DH for at least half an hour, then I called and bitched about it to my parents for a while. I was FURIOUS. I went to work and bitterly complained about it the next day. When we finally went to the carpet store to see what could be done, well, it turns out it was the right carpet after all! Hmmm.... 2) When I was a week or so away from my due date, I still wasn't reallly "showing" such that a stranger could tell I was pregnant. I was large to begin with and hadn't gained much weight. I was driving my car and suddenly started to hysterically sob because I realized if I was in a car accident they wouldn't know to save the baby because they couldn't tell I was pregnant. I don't remember if I pulled over, but I should have...

Please keep posting on how you are doing!

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[papal]

<deep calming breath>
What you are feeling is completely normal!! I think, to some degree, everyone feels this way. Overwhelmed, resentful, thrilled, scared.... the entire spectrum of emotions. Having a baby changes everything and many many times during my pregnancy I did not want anything to change. I was miserable that we were going to be loosing our footloose and fancy-free existence. I was not sure whether I would know what to do when the baby finally arrived. On some nights, when i had to go pee every 15 minutes, I did not appreciate that my body was an incubator and cursed my dh for sleeping so peacefully. I also got mad at my dh a LOT because i felt he did not fully comprehend the enormity of the whole thing.

What you are going through is so normal. And please don't beat yourself up at wanting to get away from the baby and go back to work... many many moms will tell you that they would not be good moms if they could not get out and have some adult interaction. Heck, i feel like that sometimes and i was born to be a stay at home mom! (literally, at the age of 3 when i was asked what i wanted to be when i grew up.. i said.. a MOM')

Everything will slowly fall into place. I used to be such a control freak but with a baby I learned to let it go. Babies are amazing creatures.. they just don't change your life.. they change you!

Hang in there mama! There will be other ebay auctions to be won!

[Vajrastorm]

Pregnancy did NOT agree with me. As much as I miss the option to sleep whenever I wanted, I am thrilled to not be pregnant anymore. Pregnancy Hormones + me = bad news. (Lest you think this is a subjective report, my husband found the pregnant me hard to handle too, and he is am extraordinarily patient man)

Motherhood is brutal and strangely beautiful, but pregnancy is its own beast. You are held hostage to all sort of biological processes, which often have an impact on our emotional state. Some people can stay calm and rational during pregnancy, but I wasn't one of them. :P

Don't be hard on yourself for how you're feeling.

[Saartje]

Honeymoon, I laughed so hard reading your post that I had to send a link to my DH so he'd know I hadn't gone nuts. Today's been a very bad day for me — I've spent most of the day feeling almost exactly as you've described. Reading your post, and knowing someone else was going through that, made my day a little brighter.

And just so you know: no, you're not in any way a bad mother for looking forward to going back to work. Accept yourself as you are; there's nothing wrong with liking adult interaction. (Just to share: When my aunt's third son in as many years was three weeks old, her doctor advised her to return to work. When she expressed surprise, he explained: "I'd like you to get some rest. At work, you'll sit down once in a while. You'll do a better job taking care of the boys and yourself if you're not with them all the time." She's in her sixties, now; she and my cousins all seem to have survived just fine. :) )

[HoneymoonBaby]

Thanks for the replies, everyone -- you make me feel so much more normal. ;)

I'm doing a lot better mood-wise the past couple of days, but this baby is beating me up from the inside -- he's SO active. This morning I woke up at 3:30 AM from a bad dream and he was going nuts in there -- actually thrashing around. I wondered if he was having a bad dream too. I also wonder if the uterus can bruise -- it actually aches after he's had a really active day.

{{{Hugs}}} to everyone who is right there with me in this crazy pregnancy thing. It really is comforting to know I'm not alone in feeling like I've lost my mind.