Not really a bitch...just wondering if you think I'm being "dumped on"

[Sarah1]

First, a little background:

This friend (let's call her Anne) and I have been close ever since we both found out we were pregnant. We had our babies within a week of each other, and during her maternity leave we were practically inseparable, doing stuff together every day. We still see each other once a week and talk on the phone and/or e-mail almost daily.

Since she went back to work more than a year ago, her life has basically been total chaos, and she openly refers to her DS as a very high-strung, high-maintenance child. First and foremost, her DS has had a barrage of health issues. He's been to the emergency room probably at least once a month since he was born...at almost 17 months old, he rarely sleeps through the night...ear infections galore...food allergies...every time they travel (her family lives out of state), the trip is always a disaster...the list goes on. He is in daycare 4 days a week, and every week there's some issue there--he's hitting other kids, not eating, throwing up, etc etc etc. Basically, they just live from one crisis to the next, and although she keeps her chin up, she seems really stressed, exhausted and unhappy.

Additionally, she always complains about her DH--how little he does, how he second-guesses every decision she makes, the list goes on. I feel really awkward listening to her complain about her DH, but I just try to comfort her...what am I supposed to say? You should get a divorce? I know she just needs to vent, but at some point, it gets a little embarrassing.

My DH thinks that I spend way too much time listening to Anne complaining. He said, "she's always dumping all her problems on you", and he thinks I spend too much energy on her. At first, my feeling was, hey, this is what friendship is about--being a source of support, being there to listen. Lately, though, I'm kind of coming around to my DH's way of thinking, since it just seems like Anne is not willing to make any changes that would make their lives better. For one, the daycare situation is basically a disaster. Not only is he sick constantly, but he has meltdowns every day when they drop off and pick him up, he doesn't nap well, etc etc etc. It seems obvious to me that it might be time to try a different approach, like a nanny in their home (initially she weighed nanny vs. daycare and went with daycare). They can afford it--they have a huge, beautiful house, a fancy car and the nicest of everything else. I'm starting to wonder if their priorities are seriously skewed.

I've never been truly open with Anne about things like this. She already has a lot of guilt, and I don't want her to feel worse. I know she relies on me as a source of support for the choices she makes. But the problem is becoming, I'm questioning a lot of her choices, but I don't feel it's my place to say things like, "I think you should get a nanny instead of having your son in daycare". I'm starting to feel like she looks to me to validate her decisions, and it's becoming hard for me to do that!

If you've been patient enough to get this far, I would love to hear your take on this situation based on what you've read here. What approach would you take?

Thanks for reading--I appreciate it. :)

[mamahill]

Ugh - what a yucky situation. First of all, friendships should be give and take. What are YOu getting out of this relationship? And, as a friend, I don't think suggesting a different care situation would be a bad thing. The worst thing that could happen is that she is offended and doesn't want to talk to you again (that sounds much more flippant than I meant). I'm actually surprised she hasn't tried something new herself. Is she waiting to see if her son turns around or improves?

Also, do you go to her with problems/concerns/etc.? How does she react to those? I have learned over the past few years that I just don't have the energy to be the dumping ground. It isn't healthy. And there are so many great friendships out there that are FUN.

Maybe ask yourself how you feel when you answer the phone and she is on the other line. Are you happy to talk to her? Does part of you wish you had screened your call? I'm rambling, but maybe it's because you're in a tough situation and I don't know what I'd do. Good luck.

[Sarah1]

>Maybe ask yourself how you feel when you answer the phone
>and she is on the other line. Are you happy to talk to her?
>Does part of you wish you had screened your call?

That's totally it, Sarah. I do kind of dread hearing what the latest big problem is. And with my other friends, it's totally a give and take.

I don't feel comfortable "dumping" things on this particular friend because my problems with Audrey (i.e. oh darn, she wouldn't eat her carrots today) just seem trivial compared to hers.

I think maybe the best thing for me is just to distance myself from her for a while--not initiate the calls and e-mails.

[lisaE]

This "Anne" reminds me of a friend of mine. I can only tell you my experience. I got caller ID! I screen calls big time. I only pick up her calls if I have the energy. She has been a good friend to me, we have known each other a long time, I just prefer her in small doses!

If Anne is wearing you out, limit the amount she is in your life. If you don't mind dealing with her, then continue to do so. Her effect on you is only for you to decide, not your DH. But by all means, don't validate anything you don't agree with. Is it worth it to make suggestions to her? It seems like she knows at least a little about what would make her situation easier (you said that she had previously considered a nanny) but chooses to continue the way things are. Do you think she would be like that in other areas- I mean, would your suggestions fall on deaf ears? If so, you will only become more frustrated. As for my friend, I know that she is not open to suggestions. So, my response is usually, "hmmm."

Good luck- this is a tough one. It's hard to know what to do when a friendship may be at stake.

[mamicka]

In that situation I'd feel dumped-on, yes. BUT, if you have the kind of friendship that obligates (for lack of a better word) you to listen to her & support her, doesn't that also obligate you to be completely honest with her in your feedback? If she's truly a friend, then whatever you say, it should be in love. And she may not always appreciate your opinion... it might encourage more of a dialogue or brainstorm about how to improve her situation instead of just a dumping session.



Allison (Mamicka to Lawrence 6/17/03)

[mamahill]

Good for you! Just kind of phase her out (ok, that doesn't sound good), or ease back on the interaction. Definitely don't initiate calls/emails, unless you really want to. And if she calls and leaves a message or emails you, then take an extra day to respond. Or not at all. Do what's best for YOU and invest the time/emotion in your good friendships.

Hopefully this woman's DS will be happier or she'll figure out a better way to take care of him. Good luck!

[zuzu]

Ugh. Sorry to hear you're going through this.

I've been dealing with a similar friendship problem, successfully and not so successfully at times, for a while myself. What I started doing is saying, as nicely and sincerely as I could, something along the lines of: "It hurts me to see you so upset and sad like this all the time, and it seems like the same things over and over again. Let's see if we can come up with some ideas that might help make things better or what do you think you can do to make things easier/better for yourself?" Very dopey sounding, I know, but it should convey to her that you care, that you're willing to help if she actually wants to do something about it, and not to just keep dumping on you. She may not realize she is doing this, and gently bringing it to her attention might help her see it. Or, she may be like my friend and not want to make any changes and just want to dump on you. In that case, I'd distance yourself as needed, as the others have suggested. Friendships are give and take, but it sounds like this one is really beginning to take its toll on you.

Good luck.
Melissa, mom to Sarah (5.10.03)

[MartiesMom2B]

I think you are being dumped on. You should probably limit the amount of time that I would spend time with her/talk to her. You shouldn't feel crappier after talking to a friend than you have before.

As for her DH complaining, your DH is right and she's dumping on you. It's not making you feel any better and it sounds like your DH is concerned about you. You don't want all of her emotional dumping to affect your family life.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[Rachels]

Yikes. The thing is, often when people are terribly stressed, it's hard to see that there are alternatives. I think you phrased things so beautifully here. Why not take a big deep breath and tell her exactly what you told us: that it's getting hard to listen to her talk about how stressful everything is when you don't see her trying to make changes. And that it's hard for you to need to validate her choices when her choices don't actually seem to be working for her and her child.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[houseof3boys]

I tend to agree with your DH that she is dumping on you. What would be wrong with you saying "I think you should get a nanny" next time she starts on the latest weeks drama at daycare? I don't think there is anything wrong with you offering the suggestion. If she says it would be too much money, then remind her all of the bad things that come from him being in daycare. I think you should nicely be honest about it Sarah.

I would be glad if someone were straightforward and honest with me (even if it hurt my feelings at first)....that's what friends are for!

Good luck with this and let us know how it turns out. :)

[lynettefrancois]

I'm going with Rachel- let her know your true feelings! If she is really a friend and values YOU, then your opinion will matter. Just speak out of concern for your relationship and everyone's well-being. The truth sometimes hurts a little, but she may need your bluntness to get her back into reality and on track! Someone should tell her that some of her choices aren't working; at least for her child's sake.

[Kieransmom]

Hail Hail caller ID!!! It's better than Prozac. (although I really haven't tried that but I'm sure it's got to be better for your sanity!)

Michelle
Mommy to Kieran, born 5/9/03

[lizajane]

i haven't read other reponses. but wanted to give you a different point of view.

i have been feeling really scatterbrained lately. totally out of whack with EVERYTHING. i have let people down, not keeping promises. i have flown off the handle with dh MANY times in the past few weeks. the list goes on and on. i feel totally swamped and out of control and my OCPD just makes it all SOOOO much worse.

so my point is- i feel so guilty when i go on a tirade with a good friend about this or that problem, or this or that thing that i didn't get done and how terrible i feel about it. i feel so afraid that if i complain one more time to this friend or that friend that she is going to just tell me to "get the heck over myself and leave her out of it." i am terrified that i have been a bad friend and they are all going to drop me for being so self centered and complaining.

what i need most is for those friends to be honest. maybe to say, "liza, you sound like you need to re-group. i have been hearing you complain a lot. i don't want you to feel this way and i hate to hear your stories about what a hard time you are having." if someone told me i was a huge pain in her a** and i am so negative that she doesn't want me to be her friend anymore, i just don't know what i would do. it is such a great fear. this friend of yours probably thinks of you as her lifeline. she is probably pretty desperate right now. probably even desperate for some honesty. if you have some ideas that will help her, TELL HER.

i held back from telling a certain friend the truth for a long time. i treated her with kid gloves and let her drive me NUTS. when i finally broke down and told her that she needed help, she said i was mistaken. years went by. she got worse and worse. i ditched her, just like you want to do. and FINALLY she has gotten the help she needed and FINALLY she is a pretty awesome happy gal. i sure wish i had pushed her earlier and i sure wish i had been the real friend that i was afraid to be.

but i am just trying to make the point that if she complains so much that she is driving you to madness, IMAGINE for ONE MINUTE how SHE must feel inside? it makes you this crazy just to hear about it, imagine how it feels to live it.

be honest. tell you how you feel. see if you can help. and if you can't help, or if you can't help without letting your family down, then get out of the friendship. but first, try to think of what YOU would want HER to do if the roles were reversed.

[mamicka]

I think you've illustrated the point really well.