My mother is mean, insensitive and totally self centered.

[barbarhow]

Jack turned one today. I talked to her on the phone yesterday morning and she happened to "mention" how badly she felt because she didn't send a card. I said "what?" She said well I'm going to see you in a few weeks and I'll give him his card then when we have his celebration. As if we aren't going to acknowledge his birthday just because she can't be here. Ggggrrrrrrrrrrr. I am so pissed. I told her to get off the phone and go and mail a card. It had a shot of getting here but of course didn't and now I am furious. Do you know what hell I would hear if she didn't get a card from us??? Her excuse? Oh-she has alot going on. I don't care. It's your grandson's birthday for goodness sake. I want to scream and yell and rip her eyeballs out. And then I want to totally ignore her birthday this year. But unfortunately I cannot bear to be that mean. I know that he doesn't know the difference-but I do and I am furious. Thank you for letting me vent. I still don't feel better, though.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[houseof3boys]

I'm sorry Barbara, that sucks. My mom is equally as bad and has not seen her grandson since he was 8 weeks old and we drove 13 hours. :P

Just try to forget about it and next time you talk to her, tell her that it really stinks that she couldn't spend 2 minutes to get a card. No matter how busy she is, I'm sure she has been to the grocery store or a Target type store where they have TONS of cards.

I hope you get over the anger soon and just remember that it is your sweeties first birthday and that is the most important thing.

Big hugs to you and to birthday boy Jack. :)

[bluej]

I'm so sorry Barbara! I would have the same feelings you are having. In fact, I'm angry for both you and Jack! Maybe between now and when your mom visits you can teach Jack to say 'mean granny'. Does that help any?

[Sarah1]

You must just be beyond aggravated. My mom can be annoyingly self-centered sometimes too, although the birthday thing is really terrible. Hopefully you can get past it, although I'm sure it'll stick in your craw (is that the expression?) for a long while. Regardless, you are totally entitled to feel the way you do! I recommend a big glass of wine! :)

[MartiesMom2B]

Barbara:

I'm sorry that your mom is like that. Maybe for her birthday you can just send in a blank piece of paper and you can write Happy Birthday on it with a ball point pen.

My MIL just called me yesterday to tell me how upset she was that Martie's first birthday is on a day that she can't attend and why couldn't I move it to when she could come. What is she doing that weekend? Going to a bar mitzvah of her cousin's son who she's been estranged from.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[barbarhow]

Its actually worse than that-she sells cards in her store...Oh well. You guys are all right. We had a ball without her. She called twice tonight and left messages-I hope the card got there in time...Not.
Thanks all of you for understanding and reminding me that my mother isn't the only narcissist here on earth.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[pritchettzoo]

She SELLS cards? What a wench! She could have sent two. I'd send the most generic, most 50 cent card I could find for her birthday. And sign your last name. I get cards like that from my grandparents, and it really pisses me off. I know who the @#$% you are!!! You could take another page from their book and put in one McDonald's gift certificate for one dollar. It's the world's crappiest gift! I'm sorry she's such a twerp. At least you had more fun without her! :)

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[luvbeinmama]

I may get blasted for this... but... Why is this a big deal? She's probably going to bring him a gift and celebrate with you when she comes, right? Doesn't the card usually accompany the gift? And why does it really matter if she gets the card to you on the actual day? DS has had his birthday celebrated on like 3 different days each year. One dinner with Grandma & Grandpa, one dinner with Uncle & Aunt (her b-day is 2 days later than DS), one party with playgroup. And usually none of that falls on his actual birthday. He gets cards/gifts when he sees the people we are celebrating with. I guess the cards just really don't matter to me. What matters is that my son gets to celebrate his birthday with the people that care about him and he cares about, even if it is two weeks after his birthday. That's what it's all about, right?

[toomanystrollers]

IMO, the big deal is the very first birthday of your very first baby :) I'd be pissed if my mother said she had a lot going on and just plain forgot to send a card.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACK!!!

[urbanmama]

Barbara- I could bore you with stories for days over how rude, selfish and inconsiderate my mother is. I just wanted to let you know that I completely understand and empathize with your situation. These "little" things might not sound bad individually, but they add up and can hurt a lot.

Congratulations on the first birthday of your little one! My DD is having her first birthday in 2 weeks. (My mom is coming very reluctantly even though the plane tickets are sooooo expensive because she doesn't want to be left out of the family pictures.)

Marie

[ktdid74]

Hi Barbara- I forgot to tell you this in my email. My dad finally saw Mackenzie for the first time in February '04 (mind you she was 10 months old) when I went home for mom's surgery. The reason he hadn't seen her sooner? He had to stay home with the dogs!!! He didn't want to pay to board them so my mom came alone to see us. Now, I love my dad but that still makes me pretty upset! I've been pretty disappointed in my parents role as grandparents for several reasons but I'm trying to get over it. Just wanted to share- now we'll go dive into some birthday cake :)

[luvbeinmama]

See, that's where we differ. If my mom actually forgot all about the birthday, I might be a bit miffed. But that's not what happened. Her mother simply failed to send a card on the correct day. I don't think that makes her mean, insensitive, and totally self centered. I think that makes her human. She made a mistake and was apologizing for it the day before. Then she got raked over the coals. If my mother had called me up with the same story, I would have told her it's fine and we'll celebrate when she gets here, and not to worry about it. I'm not trying to belittle the celebration of the first grandchilds first birthday, it's just that I don't see that the CARD is important here. She didn't forget the birthday and was fully intending to have a nice family celebration when she came to visit in a few weeks. I don't see how that is a bad thing. JMHO.

[barbarhow]

It is a big deal to me. The problem is longstanding. In my family everyone sends everyone a birthday card-whether you are going to be with them to celebrate or not. Historically the exception is if you are with celebrating on the actual birthday then you have the card with the present.
She was invited to share the day with us but decided she couldn't and that we would celebrate it on Easter-which was fine. To me that doesn't mean that his birthday is now on Easter. His birthday is his birthday-not when she can be there to celebrate. It is not about her it is about Jack. And me for that matter. It is just one of a million ways she has managed to disappoint me. She gave me two paperback books and a long t shirt for a wedding shower gift. She did not like what I had registered for and would not be a part of it. She is a strange and self centered woman.
I appreciate your opinion-however-you just need to trust me that this wasn't an oversight-she is mad that we were not at her house (3 hours away) to celebrate his birthday.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[luvbeinmama]

Ah, yes, I understand. I had a feeling there was probably history behind it, because the incident itself didn't seem like a problem to me. How unfortunate for her that she is being petty about location. Something that, really, is immaterial and unimportant. Thankfully, Jack isn't old enough to care one way or the other. I hope it really did not ruin an otherwise joyous occasion for you. And Happy Birthday to Jack.

[redhookmom]

To me the first birthday is about he parents more then the child. Therefore I can understand you being annoyed. Jack does not know if he got a card or not but you do. It is about your Mom congratulating you on one hard year down!!!

[jubilee]

I totally know how you feel- my mom is the same way. I've had to deal with this for 12 years of her messing up my oldest son's birthday, and now I'm sure she will do the same for the baby. One year my sister (who is even worse about this) gave my son a birthday gift three months late. When he did get it, my sister said it was his birthday again- so, he got all upset because he didn't get a cake. He was only 3 and didn't understand. I wound up having to make a cake at 8pm! Anyway, I hope Jack had a great birthday!!

[barbarhow]

You guys are awesome. Thanks for making me feel better. It helps to know that my mother isn't the only wacky one in the bunch. Believe it or not-what makes it harder is that DH's mother is such a wonderful grandmother-she does ALL the right things-schmushes him, makes a fuss over him and buys him cute presents (and a card). It seems to magnify my mom's inadequacies-if that makes any sense at all.
We had a wonderful birthday celebration. We are exhausted and still recovering. Thanks for all the support.

[McQ]

Barbara ~ sorry your mom was such a jerk. And happy birthday Jack. Your mother is the one that's really missing out!

My father called the day before Declan's birthday thinking it was in fact his birthday. So when I said it's not today he was like when is it again? And then it was I'll get a card in the mail soon, would you rather have cash or a bond. How about a timely card gramps! Still no card.

And there's history here too. This is the man that walked out on my family when I was 15. We didn't talk at all for close to 7 years and that includes birthdays and Christmas. It finally got better when my grandparents got ill and he realized his kids didn't care for him. So slowly he's making amends. It's taken a long time. At first he was apalled that when he wanted back in our lives that we didn't welcome him with open arms. So anyway right around the time we were starting to talk again (by now 13 years later) I got engaged and he found out through the grapevine about a week later and called me and told me how awful I was for not calling to tell him, how hurt he was that he found out from a stranger, how he thought our relationship was getting better but that I was an awful daughter for not sharing my special moment with him. Then I was like listen you ass, DH proposed on MY BIRTHDAY and the only people I told were those who called me to wish me a happy birthday and don't sit there and give me this high and mighty how awful I am crap about us making progress when you didn't even remember my birthday. That shut him up pretty well but as you can see I'm still ticked about it. So I feel sorry that you have such a crappy parent too. They are really the ones missing out. But I swear, I will never treat my child like this. And I know you're a great mommy to Jack!

Allison
~ mommy to Declan 3.24.03
and number 2 EDD 9.14.04

[barbarhow]

Allison-Thanks. What a heartbreaking story. You are so right, though. They are the ones missing out. It sounds like your Dad is also pretty narcissistic. It's funny how they try to make amends and it is still really about them. It doesn't seem to be about his realizing that he was a crappy father, more about his fear of being alone and without his kids as he ages and perhaps becomes ill or frail. At least that is my interpretation of things since it seems it took your grandparents illness to make him open his eyes. Now if he would only take the blinders off....
It is always so validating and comforting to know that others have similar struggles. It can be hard-logically I realize I should give up hope that she will ever change but it is very hard to. Years ago I started buying myself gifts on holidays because when they were all over and I had bought her thoughtful and beautiful gifts and she had given me a pair of socks with kitty cats on them (she has plenty of $-although I am not looking for a monetarily valuable gift-just something that shows she can be thoughtful and pick something appropriate for who I am as an adult) I realized that she was never going to figure it out. So now I buy myself something that I wish my mother could think of giving me. Sounds dumb but it makes me feel better. I rambled....
You are totally right-it is their loss. What a huge loss it is. Unfortunately it also ends up being a loss for our kids. Jack is lucky though, my DH's parents are more of the "I love my grandkids and I am going to spoil them rotten and love them to bits." (Oh yeah-my Mom only held the baby twice in the 24 hours she stayed with us after the baby was born-and then only because I put him in her arms.)
Declan is lucky to have a Mom as awesome as you! And so exciting that he is getting a sib. Hope you are feeling great!
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[McQ]

Thanks Barbara ~ you pretty much hit the nail on the head with my father. He's the most selfish, self-centered person I know. And it is all about him, his needs and the fear of being alone. That makes me sad for him but I've chucked it up to I'll never have what a father should be and just deal with him for what he is. Sounds like you've done much the same with your mother. It's nice that you've found a way to make yourself feel better with your holiday tradition. But sorry that your mother is such a let down.

You're such a great mom too and we're both making up for crappy parents in spades! May Declan and Jack only know how very much they are loved and always will be!

Allison
~ mommy to Declan 3.24.03
and number 2 EDD 9.14.04