Overstimulation!!!!

[lmariana]

How in the world do you keep anxious relatives from overstimulating your baby???

We had a big family night tonight with my hubby's parents, grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins, sister, etc... Gabriel is the first baby in their family in over 20 years, so he's a big deal and the center of attention, of course. All night long, everyone was passing him around and shoving stuff in his face to get him to laugh. I understand that they're excited to see him and love him, but sheesh.

Long story...but now, at 1:15 am EST, Gabriel is NOT sleeping and I know it's because he was grossly overstimulated this evening. He normally sleeps 11-12 hours straight, and just woke up crying after 3 hours of sleep.

So, how can I prevent this from happenning again without being a total witch about it? Note, his family is EXTREMELY sensitive and gets offended VERY easily, and once they're offended...you pay. They're never openly rude, at least not to your face, they just make rude and insensitive comments when you're not there. :) Once you're in the doghouse, you never get out. They still make fun of us for being 20 minutes late ONE time...now we're known as the "late" people.

To give you an idea...
9:45 AM Christmas morning 2002, hubby and I (pre-baby) are visiting my family and opening presents and telling them that's we're pregnant. We're scheduled to be at his parent's house at 12 PM, and they live about 40 minutes away. His sister begins calling his cell phone just to "make sure we're going to leave on time". She calls FOUR TIMES! We end up leaving my parents' house at 11:40 am. At 11:45 am, we're on the road to his parent's house when we get the 5th call from his sister. She's now YELLING at my husband because we're going to be late and "You weren't like this before Mariana." WHAT?!?!?!? He hung up on her. Oh, and I should note that she's 27 years old and married. Ugh. That still boils my blood.

Anyhow, how can I handle my baby like I know I should without causing major drama?

Mariana
Mother of Gabriel, 08/14/2003

[flagger]

You can either wear your baby or not go. How often do you have these big family nights? I know you are terribly upset and your baby is realy overtired.

I will say that I don't know but have been told I was passed around at big family functions as an infant. I can remember huge family gatherings growing up and I made friends with a variety of cousins and uncles. I also know that any of them would have gone without to help my parents had they ever been in need.

[lmariana]

They're not very frequent, only 5-6 times a year, so it's probably not a big deal. I tried wearing Gabriel in the Bjorn one time and got some dirty looks! They were insulted! I guess they took it as...I didn't trust them to hold him, or something. Oh well. I think it's just that I feel like I can't have control over my own child. Does that make sense? :)

Does this get easier as they get older?

Mariana
Mother of Gabriel, 08/14/2003

[amp]

Totally makes sense! I don't have any advice, but I commiserate with you! Before we even left the hospital, after I had my C-Section, my MIL would come in and stay for like 2 hrs and never hand my son back to me. I couldn't do anything about it when I was lying in bed. I finally lost it, crying, etc. and told DH that I felt like I was at their mercy and had no control over what happened to this little person I just gave birth to. Like I wasn't even in the room. So, even though it's a completely different situation, I feel your pain at feeling like you are at their mercy! Good luck to you! And if you figure it out, let me know!;-)

[Momof3Labs]

Mariana, ultimately you need to do what is right for your baby and not worry about what your DH's relatives think. This is one reason I loved nursing - if I saw Colin getting overstimulated, I would take him away to a quiet room to "nurse" - he may or may not eat, but at least I could settle him down. If it means that you carry a "reputation" for the rest of your years, so be it - at least you are taking care of your child's needs!

And it doesn't sound like giving in to them makes them any happier - they'll find something to complain about regardless of what you do!

[trumansmom]

This is exactly what I would suggest. I often used this excuse when I was feeling overstimulated as well!

As far as dealing with a reputation (I've got one in my family as well) for being overprotective - so what? Just accept the fact that people are going to expect that of you and go with it. If people think you are slightly crazy about the way you take care of your child, you tend to be able to get away with more! :)

Or, you can use the line I used on my MIL in a fit of total frustration, "You had years to make your own mistakes and screw up your own children - it's my turn to screw up my own!" Thankfully, she laughed it off as post-partum hysteria.

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/29/01 and EDD 4/23/04!

[KGoes]

Both of our families specialize in drama. I, too, have used the nursing excuse on numerous occasions, but I think a general feeding excuse would work just as well, since no baby eats well with all that distraction.
As for the rest, I just let them talk about me. I discovered early on that those members of our families who thrive on drama need a scapegoat and no matter what I did, I had been elected as chief oppressor to the well meaning family members. The blase attitude was hard to maintain at first because it does sting, but as relatives' antics have escalated to the ludicrous post-DD, it has become easier to take a position, stand by it, and let them grumble (happily) about me.
BTW, the "extremely sensitive" "easily offended" routine is the type of passive/aggressive behavior that prompted my new attitude.
Kelley
DD born 7/03

[jk3]

Wow! good for you! Every time I get the courage to say anything to the inlaws it eithers comes out the wrong way or I'm sure I come across as crazy.

My inlaws sound as bad as all of yours. They have good intentions for the most part but it's very, very difficult for them to see anything from a perspective other than their own. They feel like they don't see the baby a lot-and my parents definitely do-so they feel they can do whatever they want when they see him, including keeping him awake when he should be napping and holding him 24-7 even though he likes to crawl around.

I'm not sure I can offer any helpful advice because all of my attempts to control the situation at all have backfired. If it's only a few times a year, try to handle the get togethers as best as you can. Try to meet everyone during the morning or afternoon so you + your child can decompress before bedtime.

[papal]

Ugh! Mariana.. i feel your frustration mama!! It is truly a delicate balance.. being a good mommy or being a good daughter-in-law/sister/daughter/relative.... I agree with Lori and others.. the baby's needs should come first but it is HARD... especially when relatives don't see the baby much throughout the year. They only overstimulate them because they love them so much!! With my sister and my cousin, i just simply say 'OK, time for Leela's nap' and take her away. They used to complain before.. 'she does not look sleepy' etc etc. but when they saw how cranky she got and how miserable i was, they realized that Leela needed her naps. I wish your in-laws were more understanding... you really have to do what is best for your baby.. but i know how tough that can be.
Hope you can work it out!

[lmariana]

Last night was destined for meltdown before we even got there. They scheduled an 8 PM dinner and still expected to play with my baby! His bedtime is no later than 9 PM! We have a strict nighttime routine that we follow, which is difficult to do when we're not at home, let alone surrounded by other loving relatives. :) Gabriel is such a social butterfly that he won't get fussy AT ALL around other people, he just keeps smiling no matter what. I guess he got that from me, it's my "defense mechanism". So everyone just keeps feeding off of the cuteness...his, not mine.

I think hubby and I need to get on the same page. If it comes from him, they'll take it better than if it comes from me. Sweet husband, he's just so oblivious to anything going on with Gabriel, especially with other people around.

On the positive side, my family rocks our world. Even hubby prefers to spend time with my family over his. It's a nice balance from the drama. :) We have babies popping out every 18 months, like clockwork, so there's more experience and understanding there. (I have over 20 cousins, 18 of which are female!) I'm just so not used to any kind of drama, coming from a really laid-back family.

Oh well..variety is the spice of life...

Mariana
Mother of Gabriel, 08/14/2003

[dogmom]

I guess I haven't thought about this much, but I do deal with this. From friends wondering why we can't bring my son over more often when they have parties at 7p (His bedtime is now 7:30 at night, and no, I won't just "put him down to sleep on you bed, and by the way your dog is hostile to him.") to insisting he goes down for naps when he needs them, no matter what other adults think. My attitudes is just I am his mother and primary caregiver, I know my baby best, and if I take him away from you because he is overstimulated and needs a break I'm going to give about that much explanation and no apologies. I think it's all in the attitude. Short direct sentences, no pausing for feedback from someone else, just I simple declarative, "Got to take the baby now, too overstimulation." Then leave with the baby.

If someone has a problem with it they can talk behind my back all the want, I'm going to do what I think best for my child and me because I am not into making my life more difficult. If it isn't this it will be something else your inlaws are going to find to complain about, so just do what you want as long as your husband backs you up. Besides, you are the gateway to your child. So they need to go through you to get to the baby. You are the one in control here, so don't let them get to you.

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03

[Imperia]

UGH!

I am sorry you are going through that. Relatives can be trying sometimes. My DH's mom came to stay with us righta fter DD was born and I thought I would kill someone! She kept giving me very old, unsolicited advice (put the baby on it's tummy to sleep because of fears of aspirating vomit!) and she wanted to hold DD ALL the time. When she was a newborn it gave me a physical pain to see someone else (other than DH) holding her; I often had to get up and leave the room.

Is it possible for your husband to be teh "bad guy" in this situation? I mean it's his family maybe tehy would take it better coming from him? And if they don't, tough! This is your child and you know what's best for him. Have DH try to explain or do as everyone else suggested adn use that nursing excuse!

I hat eto sound rude, but your DH's family doesn't seem to be very considerate of you having a new baby! Scheduling supper for 8 o'oclock is just ridiculous. Maybe next time you could arrive awhile before dinner and let them play with him, and then put him to sleep?

Good luck!

Imperia

[Melanie]

I'm so sorry. I can't stand it when people did that to Ds...he's not a toy he's a person. I finally just said that to one of them (after they'd asked to hold him and 30 seconds later said to someone else "DO you want to hold him?"). I feel it's very disrespectful to the child. We just emphasized that it is important to ask HIM or US if he wants to be held by someone. Now he's old enough to answer for himself.

I can relate to the drama, I so don't deal well with it. My family goes to ridiculous lengths to avoid drama, while others (ahem...ILs) do not.