Stuck in the middle...WWYD?

[Melanie]

Dh has issues with his mother. Frankly, ITA with him, but I try to stay way out of it so that if someday they solve it, I'm not labeled the evil DIL.

Unbeknowst to me, until just this weekend, Dh has been putting his mother off being vague (yes, passive-aggressive style - LOL) about lunches and visits with us. I had noticed she'd been calling me more often or leaving messages on our machine stating they were for ME, but I didn't realize the reason. SO then I go, make plans, make sure he can go (b/c I really have nothing to talk to her about except Ds - we are very different). So, I finally figured/found out what's been going on this weekend. Coincidentally, we had talked about lunch this week, I'd told her I wasn't sure and she said something about "Well, I can bring lunch to your house!" and as it turns out I did have plans. (My brain is a sieve). So, I got Dh to call her and let her know we couldn't get together this week. I don't think he told her why.

This morning, phone rings, my instinct is to screen it and sure enough, she's left a message for ME. *SIGH*

What do I do (not just today, but in general)? Do I just ask Dh to spill his guts to her? Do I just avoid her like he is? Do I stay neutral and get together with her on my own (so not fun)? Do I drive my Dh nuts by only working out ways so he has to be there, too? Any other ideas?

I feel like she's going to think I'm holding her grandson hostage. She rarely sees him (due to her life) anyway. She bugs me when she's over b/c of how she acts with him, but it's not anything damaging. She likes to "Teach" him stuff and it drives me nuts as we prefer him to initiate things. Since they don't visit too often, we decided to just grin and bear it for a couple of hours a month.

Thanks...

[pritchettzoo]

I'm convinced that my MIL has three sixes emblazoned on her scalp and thankfully we no longer have contact with them...so take my advice with a grain of salt (the salt being that I wouldn't have to follow my own advice!)...

Does she have to be directly supervised with your son? Can you fold laundry/pay bills/cook dinner/clean out your closet in another room while she's there? If you could, then you could give her some dates with specific times where DH should be available but in case he bails on you, you'd have a project to do. If she's not available or chooses not to make herself available at those times, then it's not your fault--you gave her the opportunity to visit with DS.

Also, I'd force DH to make the decision. Or push him a little--if his issues make him not want his mom to be around your son, then maybe that should be his call--and he should have to tell her. Either way, you'll probaby be the evil DIL. I think that's just the way it goes. No one wants to think that her child doesn't like her--it must be that evil wench her darling son married that has poisoned his mind against her. YKWIM?

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[Raidra]

I agree with trying to have her come over and play with your son while you try to get some things done. Maybe you can make it seem more like a favor. If you can't do that, though, I'd try to stay out of it. My mom strongly dislikes my dad's mother, and my parents always argue about it. I don't know that my grandmother knows about it, though.

And just to give you the opposite situation that we're in.. my mother-in-law has never seen Colwyn. She lives in FL and we're in MA, so she would have to fly up.. but we've offered to pay for her airline tickets several times. She absolutely refuses to come up here. We'll be visiting in July, but Colwyn will be 9 months old then. I've told her that it's very likely he'll be in the middle of a stranger-anxiety stage and probably won't want to go to her. Still, she won't come up. She also wants us to go down to visit her at Xmas this year, but my husband and I agree (I let him bring it up first) that if she doesn't visit us, we won't go for Xmas.. but maybe a week or two after. Her refusing to visit us isn't new, either.. my husband has lived up here for 5 years and she's only visited us once, and that was for our wedding. I feel bad for my husband because he feels like his mother doesn't want to see him or his son.. even though she's very clingy on the phone with him. Ugh. Mother-in-laws!

[papal]

Oooh... sound like a very difficult situation to be in. Just walking in your MILs shoes for a minute, I would think that the lady would feel really bad if she did not get to see her grandbaby. And she seems to really want to see him because she calls so often. Is there ANY way for you to gettogether for a couple of hours where she can be with him. I like Anna's idea of calling her to your place so you can get other stuff done while she is there. Or even meeting in a playground so you have to go home as soon as your son is tired.

[Melanie]

Great ideas, ladies. Now I'll just have to think of a project I can do to keep myself "occupied" while she's here. LOL. It's not that Dh has a problem with her being around Ds, perse, it's he's just getting increasingly annoyed at HER parenting choices the longer he's a parent. I know, he needs to find peace with it, but I"m not really one to tell him that.

Oh, and I called her back. Sure enough, she's sticking me in the middle. She wanted to invite us for dinner, actually beg us to come and try to get me to find a way to get Dh to say yes. Long story short, we haven't been over for dinner since Ds was about 5 weeks old (he's over 2 years now) and they acted like a couple of spoiled children b/c Ds' newborn timing wasn't going in tune with their dinner plans (yes, we told them not to *wait* for us to eat, they'd rather pout and wait and say dinner was ruined and then fight with eachother)...ever since it has just spiraled out of control with SFIL. So, before I even got the request fully out to Dh, he's like, "NO way." LOL. He gets to call her and tell her though.

Rachel, that's sad. We've got some of those, too, one is MY dad and he lives closer to us than anyone (like 5 minutes). I haven't seen him since my birthday (February), before that December, before that...um...February? *eyeroll* I've just come to the decision with relatives like that, it is absolutely their loss. They're adults and I just can't make them be good parents/grandparents. It's their choice how to act...for a while I was doing the whole "Well, he didn't have a father..." but dARN it, I don't care. We've all got our childhood sob stories and if you want to learn how to do something, you do. Okay, I'm ranting on the wrong grandparent. LOL.

Thanks everyone...