Friend acting very innappropriate with my baby.....how should I handle this??

[jerseygirl07067]

I just realized that I posted this in the lounge but it is more appropriate here...

My DH and I play on a coed softball team every week. I just started back a few weeks ago. We always bring DD with us, and keep her in the stroller in the dugout while we are playing. There are always two people who rotate sitting out each inning so they watch her while we are in the field. Normally DD is very calm and sucks on her fingers during the game. She is very social and smiles when everyone interacts with her. For four games there has been no problem.

Anyway, there is one girl on our team, Kathy, who really likes DD. She's only met DD once or twice. She always offers to hold her, and even offered to keep her in the car with her when it is cold out. Initially when I met Kathy I thought that was a nice offer but started to seem like her behavior was going a bit overboard. For example, it seems like Kathy will hold DD for an extremely long time, and when she is showing signs of hunger and crying she will take forever to give her back to me. I literally have to say, okay, she's hungry, let her eat now, I need to feed her, etc, etc. (I'm BFing and usually don't bring bottles to the game because it's only an hour) But that's not even the issue here.

This past week, we once again had DD with us, she seemed in her calm, relaxed state in her stroller. Everyone was hanging around before the game, and I was talking to a friend of mine, standing next to the stroller. Well Kathy literally sees DD, yells, "there she is!!", and runs over to the stroller, unstraps DD faster than you can say abracadabra and runs off with her to a spot about 70-80 feet away and starts holding her and rocking her back and forth. Everything happened so fast I was speechless. She didn't even talk to DD to make sure she was "okay" with her first. Nor did she ask DH and I if it was okay to even take her out of her stroller, not to mention briskly walk off with her in a fashion where she was now not in my immediate sight. I was watching her out of the corner of my eye. Well DD immediately started screaming and fussing, gee, wonder why??*&^#

So now the whole game she is fussing, and I'm on first base hearing my baby scream. My DH & I tried to sit out as many innings as we could to calm her down, and I even tried to nurse her for comfort in the dugout. No use there, I was so tense and now had no let-down so that didn't really work either. Finally by the end of the game, DD had calmed down. And then Kathy says, well, "I probably made her fussy, but I'll do it again!" She actually said that 4 or 5 times throughout the game which I thought was strange. Almost had a malicious tone to it. My DH, who normally gives EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt (to the point of nauseaum sometimes), even said, "Well, we'll help you to make sure you don't."

This girl Kathy also keeps asking to babysit but I am starting to think that her behavior is very inappropriate. In fact I now feel that when she babysits it will be a cold day in h*ll. In addition, she was constantly trying to tell me what to do with DD to calm her down after this whole thing happened. "Do this, do that, your baby is hungry, etc, etc". I just ignored her at that point. Keep in mind, this girl is single, and states that she never wants to have kids, she just likes to play with them .

I want to say something to this girl. I don't know what it is but my gut tells me there is something weird about her behavior. What do you think is the best way to handle this? It makes me not even want to play softball when this nut is around...And it really sucks when I've been working from home all day in addition to taking care of DD (two jobs at the same time), then I go play softball with a screaming, scared baby.

Any opinions on this would be appreciated!

Marcy & Baby Samantha (12/22/03)

[bluej]

I say trust your instincts. If your gut says not to trust the girl, then don't trust her. I have no advice on what you could say to her, but whatever you do say, sounds like it has to be said in a firm tone and possibly repeated several times.

[mamicka]

I can only tell you what I think I would do in that position. I might or might not actually tell her how inappropriate I thought her behavior was but I would definitely quit playing softball. I wouldn't even go watch my DS play. I would avoid seeing that woman at all. I think she sounds like a nutjob.

Allison (Mamicka to Lawrence 6/17/03)

[aliceinwonderland]

I have no baby yet, but I'm old enough to know some people can be very weird with little babies...due to their own problems and needs, or whatever else is going on in their lives...Anyway, this is not at issue here.
I agree with the previous poster, trust your motherly instict and avoid this girl. Personally, I would not say anything per se, just somehow make sure she does NOT come into contact with your child, so there's no oppotunity for weirdness. I'm sorry, if this means quiting softball, then so be it. It doesn't sound like "talking about it" would make it better in this case.
Just my .02 cents, I may be wrong, but this is what I would do in that situation...

eri and the bean, due April 19th :)

[papal]

If your instincts are kicking in and telling you to stay away from this weird girl, then listen to your instincts. If that means getting a babysitter or quitting softball.. then so be it. That is what i would do anyway... there are some serious weirdos out there and you don't want your dd being near them!!

[ivparker]

Maybe try getting a friend you trust to come with you to the games and what your baby. Then hopefully the person that is watching her could have her in their arms that the other nutty girl wouldn't or couldn't. My husband and I did that for friends of ours when they played softball, although there wasn't a nutty girl proble. Hope everything works out.

Ivanna
EDD 6-9--04

[JElaineB]

She sounds very weird. I would not feel comfortable with her around my baby at all. Is there any way you get can a sitter to watch DD at home while you are at the games? I wouldn't really trust bringing a sitter to the game because if the woman took DD away while you were standing right there a sitter wouldn't be able to stop her. Do whatever your mommy instincts say to keep your baby safe!

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[deborah_r]

She sounds clueless and inconsiderate, but not necessarily dangerous, to me. Not to say her clueless and inconsiderate behavior could not possibly cause your baby harm, but I do not think she has any sinister intentions towards your baby. That's the feeling I get from what you have told us.

I was thinking maybe she is one of the only people who is single/without children and so feels like she has the energy and time to "help" you guys out? People who have their own children and are there to play softball are probably not going to want to devote a lot of time to your baby as they are just enjoying being away from the kids and having some "me time". But for someone who doesn't have kids, playing with your baby may be more fun for her than playing ball?

Or maybe she's trying to impress some of the single men on the team with a motherly vibe, so then they would see her as a potential mate :)

Couldn't you and your DH alternate being in and out of the game so one of you can stay with her at all times? I hope something works out for you. I used to love playing softball, but after living in so many places and ALWAYS encountering some strange or annoying people on the teams, it stopped being fun for me.

[lisams]

I guess it depends on how well you know this friend.

I get the feeling she is more of an acquaintance when you say "this girl". In that case if I were you, I would not trust her with my DD unsupervised. It really sounds like she is trying to prove that she can calm your DD by not letting you have her when she starts crying. If you realy don't know her that well then I would feel uncomfortable with all of her offers to be alone with your baby (taking her to the car, babysitting, taking her and walking away from you) that raises a BIG red flag in my book!

If she truly is a friend, then I would take the time to explain that you really appreciate her help and give her some tips to what works best with your DD (instead of pointing out the negative like "when you scream DD gets scared" you could say instead "I've found that singing my favorite song quietly really helps calm DD down." or better yet find something good she has done, let's say gently rocking DD, and tell her how much your DD seems to like when she does that.

I hope you are able to continue playing softball and are able to work things out! Good luck!

Lisa

[suribear]

Wow, even if she has good intentions, she sounds strange. I wouldn't want her around my children, honestly, as her behavior was simply inappropriate! Trust your instincts, for sure.

Kris

[clb0556]

Wow, Marcy. This sounds exactly like what happened to me with my next door neighbor when my son was born.

I would try to be nice at first and tell her to "back off". Unfortunately for us that didn't work for our next door neighbor. I'm usually a very nice person but I ended up surprising everyone and telling her off and slamming the door in her face. The only difference is our neighbor is an alcoholic and would show up drunk. She had us worried because she went off the deep end a long time ago after having 2 ectopic pregnancies that resulted in a hysterectomy. Which is why she hoarded the baby like Kathy did. Maybe there's a more deep rooted problem with this girl as with our neighbor?

Just do what you have to do to protect your baby. You always hear horror stories about baby abductions and it's almost always people you know who do it.

Please keep us updated!

Janine
Mommy of Tristan

[jerseygirl07067]

Wow. That's interesting about your neighbor! Good for you for stepping in to protect your baby.

Marcy

[amp]

This is exactly what I was thinking. It sounds like your instinct is right on target and I am a *huge* fan of following your mommy instinct! Confronting it might be necessary and I would definitely consider that, but I am with Ivanna. If playing ball is a great outlet for you, and you want to continue doing it, bring along a friend, or a babysitter of sorts. I mean, granted, you can't expect that person to necessarily be the hard as*, but you will at least have someone holding her if necessary and then you can jump in, if necessary, and say, "Sorry, but Mary is here just to take care of baby, so you won't be able to take her today." Or something to that effect.

Trust your gut!

[Saartje]

My best guess is that Kathy doesn't realize how inappropriate her behaviour with your DD is. I agree with those who are telling you to trust your instincts and not leave her alone with the baby, but since this is someone you'll continue to see on the ball field (unless you give up the game, which I urge you not to do), try to establish this in a way that won't leave her feeling hurt and singled out. (This is for the safety of your daughter in her presence in the future — in case the young woman actually is unstable in some way — and to reduce group tensions in the future, not just to spare her feelings.) Explain to Kathy in particular, and perhaps to others in general, that you're a new mom, you're feeling very protective, and that you don't want anyone to hold the baby without permission, and not out of your sight. Blame it on irrational new-mother worries, and no one need go away feeling hurt. Explain the situation fully to someone you trust (either someone on the team who will be in the dugout, or a friend or relative who would be willing to come to games with you) and put that person entirely in charge of watching your daughter while you're on the field. Establish a time limit on how long anyone except you, your DH, or the person in charge is to hold DD, explaining that while your daughter seems fine, she actually gets overstimulated if she's held too long by other people and winds up being fussy all night.

That's the diplomatic way. The blunt way may fit your personality better — not knowing you, I can't say. The blunt way would be to simply say, the next time you bring DD to a ball game and Kathy tries to hold her, "I'm sorry, Kathy, but I don't want you to hold her for a while. You scared her and me the last time you did, because you took her out of sight and kept her there. I'm not going to let that happen again, because it's not fair to my daughter, and it's not any fun for me to try to play ball while my daughter screams." Don't be confrontational about it, but do be firm. If she apologizes, tell her you might let her hold her again in a few weeks, when you've stopped being angry and when you're not worried about your daughter being scared again. (And in that case, consider in a few weeks whether you'll be comfortable with her holding your daughter within limits: You'd want to tell her, before letting her hold the baby again, that she's not to pick her up without permission, and only for a few minutes at a time.) If she doesn't apologize, then you absolutely don't want to let her hold the baby again. Make sure everyone on the team knows this, and why; make sure that she will never be the one left in the dugout with your baby.

All in all, as I said, I suspect Kathy doesn't realize she's overstepping the boundaries of propriety. She seems to have realized it at the last game, and her "I'll do it again!" remark was probably meant not to be a creepy, possessive comment about your baby, but an effort (that unfortunately did not convey at all what she meant to) to tell you that she cares about your child, even if the baby is fussy (that is, she may have been trying to set herself apart from other young women who like to play with a happy baby, but refuse to hold one who's crying). Try to help her learn to recognize what's okay and what isn't when it comes to other people's children, whether you do so subtly or straightforwardly — but make sure you do it in a way that leaves you feeling secure about your daughter's safety.

Whew! Long response, but I hope that helps in some way. I hope you'll let us know how things turn out.

[zen_bliss]

i read this earlier, and it has been bothering me all day. trust your gut.

as described, this woman sounds troubled. the best thing to do is keep it simple and detached -- make any sort of interaction with DD impossible; if she presses, just calmly say that you don't need help, thank you, without being drawn into a conversation where she feels like she needs to defend what she did or save face. you are not required to list the reasons you don't want her to watch DD -- to do so is to open a negotiation, and it is not negotiable. a confrontation is likely to not serve you well, and if she is dealing with an 'issue' or just plain unhinged, a confrontation will just raise the stakes in her mind.

i recommend that you take a look at an excellent book -- 'the gift of fear' by gavin debecker. it is not alarmist bombast as the title might suggest. it is very well written, and a good read. the bottom line is -- trust your instincts, they are well-informed; and give no energy back to your harasser (this includes 'negative' energy to set them straight -- they feed on it). i speak from experience. there are few worse feelings than being in a troubling 'i knew it' situation that you allowed against your own instincts, because you didn't want to seem 'rude', etc.

best wishes. this sounds like a tough situation.