I guess my mother will NEVER get to know Lauren...

[etwahl]

i'm SOOOOO furious right now. i just got off the phone with my mother. she's only seen lauren for 2 days right after she was born. Even that was tough to arrange. they spend their winters in a little house on the arizona/nevada border (5 hours away from our old house in san diego). my dh had to practically beg them to come and see me after the baby was born. he actually asked them to come and stay for 2 weeks to help but they only stayed 2 days. we got in a minor fight while she was there, but big deal, right?

so last winter we asked if they'd come stay with us. yes, we now live in north carolina and it's a lot further, but that's life, right. they had all sorts of excuses. they said it was too far to drive. so we said fly (we even offered to pay at the time). they "don't" fly and she said they werne't comfortable navigating airports. WHATEVER! but she said maybe next winter (this coming winter). they said they'd drive it.

well i just asked her point blank if they'd be coming this winter and she said no. she said it was too far to drive (even though they drive from alberta to nevada EVERY year and stay for 4-5 months). apparently it's okay for them to drive that distance but not to drive our house, and flying, oh no.

i've been thinking about flying there, even by myself with just lauren (although it would be a long day) but the flights are expensive, so i don't just want to go on the spur of teh moment. i'd want to PLAN it.

so i said, "so you're never going to get to know lauren?" and she said "oh i know, it's so hard, but i guess that's the way it is sometimes". i told her how hard i was trying to make this happen (me flying there alone with lauren doesn't excite me too much, but i was willing to try it). and while we're on it, why should we pay to go visit them EVERY time? even when they came and stayed at our house, we pretty much paid for everything while they were there. and we always pay for flights when we go there. why should we be the ones to always foot the bill? i mean if they came to see us half the time, fine, no big deal, but if they're not willing to make any effort to come and see their granddaughter?

I'M FURIOUS. i guess that's the way it is going to be then. it is another reason i hate living on the east coast, because on the west coast at least I would make the effort, but it's harder for me living so much further, but on the other hand, when they are unwilling to make any effort, it makes me want to tell them where to go. and my parents aren't rich, but they aren't poor either. trust me when i say they could afford to do this if they wanted.

Tammy,
Mom to Lauren Genevieve
03/12/2003
www.evantammy.com

[trumansmom]

I really don't have any advice, just wanted to send some big hugs your way.

It sounds to me like they are missing out on a lot more than Lauren is. YKWIM?

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/29/01 and EDD 4/23/04!

[sbjf]

Oh Tammy, I feel for you sweetie. All I can say is that this week in particular I have found that family is a tough thing.

We love them, we want to see them, we have our own expectations and desires of what a family should/could be, yet we are not able to control that situation. It's so, so hard to accept that and I still have trouble with and still make familial mistakes unintentionally. Family is such a tough thing!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry you're feeling so blue over it all right now, hopefully you'll come to a place of peace over it eventually.

[etwahl]

oh even better, i just called my SIL to vent (who lives 35 mins from my mom). her and my brother have 3 kids.

she said they saw my parents last weekend for dinner, and my mom was talking about how i was complaining about being lonely and sad and that i CHOSE this life (e.g. to move away and marry a marine). she also said that SHE managed (she was a single parent for quite a while and had us three kids) so she doesn't know why i'm complaining. she also said that i clearly make things harder on myself. my SIL said she didn't get into specifics about that, but i'm assuming it's stuff like co-sleeping, things that i do because lauren is a spirited child (and she's clearly strongly attached to my hip), when i cut out all those foods from my diet, extended bfing, etc. etc. i could go on and on.

so apparently it seems my mother has no sympathy whatsoever about us being alone. apparently i "chose" this life, so too bad for me.

i'm starting to really wonder why i even want her to get to know lauren...of course i really do miss my brother's family also. but i guess that's the way it is. huh!

Tammy,
Mom to Lauren Genevieve
03/12/2003
www.evantammy.com

[barbarhow]

Tammy-so sorry for what you are going through. It is different but similar to the struggle that I have with my Mom. Its heartbreaking when we set expectations for our parents and they fall short-even when the expectations are small. I mean really-like my mom-shouldn't she be thrilled to have a new granddaughter and shouldn't she want to see Lauren even if she had to walk to NC to do it? Yeah. She should be. How heartbreaking.
Would your brother and his family come to visit?
And good for you for "choosing" your life. Remember that you made decisions based upon what is right for you, Evan and Lauren-not your Mom.
Lots of hugs to you.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[jojo2324]

Oh Tammy, I'm so sorry. I can relate. My family lives in the same town! My mom has been here about a dozen times since Gannon was born. Then she'll say something like, "Oh, he doesn't know me. I should visit more." Uh, I'm not stopping you! I always have to go to her house. All the kids are in school, she doesn't work, and I have to shlep across town with two little ones?

My FIL was great for a while, but then had a baby of his own. Now we barely see him.

It's too bad. My family is pretty split as it is, and I really hoped that with the birth of my children, they would be the magnet that brought everybody back together.

But definitely, you have done your fair share. It's not fair to Lauren, but maybe it's best if it seems like they don't want to even try to see her? Big hugs honey! You'll get back to the West coast soon, and I'll be hot on your heels! :)

[jec2]

Tammy,

Parents can really suck sometimes, can't they? There is this idea of what our parents "ought" to be and then there is the reality. The two are almost never the same, which is so disappointing.

My mom is driving me crazy and has since DS was born. She complains that she never sees him (well, duh, we live two states away) and that it is just too expensive to fly down. BUT, if she'd quit buying crap on Ebay she might have the $ to visit. It's all about priorities and unfortunately, ours are different. She would rather blow her $ on dime store #### (sorry) that none of us need or want and inevitably haul by the trunk-full to the Goodwill. I would rather save my money to visit one-on-one and build relationships, which is what I want to instill in my child. Plus, since I have lived away from home for the past 10 years I have flown home about twice a year (once in the summer and once at Xmas). And, then when we get there nobody really cares, they all go about their days like it's not novel that we're there. It really ticks me off that my family doesn't reciprocate and come visit us. And, don't even get me started on DH's mom.

sorry to dump on your blue mood, but I guess what I'm saying is that I can relate. It sucks, I know. But hopefully you can find some quality people to fill-in as "aunties" and "uncles" and "g-mas" and such for Lauren. This is what I am trying to do. And then there is the major step of just accepting that this is how they are.

[bluej]

I'm so sorry your mom is choosing to miss out on Lauren. Someday she will regret it and you can tell her that she CHOSE for it to be that way. I think her comments about your choices almost has me more irked than her not willing to make the effort to know her beautiful granddaughter. Enjoy Lauren and know that when you have grandchildren, it will be different.

[Sarah1]

No advice Tammy, just wanted to say I would be furious, too, and totally at a loss as to why she feels this way. Why do you think they're unwilling to make the effort? This would just absolutely INFURIATE me!

I'm sad for you, but at least you know that YOU are making the effort, and that's all you can do. This isn't your fault. I hope that at some point your mom can explain to you what she means by "that's just the way it is sometimes"? What's that about?

[etwahl]

i'm starting to think they don't really "like" kids. they don't see my brother's kids all that often and they live really close (one time even in the same town). my mom used to called me to complain about my brother wanting her to "babysit" and she just couldn't handle it. gee, if i had grandkids, i would consider it an honor and privilege, and certainly wouldn't refer to it as babysitting.

when i moved to california, i wasn't able to travel back home for 2.5 years (because of immigration stuff). dh and i were both to go back for christmas but at the last minute he left on a deployment for 7 months. so i went anyway. i hadn't seen my nieces for that long either and i was staying with my mom. i was only there for a week (at my mom's). we spent christmas day with them and then they went home that night. the next day they came back and we hung out most of the day. it was SOOOO nice (i've always been close to them and have really been sad missing out on them) and it was getting time for them to go home (30 mins away). i was leaving back to california the following day so i asked them if they'd stay overnight because i wanted to spend the last precious time i had with them. well my mom said NO! she said she was leaving for her nevada home in 3 days and didn't want the "kids" messing up her house. PLEASE!!! we had been playing games and cards all day, there was no mess. she basically was treating me like i was a kid again, so i just said fine, that i would go home with my brother and they'd take me to the airport the next day (i had a sinus infection and was in NO mood). i was hardly able to say goodbye to her. i mean she can just be so evil sometimes.

growing up they were ALWAYS working. i was always alone or with my friends most evenings and weekends, because they spent all their time working. they claim to be so poor, yet all they ever did was work, buy and fix up rental properties, etc. but they NEVER spend their money. i mean never. my mom was dirt poor growing up and i think that had a major effect on how she is about money. i also think she believes kids should be seen and not heard. i firmly believe i have such a great relationship with my nieces because i never bought into that line of crap. i was always the one on the floor playing games, being silly, etc. while all the other "adults" drank, smoked, etc.

oh, and my mother has ALWAYS referred to me as "spoiled". and her definition of spoiled is me liking nice things and getting them for myself. i mean i started working a waitressing job when i was 14 and from then on bought all my own clothes. any success i've had in my life, she's always told me how spoiled i am. and when evan does things for me, i'm DEFINITELY spoiled then. part of me thinks there's a resentment there. i mean i know she's happy for my successes, but i also think there's something else.

sigh. this got long! i guess some bottled up stuff came spilling out.

Tammy,
Mom to Lauren Genevieve
03/12/2003
www.evantammy.com

[etwahl]

my brother and family don't have a lot of money, so they can't afford to fly. dh and i did help them pay for a trip to stay with us when we lived in san diego and am so glad we did that, because i think it was the best time and the girls had the time of their lives. it was so worth every penny.

ETA: my mom told me today i should let lauren "play" in her crib and that way i could get stuff done around the house. i told her that our house is babyproofed and she can "play" wherever she wants, but that most of the time she wants me down there playing with her. my mom definitely doesn't understand my parenting style. which is fine. she raised her kids. we have different styles. i just wish she wouldn't talk about me behind my back to others because of it.

Tammy,
Mom to Lauren Genevieve
03/12/2003
www.evantammy.com

[etwahl]

joanne, hmmm, maybe i'm actually lucky we don't live closer to my family. perhaps it's just a blessing in disguise!!!

Tammy,
Mom to Lauren Genevieve
03/12/2003
www.evantammy.com

[Sarah1]

There probably is some resentment there and it doesn't sound like she is good at communicating. My mom (although she comes and visits us all the time so I can't complain about that) is totally unemotional. I think she said "i love you" to me less than 3 times my entire life (fortunately my dad made up for this--he's fairly touchy feely), although I know she does love me, but she's a terrible communicator about anything remotely serious.

When you said you think your mom doesn't "like" kids, I was sort of thinking that might be it. Some people are just not into spending a lot of time with their kids and grandkids. I think they like to sit and WATCH them run around IF it's convenient for them AND if the kids aren't getting in the way...and since it isn't convenient for your mom, it sounds like she just doesn't feel like dealing with it when it's so much easier to just stay home and do nothing.

Try not to let it bother you too much. It's really hard when your parents disappoint you, though, isn't it? I hope it made you feel better to talk about it :)

[etwahl]

it definitely makes me feel better to talk about it. being able to vent gets it out of the system. and i think her not really "liking" kids is another reason why she doesn't understand my parenting style. my style most fits your traditional "attachment" style and she just DOES NOT get it. i don't think she understands why or how i can be so hands-on with lauren. i'm pretty certain she can't understand my wanting to be a SAHM. gotta run. miss lauren is waking up... thanks for listening!

Tammy,
Mom to Lauren Genevieve
03/12/2003
www.evantammy.com

[COElizabeth]

I'm sorry your mom is so unwilling to make any effort. She is really missing out. It sounds like the best family relationship is with your brother and his daughters, so maybe you could visit them instead? Or if the girls are old enough to travel alone, could they come visit you if you bought their tickets? That might not be much more expensive than you and Lauren going there, and it might be easier than you traveling such a distance with a 1-year-old. Of course if you do visit them, then maybe your mom would at least come over to see Lauren at their house, although at this point it would serve her right if you flew all the way to Canada to visit them and didn't even tell her you were there! Probably not a good idea to do that, but tempting!

Elizabeth, Mom to James, 9-20-02

[jojo2324]

Tammy, I think Elizabeth's idea is great!! If you were willing to go home in the first place, could you visit with your brother and nieces instead, especially since you miss them so much? It'll be good for everybody - I don't know about Lauren, but an older kid only needs to *breathe* near Gannon and he erupts into fits of giggles. He LOVES older kids! I'm sure you would all have a blast! :)

[papal]

{{{{ Tammy}}}}
That totally stinks Tammy!! I am so angry for you! I cannot understand why your mom is being so mean about visiting you and Lauren!! Lauren is her granddaughter for crying out loud!!! Even if she does not agree with your parenting style, SO WHAT???? Lauren is her grandchild!!!! Her baby's baby. I am just mad that she would do this to you. I cannot imagine how angry I would be if my mom tried to pull anything similar. This just stinks. Why don't people get it that FAMILY is THE most important thing in the world. Arrgghhhh!
Big hugs to you sweetie. I hope you can work something out.

[pritchettzoo]

I'm sorry your parents are being total morons, Tammy. I get so frustrated with family that I'm ready to toss most of them out of the window. DH's family is a total loss, and mine is just plain nuts (50/50 good-bad nuts ;) ). So we've made some really good friends and they are "aunts" and "uncles" to DD. I'd rather make my own "family" than be stuck with some of the total wing-nuts we've been assigned. Go where you and Lauren (and DH too of course) will be loved and valued. Screw the other people, regardless of relation. That's just my opinion, and that philosophy obviously does not lessen the pain you feel right now.

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[Vajrastorm]

Tammy,

I can relate. Not to the specific situation, but to the struggle of wanting family to feel and act like FAMILY. I can especially relate at the moment, having gone through same-old same-old trying to make Easter plans.

It is such a challenge to accept people for who they are. I always fall into the trap of hoping for more - and getting smacked back into reality.

Thank god for good husbands and great kids!

[sweetbasil]

Tammy, I'm so sorry your mom is missing out on you, Evan, and sweet little Lauren. Regardless of where you live, you shouldn't be the only one who has to make any effort. And that must really hurt, knowing that she's talking about you like that. Were you glad your SIL told you, or how did she convey the conversation?

[etwahl]

i was glad. i had called my sil to vent and she just brought up a few things because they're always trying to convince my parents to come see us and can't understand why they don't. but they know my parents aren't really kid-oriented and have been there, so she was nice about it. i know that my sil probably doesn't agree with some of my parenting choices either (attachment parenting styles are not even known about where i'm from...)

i think i've always dreamed of having a picture perfect family and have never had that. i always looked around at my friends who had that and was so jealous. so i think for my family, this is "normal" but when i see friends whose moms want to come and be there all the time, i get jealous wishing i had that.

but the main thing i focus on is how i will be when i'm a grandmother. i only hope lauren will want me around, because i plan to be very involved.

one interesting thing, my dad, who i didn't really "care for" for a number of years, well we made some serious peace recently and i told him what it was that had bothered me for years and he apologized and now we have a great relationship...i actually enjoy talking to him, and he's coming to visit this fall...and he lives in canada also (further than my mother). it's important to him. but he's always made the effort to visit, even if i wasn't all that close to him.

family. sigh.

Tammy,
Mom to Lauren Genevieve
03/12/2003
www.evantammy.com

[sweetbasil]

Well yay for your dad, Tammy, and good for you...when crappy things like that happen, I think it takes an incredibly strong person to turn it around and apply it to their own interactions. Your comment, "but the main thing i focus on is how i will be when i'm a grandmother. i only hope lauren will want me around, because i plan to be very involved." is a great sign that you're being the bigger person here, rising above how you've been treated, and wanting to be more and do more for little Lauren, when she becomes a mommy herself one day.

WTG, Tammy. And hugs from me, sweetie!

[etwahl]

thanks julie, you're a sweetie. honestly, i do agree with what others have said - making other good friends aunties and surrogate grandparents! i even have a "surrogate daddy" in san diego. my old boss. he's the greatest and i miss him so. i mean you can't pick your family, but you sure can pick your friends :)

Tammy,
Mom to Lauren Genevieve
03/12/2003
www.evantammy.com

[Eloise36]

Hugs, Tammy. It's so true that we can choose our friends but not our family, and sometimes, the people that hurt us the most are close family. It's an absolute shame your mum won't do more for you and Lauren - her life's poorer for it. Good for you for renewing your relationship with your dad, and for filling up Lauren's life with good friends.

I know that you will be an exceptional mother to Lauren and grandmother to her kids because of all you have been through. Good luck and good health!

[MinnieMouse]

Tammy we have some similar..but more passive aggressive issues with my MIL and stepFIL. MIL had two boys and when we got preggo (Bethany is the first grandchild on both sides) she was THRILLED! Talked about it constantly, had the 9wk u/s image framed next to her TV chair (don't get me started) and kept hounding us about not finding out the sex.

She lives in FL and we are in PA. She originally wanted to visit the SECOND Beth was born and was trying to figure out how to get last minute plane tix w/o mortgaging her home. Finally we talked her into planning on visiting close to 2mo after her birth, and that we had plenty of "help" before then.

Her first visit was fine. We went shopping a bit and she bought Beth some clothes and a few other things. But over time (Beth will be 3yo this summer) she's really become detached.

First off....stepFIL (he raised dh from 3yo...and dh visited FIL occasionally) has NEVER come up here for a visit. In the last 3yrs we've been down there 2x plus once while we were preggo. For Beth's 1st bday MIL was surprised when we asked her if she was planning on coming for it...and finally after she pleaded poor (again, don't get me started) WE flew her up here for it.

Both times we've visited there w/ Beth we've had an atrocious time. They have three untrained dogs, two are okay, but the third is petrified of Beth and tries to attack her so he has to be penned the entire visit. ILs sit and watch TV in the dark (curtains drawn 24/7 and the lights are dimmed to barely on) and expect us all to do the same...but only watch THEIR shows..sure a 2yo wants to watch reruns of ATeam all day. They never open a window or "do" anything.

The entire time we are there they practically ignore Bethany. Watch TV while dh and I play w/ her. We start doubting why we paid for 3 plane tix, rented a car and took vacation to sit in the dark and play w/ our daughter!

After the first visit dh told me we were never staying there again. We will continue to go down (they live outside Orlando), but we will stay at a hotel and do a few meals w/ them. Maybe a day at one of the parks (although FIL complains the entire time).

Dh and I decided that we cannot MAKE MIL want to be part of Bethany's life. We will do our part, share photos, tell her about her on the phone and visit every other year or so (more or less depending on the circumstances)... but we cannot obsess about their lack of interest. We can't fix them, we can't make them live up to OUR expectations of what WE think a grandparent relationship should be.

FWIW...FIL was a crappy dad when dh was growing up. He lives about an hour away with stepMIL (whom I connect with sooo much better than MIL...which makes me feel guilty...but dh understands) and is 3million times a better grandfather than he ever was a dad. I give dh a lot of credit for not allowing FIL's past history preclude him from the great relationship we have w/ him now...or the relationship Bethany has with him.

I guess my goal with this lengthy book about our situation...is that we had to come to a point of acceptance. We had to accept that MIL wasn't going to make the effort BUT that we were going to do our part....we cannot help that she won't step up to the plate.

In a recent development, MIL actually has volunteered to come up for a visit around Memorial Day. I think it's more to see her stepsister...but hey...we won't arue the reasoning. She'll be here for four days.

I agree w/ the suggestion of a few of the others....I would plan a visit to Brother and SIL, stay with them and visit w/ your mom a few times while there. That way YOU are making the effort and she can participate as little or as much as she wishes.

I hope this helps in some little way.

Christine