Mad at myself for not being able to say NO!!!

[papal]

Well, i am not sure this is a bitch.. i guess it is a self-bitch. I am one of those people who cannot say NO and i am getting mad at myself for being that way!
Yesterday we had some friends come over. They had insisted we borrow their infant car-seat for Leela and not to buy one. This was kind of them and it did save us some $$ but to be very honest, I had my heart set on another one but I did not know how to say NO. Also, they are not that close to us that I feel comfortable borrowing stuff.. i mean if we were in an accident, I would have to replace it with a brand new one when infact I could have just written it off and bought an RA.. YKWIM?
Anyway, we returned their seat to them yesterday because we have upgraded to the Britax RA. So I told them that we had got another seat and she was immediately like 'Oh, you should return it, I have an extra Graco one that you should use'. I did not have it in me to say, "NO Thanks, I would rather use the one I got." so i briskly changed the subject. She did the same thing when I said I was going to get the Me Too chair... she said she has one with ties that would be just as good. Now _even_ if it is true, I could not think of a way to politely say, "I have researched this and want to get a Me Too". I feel like sometimes we come across as snobbish or something because we tend to buy more expensive things . I don't see it that way.. i see it like buying a good product that will last a long time!! I don't know.. i get really flummoxed in situations like this and WISH i was one of those people that do not feel like I have to defend every decision i make!!! I wish I was more assertive!! I am just so pi$$ed at myself for not standing up for me. This really ticks me off.
Just had to vent!!!

[nitaghei]

Rashmi,

Want some lessons? Come on over!

But I do have a standard polite response for situations like this:

"Thank you so much for thinking about us."

And then change the subject. The key is to NOT offer any explanation or defend your decisions. Selective deafness is your friend!!

The more I read on these boards, the more I realize how blessed I am with my family and friends!! Though my ILs think I'm crazy to be CD'g - and SIL (DH's sister) & her DH make digs about my "expensive" stroller (my Pliko!!!). I was so tempted to tell then I was upgrading to a Bugaboo. :P But - not to hijack your vent.

Nita
mom to Neel, January 2003
dog mom to a cocker and a PWD

[deborah_r]

That does sound hard. Because if you say you don't want it, it's like saying their stuff is no good. But, geez, it sounds like they bought this stuff when they wanted it, and got to pick what they wanted, you should be able to do the same thing!

Personally, I wouldn't accept a used carseat from someone, as I do not know what it has been through. Maybe they got it from someone else, maybe it's been in a fender-bender or two. Maybe the cushions are worn out from use and it won't be as comfortable for Leela. I'm probably just paranoid, but I am not willing to skimp on carseats (NOT saying you are skimping, but sounds like they want you to, when you would rather buy what you know is a good safe product that is new).

I think you should decline the Graco seat, but I'm not sure how. Obviously you did not WANT a Graco seat, because you went and bought a Britax. This isn't just a toy or an outfit, it's a carseat that could save your child's life someday, and I think you need to have a very strong comfort level with which one you use.

JMHO

[pritchettzoo]

How about, "You are so sweet to think of us. But to be perfectly honest, I about had a heart attack every time Leela drooled on your car seat. I'm just way too anxious to borrow anything else. Besides, we hope to re-use these items with future babies so we look at it as a good investment. Thanks again for thinking of us. Oh, is that a new blouse? It's lovely! Have you seen X movie? I was in tears from laughing so hard!..."

Or have them call me and I'll tell them you don't want their crap. :P

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[papal]

I need more specifics Nita!!!
I just have a hard time making other people feel bad... ugh...like i would rather suffer with their crap than hurt their feelings by saying that their crap is.. well CRAP.

OK, so if someone says 'The nebulizer will really help with the congestion.. here it is." and then they hand you a box with a freakin nebulizer (i still have NO CLUE what the heck it is)... at that point WHAT DO I DO??? At that point do i say "No thanks, but thanks for thinking about us."?? Would they not feel HURT?? Or am i just being silly and paranoid? Or would they feel hurt and I should just not care??? I feel like they will think I am mean, which i truly am not.
:(
I need to take a class in this or something. I know they don't even think about it after the moment is over.. but i stress over it afterwards.

[papal]

Anna!!!! ROTFL! Gosh, how i wish you lived close by... you are a RIOT!! Thanks for the laugh... i wish i was more like you!!

[egoldber]

Anna has hit on (what I think) is the PERFECT passive aggressive solution. Always blame yourself! When they show up with a carseat, use the "I'm too worried about your stuff". For the nebulizer, how about "Oh I am far too paranoid of a first time mom to ever use that without getting hands on instructions from my ped first!"

[nitaghei]

For something like a nebulizer - I would probably say:
"Thank you. Can I get back to you after I talk with Leela's ped?" And change the subject.

If someone's trying to be helpful, and it's someone I like, I'm more tolerant and will actually explain. Something on the lines of - "I'm having so much fun researching baby gear and getting stuff for my baby . . . ." (This worked really well for us, because we had to wait so long to try for a baby).

At some point - if the other person is being really pushy and not picking up on your polite hints, then yes, you shouldn't care about hurting their feelings - since they aren't respecting yours.

It's all about boundaries!!

But I know what you mean - and there are some people I minimize contact with, including relatives, because it was just too intensely annoying. Remind me to tell you about the time that 4 different women decided to tell me all their birth/ delivery/ post-partum horror stories at a family get together when I was 13 weeks pregnant.

Nita
mom to Neel, January 2003
dog mom to a cocker and a PWD

[Momof3Labs]

Yep, that's exactly the response that crossed my mind, too!

[Chelsey333]

Sometimes I feel that same way. Someone will say, "Hey, we have a nice kiddie pool we don't use anymore, do you want it?" I say sure, and then it turns out it is filthy, moldy looking, and too huge too fit in my dh trunk to take to the dump. So we were stuck with it in our backyard for weeks until dh finally sawed it up to take to the dump. My new rule is to say (no matter what is offered) "let me take a look, but I already have something in mind that I really want". Maybe if you plan ahead that anytime she offers say "I fell in love with this product"... good luck!

[houseof3boys]

LOL at everyone's responses! I have the exact opposite problem...I am a meanie. I tend to say the exact thing I think and then have to soften it up afterwards. Everyone knows I am a big researcher and that I am a product snob now and they don't even offer a thing since I turn down everything. Now if Beth, Lori, Anna, Sarah's (mamahill and Sarah1), Neve, Nita, Denise and I could go on and on here offered me something *that* would be a different story and I would take it!!!!! :)

[dowlinal]

I completely understand your problem. My cousin is constantly trying to give me her old baby stuff - most of which is rated very poorly. It is so hard when people try to give you advice and/or their stuff because when you reject it they tend to take it personally. My way for dealing with this is to blame it on my mom or my ped. As in "oh thank you so much for offering your carseat but my mother already bought us one and I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings" or "I am so glad that a nebulizer worked for you but Madeline's doctor told us we should stick to using a humidifier" My mom is in on this so she backs me up when necessary. If all else fails, I accept the item, stow it in my basement until enough time has passed, and then return it with the explaination that we liked it so much that we went out and bought our own.

[tinkerbell1217]

I am the same way too! I find it difficult to say no to people and especially closer friends. I don't know how long I have had my friend's bridesmaids dress hanging in my room because she figured I would want to borrow it for my SIL wedding. Well, what made her think my SIL would want us to use used dresses?? So, it hangs there. Its not even the right color! It is tough to be assertive, but I am getting better. I also like to buy something a bit more expensive if I feel the benefits are good. I know the feeling of feeling like I come off snobbish, but lately I just don't care!!!


Kelly

[cinrein]

Count me in with the blame it on my Mom or ped group! My SILs tried to give us old strollers, high chairs, whatever. Our pat answer is that my Mom bought us one, or we still have money on our BRU giftcard and need to use it. What helps me the most is to be prepared at every meeting with them for an offer to loan baby stuff so I have a response ready!

BTW, I have a similar tactic for gifts for Anna. My ILs have the most horrid taste in clothing. I now travel armed with a very specific wish list of toys for Anna. If anyone asks what they can get her, I have a list! This keeps ugly clothes out of Anna's closet. I don't even want to discuss the 6 large Rubbermaid tote bins I had to go through that contained girl's clothing that was 9 years old.

Cindy and Anna 2/11/03

[kransden]

Try this little book- GENTLE ART OF VERBAL SELF-DEFENSE http://tinyurl.com/yqe26 it might give you some pointers on being a more effective communicator. I have the opposite problem, I am just too blunt. I am so much more likely to say "What the heck were you thinking" vs "Thank you so much for thinking of us" but I am working on it :)

Karin and Katie 10/24/02

[Vajrastorm]

>Try this little book- GENTLE ART OF VERBAL SELF-DEFENSE
>http://tinyurl.com/yqe26 it might give you some pointers on
>being a more effective communicator. I have the opposite
>problem, I am just too blunt. I am so much more likely to say
>"What the heck were you thinking" vs "Thank you so much for
>thinking of us" but I am working on it :)
>
>Karin and Katie 10/24/02

Me too!

Perhaps we could trade Rashmi and the others a bit of our bluntness for a little of their tact? That way we'd all be good.

[jesseandgrace]

Just try to look at it a little differently, it can be really fun. My MIL was always trying to feed us leftovers that IMO were too old and now I say. OMG I would NEVER eat that, I know its me but I am so paranoid about food. I think the strength of my response leaves no room to argue and it is kind of fun. I would say something like this to your friend, that's nice and I wish I were more frugal, but I'm just not and I AM going to buy that brand new Britax, so you are better off giving it to someone who will use it. You are not questioning their item, just explaining your needs. I am always polite to people, but you need to do what is right for you too!

I have to edit this because the perfect example just came up seconds after I posted this. We are in California for a few months visiting my MIL - we are subletting the apt. next to hers. In a few weeks my sister, BIL, and nephew are coming to visit. My MIL just said "Do you think your sister and all of you would like to have dinner here one night?" OK, I know my sister and she wouldn't. She will want to go out to eat. I know that will sound strange to some, but I know how she is. So, I said "Honestly, I know she would prefer to go out, but we would love to have you come with us." We then laughed about my high maintenance sister. I am glad I said no, because my sister is only here a few days and will want to explore local restaraunts.