I don't want the Grandparents driving the babes around. Help!

[wdland45]

Not sure if this is a B*tch , but I wasn't sure where to put it. This is something that I think is totally all me, but I still can't get passed it.

My sons are 2 years old and 9 months old. They have never been in a car driven by any of their grandparents. My ILs are starting to pressure DH about letting them drive them in the car. DH is feeling very uncomfortable because even though he understands why I don't want them driving with the ILs, he thinks I will have to eventually give in and let them. My MIL is a horrible driver, very easily distracted on the road by signs, people, birds, dogs, etc. I have been in the car several times where there have been close calls with her driving. I was much more willing to let my FIL drive until he recently got laser surgery on his eyes. Now he can not make out faces 20 feet in front of him and is unable to read closeup. The eye doctor told him he still needs glasses, but he didn't want to get them. So, now he makes me nervous too. My mother does not want to drive the kids anywhere, so she is not a problem.

I know that there is a lot more to this problem as well, because I feel it is a slippery slope with the ILs. Once we let them drive the kids a couple of times, I KNOW the ILs will want to buy car seats for their own cars, then they will want to take them on longer outings and then mini vacations, and this is something that I do not want.

So, do I just let the kids in the car with the ILs and just accept what the future brings (them getting car seats, longer outings, mini vacations, etc.) or try to nip things in the bud if I think it's not going well. Obviously this is eating away at me. It feels better just to write it down. I know many, many of you do not see this as a problem and are lucky to feel comfortable depending on the grandparents, but when it comes to driving, I just don't. And I know this is just crazy, but I can't bring myself to letting it happen. I know I have to let them drive, and even though I don't want to, how did I make myself do it anyway. UGH!

Danielle, Mom to Alex, 12.03.01 and Brian, 7.27.03

Edited for spelling and for correcting my own crazy ramblings.

[HoneymoonBaby]

You don't have to risk the safety of your babies just to keep the peace. I would never let my baby ride with my in-laws . . . they're old, timid, fearful, awful drivers. I'm not sure THEY know how bad they are, but I've seen it firsthand and I'm just not going to let it happen with my kids.

I would stick to your guns, ESPECIALLY if you think this is going to encourage other things you are not comfortable with.

[amp]

I sooo wish I could answer this for you! Not only would I feel better if I could give you some advice to put your mind at ease, it would also mean *I* would know how to handle this myself! I look forward to seeing the responses you receive! Good luck!

[Buffys Mommy]

Danielle,

I've only been a Mommy for six months, but if there's one thing I've learned in those six months, it's to trust my intuition. If you are not comfortable with the IL's driving your kids, then don't let them. Just have DH tell them you aren't ready to let anyone else drive your kids (it's not like your mom is driving them) and that he will let them know when the two of you are ready.

You are not being irrational at all. You wouldn't let anyone else take your kids with such a poor driving record - so why let family just because their family.

[Sarah1]

I don't think you're being unreasonable...i totally get where you're coming from.

My mom and MIL are both good drivers, so I'm fine with them taking Audrey somewhere. My father is a TERRIBLE driver who never uses his turn signals. It's amazing to me that he hasn't been in more accidents. I've been in the car with him while he was driving Audrey and me, and I have to tell you, it made me nervous. I wouldn't want Audrey in there alone with him driving around! MY FIL has terrible vision, and I would definitely not want him driving DD around.

All these people live far away from us, so it's not a problem we deal with day-to-day, only on vacations.

The fact is, traveling in a car can be dangerous. Your concerns are valid. What does your DH think? If he doesn't care and you do, then I could see this becoming a bigger issue w/the ILs.

Edited for major sloppiness :)

[Dcclerk]

I haven't seen what anyone else has said, but I will say that you absolutely do not have to let them drive your kids. I don't.:) In our case, my MIL and FIL are very safe drivers and they watch DS during the day, so I bought them a carseat. Even in that situation, I wish they would drive less. However, my own mom is a less-than-ideal driver with the same distraction problem. She doesn't drive my kid. Ever. I don't see that changing. I just blame it on the paranoid mom thing and leave it at that. You are looking out for your kids' safety, and I think that is totally appropriate. (But, of course, you are preaching to the choir...;) )

Any grandparent trips need to be as a result of a collaborative effort, and the transportation logistics are just part of that. Grandparents do not have a God's given right to take their grandkids on vacations. It is up to YOU and DH to grant them that right. And mini vacations can include you. Or, they can be ones that you drive the kids to meet them. Or they can include the fun of train, plane, bus, subway, etc....

[jmelyn]

I would say to trust your intuition. And when it comes to your children's safety, I say to heck with being polite--put your foot down. No, you're not being irrational. Stick to your guns!

[marinkitty]

Danielle:

I'm with everyone else on this. You do not have to let them drive your kids. I don't even think you should feel like you have to make apologies. Whether you choose to blame it on the paranoid mom thing or not - just say no!

Holly
Mom to Mia (3.17.03)

[Melanie]

THere was an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" about this exact topic!

I think your children's safety and well-being is most important. I know you don't want to hurt the ILs feelings, but I can't think of any good suggestions for dealing with it other than the truth.

Edited to add: I think that it's important that your husband do the talking (if possible) since it's his parents. Otherwise you'll just be EDIL (evil daughter in law).

[wdland45]

"I think that it's important that your husband do the talking (if possible) since it's his parents. Otherwise you'll just be EDIL (evil daughter in law)."

Too late!

Thanks for the support. Makes me feel like I am not crazy, mean and selfish!

Danielle, Mom to Alex, 12.03.01 and Brian, 7.27.03

[jk3]

I agree with everyone else. If you feel like there is a decision you might regret in terms of your kids, definitely err on the side of caution. My DS is 10 months old and he has never been in anyone else's car but our own. I'm sure this will have to change at some point but I'm most comfortable w/ my parents and the ILs visiting at our house and I don't see this changing anytime soon. I can see this being an issue with my ILs but not my parents because they would be too nervous to drive DS anywhere. My ILs probably think I'm insanely overprotective anyway so adding one more reason to the list doesn't bother me all that much. Good Luck!

[papal]

Wow. This is a tough position you are in. I can relate in a way, because I am not at the point where I can trust anyone but dh to drive the car when Leela is in it. I like what a previous poster said... letting dh say something to the effect of "I am not ready to let anyone else drive my sons around". This way they don't think you are criticizing their driving, but you are just being protective. I think I will use that myself!
Good luck!

[Melanie]

That's a good idea!

I've actually trusted my mother to drive Ds around, as I feel her to be a very cautious driver. Then one time we were following her and she started to turn left into oncoming traffic!! YIKES! I still would trust her, but it goes to show that no one is perfect. On the other hand, if someone is consistently a very frightening driver (you know, aside from my husband - LOL), no way they're driving him.

[jesseandgrace]

I am definitely the EDIL because I will not let my MIL drive with my kids. NEVER. I do make my husband deal with it so I don't have to, but I'm sure she knows that it is me. I would let my mother take them, but my MIL is not in good health and I do not feel comfortable with them in the car with her. I also took a lot of crap post sept. 11 for not letting DS fly to visit inlaws w/out me. I had to work, but DH was flying to California to see family. I basically just had to be blunt and say that maybe I am overprotective but I could bot handle the stress of it. After a while there is nothing left to say about it so people stop bugging you. With my MIL now that we are in CA with her, I just end up going with them and doing the driving.

[kijip]

Riding in cars is hands down the most dangerous things kids do on a day to day basis. I would not let anyone you consider to be a bad driver drive them around. This is not you being a paranoid mommy- this is you being a smart mommy. Personally I would tell them why if they press the issue but playing the more diplomatic card is fine too. I am in a similar situation. My mother in law is a lousy, dangerous driver. If I can avoid driving with her I do. There is a reason other drivers frequently give this lady the finger- she does not stop at stop signs, she does not yield when she is supposed to, she cuts people off etc. I just insist on taking our car and having my husband drive. My father, when told that he was driving too dangerously for my son to ride with him, straightened up his act and started slowing down and using turn signals. Luckily we do not have to worry about my FIL or my mother- we do not see him and my mother does not drive. Stick up for yourself and your children and don't feel guilty about it!

[dogmom]

Definately stick to your guns. The problem with the ILs driving will only get WORSE as they get older, not better. First thing to do is get the situation straight with your DH so you can present a united front. The next thing is to be straight forward with your IL, just tell them you think they are unsafe drivers and do not feel comfortable with the children in the car, do not debate the issue with them. The only other thing I can offer is AARP offers special driving classes for seniors that help them compensate for things that happen as one ages. You may suggest one of those classes for them.

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03

[barbarhow]

Oh-I am so with you on this topic. When I was 7 months pregnant my FIL gave me a ride to the car dealership to pick up my car. I was literally shaking when I got there. When DH got home that night I tearfully broached the subject with him. Totally unnecessary, as he was in complete agreement with me. Too timid, overly cautious to the point of being very dangerous. Much easier for me though, with a DH who was in agreement. Can you sit down and have a heart to heart with your DH? He probably feels guilty about the subject. Or maybe there is another issue. Its probably going to be one of those hot issues for you guys to work on.
Good luck. But stick to your guns in the meantime.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03