Childless Critics

[Kieransmom]

Why is it that people who do not have any children are the first to tell us parents what we're doing wrong with raising our children? I don't mean to generalize because not all people without children are like this, however I've run into this situation numerous times. (and I admit I was guilty of this in my "past life" without child) :-)

I am caught in the middle of a battle between neighbors. One has 3 children, the other none. The neighbor with the three children lets her kids do whatever they want and yes, I agree, they lack discipline. My (childless) neighbor approached her and decided to tell her how she would raise them differently and that if she did things her way they wouldn't be this wild.

Now,as I said, I do agree that they are out of control but I don't believe it was her place to tell her how to raise her children. Especially since they're not great friends anyway. I'm stuck in the middle because this lady has also explained to me that if I had let my 11 month old CIO from the day he was born he would have been a better sleeper. I know she thinks she knows it all about raising children. (she lets everyone know this because she has 5 nieces and nephews...mind you they live 800 miles away.)

Anyway, I wish I could be out of the picture in this arguement but I live in between the two of them and they both tell me their sides of the story. I just nod and listen. I guess that's all I can do really.


Michelle
Mommy to Kieran, born 5/9/03

[Sarah1]

First of all, Michelle, what's up with the funky font?

Secondly, yes, I think nodding and listening is definitely what you should do. I would try NOT to get involved!

I know just what you mean though. I have a good friend, who is married w/no kids (and no plans to have any--her husband has one from a previous marriage). She's pretty critical of other people's parenting skills!

For example, I was telling her how the last time we took Audrey to dinner, all she wanted to do was get out of the highchair and walk around. Fact is, she's a toddler who doesn't like to sit still for long periods of time, and this is normal. But my friend starts saying, well, you should take her out more, it's important for her to get used to sitting still in restaurants, etc etc etc...well, MAY BE, but you don't even HAVE a child--what qualifies you to give this type of advice?

Definitely annoying (other than that, she's a great friend!). My first impulse is to get defensive, too, but I try just to nod and listen while actually ignoring what she says. That's the best way of dealing with it!

[egoldber]

Well its awkward for you, but I would definitely stay out of it! Nodding and listening are good and also saying lots of "hmm...". Before I had a child, I do have to say I definitely had opinions about child raising, most of which I now look back at with some amusement. And my view of what constitutes wild behavior from children has also changed since my child moved from being an infant to a toddler, LOL! :)

As long as your neighbors kids aren't damaging property, terrorizing small children/animals, or otherwise being neighborhood ruffians, I'd say that they are probably just normal kids.

And if ANY of my neighbors marched over to my house and felt the need to share with me how I could do a better job of raising my child, oh my! Woe unto them! Its one thing if you ask someone's advice about an issue, but to offer such advice unsolicited is beyond rude, IMO.

[amp]

Michelle - I think you can even say, "Geez, I really don't want to hear about this. I'm friends with both of you and I don't feel comfortable discussing this. Or you can continue to say "Hmmmm" and nod. I would definitely not get into it with them or it may come back to bite you later on.

I cringe when I think of how many times in the past I made comments to people about childrearing and parenting. Man, I thought I knew it all! I am so eating my words now! I wish I could take back all of those times I put my foot in my mouth without knowing it!

I constantly remember a post from quite some time ago where someone posted about a mom in a store letting her child play with a plastic produce bag and how dangerous it was, and Neve replied something to the effect of (paraphrasing here)...
"Was she blond, about (such and such) height & weight, looking harried and the child was calm and happy & supervised while chewing on the bag? That was probably me."
I think of that all the time & can *completely* relate. I guess when you are a parent yourself, you pick your battles, and I know I do things differently than I though people should.

[Melanie]

I don't know...I think everything just looks so much easier from the other side, KWIM? I'm sure we thought we knew everything before we had kids, too.

[hez]

Agreed that this is a tough one-- I have seen it time and again, and admit to being completely naive pre-baby. I especially like the comments about my feeding and sleeping choices now from non-parents. I just want to say, "For heaven's sake, their my and my DH's choices, and if you want to make them, have your own kids," (there, that felt better!).

I'm definitely in the 'nod and hmmm...' camp. I use that tactic very often. I'm not big into confrontation (I'm a battle chooser), so I can understand where you're coming from. Here's wishing you buckets of patience and some earplugs ;)

ETA: Crap, I really hope I didn't offend anyone who'd really like to be a parent and hasn't been able to, yet. That wasn't my intent. The people I was specifically thinking of when I wrote that actually happen to be pregnant right now, so it didn't occur to me 'til I got into bed that I could be offending someone. Sorry!

[Melanie]

Nod, "ummhmmm...really? That's interesting..." nod...

=P

I feel badly for the OP being stuck in the middle though, that's something different I didn't think about before.

[bunnisa]

Not to hijack the thread, but this reminded me of some of the things (intentionally) childless people say about having children. It really irritates me when someone who has no intention of having children of their own goes on and on about what a burden children are, and how they make your life such a mess and yadda yadda yadda.

I agree that, as with any responsibility, there are positives and negatives to having children. But to actually criticize and complain about what it's like when they have NO IDEA just really gets to me.

Bethany
It's a Boy!
William Eric
6/03

[kijip]

While I would stay out of their crossfire, I would indicate to her that you are not entirely happy when she directs her opinions at you if they upset you.

My favorite non-parent interference was my childless best friend (at least she had been for 9 years!) who has a rosy view of natural childbirth and breastfeeding. When I had an emergency C-section, she came into my recovery room and went on and on about how terrible c-sections are. Later on when breastfeeding had become a 12 plus hour a day job that I was failing miserably at, she lambasted me for needing to use formula (some bottles, some via SNS) and EBM in addition to nursing. When I asked her how long she thought it took to breastfeed per day she said 2 hours!!! She had no idea why I was so tired and upset about the situation. Not educated about the subject but offering up opinions right and left. All from a person who has no kids and says she never wants kids.