Huge fight with my mom regarding BFing.. (need to vent! -long)

[jerseygirl07067]

My mom has been watching DD every monday when I go into the office. I started back to work about a month ago. I then work from home the other days of the week. I feel sooo lucky to have this situation and am glad my mom offers to watch DD as well.

However, today we got into a huge fight over BFing! She has not offered any support AT ALL since the beginning. All I've heard is, "that is going to be so hard....it's too much work", "which formula are you going to use, Similac or Enfamil", "you need to give her more bottles because she prefers the breast" (my thoughts are duh, why wouldn't she, and she takes a bottle just fine anyway), "that will be great when you start her on solid foods because then she won't rely on that pumped milk".

So today's question was, "So how long are you planning on breastfeeding for?" My reply was, "well my initial goal was six months, and since things have been going well now at 4 months, I will likely extend my goal to a year and see how that goes.." Well she rolls her eyes right in my face, smirks, and then just laughs. And I said, "What is it mom? What is on your mind? Why do you have that type of response?" She just kind of smirks and laughs, and doesn't answer and gets up and walks to the kitchen. THAT really pushed my buttons. (my mom tends to be very condescending in the first place) Well I've decided that I've completely had it with her lack of support and we get into this HUGE fight over it, and I'm screaming at her telling her that I'm so sick of her attitude, it's driving me up the wall, etc, etc. I have consistently explained in a nice way how things have changed over the past thirty years and that now it is considered the healthiest thing to do considering that one is able to breastfeed and things work out. (This is not meant to offend anyone that FF's, I just want to make that clear. I realize that sometimes formula is the best option for some and I absolutely respect that choice)

Well she goes on to twist this around, saying that she is supportive, but when I ask her why she says these comments, she really doesn't give me an answer, she just says, "Why does that matter? I didn't realize YOU needed SUCH verbal praise on this issue!" And I'm telling her that that is not the case, I am just trying to find out why there is such a lack of support. I told her that I don't need any praise from her, that she can tell just by looking at DD that that is praise to me enough. So she goes on to twisting this whole thing around, I'm too sensitive, I'm jumping to conclusions, yada yada yada. We literally yelled about this for over an hour, I am not kidding!! Now it makes me want to BF until DD is 10 as far as I'm concerned ;)...kidding...

I don't remember having a fight like this since I was a teenager!! I am utterly frustrated and realize that I need to make peace with the fact that she just doesn't get it. And this is a woman who considers herself an "intellectual" with such a great knowledge of science! (She is a retired biology teacher) Whatever!!!!!

Sorry so long!! Just needed to vent!!!

Marcy

[Rachels]

So sorry! That really is hard. I think sometimes people who are phenomenally unsupportive of BF are mostly defensive about not doing it themselves, KWIM? Hang in there and remember you're doing a great thing for your babe.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[barbarhow]

Kind of ironic that you haven't fought like this since you were a teenager-Lots of Moms and daughters fight then because of daughters blooming sexuality which many moms find threatening. I wonder if the same thing isn't going on now. You are doing something so wonderful and natural-she probably feels inadequate because you are doing such an awesome job of it and she didn't do it at all. Just a thought.
Hang in there. I think its pretty wonderful what you're doing. I can also relate about the lack of support. My mother was supportive up until about 10 months. Now she keeps asking when I'm going to give it up. She doesn't really care that our doctor has suggested that I continue to help boost DS's immune system. She actually said tonight-"Who are these people that you talk to, anyway?" Oh yeah. They're aliens, Mom.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[jbowman]

Marcy,

I think that your post eloquently reveals the tensions between mothers who FF & their daughters who choose to BF their children. My mom FF my sisters & me--I BF my DD (my DD is just a couple of weeks older than yours!). Fortunately my mom has been supportive, although I can tell she is sometimes perplexed. In other words, I understand how you feel! Good luck!

[jec2]

What a bummer. It's disappointing when our parents don't turn out to be the cheer leaders we want them to be.

When I told my mom I was going to BF she said that I'll still need bottles. I asked for what? She said that she and my dad would want to feed the baby. I said, "well you and dad can hold my boob while the baby is eating!" She hasn't said anything since :0 (well at least about BFing!)

[deborah_r]

Maybe you could leave some literature in DD's diaper bag "accidentally" when you drop her off, and maybe your mom might look through it? Do you think she understands the benefits - I know you said you've explained to her, but maybe she's tuned it out. Sounds like a very frustrating situation. I'm sorry she can't be more supportive of your choices.

[jerseygirl07067]

Thank you so much for the posts! You've all made me feel so much better!

Marcy

[jerseygirl07067]

I've actually thought of that. My mom is the type that often won't believe anything unless it's in written format, in a book, or a research article, or said by a doctor, that type of thing. I was thinking of "accidentally" leaving some info, but don't know if she's look at it or not. I guess it's worth a try!

Marcy

[Buffys Mommy]

Marcy,

Hang in there. It took my mom a long time to be comfortable with my BF'ing DD and there are still days I don't think she gets it. My mom has asked DD (yes an infant) if there were bones in mommys milk (when she coughed) and even once made a comment about that nasty milk - after DD spit up. I kept my mouth shut because deep down, I know my mom was just trying to be funny and has no clue about BF'ing and didn't mean things the way I took them. But this was all within the first 6 weeks and she is much better about it now.

Although - my younger sis is MUCH worse. She has two kids and FF. That's fine. Her choice, and I have no issues with that. However I hear nothing but negative comments from her. The latest... DD's top teeth are coming in (the bottom 2 have been in for 2 months). "Oh I guess you'll be giving her a bottle soon". UGH!

Sarah Michelle 10/13/03

[deborah_r]

Ooh, why don't you have her go with you to your next ped appointment. Then try to engage the doctor in conversation about the benefits of BFing! This could work!

[Jacksonvol]

Sorry that happened to you, Marcy. I second the idea of taking your mom w/ you to the next ped. visit and discussing the benefits of breastfeeding. I know my mom got much more supportive after an LC visit. We may need a refresher since at almost 8 months she is asking about when I am going to wean. Anyway, I think it has been really helpful to me to talk with people who do encourage and support BF'ing. And when I don't get the unsolicited praise, I make a point of asking for it. I think everyone likes to be praised for something, especially from their parents.
So, that said, way to go! You are doing a great thing by breastfeeding your child and you are wise to set mini-goals and extend from there. And as a working outside the home mom, I know what a PITA it can be to pump. Three cheers for you and have a big bowl of ice cream. You know we get 500 extra calories a day!
Hang in there! Lisa

[suribear]

I think sometimes people who didn't nurse get a bit defensive about the whole BF thing. One of my friends says she isn't convinced about BF though she did BF the first few weeks to give immunity. I don't care what she did or didn't do, but don't tell me there's no value in it just to make yourself feel better, KWIM?

I think a number of our parents are like this because FF was the thing in those days. I realize I got lucky because, although my mom barely nursed us, she is very supportive of BF.

Hang in there! I have enormous respect for WOHM moms who BF and pump!

Kris

[deborah_r]

That's a good point. I am a little hesitant to discuss BFing with my sister. She is 10 years older than me and lives 3000 miles away, so we can avoid the topic some, especially since she has yet to see me BFing. She tried BFing for I believe a few days with her first DS, for whatever reason did not continue (probably lack of information/support) and never tried again with her 2nd and 3rd DS's. I don't have any judgement on that at all, and I don't want her to think my talking positively about BFing is putting her down for not doing it.

She did say something on the phone the other day about how when I come to visit in June (1st time she will be seeing him) he should be almost done BFing and I said, "well, no, probably not!" I don't think she was trying to tell me to stop, it was just what she expected. I probably said in the beginning I would try to make it to a year, and she probably remembered that, but I change my mind about just about everything, so why not this?

Ironically, my mother BF me, but not any of my 5 older siblings! She wanted to with some of them, but my father and the doctors were not supportive of it. So my mother thinks it's great that I am BFing.

[MartiesMom2B]

LOL. That's a good one.

To Marcy:

I think everyone is right on track with their responses. It's frusterating to not get support, and I do think that moms who had formula feed have a need to justify why they formula fed to their bf-ing daughters. I think a lot of times it comes out as criticism.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[Jeanne]

Tell her she was brain washed by big business. That's the only thing I say when I get that reaction. I've taken to treating that reaction with pity. It's much more effective than defending BF to women who don't get it and don't want or intend to.

I second the defensive wall that some women put up about BF because they choose to FF. My brother and I were FF so my Mother was really surprised that I chose to BF. At first she treated it like it was strange and outdated. And while she never said much out loud, what she did say, conveyed that she felt it was weird. She did become supportive of BF but only after I voiced my opinion to her that she and countless other women were brainwashed. At least she was reasonable enough to understand that no where else in the world have women been told that BF was obsolete.

I'm a defender of formula for several reasons- most importantly that it has saved countless babies. It's a wonderful invention that has allowed women to return to work because of need, it has saved babies from starvation due to incapacity, etc... But I don't feel that it should have been marketed to women in lieu of BF. I feel sorry for my mother and every other woman of that generation. Just in one conversation, you can hear the marketing of formula justification. Just when did the breast become so sexualized?

[jerseygirl07067]

<Just when did the breast become so sexualized?>

That's a VERY good point.. In the beginning, I told DH I was embarassed when milk would leak or squirt out, and that I didn't feel very sexy waking up in the middle of the night with a big milk ring on the sheets. I said I kinda felt like a cow! Well he immediately said, "The fact that you're feeding our baby with your breasts is the sexiest thing to me. That's what mother nature put them there for!!"

Ever since then, that comment REALLY put it into perspective for me! Now I joke that Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears can't hold a candle to me...LOL!

Marcy

[mommd]

I was watching the history channel the other night and there was this show called "cleavage" and it was about how people view breasts. Thet started talking about breastfeeding and I wanted to throw something at the TV.
"It's good that you can nurture your baby, but than you feel like a cow"
"Women don't want to be left with no breasts. After breastfeeding, your breasts are empty and all you're left with is some skin"

They then proceeded to talk about how one star was a sex symbol before breastfeeding her baby, and now has smaller breasts so is taken more seriously now. Also, have you ever seen any television shows or movies with babies who were getting breasrfed? No wonder the general public doesn't understand it!

[jerseygirl07067]

That's a great idea, the only problem is that my while my ped says he is supportive of BFing, he actually said at DD's two month checkup that I could give formula once in a while just to make things easier. Ironically, that's when BF becomes really easy, and that's all I would need for my mom to hear! I don't think I'd hear the end of it! (though I get the ped's point) He also said that if I wanted to give occasional rice cereal it really would not hurt DD, but he really advocates for no solids until 6 months. He says he often says that, "just to appease Grandma". Well I would have been more frustrated, because it would have just fed into the whole thing! I don't need her to be appeased in this case!!

Marcy

[american_mama]

I, too, thought your mom might have negative feelings because she didn't BF. Another thought is that your mom wants you to need her now, but she can't offer advice about BF. On top of it, she sees you doing it so well, feeling so confident, and she feels she has nothing to offer... so criticism comes out because she wants to say SOMETHING, and being negative relieves some of her hurt.

And I too wonder about the comparison to fighting like when you were a teenager just at a time when you are both establishing new roles as mother, daughter, and grandmother. I can't analyze it beyond that, but it's interesting that you reverted to old roles when faced with this brand new one.

I agree, your pediatrician doesn't sound really supportive to me. You might have better luck with a lactation consultant, which is probably available at the hospital where you gave birth. Maybe your also your obstetrician, but that's a long shot since they may not feel qualified to talk about the benefits to babies.

It may be that your mom will never be able to support you on this, unfair though that may be. You are making a great choice for your child, and I hope that knowledge is enough to sustain even in the face of her cricism.

[McQ]

OK I have a slightly different take. I'm not disagreeing with the other advice that you've been given, but my comment is just about the approach. Maybe she feels guilty, maybe uneducated, whatever that really doesn't matter. What does matter are her comments and how it makes you feel. I'd just tell her that her snide comments are not appreciated. That even if she doesn't agree with your decision, that it is exactly that, YOUR decision. And you'd like her to support you and the choices you make, even if she doesn't agree with/understand them.

Allison
~ mommy to Declan 3.24.03
and number 2 EDD 9.14.04

[janettadine]

This subject is near and dear to my heart, too. It seems people think that your choices are statements on theirs, and they get sooooo defensive! My first baby is due in May, and I am planning to bf, and whenever the subject comes up, my mil gets a little defensive. I mentioned that I'm bf'ing to reduce the risk of diabetes (dh is type 1), and she says things like "oh, no one else in the family has it, so you don't have to worry (she seems to forget that she has it, too)". She also commented that we should start baby on a bottle so dh could bond with her. I pointed out that there are TONS of ways for a baby to bond with her daddy other than feeding. She didn't bf my husband because there were so many visitors when he was first born, and she thought it would be inconvenient; she has mentioned this several times, and I sometimes wonder if that is a hint to me. I figure bf'ing will give me much needed time ALONE when she starts to drive me crazy! ;)

Janet

[deborah_r]

>She didn't bf my husband because there were so many
>visitors when he was first born, and she thought it would be
>inconvenient; she has mentioned this several times, and I
>sometimes wonder if that is a hint to me.

So people visiting the baby should take precedence over the baby's health! Ugh, where did the generations that our mother's and MIL's grew up in get their ideas??? The birth of a baby is wonderful and exciting. yes, but not a time for everyone to pass the baby around and take turns feeding her. I think a lot of people treat a new baby like a new toy. Others I think are well-meaning and want to meet the baby early to bond with her, but really how many people can a couple days old infant bond with. I think bonding with mom and dad should keep a neweborn busy for a while!

Not meaning to rant on your MIL, but that is about the craziest excuse I have ever heard for not BFing. And it sounds like she is meaning that for you! And if your DH has diabetes, and he's contributing like 50% of his genes to your DD, I think you are right to be concerned. "No one else has it?" Well, your DH having it is pretty important!! Doesn't matter if Uncle Bob doesn't have it, YKWIM! Yeah, I think you are going to need some alone time!!!!

Good luck!

[sntm]

Yeah, I actually think hospitals should start to reconsider their visitation policies so that mothers don't get put in the position of saying, Grandma can you leave so I can nurse without worrying about displaying my entire boob?

(sorry for the digression)!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[Melanie]

Wow...my condolensces. I'd have hit the roof, too. It seems like their generation has no clue how to have a rational discussion/disagreement without twisting into a some personal attack.

(yes, I'm OVERGENERALIZING but it's based upon my life anyway.)

ETA: There was an issue with MIL over this when Ds was a newborn, and it is quite obvious she was having issues with our decision b/c she chose to FF. As if us making a different choice is directly telling her "You are a bad mom!" Any chance that is your mother's case?