Unsolicited Advice and MILs!

[Imperia]

I am just back from a 10 day trip back to California to visit relatives (DH's and my own). I cannot begin to express how thrilled I am t o be home and away from all these people!

Why is it that when you give birth every so and so thinks it's okay to give you advice which you haven't even asked for or ignore your wishes about your child? I was at my DH's mother's house sitting with DD asleep on my chest minding my own business and this older couple comes in. Eventually after awhile the woman looks at me with this sour face and says, "I certainly hope you don't do that all the time, it's an awful ahbit and almost impossibl eto break them of." EXCUSE ME? My DD is 3 months old, away from home and I will let her sleep where I please. I smiled and said, "Oh no, this is just because we are away from home and I don't have anywhere to lay her down." (HUGE LIE BTW, we co sleep and she sleeps in my lap all the time) I felt it was easier to do that then argue, although I don't know many 20 year olds who still have to sleep on their parent's chests =P

Later, my SIL (who is super nice but her son is my AGE (30) )started telling me that because my DD was so hungry (3 month growth spurt) I would have to start giving her cereal, and that would help her sleep through the night (she sleeps 5-6 hours already, wakes up once to nurse and sleeps 2-4 more hours)...Ummmmmmmmmm no, sorry. Didn't say anything to her either.

And my MIL drove me up the wall I swear. I know she loves my DD. but she wanted to hold her ALL day, and wouldn't give her back to me when she was crying. I kept telling my DH that certain times of the day DD doesn't want anyone but us to hold her, but he would hand her over to his mother and she would get upset eventually. She kept bouncing and rocking her. I told my DH (my MIL speaks very little english and my portugese is lousy. She understands english fairly well though) to tell her to stop moving her around, she wanted to sleep. She wouldn't listen and DD started howling. I walked over to her, held out my hands and said, "Please give her to me." She kept holding her, and DD was screaming (my DD NEVER cries like that) so I pried her out of her arms, left the room and slammed the door. I know it may have been rude, but that is MY child and I don't want her to have to cry like that when I know I can comfort her (she stopped crying about 2 seconds after she was in my arms). At least for the rest of our trip there my MIL was more tactful (DH had a talk with her) and started asking me if she could hold her or handing her to DH or I when she was crying.

Don't get me started on how she wanted to feed my 3 month old DD CAKE!

Sorry for the vent but it made me not want to leave my house ever again!

Imperia

[billysmommy]

I am so sorry that it turned out like that....good for you for taking DD away when she was crying. I made DH do it when his mom did the same type of thing. This almost sounds like it could be written about his family.....I don't know how you made it 10 days, I am ready to leave after about 1 1/2 :)

[deborah_r]

Egads! This cereal argument is getting to be too much! Can we somehow get every newspaper in the country to declare - on the front page - that newborns do NOT need cereal! It is so tiring for us all to have to be telling people this *all the time*

I won't even start on your MIL's behavior...Sorry your trip was crummy, and good for you for making your your DD's needs were met even if it meant upsetting family!

[Vajrastorm]

I actually can't believe how polite you were! I'm impressed. I don't think I'd have the self control to smile and nod, even though its probably the best tactic.

Welcome home, and back to BB!

[Buffys Mommy]

Imperia,

You were not rude at all. MIL was rude for not giving DD back when you asked. And unfortunately, I don't think the unsolicited advice will ever stop. Just be thankful that you live hours away and hopefully won't see them too often.

Besides... if you didn't come down to see them, you wouldn't have gotten to check out all the cool stores at Valley Fair.l


Sarah Michelle 10/13/03

[cric]

Sorry that you had to put up with that! My MIL says that she won't say stuff like that because of her MIL... but the other day she told me that I just had to let Aaron (2 months old) "cry for a little while in his crib. He'll get tired and go to sleep." Ugh. But, my mother also gives me advice like this - I can tell her what I think of it though. She thinks Aaron should be spacing his eating out more (he eats every 2 hours unless it's a growth spurt) and that I should give him peppermint water for his gas: "When you were that age if I didn't know what was bothering you I just gave you peppermint water and it helped." Um. NO.

[new_mommy25]

Lol, unfortunetly the advice will never stop. The most annoying advice of all is the one's from complete strangers. Like the other day I let DS smash an unopened package of crackers and the waitress reminded me that it is wrapped in plastic and make sure he doesn't swallow it. It's funy because my mother gives me all sorts of unwanted advice but my MIL stays mum and is happy to hold the baby and give him back when he cries.

[Melanie]

"She wouldn't listen and DD started howling. I walked over to her, held out my hands and said, "Please give her to me." She kept holding her, and DD was screaming (my DD NEVER cries like that) so I pried her out of her arms, left the room and slammed the door. "

OOH! I'd have been SO MAD, too!! It must be hard with a bit of language/culture barrier.

I had to laugh at the couple you've never met before's advice. My mother's neighbor, who I've met like 4 times did something similiar to us. She sneered, "Oh you'll be soooorrry!" Yeah, I'm so sorry. *eyeroll*

Glad you got home safely!

[tarahsolazy]

Imperia:

I totally lived a similar thing this past week, my ILs were visiting and seeing DS for the first time. My MIL kept holding him while he was crying, even though she must have known that giving him to me would result in immediate crying cessation, as demonstrated multiple times... Didn't mean to hijack your thread, but it was THE SAME thing! Glad you are home now.

[brubeck]

Imperia I totally understand! My MIL will grab the babies away (thank goodness they are both running now) and then when they cry she tells me how they must have gas. When Amy was Maddy's age we visited them and MIL wanted to feed her with EBM. Well no matter how many times I showed her she held the bottle completely horizontally and Amy got tons of air. Then she would cry and cry, "Oh she must have gas!" and MIL glares at me like it is my fault. I couldn't stand watching this over and over again every day! Amy got her back though. On our last night MIL was wearing white shorts and had Amy on her lap and Amy had a HUGE diaper blowout all over MIL's lap. }(

When we visited when Andrew was Maddy's age he was almost completely fed directly from the breast. However if he cried when she held him MIL insisted that he too had gas. She would also stare at me while I BF'd (I am private about BFing; I NEVER BF'd in front of anyone except DH and my mother and I never NIP'd) and make comments about how Andrew was really 'going at it' or some such in a tone that made it clear she thought it was disgusting. Well don't look then! I didn't invite you in to watch, you just barged in here and frankly I hate it! But I just bit my tongue. The good news is that as the kids get older the complaints/advice won't stop, but at least the MIL's impact will be lessened because they won't be sitting in her lap.

I'm glad you're home!

[Imperia]

Thanks!

I was totally ready to leave after a couple of days, but you know how it goes. The worst part is I have to go BACK next month. I told DH after that trip I am not going anywhere else to visit anyone for at least 5-6 months and that I want to go on a REAL vacation, away from everyone =D

Imperia

[Imperia]

Thanks so much for your support. I just wante dto scream the whole time I was there =D

I wish people would realize ther ehave been advances in parenting and infant nutrition made in the last oh 30 years, heh heh.


My DD is the most important thing in my life, and if I piss off my MIL to see that her needs are met so be it, but it's still so nice to hear someone back you up on it, thanks!

Imperia

[Imperia]

Thanks,

believe me inside I wa snot being polite at all; I was mentally stabbing her with a dull spoon for about 5 minutes after I left the room. }(

Thanks, it's SO good to be home, although I wish I could have taken Valley Fair home with me.

Imperia

[Imperia]

HA HA!

You are so right on that point. We actually have to go back next month, and I told DH I wasn't going unless he bribed me with another shopping trip to Valley Fair =D

Imperia

[Imperia]

ARgh!

Don't you just want to poke them or something? Why should you be "spacing out his feedings"? Why do people need to be "trained" to eat anyway. If we all only ate when we were hungry like our body told us to I think we would probably be a lot healthier. I have a theory that all this "scheduling" of a baby's meals messes up their internal hunger signals and leads to eating issues and weight problems in some children and adults in the futire.

Imperia

[Imperia]

LOL! I can't beive the waitress thought you would allow your child to eat the wrapper. Does she say this to adults too who smash their crackers before topping their soup with them?

Imperia

[Imperia]

Yeah, the language/culture thing is kind of hard. My Dh came to the US when he was only 4 so his main language is actually English and his Portuguese is sort of childish and under developed. My MIL is also quite a bit older (in her 70's) so that makes a difference. At least she is completely pro breastfeeding which saves me from having to explain that!

I became a different person after DD was born; she is teh most important thing to me now, and watch out if you upset her *insert mama bear growl*

LOL at the eyeroll, why is it that so many people think you will be sorry for having to have *gasp* contact with your own child, please!
You just keep doing what you know is best for your kids!

Thanks SO glad to be back. I was having PC withdrawl.

Imperia

[Imperia]

That's okay! You didn't hijack anything. I appreciate you sharing your experience because it makes me feel as though I am not alone which is wonderful.

I am so glad to be back!

Imperia

[Imperia]

Helen,

thanks so much for sharing all that about your MIL; I am glad I am not the only one. My MIL always misinterprets Maddy's signals too (which I KNOW becaus eI am her mother!) She acts a certain way when she is overtired (hysterical crying, tries to bury her face in your chest, rubs her eyes) and mym MIL would always say, "Oh she must be hungry!" I would tell her she was tired and she would look totally skeptical, sigh.

Hehe go Amy! Serves MIL right.

I can totally related about BFing in front of people. When Maddy was first born my MIL came to see her and she would walk right into our bedroom when I was BFing and invade my space. She actually tried to grab my breast and latch DD on. I SCREAMED at her to leave me alone. That was just not okay with me at all. My DH had a talk with her and she stopped doing that, but she still looks over and asks me things like, "Are you sure she is swallowing? I don't hear her swallowing, is she getting milk?"

MIL is going out of the country for at least a year next month though, so by the time she gets back Maddy will most likely be walking around, so maybe she can run the other direction :P

I had a great time meeting up with you BTW.

Imperia

[papal]

Glad you are back, away from the craziness!! Hope you got some shopping done! :)

I have a theory about unsolicited advice given to mothers of babies. I think it is a preparatory test for the rest of our lives. We are thrown these obstacles in our way just so we can reinforce to ourselves that WE are the moms and WE know what is best for our babies. It helps us becoming stronger people, mentally and provides feedback that, indeed, we know what our baby is feeling, better than anyone.

Yes, but i still want to stab people in the eyes with a blunt object, sometimes. heehee.

Luckily, my MIL is a DOLL. She came up to visit us for a weekend. NEVER gave advice. Just held dd when she was happy and promptly returned her when she was tired/hungry/sleepy. SIL on the other hand was a bit of a PITA. heehee.
My mom also gave me tons of advice, sometimes it got my blood boiling, but my tolerance level for my mom is WAY higher than for any other person. And i knew she only had dd's best interest at heart... so i could never really get mad at her.. just seethed silently. :)

[momma_boo]

>Later, my SIL (who is super nice but her son is my AGE (30)
>)started telling me that because my DD was so hungry (3 month
>growth spurt) I would have to start giving her cereal, and
>that would help her sleep through the night (she sleeps 5-6
>hours already, wakes up once to nurse and sleeps 2-4 more
>hours)...Ummmmmmmmmm no, sorry. Didn't say anything to her
>either.

Sorry you didn't have such a great trip. I just have to say that it sounds like Maddy is doing GREAT at night. I think at 3 mos, my DD was still getting up at least 2x a night. So waking up to nurse once is AWESOME (in my book anyway).

Why are older people so obsessed with the whole cereal thing? It did nothing for DD's sleeping when she started on solids.

[brubeck]

I had a great time with you too Imperia! We'll have to come meet you for your next VF shopping trip!

Tell you what, next time my MIL is in town (hopefully not for a LONG time) you can come down and we will get our MILs together. They will hate it and we can go have some fun. :)

[amp]

aaargh! My MIL says, "yes, you just excersise those lungs. It's good for you to cry. Go ahead." Like he won't be able to use his lungs appropriately if he doesn't cry! I hate that one! Ack! Can I just say how much I hate MILS? Well...then again, my situation is sour grapes. If she'd have been nice, we wouldn't have a problem would we? Hugs, Imperia! you are far from alone!

[sirensrise]

>Like the other day I let DS smash an unopened package of
>crackers and the waitress reminded me that it is wrapped in
>plastic and make sure he doesn't swallow it.
i am evil, when people give me that kind of advises, i cant help but say things like "really? wow, i would never have known"as soon as she turns around and under my breath.

[KYBelle1102]

I totally sympathize with you...My MIL and Mom do the same thing with my DS. My mother, who hasn't the sense that God gave a box of rocks, seriously wanted to give my 2 1/2 month old DS bourbon sweet potatoes and turkey at Thanksgiving...

Family: you can't live with them, and you can't kill em...

[Imperia]

LOL at the "box of rocks" comment. I often say, "dumber than a box of rocks".

Anyway,

did your mother feed you solids like that at 2 months???? Wow, what is wrong with folks?

Imperia

[Melanie]

>aaargh! My MIL says, "yes, you just excersise those lungs.
>It's good for you to cry. Go ahead." Like he won't be able
>to use his lungs appropriately if he doesn't cry!

I'd say, "Shall I cut him so he can exercise his veins by BLEEDING?"

I really dislike that one, can you tell?

[amp]

I hear you! Maybe we can cut *her* so we can excercise her veins! I did not just say that, did I? Can you tell I don't like her? She absolutely, positively, drives me up the freakin' wall! So I can totally relate to everyone who has problems with their MIL!

[marinkitty]

LOL - I say "dumber than a bag of hair"

Where do we get these things?

ETA: Sorry you had such a rough time with your MIL - sounds like you handled it much more gracefully than I would have been able to.

Holly
Mom to Mia (3.17.03)

[sntm]

too late -- recent bottle ad (can't remember, the new easier to switch between breast and bottle one) has a section of "real life tips" called in from people with one saying she tried it and, gee whilikers, it worked!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[ChicagoMama]

We had a waitress at breakfast last weekend say to us "WATCH THE BABY, PLEASE!" in a really bossy, loud voice each time she filled up our coffees -- like, um, no kidding, I think I'm doing that already? It wasn't so much what she said but how she said it that surprised me.

Becky

Mama to DDs Shelby 09/19/02 and Sydney 10/16/03