Why did I say yes to being in a wedding??? m

[MamaKath]

I am having major internal issues with this. My best friend back home is getting married and I am so excited for her! She asked me to be in the wedding party and though I hesitated, I eventually said yes. I am going dress shopping again this weekend and hope to find something. I have also been working on a few handmade items (mainly a crocheted blanket) for a wedding gift since money is tight.

Now my personal home situation is a bit rough financially. My dh works hard, and long hours. His job is pretty stressful, and his commute is really long (1 hour + on a good day). He works a minimum of 6 days a week right now, and just makes it difficult for having a great family life in general. We are in the midst of getting our house ready to sell, and find something closer to his work which unfortunately means more money. I am a SAHM, something that will not change in the near future. We are both working hard to pay things down and just make ends meet in general. I am trying really hard to contribute, and have sold off/am working on selling off quite a bit of my beloved stroller collection to help as well as running yard sales to help out as well.

I know there are some responsibilities that come with being in a shower, and figured that the other brides maids (all family members, I am the only friend) would be contacting me on helping to plan it. So today I get an email saying that the shower is planned and they need my check for $275 to cover my share of the cost! WTH?!?!? Never a call, or other email saying anything about helping to plan, etc. The email said it would include my share of the shower, costs along with it, and my part of the gift. Without any asking about even if I can attend on the dates that THEY picked or I wish to give a JOINT gift! I emailed back a request to call me but I am fuming!!!

I know this is really bugging me on a multitude of levels. The woman emailing me has no kids, is fairly wealthy, and is being quite extravagant with many gifts (including giving the honeymoon!) for the wedding. I am fairly broke, have a huge heart, and would do just about anything for my friend. Which means I will probably go along with this with the exception of the joint gift. Even more though it brings up my own wedding where my husband's sisters planned a shower that my own sister (my maid of honor) could not attend, and then the only non-family member in my bridal party dropped out after all the fights 3 weeks before my wedding. And now I know completely how my friend felt!!!!!!!!

I am so angry, hurt, annoyed, and just in general p.o.ed at the whole situation. And regretting ever saying yes when I felt it might be too much. I just want to cry!

ARGH!!

I feel a wee bit better, but not much. :-(

[jbowman]

I am really sorry, that sucks! It sounds as if you are a great friend and I can't believe that those bridesmaids would ask you to fork over $275 without consulting you first!

Not sure how I would handle it, but you have my sympathy!

[MamaKath]

Thanks Jill. My dh just called and when I told him the date he reminded me that we are supposed to be traveling with his parents in celebration of their 40th wedding anniversary. So I either have to send him and my kids with them and attend or not go to the shower. I am just sitting here crying. :-(

[mamahill]

Oh Kath!!! My heart goes out to you. I honestly don't know what I'd do in that situation, other than wish I could become invisible. :( Sorry, no help but I've got a shoulder. That's the pits!

[redhookmom]

http://www.amitymama.com/vb/images/smilies/bighug.gif

I wish you could truly join in the celebration rather then be in the pits!!

Some people just don't get it! I would never assume that anyone would be able to contribute ANY amount of money. She was wrong, don't feel bad. I would tell her that you wished you could contribute that amount and also that she would of checked with you first.

[Buffys Mommy]

Wow Kath. I am so sorry you are going through this. $275 for a shower is RIDICULOUS! I can't believe the nerve of some people. At this point, I would let her know that you have already picked out your own gift and therefore will not be contributing to the "joint" gift.
I would also only send what you can for the shower. And don't change your family plans for them - unless you don't like your IL's :).

Sorry you are going through this. I hope everything works out.

T

Sarah Michelle 10/13/03

[stella]

Oh, you are such a good friend!! I would email that the date doesn't work for me as I already had family plans -with a 40th wedding anniversary and all, and this is the important part: SO I WON'T BE ABLE TO CO-HOST A SHOWER ON THAT DATE! But that you will be sending a gift.

There - you're off the hook. Don't call unless you have to - the less discussion about it the better. Just act like it would never occur to you to HOST a shower you couldn't attend. It seems to be done occasionally, but I would NEVER co-host something I couldn't attend(not becasue it's wrong, I just don't see the point), and no one should be expected to!

And then - you're out of that part of it. Just say you're so sorry you won't be able to be part of the shower. And tell your friend how sad you are that youcan't help give the shower, but that you had previous family plans - and how it's such a big deal to your husband's family, and how you can't wait for her wedding - you're so excited for her, etc., etc.

You don't have to do this and you won't even look bad for not doing it - you have the perfect excuse!

I know times are tough for you - they're tough here, too, but don't compromise all that you and dh have worked for so far for these jerks (not your friend - her relatives)!

[Vajrastorm]

>Oh, you are such a good friend!! I would email that the date
>doesn't work for me as I already had family plans -with a 40th
>wedding anniversary and all, and this is the important part:
>SO I WON'T BE ABLE TO CO-HOST A SHOWER ON THAT DATE! But that
>you will be sending a gift.
>
>There - you're off the hook. Don't call unless you have to -
>the less discussion about it the better. Just act like it
>would never occur to you to HOST a shower you couldn't attend.
> It seems to be done occasionally, but I would NEVER co-host
>something I couldn't attend(not becasue it's wrong, I just
>don't see the point), and no one should be expected to!
>
>And then - you're out of that part of it. Just say you're so
>sorry you won't be able to be part of the shower. And tell
>your friend how sad you are that youcan't help give the
>shower, but that you had previous family plans - and how it's
>such a big deal to your husband's family, and how you can't
>wait for her wedding - you're so excited for her, etc., etc.
>
>You don't have to do this and you won't even look bad for not
>doing it - you have the perfect excuse!
>
>I know times are tough for you - they're tough here, too, but
>don't compromise all that you and dh have worked for so far
>for these jerks (not your friend - her relatives)!


Perfect!!!

(btw, if I ever need advice I'm knocking on your door. :) )

[papal]

Great advice!!! Kath, I would do exactly what Claire says. If you cannot be there to co-host, there is no need to send her money. The audacity of some people. I just want to kick her really hard in the shins.

[Melanie]

ditto! That sounds like great advice and I'm sorry that you're in such a sticky situation.

[cuca_]

You got great advice from Claire. This is exactly the reason I did not have a shower when I got married. I've seen one to many showers turn into unnecessary fund-raisers. Ugh!! I hope you are able to get out of it and that you are feeling better!

Carmen

[AngelaS]

Claire is a GENIUS!! I TOTALLY agree with her!

[stella]

A GENIUS?? WOW!!

I don't think anyone has ever said that about me before...

Just to put it in perspective - 6 of us just had a nice baby shower for a friend. Not fancy, but very nice - with silver, cloth napkins, china, beautiful fruit, petits fours, finger sandwiches, breads, cheese wafers, mimosas and iced tea. And we gave our friend a Peg Prima Pappa high chair as a group gift.

We each brought a food item and chipped in for invitations and the big present and each of our cost was $36.50.

I thought that was very reasonable and it was a lovely shower. What are they planning for $275??? A weekend in Las Vegas?

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

UGHHH this was hard to read since for some reason I have to scroll back and forth to read it on my screen...but I got the gist...
I have not read others responses but here is mine from what I got gathered here...

You chose to say YES to be in your best firends wedding because she is your best friend and I hope was in your or has celebrated with you for things...and it is a joyeous event in your dear friends life and you are honored to participate.

BUT what these fellow bridesmaids have done is tacky!!!!!
That is not what standing beside a friend at a wedding is about. I can think of NOTHING that a shower involves that shoud cost so much.
I would clearly tell them...that you'd do anything for your friend but that that is not possible. That is insane almost $300 each for attendants to pay to throw off a shower.
I would also say that you have already bought the gift that you are giving and that you stand by the gift you selected...so that not to count you in for this gift that they decided to get without consulting you on it...say somehting like "Oh I have known what I wanted to get her for ages"...

Anyway please don't let this effect your relationship or your commitment to your girlfriend this is just one of the tumors that grows in many wedding planned...it is ashame!!!!!
More weedings and funerals destroy families and friendships I swear...
Be there for your girlie...you don't owe these bridesmaids anything!!!!
Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[ShayleighCarsensMom]

ditto ditto ditto......
BUT...I woudl personally call your friend to let her know that you will not be able to make it b/c of the 40th anniversary party.
I know she will understand...
You should never have to pay for a party that you didnt get to help plan!
Smile, you sound like an awesome friend!

[ShayleighCarsensMom]

<More weddings and funerals destroy families and friendships I swear...>

Isnt that the truth!!!!
They both make you realize who your true friends and family really are!

[candybomiller]

I don't have any advice to add. I feel for you though.

And I want to know, since your selling off some of your strollers... are you planning on selling the black sable p3? I know, I'm incredibly tacky, but I just decided today that I need one, so... :)

[firstbaby]

I actually found myself in a very similar predicament weeks ago. I offered to throw a shower for a dear friend and a few days later another one of her girlfriends also offered. So the friend contacted me and suggested we throw it together (good) and she has the best idea - let's do it at a nice restaurant (bad). She had already contacted the place for menus, etc. I told her I thought it was a nice idea but once she got the menus, etc. to call me and we could decide if it was cost-effective. Next thing I knew, she emailed me to let me know she booked the place, the date had changed and she was sending invites out ASAP. I consider myself a "crafty" person and looked forward to making invites, but I am getting off topic... so she says that if I want to co-host, pay half "blah blah blah" great or if I'm too busy she understands. I was mad because at this point she still didn't share what the cost was, she changed the date and I felt like she was saying "I've planned it - now pay me half". So I responded that since she was so organized and so together that she should run with it and how lucky my friend was that she was going to throw her such a lovely shower. It worked!!! I called my friend and she totally understood. Let us know how things work out - good luck - I've totally been there :)

[MamaKath]

Let me start by saying thanks for the kind words and wonderful advice! Neve, sorry about the funky formatting. Rashmi, thank you for the offer to kick her shins, I figure maybe we can get a crowd of our little ankle biters to set loose on her. ;-) Candy, the P3 isn't mine, sorry. I certainly would consider it otherwise. I'll have to make sure that the owner is thanked more prominently on my site. Stella (why is your first name escaping me right now?!?) what wonderful words of wisdom! Really helped me sort out my thoughts. I am going to talk to her via telepphone but now I have my ammunition from my own group of Ms. Manners. :-) I have a feeling I am more prepared than she will be when she calls, lol. So now for my update, it is long:

Last night was a late one. I headed up around 3. I was just so upset! A thunderstorm rolled in and worked up the dog. The dog woke up my husband. My husband’s hollering woke up the baby. The baby’s screaming woke my daughter. By 4 I got everyone but me and the dog back to sleep. The kids got me up at 7 to get my daughter ready for school. My husband had yet another 12 hour day to look forward to and was leaving by the time I got back. I puttered this morning, picked up my daughter from school, then went to her friend’s for lunch with her and the baby. After lunch he was so wound that I left her there and took him for a drive to nap. We went and got Slurpees and headed back to pick her up. The other mom was thrilled at how nicely they played, said anytime. Made me happy!

By now a thunderstorm had rolled in and it was downpouring. I got home, and went through my garage to get inside. I noticed immediately that the puddle that had showed up after a downpour the other day was deeper, and now encompassed two sides of the garage. The garage was flooded!!!! Now this might not be a big deal if the garage were clean enough for cars to be parked in it, but ours is..well..it is not! My strollers were out there (only a couple, lol), as were the extra carseats. His motorcycle and tools are in unorganized heaps. We have things we haven’t unpacked, we have things in one section for another yard sale next month, and we have boxes that are already packed for the upcoming move. My husband keeps asking when we are going to work on the garage. Well today was the day!!!

All the boxes were soaked. I call him at work and can’t reach him. I call a neighbor, she can’t help. Call a friend she is not home. Call another friend, in hysterical tears by now, and she heads right over. God is good!!! We tackle all the boxes we can. Move dry ones to higher ground. Unpack wet ones before everything inside is soaking wet. Throw all the trash into my husband’s truck that is taking up valuable parking space since it doesn’t move! Bring inside all the strollers and carseats (ETA- These didn't get wet, I just didn't want them to sit out there with all that moisture) and fabric (I used to quilt, and have tons of fabrics, especially kids ones, made me sad to see them and know they are not being used) to be taken care of. Sweep, sweep, mop, mop. Almost all out. The neighbor calls, her basement is flooded. Never occurred to me to check mine. Gentleman from church calls, asks why I am out of breath. I explain. He tells me if I need help to call him, he will be “right down”, lol. He lives 30 miles away. When he didn’t hear back, he called a family local to me. They came and cleaned my gutters so that it won’t happen again if it storms tonight. Deep breath, eat dinner!

I sent a long email to the bride last night catching her up on all that is going on in my life. Sans the nitty gritty shower stuff. I also emailed the other brides maid asking her to call me. I got one back today from the bride. She knows about the shower, has for a couple weeks! I called her and we had a long talk. She is excited, thought I knew all about it. She had told her sisters to call me and her future step-daughter since we are both on limited budgets prior to doing something, and to check dates. I guess her step daughter was as floored as I was, though I am the only one who can’t attend. She is very disappointed about that but so understanding. She was very upset to hear that we both only heard about the whole thing through an email from her sister after everything is already pretty much planned. I felt terrible even saying something to her, but as we were talking, she was putting together the brief stuff from me and the brief stuff fro her step-daughter and figuring it out. She agrees that her sister is out of line requesting money at this point. So she knows that her sisters are not going to be happy it sounds like with me or the future step daughter, but they brought it on themselves. She is glad that I am in her wedding regardless of her sister’s wacky, rude behavior. She is a blessing to have as a friend! I miss her terribly, miss helping her more with getting ready. Miss getting a hug from a totally dear friend who has been there through so much with me. I have such dear friends in my new state, but it is not the same.

I guess tonight I’ll finish cleaning things out of my kitchen, get to bed before midnight, and be ready for an interesting conversation with my friend’s sister tomorrow. At least I have the courage I will need for this one. I just pray for the grace and tact to handle this well!

[doubleL]

Wow Kath! I am SOOOOO SORRY!!! That all is very sucky indeed. I'm glad you were able to catch up with the bride-to-be friend and that things are good between you two. That is what is important. Hope you get lots of help with the garage and that things at home get better soon.

Lou
~David 5.01
~Elisabeth 6.03

[tippy]

sorry you have to deal with a bad situation but it sounds like you WILL do it with grace and tact! Sounds like you are blessed with some really great friends and caring people in your life. Dont let the Turkeys get you down. Just remember, you were not the innapropriate one here and you really don't owe any apologies or explainations other than you wont be able to make it since the date (which nobody contacted you about) doesn't work for you. The good news about the day you had is that tomorrow will more than likely be a better day! Hang in there and good luck with the call.:-)