Um, Can we talk about my MIL? (a bit long - sorry)

[lmladuke]

This is partially a vent, but I really would like some advice on this. Let me give you some quick background - my MIL are not really what you would call friends. In my opinion she is a controlling PITA, who thinks everything should be about her - and she should get to call the shots in my marriage and with my kid(s). When DS was born 3 years ago she wanted to be in control of everything - I quickly put my foot down, which has not made me very popular - but I am ok with that.

I am almost 8 months pg with my 2nd child. Last week she was over visiting and asked me if we had ultrasound pictures of the baby. I told her we had one, and that it did not come out good because of the position of the baby.(which is the truth) I showed it to her. She asked me to make her a photocopy of the ultrasound. Now, to be honest, I was not going to rush and make one the next day - but I also am pretty busy at work and I also forgot about it. Last night she called and asked DH if I had made the photocopy yet - he asked me,, and I said I was so busy I have not had a chance. She said she really wants a copy so she can start her new photoalbum when the next baby comes.

It ticks me off - like I have nothing better to do - and honestly, I know she is the grandmother but she is not the parent - why does she feel entitled to everything that DH and I are as the parents. For the record my own parents do not have copies of the ultrasound picture. Am I way off base being annoyed by this, and what do I do? I really don't see why the heck she needs it -it is something for DH and I to share. I can only put her off for so long, so I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Thanks


Lori

[farsk]

Lori,

I feel for you. I, too, dislike my MIL. I have a feeling that this is an "if you give an inch, she'll take a mile" scenario, so my thoughts are...do what makes you happy, because hardly anyone else will do it for you! I would be inclined to "forget" forever.

Good Luck!

[candybomiller]

Ok, I'm right there with you with PITA in-laws.

But.... this seems like such a little thing... Maybe it's worth keeping the peace and giving her a picture. I think it's kind of sweet, actually. She wants to be involved. It is her grandchild, which to me is kind of a big deal. I can't wait to have grandkids and be a dotty old grandma.

I guess my advice is this: this is such a little thing and in the long run isn't going to ruin your life to make a copy of the picture. Do it to make her happy. Save your energy for the important fights.

[Jeanne]

Lori,
Is your DH the only son? It seems quite common the more you talk to people that their MIL's involvement is directly related to how many other siblings are around. Several of my friends seem to have this problem.

[lmladuke]

both his older brother and sister are gay. I know that plays a HUGE part in this - especially with DH who I think feels obligated to make his parents happy and indulge their desires since his brother and sister are not. Good story - when we told MIL I was expecting for the 2nd time her comment was - "well I am thrilled, you know you are the only ones who are going to give me grandchildren?" DUH A simple congratulations would have sufficed!

Lori

[californiagirl]

Lots of gay people have kids, one way or another. If she gets on your case too much, tell her to lean on the older kids. If she finds this idea shocking, so much the better...

[redhookmom]

We have much in common. My MIL is a PITA. My SIL is gay.

In and of itself a copy of a photo is no big deal. But I can totally relate to your story. I can't put my finger on it but it is the way she asks, what she expects, her ANNOYING messages on the answeing machine.

My DH would say what is the big deal over an ultrasound picture. And, I would not be able to answer him. What I have done is made him deal with his Mom. If she asks me for something I say: I will let DH no you want that. When she asks againd I say: I did let DH know that you want that... For some reason this has really helped me. HTH

[doubleL]

Lori,

I have a very similiar MIL. She used to feel entitled to all my pics and think nothing of asking me for a copy of the most ordinary shot. She also had a ton of other ridiculous requests that I would try to accomodate. Well one day, I put my foot down and said, that is a ridiculous request, no. We have gotten along well ever since. If she asked me for a copy of an ultrasound pic today I would go out of my way to get one to her. Although occasionally the old MIL starts to rear her ugly head and I have to say something again.

So my question to you is, is this the first request in a long time or is it one of a million? I agree with Jessica that the individual incidents seem innocent enough (especially to outsiders or DH) but when you glue the whole package together... it aint pretty.

So I guess my advice is if this is the only request as of late, be gracious and give her the photocopy. If you think this is the beginning of another vicious cycle, you need to put your foot down again. Although I would probably wait until the next absurd request. I find that people like this become predictable. So try to anticipate her next move and be prepared to respond in a healthy, unemotional way. It is best to deal with it before the baby comes rather than after!

Good luck with this situation. I know how hard it can be.

Lou
~David 5.01
~Elisabeth 6.03

[Jeanne]

Oh boy Lori! I hate to say it but I think you're into if for a long time. Looks like you'll be the main focus if you will be the only provider of grandchildren.

Hang in there!

[jal]

Given that you started your post explaining how controling your MIL is, I think that IN THIS CASE you ARE off base being this annoyed over this issue. Your MIL asked for a photocopy of (picture, ultrasound, whatever... doesn't realy matter). You aggreed (and there isn't any reason she SHOULDN'T have a copy) and she's in a hurry for it (but then isn't everyone no mater what you are talking about).

Given how controlling you clain your MIL is, I'd get her the copy and blow it off. THIS is really a small issue.

SAVE YOUR ANGER for when she's really doing something thats alot more out-of-line.

[StaceyKim]

I am not really sure what the issue is. She obviously is VERY excited about the new baby and to want a picture of the ultrasound sounds very sweet to me. How many people are going to care about your ultrasound besides you and your DH?
She may be a PITA sometimes but in this case I think she is not. She IS the GRANDMOTHER and future GRANDMOTHER and your DH's mother. Try to imagine if your DS's wife treated you the same way.
Just my opinion...and believe me I have heard a lot of MIL stories and you've got it good in this situation.

[jk3]

My MIL is the same way-EVERYTHING-is about her. It seems to me that you must be very busy since you are working, 8 months pregnant + already a mom. I think the focus should be on you at the moment.

It seems strange to me that she requested a copy of the ultrasound but I'm on the private side so sharing something like that with an IL or anyone really would piss me off to no end. My DH loves to make videos of the baby + they always ask for copies of the videos which also annoyed me because they're our family videos. I clearly have issues with this so my advice might not be helpful in any way! My inlaws also feel that they should be part of our DS's every new experience. They were mad that we went to the zoo w/friends since it was DS's first time at the zoo. My deal is that they had their chance to be parents + now it's ours!

Jenn
DS 6/3/03

[lmladuke]

My IL's also feel like they have the right to be part of EVERYTHING! My MIL has more pics of my child than I do - AND she never lets me look at all of them - she will give me a random 3 or 4 photos - usually the blurry ones. Whereas my mom gives me all of the doubles and says "pick what you want" I gave her a few photos of DS this past Halloween (she was working and could not come to our house to see him in costume) All of the photos came out bad because DS did not want to sit still. She had the nerve to call me and say "can you put him back in his costume and take more photos - I bought a special frame and need a better picture?" HELLO!!! Needless to say I did not do it.

I agree with you - they were parents and got to do all of that stuff, now its my and DH's turn!


Lori

[jk3]

They might be twins! She lets me look at all of her pictures but rarely shares. I tend to photograh poorly + my inlaws took a picture of DS + me which actually came out well + though I've asked many times I've yet to receive a copy. the picture was taken mayber 5 months ago! I used to send them pictures but now I just send the link to Shutterfly.

I will make a list someday soon so that when I am lucky enough to be the MIL, I will be an excellent one!

Jenn
DS 6/3/03

[amp]

>In and of itself a copy of a photo is no big deal. But I can
>totally relate to your story. I can't put my finger on it but
>it is the way she asks, what she expects, her ANNOYING
>messages on the answeing machine.
>
>My DH would say what is the big deal over an ultrasound
>picture. And, I would not be able to answer him.

Jessica - I totally get this too! When DH asks me what the problem is, I can't always put my finger on it. I just know she rubs me the wrong way and has always made me feel like the evil DIL, so anything she asks for puts me on the defensive! Ack! Hate that!

[Melanie]

Honestly, I would only wish that some of our relatives take that much interest in our child. We showed MIL a really cool ultrasound photo of Ds' face in utero, and she was almost disgusted and would just say she couldn't tell what it was!

Anyway, I agree that it seems like a small thing, but of course we don't have the past experiences with her behind it, that you do.

[Melanie]

Okay, THAT is annoying!

[DeborahM]

I think my MIL's related...

My DH is an only child and she cannot imagine cutting the apron strings. Thank God she's on the other side of the country. We put together an album of our honeymoon pics from Spain and she kept trying to take pictures from THEM!

Deborah
Mom to Thomas and soon-to-arrive baby girl

[memedee]

I am an MIL and have had an MIL.
I dont think what she is asking for in this particular situation is a big deal BUT I think I can understand a little how you feel.
My MIL was SOOO annoying and rude and I also did not put up with too much nonsense from her.I have to say though that I would not have reacted well to any request from her because I never grew to like her.
She could have won me over but she never tried.She just continued to behave in her "all about me" way and I never warmed up to her at all.
From this behavior of hers, I have gained a unique perspetive regarding the MIL DIL relationship.
I feel it is my job to win my DIL over not hers to win me over.My son chose her and from that day on,I wanted her to feel as much a part of the family as my own daughter.
I work very hard at it.Please understand that I absolutely adore her and think of her as my own but I try sooo hard not to overstep.I hope I am doing ok
I know that sometimes a few ill worded comments can color an entire relationship between an mil and dil.
That being said,how I feel towards my grandchildren is indescribable and so unique and special.
If I were denied access to them it would be a heartbreak and although I am not the parent I can assure you the feelings are the same.
I know the parents come first and I am happy with second.
I would think it would be wonderful to know that someone cares about your children as much as you do.

[lmladuke]

Can I adopt you for my MIL????

Seriously though, I appreciate your perspective. I especially can relate to these comments:

"I would not have reacted well to any request from her because I never grew to like her. She could have won me over but she never tried.She just continued to behave in her "all about me" way and I never warmed up to her at all."

I really do think that sums up alot of my problems with her. I realize she lives my son (and will love this new baby just as much) but I think sometimes the awful disrespectful way she does not acknowledge me as the mother really clouds my ability to try and get along with her. It has caused major problems in my marriage to the point we had to go to counseling.

Thanks again for the thoughful, honest comments.



Lori

[deborah_r]

Dori,

You sound a lot like my MIL - she was just here for an almost 2 week visit, and I miss her terribly! As does my son, I'm sure!

[memedee]

If you had to go to counseling,then she has been a toxic influence to your marriage and I can totally understand your unwillingness to go even an inch for her.
I hope that your husband backs you up in this situation.Seriously ,if my husband remained neutral or worse took her side,I think We Definitely would have been in counselling or worse not together.
I don't know why but he understood that my feelings came first in this situation.
Probably because she drove him nuts too.
I really feel for you.
Too bad she just doesnt get it.
My MIL went to her deathbed with her ridiculous notion that my husband should have put her first.
I must say that I had no regrets after her death.Her selfish behavior totally took me off the hook.
BTW She babysat once and complained about a dirty pan that I left in the sink for years.
The funny thing is I think she liked me.She was always remarking to other people how pretty or smart I was but never to me.
To me,it was always subtle references to the fact that I was so lucky to NAB her son.
Oh well
Wish you the very best through this
ETA the other sad thing is My children never warmed up to her because I think they felt that I did not like her let alone love her

[StaceyKim]

That is awful! I am sorry that you are going to counseling because of her! It is a rotten feeling to be made to feel like a second class citizen by your MIL. So, I do think this has clouded your opinion on everything that she does and I can understand that! I don't understand why MIL's do this and I see it too often. It must come from some insecurity about their relationship with their sons because they are in some way competing with you and trying to show you who is boss. My ex-MIL was a complete psycho and was the most passive aggressive person and would stir up trouble ALL the time. I am sure she wishes now that she butted out because her DS is STILL single!!!! I do think it makes a huge difference when the husbands back up the wives though.

I still think the ultrasound picture isn't a big deal but I am sure any request from her is annoying because of the way she treats you. I would send her the copy JUST to shut her up!

Dori said it completely right!!!

>>If you had to go to counseling,then she has been a toxic influence to your marriage and I can totally understand your unwillingness to go even an inch for her.
I hope that your husband backs you up in this situation.Seriously ,if my husband remained neutral or worse took her side,I think We Definitely would have been in counselling or worse not together>>>

[bcblue]

I usually don't post, but when it comes to crazy MILs I have to. The ultrasound issue...AAAGGHH! My MIL wanted pics from baby #1, I thought it was insane, intrusive and annoying, my DH gave it to her. It is not okay with me. She is excited yes, but she also needs to realize my children are not hers, which is very hard for her to get. (She refers to my DD as one of her children)
My SIL is also a lesbian, and happens to have a terminal illness.
We are the only hope for grandchildren. My husband wants to share our daughter and future baby and every experience with them (the ILs) he is better now but I had to tell him our children come first not his mother and sister. He doesn't even like them that much, he wants to keep the peace. Just being practical here: they love my DD, but...and this is a HUGE but...they happen to be horrible people who treat me like sh-t. (Everyone tells me, they are so horrible to everybody, why should the way they treat you bother you, this doesn't make me feel better.) After a huge fight last year, I pick my battles, and now I feel like I am winning the war.
Two weeks ago my husband gave my MIL an ultra sound, I silently lost my mind.
Someone else posted really, really great advice, send all requests to your DH. I love that, it really works well too.