My poor baby...feeling like the world's worst mom (sleep related and LONG)

[cvharris]

DS is a spirited kid who has always needed lots of help to get to sleep, even as an itty bitty newborn. We eventually settled into a nursing-to-sleep and cosleeping pattern. As he's gotten older, we were able to put off cosleeping at night by placing him in the crib after he fell asleep and having him there the first few hours at night to avoid having to go to bed at so early ourselves, but he usually doesn't last in there long. He's always had a bad night waking pattern, waking up at least 5 times a night, and sometimes up to 10 times a night, and I quickly soothe him back to sleep with the breast. We've suffered through the night waking, but it's taken it's toll, especially on DH.

Lately, he's refused to nurse to sleep anymore. It hasn't worked for a week. DH has the ability to rock DS to sleep, but DS won't let me rock him to sleep. So for nights we were still okay but for the daytime, I can't get him to nap anymore unlesses he crashes from sheer exhaustion. :(

So, DH recently has talked about really wanting to do the Weissbluth plan and CIO. It didn't feel right to both of us to do this in the past, but DS' overtiredness and inability to soothe himself to sleep or sleep for more than three hours at a time at night seemed unhealthy. And DH (and myself to an extent) have really been suffering with the sleep situation.

Well it didn't work. The first night he wailed loudly and unconsolably for several hours and we don't think he ever laid down in the crib. He mostly sat there and we went in when we heard screaming from him falling into the side of the crib and hitting his head. He had a bump on his head (no signs of concussion). He also dirtied his diaper really bad (which he never does at night) and he had horrible diaper rash. Despite all that, DH wanted to give it one more night so we did but the next day we had worse problems. He wouldn't nap that day, and at night he cried even louder and longer. Both nights he never fell asleep on his own, not even after several hours of crying. Today he has hardly any voice and hasn't been able to nurse hardly because his throat is so raw. We've had to watch for dehydration. Worse of all, he just hates us. He's not the loving baby he used to be and I don't blame him.

I am angry that we ever did this, since it never felt right. I feel like we've damaged our relationship with our baby, and harmed him both physically and mentally and he will never feel be as attached to us like he used to be. It just feels awful, and I can't get over it. :(

Carolee and Ben (6/14/03)

[bluej]

I am familiar with your feelings of exhaustion and wanting to do something to help your child and then feeling like you did the wrong thing. Trust me when I tell you Ben loves you as much today as he did yesterday or two days ago or last week. CIO didn't work with Caden either. He would just get more worked up and sleep would take so much longer than if I just rocked/cuddled him for the twenty mintues he needed me to each night. I just want to reassure you that you have not damaged your relationship with Ben. I not only tried CIO with Caden once, but three times (I can be slow to learn sometimes :( ) and he still loves me dearly. As soon as Ben gets some good solid sleep he will be the loving, joyful baby he truly is. I wish I could give you some tips on how to get him that sleep. {{{{hugs}}}} to you and Ben.

[toomanystrollers]

{{{{{{{{Carolee}}}}}}}}}}
Don't you dare think for a minute that Ben feels differently towards you - he's exhausted and you're exhausted.

FWIW, Shea was an absolute horrible sleeper until about 12 months on. We used a modified CIO method - going from 1 min to 2 mins. and so on. And I would leave him in his crib and just rub his back, talk to him, etc, but no nursing. And I wouldn't take him out of his crib either. And trust me, it was a lot of work - especially the back rubbing over a crib railing. I'd also lay down on the floor in his room with my pillow and blanket so he wasn't alone. Sure, he'd get mad - but at least, he knew I was there with him. Probably took a month solid to work out a reliable routine.

Now the kid could sleep through a tornado :) Eventually, they all learn how to sleep.

[threerugratz]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Your little guy will be fine and it will fade from his mind far quicker than it will yours. You tried something to see if it worked, dont' fault yourself for that. If it had worked you wouldn't even be giving it a second thought.

I have 3 kids. With my first I worked nights till 1:00am so my husband had bedtime duty. I would imagine there were times when he put my son to bed and let him cry some. My hubby gets up at 5:30am for work so he needed his sleep and my son probably did cry at bedtime some. My 2nd (daughter) was needy and co-slept (nursed also) and she rarely cried herself to sleep cause she nursed to sleep. After I weaned her, bedtime became harder as her nighttime soothing was gone. I tried the crying it out approach and failed. She cried for several hours and when she did finally pass out from exhaustion, I could not longer sleep because then I was crying and upset. I decided I wouldn't be doing that again. But I needed to try it to know if it was right or wrong for us. I often would lay with her to help her get to sleep and it sometimes took a bit but was less stressful on both of us. At naptime, I would put a blanket on the floor and lay with her till she drifted to sleep. It's different for everyone but I did what worked for us although it may not have been the right thing to do in other's opinion. She is 7 now and probably the best sleeper of my 3 kids. My youngest is 5 and still sometimes wants me to lay with him. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. He is very restless when he is trying to go to sleep and seems to need someone there sometimes. He will toss and turn, roll around, drive ya nuts basically and then.....all of the sudden he just stops and he is asleep. It's almost funny if it didn't drive ya nuts.

I would guess your little guy isn't as loving simply because he's crabby because he's tired. He cried during alot of his sleeping time. After he gets some needed rest, he will probably be back to his old self. Don't beat yourself up for trying something, sometimes you have to try things to find out what works. Give him some cuddle time and relax. You'll get through all of it fine, just give it time.

Smiles, Lisa (long time lurker but rare poster)

[pritchettzoo]

You're not the world's worst mom! Ben will be back to his old sweet self just as soon as he catches up on sleep. He will forgive you. You've been building attachment with him for almost a year--I don't think ANYTHING you did over a few hours would change that.

Could he be getting in some molars? That would explain the diaper rash and the extra crankiness. I'm not a tooth expert; I was just trying to remember when friends' babies got their molars.

Give yourself a big hug! Ben still adores his mommy! :)

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[Rachels]

Oh, Carolee!!! I'm so sorry, sweetie. Be gentle with yourself. It's SO hard to listen to your instincts when you're exhausted. We all make mistakes as parents-- there are times that all of us go against what feels right or natural in some way at some time, and end up regretting it later. This is yours. It sounds incredibly difficult and sad, but it will get better. This sounds like a good time to devote a few days to really reconnecting with your babe. Nurse as often as possible, read stories, snuggle, take naps together, etc. Tell him you love him and tell him you're sorry. Babies understand way more than we give them credit for. He'll hear you, and he'll know you respect him.

Next, get some support from cosleeping, EBF, and night nursing families. This kind of parenting is wonderful and amazing, but also takes a lot of support. Help build yourself a buffer against people who think there's something wrong with you and your child for still nursing at night at this age. If you need some ideas, PM me.

And finally, read the book Good Nights by Dr. Jay Gordon. It will totally restore your faith in what you're doing. And if you decide that nightweaning is what you and your family need to do in order for you to feel okay together and for you to still have access to your instincts, he has a gentle plan for nightweaning cosleeping babies.

And know that you're not alone. Here is a thread from mamas who feel like you do:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=127171&highlight=admit+CIO

And fundamentally, remember that guilt is an okay thing. It helps to keep us in line as parents. If we never allowed ourselves to feel regret, we'd keep on perpetuating the very stuff that's so unsettling to us in the first place.

Hugs, mama. YOu and your little one will come through this tough time.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/knit.gif

"We have a secret in our culture...it's not that birth is painful, it's that women are strong!!" - Laura Stavoe Harm

[Melanie]

I'm so sorry! I am sure after some time of back to your usual habits his normal feelings will return. I highly HIGHLY recommend Elizabeth Pantley's 'No Cry Sleep Solution,' it's not the miracle overnight cure for night-waking that some types taut, but it helped us alot.

Many hugs to you and your little one.

[cvharris]

Ben has gotten a lot more sleep last night and today and has gotten his smile back a little. We're still having nursing issues during the day and he's still hoarse :( but happy to be back in in mom and dad's bed.

Thanks for all the kind words and the suggestions. :) We're going to work on getting things back to normal first and then take it slowly from there. No more CIO for us, though!

Carolee and Ben (6/14/03)