MIL's pettiness(long)

[jlcana]

We moved about an hour away from IL's a year ago. When we lived about 10 minutes from them, we would ask them to babysit every 2 months without much problem. Since we have moved, we have asked them to babysit DS three times and the last 2 times it was a huge struggle! I realize that we moved away so we have been doing most of the driving to visit them. DS is 2 and still in a crib(happily).

The last 2 times, MIL suggested we bring DS to their house to spend the night. This would be great but she has no crib and there's really no place for him to sleep. He has never slept in our bed and will not sleep in a regular bed. This would also mean we would be driving 4 HOURS to do this(drop off and pick up)! My MIL has whined that the other grandmothers at work have their grandkids spend the night. My response was that all the grandmothers I know have a place for them to sleep. We have been called inconsiderate and demanding by asking them to drive to our home to babysit. IL'S have no problem driving to other places about an hour from their home. To me, it would be different if DS had transitioned to a regular bed but he loves his crib. This time the wedding we are are going to is too early in the day for her.

It's to the point that I don't ever want to ask them to babysit again because it takes a week to get an answer and then there's a argument about her disagreeing with our parenting and where we live. It's not worth the stress to me. I have never had a really good relationship with her in the 10 years I have known her and I think this is playing into her attitude as well.

It seems to me she is letting her opinions of us get in the way of her relationship with DS. She really loves DS and is good with him when she's around him. I think it would be good for him to have a relationship with her in spite of my opinion of her. I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem.

Any suggestions? I would welcome honest opinions on this, thanks!

[KYBelle1102]

Spring for the babysitter...

I can see both sides of this. Traveling an hour each way for babysitting is a bit much, regardless of whomever is doing the driving. By the time you factor in the time and gas for the drive, you might as well have paid a local babysitter. When DS is ready for sleeping in a regular bed, then the overnight visits at Grandma's house can happen. If she's that anxious for him to stay at her house, she'd make the necessary arrangements for his comfort and safety.

If you haven't had a good relationship with her anyway, you have nothing to lose by not asking her to babysit. If she's going to let something this trivial interfere with her relationship with her GS, then that's her issue.

Just my two cents...

[lmladuke]

I am probably not the right person to respond to this post (see my MIL post) but I say do what is best for your DS! You are perfectly willing to let her babysit, but just tell her it is best for DS to be in his own house. And if the reason for her babysitting is to allow her to spend time with DS and help you and your DH out in the process, than coming to your house will accomplish both.

This "other grandmothers have their grandchildren sleep over" comment cracks me up. How many of us when we were kids tried the "the other kids get to eat cookies/stay out late/not have to do homework, etc. Only to be told by your parents "I don't care what other kids get to do" Its pretty much the same thing it's not about what she wants.

Get a babysitter and enjoy yourself.

Lori

[amp]

>This "other grandmothers have their grandchildren sleep over"
>comment cracks me up. How many of us when we were kids tried
>the "the other kids get to eat cookies/stay out late/not have
>to do homework, etc. Only to be told by your parents "I don't
>care what other kids get to do" Its pretty much the same
>thing it's not about what she wants.


Great point!

[jlcana]

I agree! I thought her comment was very childish. I didn't state clearly in my post that we would be a wedding and/or reception and would be gone 6-7 hours. I would never ask her to babysit just for a couple of hours. We figured the ILS would want to spend the time with DS since they complain that they don't see him enough! We were going to leave the keys to our car so they could go to the park, out to eat, for ice cream etc and pay for it. All my MIL could see would be that she would have to drive to a place she doesn't like us living!

Everytime we try to do what's best for DS, we get told how it inconveniences her and the rest of the family. She even was upset about the hospital he was born at because it wasn't the one she worked at! My ob I've been going to for 12 years doesn't practice at her hospital-lucky me! I can only imagine what would have happened if he was born at her hospital. It would have been an endless parade of her and her co-workers in and out as I was sleeping or bf'ing-no thanks!

Thanks for your comments!

[StaceyKim]

Find a babysitter!!! You don't want to have to depend on someone (that you obviously can't depend on) and have a regular person come and watch DS. It will make a huge difference in your life!
My mom has a crib, a changing table, toys, pnp, stroller, car seat, baby food, spoons, diapers, etc. etc. at her house so my brother can bring their DS to her house anytime to sit and she lives about 1/2-45 minutes away (depending on traffic). It's absolutely NO BIG DEAL for her to drive and pick up her grandchild and drop him off too. My SIL absolutely loves my mom and trusts her completely with her DS.

I wish I lived closer to my parents but they fly out every month to see my DS!

Sorry your MIL makes you feel badly that you moved away. It's her loss if she doesn't spend time with your child.

Good luck!

[StaceyKim]

ya, i agree with the above comments as well!!

[Melanie]

Sounds like they want to make it inconvenient so you guys will move back!

Anyway, my MIL will never babysit either, not a chance. She's kind of the same way, wants to see him/complains a bit she doesn't get to, but doesn't make it a priority in her life, either.

Definitely do what is best for your little one! I'd probably take mine with me to the wedding, but that is just us.

Good Luck!

[Mommie2MadLyn]

I may be misunderstanding your post, but is the main problem the fact that she has nowhere for him to sleep? Or is it just frustrating that she can't be a little more flexible? Because my MIL usually takes DD once a month for a sleep over, and we just give her the PNP. It works out great, DD doesn't mind sleeping in the PNP and MIL is happy because she gets to have a sleepover. Would this be an option for you? I know it still means you have to drive, but to me it might be worth it. DH and I always like the fact that we get to "sleep in" the next morning when DD is at Grammy's house! ;-)

[jlcana]

That's only one of the problems. DS outgrew PNP at about a year-he can't lie in it without being twisted around, he's 37 inches tall. I wish he could still use it so we could sleep in!

[sarahfran]

I can so feel your distaste for your MIL. Oh, wait... maybe that's my distaste for my MIL I'm feeling... Anyway, sounds like she is pouting a bit because she wants bragging rights (MY grandson stays over) and because you and your DH didn't value her opinion enough to let it guide your choice in a home. As if. Afterall, it ain't about her-- but that's probably not a concept she's likely to understand (old dog, new trick).

BUT... I think your desire to have her have a great relationship with your DS is great. Would you consider buying a crib for her house? Ikea has some inexpensive ones for like $80, add a mattress, and that's like $150 ish. You could quickly reach that amt in babysitting fees.

If it were me, I'd probably go ahead and drive there and drop him off with a crib just so that I could be completely comfortable that he was with family. And it wouldn't be the end of the world for her to get to have bragging rights. It would just be awful if she ended up resenting your son because of her feeling that her needs for/from him weren't met. I know that her issues are petty and it feels backwards to have to pander to them, but in the long run, hopefully your DS will have nothing but positive thoughts about her built from a loving relationship. If creating an environment for that loving relationship means buying her a crib and driving for a few extra hours every couple of months, it's probably worth it.

As a side note, I've had to adjust my mindset from "why the heck is my MIL so self-absorbed??" to "she is, I can't change it, I need to decide what I want from her and pragmatically determine how best to get that." When my MIL sets silly conditions on things ("but he must wear a sailor suit! I've always loved boys in sailor suits!"), rather than get irritated by them, I try to tell myself that I'm the adult in the situation and I need to behave as I would with a difficult child ("Ok, would you rather he wear the sailor suit for church tomorrow or for dinner tonight?")--drawing boundaries that work for me.

I'm sorry if I've sounded too negative about your MIL... I'm sure I'm projecting a lot of my own experience. I am working really hard to improve my relationship with my MIL by changing my reactions to her, because I too want my son to have a good relationship with her.

Good luck. Don't take your eyes off the prize!!
-Sarah
Mom to Dylan, 8/18/03

:) Motherhood is such a joy! :)

[C99]

I would find another arrangement. As someone else said, 2 hours of driving is a long way, no matter who is doing the driving. If she is doing YOU a favor, why shouldn't it be on her terms?

But I hear ya: my MIL was supposed to watch Nate overnight so that we could go away for our anniversary. I wanted her to come over; my husband said that they'd only do it at their house (also about an hour's drive away). And then they forgot, so I asked someone else.

[jk3]

I feel your pain. I think it's honorable that you are encouraging the grandparent/grandchild relationship even though she stresses you out. It seems like the inlaws should either rent/borrow/buy a crib or babysit at your house. If these aren't acceptable options, hire someone else.

The comparison about all other grandparents with the child's view of all other parents makes me laugh. I'll save that for the next time it comes up in my situation.

In some families (not mine or yours of course) family members try to be accomodating to the families with young children.

Good luck-it can be so tough!

Jenn
DS 6/3/03

[memedee]

I am an MIL and a grandmother.
In that role I want to part of a solution not part of a problem.
It seems to me that your MIL is unconcerned about any realistic solutions,she just sees one point of view,hers.
I think it is admirable of you to try so hard to encourage this relationship.
My suggestion would be this for the next time.
"Mom {or whatever you call her} we have a wedding to go to and we are the most comfortable leaving the baby with you.Could you come to our house and sleep over as the party will be running late.Could you let us know by tomorrow so that if you cannot do it we will try to find a sitter"
If you do not hear from her by the next day ,seek an alternative plan.
As far as encouraging this relationship with the children,I say do what fits in with your lives.
If you want to take a drive and see her with the children then do so.
However it appears that she does not inconvenience herself at all to help you out nor does it sound as if she makes any great effort to see them so do not beat yourself up if you do not feel like taking that drive.
I take my grandson overnight on a regular basis once a week and any other time that they request.As a result my son and DIL do go out of their way to see us when we call.
It works both ways.
BTW it is not like we have no life.We are very social and I am a real estate broker.I have actually been mistaken for the baby's mother{obviously by some visually impaired}.I would post a pic but do not know how to take the photo off OFOTO and attach}
My point is ,it is not like I have nothing to do and that is why I put myself out for them.I do it because I want to have a relationship with my grandchildren whom I adore!!!!
And you can tell her I do not have one friend who does not have a crib at their house and a lot of other stuff!!!and some of their grandchildren live a flight away.
Dr phil aka Dori

[jlcana]

Thanks for your wise insight! We have invited them to spend the night and they refuse-there's no reason given to us. I always thought that would be nice for everyone if it would work both ways!

It just seems that my MIL doesn't really do much to involve herself in DS's life and we have to make all the effort. That's compounded by how much time she has spent with her other grandson who's 7. It's not fair that our DS is being "punished" because she happens to prefer my husband's brother(father of other grandson) to us. It breaks my heart to see the favoritism.

You sound like you have it all together with your family, enjoy them and they're lucky to have a grandmother/MIL like you!

Lisa

[memedee]

It is her loss.
Your son will be fine without her.She is the one missing out.
So sorry it makes you so sad for your husband.
He is very lucky to have you.

[Sarah1]

It sounds to me like you're being really reasonable. If your MIL doesn't have a crib, how is your DS supposed to spend the night there? If she went out and bought a crib, that would be one thing, but she hasn't--so where's the little guy going to sleep?

Like someone else said, it sounds like your MIL only wants to babysit if it's convenient for HER. I wouldn't feel too bad about it!

Edited to add--not to mention the fact that you guys would have to drive a long way WITH DS to get to her place...she's being selfish and forgetting what a pain it is to drive a long way with a toddler!!

[masha12]

I consider any babysitting done by grandparents as them doing ME a favor, not me doing THEM a favor.

Grandparents are not hired help. If you want someone to come into your home and watch your child on your terms, hire a babysitter. If you want the security of knowing that the child is in the care of someone you know and trust or you want free babysitting, then you have to be willing to accomodate that person's needs and desires.

If your mother-in-law does not want to spend the day at your house watching your son, that is her choice and your choice is to either hire a babysitter or drive the child to her house and get a bed for the child to sleep in there.

Your mother-in-law is doing you and your husband a favor by agreeing to watch the child so you and your husband can attend a wedding. It is your responsibility to provide for your child's needs, not your mother-in-law's.