"Do you not do as much work around the house as you used to?"

[miki]

That is actually what my husband said to me while I happened to be checking my email after DD had gone to sleep and he was dumping a basket of clean laundry onto the bed expecting me to fold it. Actually what he said was, "Is it my imagination or do you not do as much work around the house as you used to?"

This is after I was up 3x the previous night with DD while he slept. After I dressed her for the day and fed her all her baby food meals. After I played with her and chased her around for hours keeping her away from various things. After I put DD to bed. After I made our dinner. During the same day, *H had 2 naps, read the newspaper, and did the laundry. I usually do the laundry during the week while he's at work but this week I just didn't because I've been dragging from getting up at 5am. So because he did the laundry (which is not really so hard because all you have to do is take the dirty stuff from our bedroom down the hall to the laundry room), all of a sudden I am not doing my share of the chores? This from the guy that leaves DD's litte dishes in the sink for me to wash even though he's washed something else that he was using.

And he thinks it's odd that I'm not thinking about having #2 in the near future.

[papal]

Grrrrrr to your #h... sometimes men don't realize they are thinking out LOUD do they?? grrrrr.... clueless clueless clueless!

[AngelaS]

My dh has made the same kind of comments. He had no clue either. He kinda got a clue one day when I left with a girlfriend (he set it up for my birthday) and he had the girls for 8 hours AND made supper. Funny, the house wasn't spotless when I returned....

[Marisa6826]

Oh MAN. It's a good thing he's not married to me, otherwise he would have been clobbered saying that!! Are you still talking to him?

Congrats on your level of restraint. Seriously.

Was he being sarcastic or serious? I don't do nearly as much as I used to do. Part of it is that we're in a MUCH bigger house, the other is that Sophie's older, more active and I'm preggo. Jonathan doesn't have a problem with it. He knows that my job is to raise Sophie, not do an impression of June freaking Cleaver.

I suggest going on strike for a day or two just so that your DH can see what you actually do all day. Go out with girlfriends shopping, then dinner and a movie - then ask him how productive his day's been.

Good grief!! I"m ticked off at your DH and I don't even know him!! ;)

Chin up, Wen!

-m

[janeybwild]

I second the strike! I had to work outside of the house part of this weekend, and DH was gleefully planning all the things he would do with DD and the chores he would tackle around the house. Needless to say, we were left cleaning the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher, picking up toys etc. after she went to bed last night. DH's comment was that he couldn’t understand why he didn't get it all done….I made it look easy…..Ha! Strike away I say or plan some time away. He’ll have to get it then surely?!

[hez]

I feel for you-- I'm only home 1 day during the 'work' week, but I still feel guilty when all I've gotten 'done' is a shower and lots of care for DS on that day.

Has your *H stayed home for a day with DD without you? It can be so eye-opening for them. DH stayed home this morning with DS (I'm home this afternoon, darn conjunctivitis!). DH got a whopping one load of laundry folded. He realized today why taking a shower for me is such an accomplishement on my day off-- DS cried the whole time & pulled the shower curtain away so he could see DH. DH ended up waiting 'til I got home so he could shower in peace.

I hope he sees the light very soon, before you have to go on strike :)

[Jacksonvol]

the tacky answer is: "It is not your imagination, I AM doing more work around the house while caring for DD." There are studies out there that have tracked the division of the workload in a family and the depressing thing is that on average, females still do a great deal more of the work in many families. It finally hit my DH how hard it is to work in the home & care for DD when I had to go out of town on a business trip for 2 days. Since then, we have had no tacky comments, but he still gets his shorts bunched every now and then when the house is not where he thinks it should be. That is when I tell him he is free to mop, vaccuum and cook to his little heart's desire or hire a cleaning lady.
To paraphrase Will Smith (a/k/a Fresh Prince), sometimes Husbands just don't understand.
Lisa

[mamahill]

"Is it my imagination or are you not as sensitive as you used to be?"

Ugh - that kind of statement would have received NO reply from me. Just a dirty look. Let me guess, then he wants to be intimate. Yeah right - you've got me all ready to go.

[miki]

If DD was weaned and he said something like that, I'd just pick up my bag and take off for the day. He really has very little idea how much work it is taking care of her because he only sees her mornings and weekends. I had the luxury of going to Walmart the other night after DD went to sleep. When I got back 90 min. later she had woken up and was screaming. I was met at the door with a, "I don't know what to do. She just keeps crying when I put her down." I'm just biding my time for a few more months. Once I am sure that DD will drink from a cup and eat with Daddy, Mommy is going to have her own day out on a regular basis. Starting at the crack of dawn when DD gets up.

[candybomiller]

Sounds like we can definitely mount up a posse and kick some *H booty. That's just absurd.

Any chance of pumping a leaving a bottle? I pumped almost exclusively with ds and was soooo happy that dh could help with feedings. Something to think about.

((HUGS)) to you and major props for not hitting him over the head. Or poisoning his dinner. Or dying his undies pink. Or putting nair in his shampoo.

[pritchettzoo]

DH would be a dead man. I agree with the strike. Maybe you could go away with DD and just leave him with all the household chores--that alone should keep him busy! :)

Print out this thread and serve it to him for dinner... :P

Anna

[miki]

I wish I could pump and leave a bottle. But DD decided about a month ago that bottles stink. We're working on teaching *H how to feed baby food without getting DD stickier than I've ever seen. Then DD has to figure out that solid food also fills the tummy and not want to nurse 30 minutes later.

I decided a while ago that I would not stoop to having arguments over stuff like this where I am obviously right but hubby is clueless. I will be the bigger person and let it go and treat him the way that I expect to be treated. (Just like I have gone all out putting together a really good looking photo book for Father's Day when all I got was a, "O yeah it's Mother's Day." But that's another rant altogether.)

Anyhoo, thanks for the support, ladies. I've cooled off enough that I've mostly forgiven him. He does go out and work really hard at a job he doesn't love so that we can live in a nice house and I can buy pretty much all the baby stuff I want DD to have without worrying about the $$.

[jerseygirl07067]

I totally sympathize....My DH, who normally is pretty good about helping out even said to me one day, "Can't you go to the grocery store today, it's not like you have anything else to do". I was totally in shock since he has been so helpful. I let him have it for that one.


Now that I am working full time (70-80% from home, 20% out of the home), he occasionally asks, "So what do you have going on today?" Duh. I constantly feel like I am justifying my day to him, even though I am working my A** off!! I was so happy when he happened to take a day off from work and he was home to see how my day was going. From the minute I woke up it was nonstop - feeding, changing, dressing, interacting and playing with DD, and all the while my work cell phone was ringing nonstop, so I was on the phone, faxing documents, writing orders, etc. on top of everything else. I think at the very end he may have gotten a clue, because he said, "Wow, pretty crazy....."

Marcy

[lukkykatt]

When I decided to stay home full time with DS, I made an announcement to DH that I was staying home to be a mother, not to be a maid. Of course, I would do what I could for the house in my "free" time, but I was expecting to receive participation from DH when he came home from work.

One thing that we try to do every night is touch base on the status of different items, and who will be doing what the next day. That helps us keep to what we have said we will do - we almost always only run into trouble when we are not getting together at night to do this.

[Melanie]

x( x( x(

I think daddy needs an entire day alone with baby and a list of chores to complete!!

From the beginning, it was understood that I was a Stay At Home MOTHER and not a Stay at home MAID. The house doesn't need me to nurture it, Ds does. As he's gotten older and I've had more "free" time (HAHAHA) I have taken on more of the household chores, but in those early months we shared the work. Dh worked all day at the office, I worked all day with Ds. When we were both home we took turns on house work, or it just didn't get done!

[lmladuke]

At least your DH does laundry - mine would not know how to do laundry even with a detailed instruction list!

I am totally in a "DH's stink" mood so I can sympathize with you totally. Mine does NO housework, and the only care for DS he does is playing with him. When we have dinner, he puts DS in his chair and then proceeds to sit and eat HIS dinner while I rush around getting DS and my dinner. Then he'll say to me - Why aren't you eating!

He still expects that I can handle everything I did before we had DS, plus my job 3 days a week and the fact that I am due with #2 in 7 1/2 weeks!!!!! And he thinks I have time to visit his parents every week and cook dinner for them!

Grrrrr....I am getting angry all over again just thinking about it.

I think its some bizarre genetic imbalance that men have where they really don't understand how much work it is taking care of a child. I also think men cannot "multitask" as much as women. I'm not trying to be stereotypical - I have male colleagues who have pretty much confirmed this.

Try not to let it get to you - and take sympathy that lots of women are in the same boat

Lori

[jk3]

Have you left your DS alone with your DS for a few hours? Even an hour might help. I'm usually around 24-7 but recently I had to be away for an entire morning + now my DH completely understands what's involved. You seem to have a lot on your plate so maybe you can find a couple of chores DH can do from time to time. Definitely nix the dinner w/the inlaws if at all possible. If you all have to get together weekly maybe they can cook + bring it to you especially with #2 on the way.

Jenn
DS 6/3/03

[miki]

Man, Lori, I'm all aggravated again reading your post! I hope your DH will at least get up early and take care of (not just play with) #1 when #2 arrives. That is a big issue with me--you see I'm trying to get the baby and myself ready at the same time to start our day yet you are laying in bed not sleeping just "resting" after a night of uninterrupted sleep.

[lmladuke]

Actually 1 day we had a plan that I was to go out and DH would stay home with DS - well, I made breakfast and got him dressed and then DH took him to his friends house (who also has a little boy) the dads sat and watched football and the kids played. I asked him what he fed him for lunch and DH basically let him eat goldfish and the carrots I packed for snacks and then said he was not hungry! DS had fun and all that, but I don't call that childcare - that's more like a field trip. I told him next time he has to stay home, take care of DS AND do housework, and see how he likes that!

Believe me, I try to nix any interaction with the IL's. They were over last night and MIL, FIL and DH were all sitting on the couch and chairs and I sat at DS' playtable with him. Um, excuse could anyone let the pregnant lady have a real seat??

Lori

[lmladuke]

Yeah, that "tired" thing gets me too. DH often goes to bed before me and DS saying he is "tired" from work. Meanwhile, he gets up same time as me on the days I work, but he drinks coffee and leaves, while I get myself ready and DS and then have the 45 minute commute to drop off and pick up DS at my mom's house before and after work. And he's tired...

Lori

[Melanie]

That is so wrong!

[candybomiller]

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR at your H. Sounds like he is being a putz.

[MandyHamm]

For the most part, my husband is very supportive; I had the pregnancy from hell, in and out of the hospital until I was induced 5 weeks early to deliver my beautiful baby girl Madison. And he was great...until we got home and I saw all the s**** that had piled up around the house, etc. Thank god baby spent 9 days in NICU so I could get things done, otherwise we'd be screwed! And he wonders why I can't relax?

I love him immensely but I wish he's take initiative and clean the damned cats' boxes!!!

As an additional question: any advice on preemie care/feeding/schedules?

Thanks in advance
Mandy mom to Maddy

[jk3]

Congratulations! My DS was four weeks early and the only advice we got early on was to feed him whenever he wanted + not to put him on a schedule for the first few months. It was tough (think major sleep deprivation) but he did really well so we were able to put him on a schedule at about 2 1/2 months. Hope that helps.

If you post your question in the Feeding or Lounge forums, you'll get more responses!

Jenn
DS 6/3/03