Another helping issue from DH

[diekatze]

Hi, I am just so frustrated that I just have to let it out somewhere. I've read couple post here already about DH being somewhat helpful but not enough....

This is my story. My DH is a physician and work in ER. So, I do know that his work is very hard and stressful. The other hand he gets 5-6 days off every 2 weeks.

When my DS was a newborn he took 3 weeks off from work as "maternity leave". Then he volunteered to bottle feed pumped breast milk DS at night. He changed diapers alot and bring me snacks, etc. Also my mom was here so she helped alot.

Now my DS is 10 months old and I feel that I do most of the work. I don't remember last time when my DH volunteered to change the diaper. He never gave him a bath..except the time that I made him. He refuses to feed him... He complains after holding the baby for 10 minutes that DS is too heavy for him. He once told me that he's afraid to be left alone with his own son! I was so mad and yelled at him.Whenever DS cries DH automatically hands me the baby and say "oh, he wants mommy" while I am doing 10 other stuff.

Ya, he will play with him when my DS is in good mood and all happy. He will take charge when we go out and eat and DS gets fussy...Buying all the toys and researching what kind of rewarding toys are around. But when it comes to real work like putting him to sleep, feeding him, changing diapers are all my responsibility. I wouldn't mind taking care of happy, playful baby 24 hours! That will be easy and fun for me too.

On top of that I live with his mom...She been great help but I also have to take care of her. If I am alone with DS, I don't have to prepare meals. I can lay down if I want to if my DS plays in the play pan...But since she's old traditional lady, when I have little break from baby, I have to do house work. When my DH gets evening shift, my MIL always initiate that I should prepare his night time meal. I am dead tired when DS finally goes to sleep but more work!

Alot of times, I get so frustrated when I am busy preparing meal, feeding baby, changing his diaper in the kitchen when both of them are laughing watching TV! They don't even bother to ask me if I need hand unless I make a fuss or faces.

When my DS was 6 month old, I had it so I told my DH that I would like to take 1 day off a month free of baby so that he can take care of him and to see what I go through everyday. That didn't happen next month so I literally took one when he was 8 month old. I wanted to take it gradually so I took 6 hours first. My MIL told me to be home early... And after I came home I saw that my MIL did most of the work.
The whole idea was for him to know his son but it didn't happen because my MIL thinks that taking care of baby is woman thing.

My DH thinks that when it comes to taking care of baby, I am the first in line then his mom. Doesn't father should come before grand ma??? I just don't understand. Doesn't he want to know what his son likes to eat or sleep, etc???

One time my DS was sick for 4-5 days. He was waking up every 2-3 hours and crying his lungs off. I was so tired and so frustrated that I was bit fussy at the baby like "why do you have to wake up so often???" infront of DH. DH was mad at me that I was mad at the sick baby. I wasn't mad at the baby. I was mad at the whole situation and also he was up all night using computer. Why couldn't he watch the baby if he was up! Aren't moms human beings too??? I am not a super woman and I do love to get 8 hours of sleep everyday.

I worked before I had the baby. I do know that working is hard but when you come home, you are free and you can schedule your own time. But with baby, it's 24 hours work and it just never ends. I do not regret having the baby and I adore him. But sometimes I feel like I am the only one who created this baby and my DH has nothing to do with it.

He makes me feel that he's doing enough work for the family by bringing the money. He wouldn't say it but when I complain that I am so tired, he always say "how about me? I worked so and so day and night". Can't even say that I am tired because he always replies that he's more tired.

Also one time I was so pissed that he was complaining that he can't go to sleep and he's soooo tired. I told him at least it's him who created the problem but when it comes to my sleep problem it's from someone else. Like DS or my 2 dogs who barks at night sometimes. I told DH to let them sleep in the garage(like they use to before we move into this house) so that they wouldn't bark and wake up the baby then me. DH would say okay but it didn't happen yet. Well, this dog issue is another whole story so I wouldn't start.

One time, my MIL and my DH was talking about how one should sleep good 8 hours to have healthy day... I told them how come moms with babies don't count?? They quickly changed the subject after saying "oh, right....moms...."

Normally I can just let go and tell myself that this time will pass and my DS will be a loving boy when he grow up.

But today, without any particular incident, I am just pissed off. It seems like more work is needed to be done but less help.

Does anyone have same situation and somewhat got out of it??? I've talked to DH heart to heart and he seemed to understand very well when we talk but there is no action after or that the talk didn't happen. He's so tired all the time.

I even thought about going back to work to see how my DH will react. He would say he won't mind and will be very supportive but I can see it already that it will be work during the day, come home and more work at night...

Oh boy that feels bit better. If anyone read all the way, thanks and if anyone would like to leave any comments, thanks in advance.

[Melanie]

I am so sorry, you definitely have my sympathy. I would have hit the roof long ago. Like you said, your hubby has a stressful job, but those 5-6 days off every TWO weeks?! Oh no, he should definitely be helping to care for his son then. Playing is great, but caring for him is so important for bonding. It sounds like he just wants to be, what I call, Disneyland Dad. All the fun and none of the responsibility.

What if you have a talk with your MIL about your concerns (without pointing fingers) and just tell her that you want your Dh to have some time alone with your son, without her help. Maybe sympathize and say you realize that when she was raising children, it was a different world than it is now, but you are raising children now and you want your son to know his father is there for him just as much as the next child's.

I grew up with a Dad like you describe, and let me tell you, I am not close at all with him. I try to tell myself that he didn't know any better, but the rest of the time I just can't deal with the thought that a grown man can't look outside his own upbringing to think what is best for his child.

Good Luck.

[Sarah1]

My dad is a physician, and when my sister and I were babies, he was basically never around. He was constantly on call (he was an OB resident at the time), and my mom says that when he tried to give us baths, we would scream. We basically had very little idea who he even was!

That said, I am *very* close to my dad. When we got older, we spent a lot more time with him. I can't speak to Melanie's situation, but I think a father not spending much time with a baby in his/her first year or two of life doesn't mean that he will never be close with his children. On top of all the concerns you have, I don't want you to be worried about that as well!

Some weeks, my DH helps out a ton. Other weeks, if he is particularly stressed out at work, he has less to give. I try to go with the flow and not get upset, because that doesn't help the situation. I find that the kinder, more supportive, and more understanding I am of my DH, the more he does around the house and with DD.

[Kate888]

{{{Hugs}}} I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's must be very tough feeling like you're alone in caring for your son.

Is your MIL asian by any chance? I don't mean to stereotype this, but situations like this have happened to some of my friends. If she is, I wouldn't talk directly to her about the situation as it may raise conflict between you.

Is it possible for you to hire some help, so you can take a break here and there? Maybe a cleaning lady, a baby sitter, or a in-home daycare place that you can drop him off for a few hours. You deserve to have time off, too. Let your husband know that a happy mom means better quality of life for the whole family.

Hugs to you!!


Kate
Mama to Maya 2-17-02 and Polo (my big black dog)http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/dog.gif


http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/kao/otn/ptrose.gif

[cuca_]

You've gotten good suggestions. How about just handing the baby off to DH when you are cooking dinner. I would simply smile, sit the baby in his lap an say "Honey, the baby needs a diaper change and I am in the middle of cooking", turn around and go back to the kitchen.

IMO, since the heart to heart talks seem to not work, you have to act. Inform him that on such and such date you are going out. Do it in a non-confrontational manner, and be very casual about it. If his mom ends up taking care of the baby, that is his choice and his loss, but you certainly need time to yourself.

I hope things get better.

Carmen

[cuca_]

oops, double post. Sorry!

[cuca_]

Sorry, did not mean to post 3 times!

[diekatze]

Yes, I've talked to my MIL about the different world. She seems to understand and agrees upon many things but once again, no action. When her son looks tired, "oh, go and rest, go and sleep, would you like to have some tea, coffee", on and on...

She feels that one(which is her daughter in law) should sacrifies in order to make every other member of the family comfortable. But my opinion, every should help so that no one would sacrifies. That's what I call "family". I know she's done her share and would expect daughter in laws(3 of us) to do the same.

I am tired of arguing... It seems like each time I talk, they all agree but it goes out to the other ear very soon.

I will see what happens this Saturday. She won't be around and I won't be either. Thanks.

[diekatze]

You are right. It doesn't help the situation to get mad at things all the time. That's why I am here. At least get my anger out. It seems to work to talk it out and let go. Also it's good to know that father and child bonding can happen later years. My dad was never around too and I still have hard time talking to him. I love him dearly but don't know what to talk about...

I think my DH appreciates all the work that I do around the house(mentioned it in the card) but wishing that he would be more involved...Not because I asked him to but he wants to... Well, thanks.

[diekatze]

Yes. She is an old traditional Asian lady. You are right. Very devoted and loving person. I love her dearly and this love thing didn't happen at first. I wanted to get her out of my house anyway I can. But after 6 years, we kindda bonded...^__^

She's much better now and stand on my side time to time but somethings never change and never will.

We thought about hiring outside help but MIL does enough help around the house. Mostly what my DH should be doing. My point is that I don't want my DH to be like old traditional Asian man. I definately don't want my DS to see what his dad does and learn from him either.

Let's see how it goes. Thanks.

[diekatze]

I like that and I tried couple times. Guess what my MIL jumped in and took care of DS. Maybe I am too concern about getting my DH get involved. It doesn't matter who cares for DS as long as I get some time off. MIL does wonderful job taking care of him, maybe even better than me. I am bit concern that she's over 70 and I don't want her to get sick. Often times when we have party, MIL takes care of DS and at night time I see her massaging her arms and shoulder...when we are not around. She's afraid that if we see her like that we won't let her take care of DS. I try not to let he do so much and take all the work arond the house because I feel bad.

I just want my DH to get involve in "caring" of DS's basic need so that they bond at early age and I won't feel bad that I am making old lady work too much.

Well, I feel much better today...Ever since the baby my mood is up and down. One day I am in good mood and next day I feel so upset!!! I hope this passes soon too.

Thanks.