Tired of people assuming that I work because I have to...LONG

[kijip]

Here we go again...Today someone, a friend's friend who I am liable to murder the next time I see her, said to me "Oh wouldn't it be great if your husband could work full time. Then you could stay home". I have heard MANY variations on this same theme over the last year and I am SO tired of it. Any parent who chooses to stay home and any parent who chooses to work should be supported in their choices- regardless of gender.

Right now I work 40 hours (part time by my previous standards when I worked 2 jobs and went to school full time). I am prepping for my next educational step and working at a job that I like. My husband works less than I do and would stay home full time if it were not for the stellar medical benefits he gets at his large company. He took several months off to be with Toby full time. Once we have another child and I finish school he will likely stay at home full time. This is because he is suited for full time care, aspires to be a full time parent and homemaker and because I do not have the talents it takes to be a stay at home parent. We are happy with this arrangment and have worked out semi opposite schedules (so we can each care for Toby) and are lucky enough to have relatives in the area when we both work (not very many hours).

Reasons why my husband is the better pick to stay home-

Patient
Loves house keeping- the man is addicted to cooking and design
Loves having lots of different, short, activies during the day-park, play, naps, feeding, bath.
Loves kids and prefers dealing with babies and toddlers than with grumpy adults
Is a great teacher of tasks- how to make a sign (we are using signs w/Toby), how to scoot down stairs, how to turn book pages. Later he will rock at school projects, crafts and music lessons (he plays piano if Toby is so inclined). He even currently volunteers to lead a parent group for couples with newborns.

We split tasks in a fairly typical way for a stay at home parent and their partner- he takes care of the lion's share of the house work (cooking, cleaning, scheduling, laundry) and Toby's care and I take care of the things to give him a break. I also take care of the things that he does not care about or does not like dealing with($$ bills and planning, details of medical care, washing diapers (new),repairs, spring cleaning, ironing). Toby is happy and attached to both of us. My husbad and I do things together and apart as far as hobbies and leisure.

So instead of being rewarded for exceling at domestic tasks my husband is derided by comments saying in not so many words that he is failing by not working full time. The assumption is often that he can't find full time work due to the economy and I am working to make up the difference. Some people have hinted/joked that all this domestic talent means he is gay. I don't take this as an insult but as a sad reflection on the depth of the type casting we do in the country. Also my husband is certainly interested enough in me for our marriage to be working out...

In short it is insulting to both of us that people feel the need to evaluate our home situation and make such cutting remarks. Of course lots of these same people would make nasty comments if I was the SAHP! You can never win with these busy bodies.

[suribear]

Just ignore them.. they're probably jealous! Your husband sounds like a gem. I think it's sad to hear those comments in this day and age.

Kris

[deborah_r]

Sounds like you have an awesome arrangement! Good for you. Only you and your DH know what is best for your family. I've been ranting about this same basic idea lately, that you have to be bothered by these comments and feel compelled to explain your reasoning to people who really should: A) go buy some tact and B) mind their own darn business!

My DH would probably be better at staying home than me, although I fear I'd never get him to do things like the laundry or cleaning the bathrooms. But he can keep the house cleaner as the day goes by; I let it get all messy and then clean it up before I go to bed.

[jbowman]

People used to say to me, "once you have the baby, you won't want to go back to work!" And now they are saying it again because I am basically at home this summer. It drives me crazy--this weird assumption that ALL mothers only work because they MUST! I adore my job (and went to school for a really long time in order to do it!) and would never dream of quitting. To me, the whole issue has nothing to do with whether you are a SAHM or WOHM (or in my case, a bit of both), it has to do with the choices that you and DH make together--and what works for the family!

It sounds as if you have the perfect solution! Too bad that less *enlightened* people can't see beyond their own stereotypes.

[jk3]

I completely agree. You're lucky to have him and a career you enjoy.

Whenever someone makes an inappropriate comment to me instead of getting angry I try to think about why the person feels a need to make the comment. Does he/she think it's helpful? Do they not realize how they sound? Do they care? Usually it is more of a reflection of the person than anything else.

Enjoy your family. Many people would love to trade places I'm sure!

Jenn
DS 6/3/03

[wagner36]

I am totally with you on this one. People can be so stupid about SAHDs.

My DH stays home too, and the other day someone said to me "Wouldn't it be nice if your DH wasn't unemployed so you didn't have to work so hard?" I ERUPTED. I mean, the woman who said these things to me was a SAHM! I said, "Goodness, I bet your husband must feel the same way - a little extra money would be nice, huh?" (this was extremely bitchy, since I know they're having financial problems). When she said that she "chooses" to stay home, I told her that my DH did too, and that we're lucky we can live so comfortably off of one salary. She thought that I'd been coming home late because I was picking extra hours up for overtime (but I'm salaried, so that's ridiculous - I just work a lot). I really like my job, and DH hated his, so this is the perfect arrangement for us.

Honestly, I think that my DH is better suited to be a SAHP too - he and C do all kinds of activities that I wouldn't think of, and he is also a great teacher. DH does have plans to go back to school for his graduate degree, and he's taking classes from time to time now so he doesn't lose his brain, but he will be the SAHP until our kid(s) are of school age.

Anyway, I don't think there is anyway to avoid comments like these - I try to let them bounce off as much as possible, but I consider them insulting to both myself and my DH - they insinuate that I'm not a good mother since I work out of the house, and that he's not a good provider, since he can't keep a job.

I must say, however, that I envy the housekeeping a little bit! My DH is a great cook, but we still need a cleaning lady...

[JMS]

I believe it is very difficult to put youself in someone else's shoes and therefore you should not judge others.
I also believe that what works for the family, is best for the family.

Ignore them if you are able.. but I'd have a hard time biting my tongue if someone made comments like that to me. :)

Congrats on finding such a good balance in your home. You son is lucky to have two great role models.

[McQ]

Well I think you have a great arrangement. And your husband sounds pretty darn perfect. Phooey on everyone else. People can be such asses.

Allison
~ mommy to Declan 3.24.03
and number 2 EDD 9.14.04

[Sarah1]

It IS unbelievable! You have every right to feel insulted. That woman probably has issues of her own and is trying to make herself feel better about her own situation. Otherwise, why would she feel the need to say something?? Argh. I cannot STAND judgmental people like that!

[starrynight]

Your dh sounds like a wonderful partner and dad. I'm sure it's just jealousy, it's hard to find a gem like that!

I know how my dh is and no way he could be the full time stay at home parent, does this person who makes comments have kids? Maybe her dh isn't all that together with housework and such so she thinks of him and wouldn't want him home full time?? It's still a poor excuse to be all out rude but sometimes people think after opening their mouth! ;)

[C99]

Maybe she was just projecting? I also do not work outside the home, and while I can understand the reasons that someone would choose to WOHM, I also know that it isn't the best choice for me and will admit that that colors my view of other people's situations. I would never purposely imply that someone (male or female) is a SAHP by default rather than by choice.

[peanut4us]

Makes you want to scream at the top of your lungs... "GO MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!" You'd think we were all living next door to june freaking cleaver! Sheesh. i cannot believe that she said that to you... actually I can... my DH stays home too, so I've heard that one before. usually followed with the "I hope DH can step up to the plate before you guys have another baby." WTH! YOU HOPE what? Why can't people just let it alone? In our little area of the world, it is very uncommon for the DH to be the SAHP, but it does happen. I run into it more often than you would think. Most of these families do so by choice, for a lot of the same reasons you described.

My DH too is infinitely more patient than I am and willing to do a million little things each day. He likes to cook to, but, I confess, he could take a page out of your DH's book about house cleaning LOL! This works for us. It wasn't the original plan, but then I don't know that we ever really, really thought about the original plan in terms of child care. You know? We've both been pleasantly surprised at how well it is working out and well suited we each are to our role. In fact, I'm upping the ante next year and going to law school. And he is supportive of that. We don't know if this is a permanent arrangement, but for now it is excellent for our family.

I LOVE that Sara adores her daddy... that she gets to be so extra close to us both. They have so much fun together, going on hikes, to storytime, to see a magician (right now, actually :)), to the local small airport to watch planes, to the park, to the stores. They read books, sign together, and play, play, play. I don't think that I would do half as good of a job with her as he does.

Most people assume that we must be in some bad financial way for Sara to not be in childcare with Scott workign or me at home... why it has to be the female at home, i'm not sure... But I get tired of it too. Darn it, I'm a really smart woman... there's no reason on this earth why I can't be the one to provide for my family.

My favorite type of comeback to any of those "put down/overly nosey" questions or comments is to hit them where they are vulnerable... usually in the pocketbook and sometimes in the dreams dept... something about not living with unfulfilled dreams... I typically find that the SAHMs who really are satisfied with their situation are not usually the ones who comment about mine. The ones who make the comments are usually either a bit unfulfilled or their family is tight on money.

Email me if you ever want to talk! And hang in there. They'll figure it out someday.

[sntm]

Yup, that was my first thought -- just because I do WOH and often wish I would win the lottery so I could stay at home (I would miss my work, but miss my boy more!) So I think she may have been projecting. It was an insensitive comment in any case.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[memedee]

Unfortunately some people have to put down other peoples choices in order to validate their own.
Also many people are just not happy so if they can make someone else a little unhappy, they feel a little better/along the lines of Misery Loves Company
Finally some people are just envious and jeolous.
My response to all of these people would be" I am not even going to justify that comment with a response" or I would do what my daughter does she just does not respond.
People rarely repeat the comment or question because by then they realize they were being innapropriate.

[crl]

Darn annoying. People are just stupid sometimes. Sounds to me like you've got a really great arrangement! In fact, DH and I planned on the same thing when we first got married, life has intervened and it won't work for us for now anyway. But it is fabulous that it works for you guys!

I can never come up with good comebacks on the spot, but an all-purpose one I plan to use in the future is "Why do you say/ask that?" Put the idiot on the spot!

[kijip]

Thanks to you all for your support. It is such a relief to know that there are enlightened parents everywhere...living in Seattle I would expect not to get the hogwash type casting but alas even liberal cities have big gender biases! I have started just raising my eyebrows about any gay remarks (not worth a response- my sex life is not really their business and there is no polite way to discuss my husband's sexual orientation- any contary remarks, however true, will just seem defensive which these busybodies will read as denial) and I will try your tips for the rest. I like the "Why do you say that" option a lot.

[lizajane]

haven't read other replies, but i can totally understand why you are so annoyed. my staying at home is best for OUR family, but i really think my BIL should stay at home when my sister has a baby (in a few years probably.) i think stay at home dads are VERY cool. i honestly don't think my sweet and loving dh could do it, as amazing as i think he is. anyway. just wanted to say that i am sorry people are so stupid.

now if only people would stop thinking that i stay at home because i don't need any more money...