Would you talk to SIL about problems with DH?

[cdlamis]

Let me just say that I don't have a lot of close girlfriends so my SIL is one of my only choices. My 3 close friends are my SIL (Dh's sister), my sister and another girlfriend. For variuos reasons, the only one I feel comfortable with sharing my marital problems would be my SIL, if she weren't DH's sister!

I can honestly say that 99% of my issues right now are all DH's fault. I feel very alone, isolated and sad. I just need to talk to someone and get it off my chest and get some advice. She has a very healthy marriage and would be able to tell me if I am way of base.

Would you divulge your marital problems with someone related to your DH?

Daniella
Mom to Julia 6-13-02
And baby #2 EDD 12-30-04!!

[pritchettzoo]

Yowsers. I don't think I would. Even if she's your best friend, she's been your DH's sister longer. I think it might put her in an awkward position where she feels she has to choose between you and her brother, or take sides in some manner--even if she agrees with you 100%. You could ask her if she'd feel comfortable talking with you about it, but she might not answer honestly for fear of hurting your feelings. That's so tough. I'm sorry you're in that spot.

Anna

[lmariana]

I'd say it depends on your SIL. From personal experience, I KNOW that I cannot talk to my sister in law about anything remotely related to my husband. I made the mistake of saying one small thing in passing a while back, and she is still holding on to it and has told her parents. We were really good friends too. Now, I've just learned to keep the conversation neutral, which is really hard for me since I'm a pretty open person.

Mariana
www.heinzandmariana.com
Mother of Gabriel, 08/14/2003

[StaceyKim]

I am close to my SIL but I would feel uncomfortable about her talking to me about my bro and their marital problems.
IMO, I would talk directly to my DH or talk to someone NOT related to DH who could offer you support.
HTH

[jubilee]

I would only say things to your SIL that you could directly say to your DH. I wouldn't ask her to keep secrets or anything. However, I think it's important to get counsel and perspective from other women that have a healthy marriage- and if she is the best choice then first ask her if she feels comfortable talking about a marriage issue you have. One issue I would be concerned about is how would DH feel if he knew that his sister and you were talking about him. It would be bad if he felt betrayed by his sister. If you go to church, maybe you have a women's leader that could help. You can always use us for a sounding board too!

[llcoddington]

A few years ago, DH and I went through a very rough time. I had two miscarriages and then DH was out of the country for a year for business and we didn't see each other much. Our marriage fell apart and both of us were not doing so well. I did talk to my SIL. Not to bash DH but to ask for wisdom and advice. We made it a point to never say anything critical about DH. Basically, she just prayed for both of us and helped me get through the hard days. We did talk about some of the decisions DH was making and what I should do. If DH had been listening to our conversation, I wouldn't have been embarrassed about what we were saying and DH wouldn't have been upset. I think that is important.

Lana
mommy to Lauren 12/5/03

[Sarah1]

No. As much as it helps to have someone to talk to, I would never talk about issues in my marriage with anyone in my or DH's family. Oh, actually, one time I broke down in front of my MIL when she was visiting us and DH was not being his nicest self. To this day I'm really embarrassed about it!

I am SO sorry you feel so isolated and alone. I can only speak for myself but I know I've felt this way at times (as I'm sure my DH has as well, LOL). If you really feel it would help you to talk to her, though, maybe you could test the waters by having a general discussion about marriage (i.e. "Having a child is such an adjustment for a marriage, don't you think? What's your experience been?" or something general like that, so it's not a conversation where you're pointing fingers at your DH and making her feel awkward).

Good luck, and hugs :)

[amp]

I don't think I would. It sure sounds like you have someone you need to talk to. I would consider posting here, or perhaps seeing a therapist, but I wouldn't talk about DH negatively to his family. It will probably come back to haunt you and cause more problems than you already have, but you will look like the bad guy. Good luck!

[miki]

It depends on your SIL and what kind of relationship she has with your DH. I have talked a lot with my SIL (DH's older sis) about various gripes I have had with DH. In fact, I talk more with SIL than DH does and she always calls me to chat, not him. I trust my SIL too keep a confidence about DH if I ask her to even though she is his sister. I often think she is quite insightful because of the fact that they grew up together.

Good luck.

[KYBelle1102]

My SIL (married to DH's brother) has commented about her other SIL (married to her DB) complaining about her brother. It puts her in an awkward position because 1) he's her baby brother, thus the protective instincts kick in 2)Even if she agrees that he's completely in the wrong, it's tough to circumvent him and tell SIL how to handle her baby brother... I think, in their case, the whole family has really babied "Baby brother" and no one has been willing to give him the kick in the butt that he needs.

I think a neutral party would be a better sounding board, but it depends on the relationship between you and SIL and SIL and DH....

[candybomiller]

Absolutely not.

If you need someone to talk to, vent here or find someone you can call. If you really need to talk to someone, pm me and I'll send you my phone number.

I read somewhere (can't remember where, but it might have been Dr. Laura) that you should never discuss problems with someone who knows both of you. I think it's because the more you are positive about your partner, the better your marriage (?!). I could be wrong about that, I'll try to find the book I read that in because it made a lot of sense to me at the time.

Anyway, it is definitely not a good idea to talk about your problems with dh to his sister. Don't put her in the middle of your problems. Talk to your dh instead of talking about him. Communication is an absolute necessity for a healthy relationship.

Like I said, if you really need to vent, I'll send you my phone number. I can definitely be an impartial judge. Plus, I'm a complete stranger so the chances of you actually meeting me are pretty slim. Like they say on the commercial - "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".

[August Mom]

I wouldn't. I've gone over this in my own mind and thought about talking about some things with MIL and with SIL (wife of DH's brother). However, I think it would forever change the family relationship, create tension and otherwise make things weird. And, even if the issues resolve, those weird feelings would still be there at every family gathering.

[tinkerbell1217]

I have talked to my SIL a few times about DH. Just little things that bug me and stuff with our kids that I need an "outside" opinion about. It has worked out okay. She holds no animoscity(sp??) towords me about anything I have said and actually agrees with me most of the time. I have also talked to my MIL about some things too and she has been great. I have been blessed with pretty good inlaws!

[cdlamis]

Thanks to all for the great advice! i still haven't decided what to do but I realized that SIL may not be the best choice and I won't be able to take back anything I say to her or tell her.

Daniella
Mom to Julia 6-13-02
And baby #2 EDD 12-30-04!!

[starrynight]

No but only because my sil and I are not close and no one in his family keeps their mouth shut. Within 4 seconds of hanging up the phone after talking to one of them the entire family knows on his side. So no way do I talk to any of them about major issues, I might complain once in awhile in a joking manner to my bil or sil to tell their brother to learn to change a diaper or something but I don't vent major stuff.

Hang in there I hope everything is ok. If you really need to talk pm me, I don't know if I will have great advice or not because my marriage is in the crapper right now but I can commiserate ;).

[masetane]

Truthfully, not a chance. I know you get on well with her but in the end blood is thicker than water and who knows, maybe it would travel to other family members. Seek help/advice from someone else and family issues private!!!
Caroline
Isabelle 10/1/00
Nicholas 2/27/03

[trumansmom]

I hate to be the lone dissenting voice out there, but I think it might be okay. My brother's wife is one of my closest friends. She's complained about him to me, and it didn't phase me one bit. I ADORE my brother. I was literally born with an intense case of hero worship for him, but I get that he's human, and that everyone is different in a marriage than they are with other people.

I guess my advice to you would be to tell your SIL you need someone to talk to and find out if she's uncomfortable or not. She may have a hard time telling you, so be sensitive to body language,etc.

Good luck. It's a yucky situation to be in.

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/29/01 and Eleanor 4/14/04

[bunnisa]

I think the most important thing to consider is how DH would feel about you talking to his sister. He might feel very hurt or betrayed, or he might not mind in the least. I think it's important to discern things from his perspective before you choose anyone.

In my situation, I wouldn't discuss DH with his family (Unless DH & I had made ourselves accountable to them --like to help us with an issue we were working on). Otherwise, it's none of their business! ;)

Bethany
It's a Boy!
William Eric
6/03