DH not being supportive about me as a SAHM

[cdlamis]

After my last DH post and some great advice, I really am trying not to vent about DH here but sometimes a girl just needs to vent! :)

DH and I had a fight about the importance of me staying home. Actually, I have a part-time job but I only got to the office 1-2 days/week so I feel like a FT SAHM. I said that staying home is for Julia and that's it. I do love staying at home but somedays I would rather be at work (isolation, terrible 2's, etc). Somedays I feel like a day in the office is easier! I chose this path for Julia. DH sees it as a luxury for me too and that I am lucky to stay at home. He mentioned that he would possible like me to return FT when baby #2 is 2 years old.

*Disclaimer- I support everyone's decisions- whether you stay at home or work out of the home. BUT for me and DD, I feel its best that I am at home with her and the primary one raising her.
I don't think the importance ends after she is 2 years old.

I really feel like if I do decide to stay at home longer, that I will be treated as if it's my choice only, I am not pulling my weight and not an equal around here. I really want DH and I to agree on this 100% so its not an issue. Anyone else with a similar situation?

Thanks for listening.

Daniella
Mom to Julia 6-13-02
And baby #2 EDD 12-30-04!!

[amp]

Daniella - My DH has hinted around at my possibly going back to work when DS starts school. I keep reminding him that DS will need me here to send him off to school and when he gets home. We made this decision before DS was born and it's important to both of us. I remind him of that when he starts to think about me working later on. I also have told him that I might want to be a room mom, or go on field trips, or whatever. Being a SAHM doesn't have to change because DS is in school, and especially not when he is two! I don't know what to say to your DH but I would impress upon him WHY you are staying at home now and how those same reasons will exist when Julia is two. Tell him how incredibly important it is for you to be the one that is bonded with her and caring for her each day and give specific examples of when this has been a big deal (ie - when she was sick, when she crawled the first time etc.). Let him know how critical it is to you and how critical you think it is for Julia. Hopefully he will see your side of it! Good luck!

[pamela mom of 3]

Hmm well my first question would be have you asked him why he wants you to work FT instead of SAH?





~Pamela Mom Of 3

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[jk3]

It makes me feel so sad to read posts like that. It is just so hard to be a mom! It's great that you are able to spend most of your time with your DD and that you work part time. To me, that seems ideal. You get to have a career outside of the home and you get to be the primary careperson. It's never easy but it's especially difficult when you + DH are not on the same page.

In my situation I am taking a two year leave with my DS. The second year was a major issue but I won on that front. However, if we have a second during this two year timeframe, I will most likely have to go back to work or at best I can eek out one more year. If I had the option to work part time, I would be thrilled but as a teacher I would have to give up tenure in order to do so + I'm not willing to do that.

Since I teach I know how important it is for parents to be involved. That said, some of my favorite kids are children of working parents + some are of SAH parents.

It's hard because SAH parents are DEFINITELY pulling the weight. It is much more challenging to be at home than to be at work IMO. I wouldn't change it for the world but it's a lot of work-constant work-and many do not respect how hard SAH parents work.

For my DH, the financial burden is an issue. When I'm working, I make a decent salary (our teachers are highly paid compared to other parts of the country) plus our benefits, including free healthcare for the family, are terrific. So unless we win the lottery, I'm going to work full time in the not so distant future. Before I had DS, I remember thinking the teachers with kids had completely lost it. One would cry every day because she couldn't bear leaving her 2 year old. Another would call her 3 year old every day at lunch time. I really didn't get it...Now I do!

I wish I could be a class parent or that I could go on a field trip but it probably won't happen too frequently. I even get upset thinking about parent-teacher conferences. I always make exceptions + schedule 7:30 AM conferences with working parents but many teachers aren't so accomodating. I also would be horrified if my child's teacher thought I was uninvolved because I worked...Another long story!!!

I hope you figure it out. It seems like you might be able to comprimise + continue to work part time. It really is so difficult.

Jenn
DS 6/03

[lisams]

Daniella, I'm sorry you are going through this. I have a close friend going through the same situation, only her little girls are 2 1/2 and 1. Her husband hints at them needing her to go back to work. Only problem is that the cost of someone else caring for the two girls almost defeats the purpose. I feel for her, it seems like her DH doesn't understand that she is doing A LOT at home. If she goes to work how will housework get done in the evenings and on the weekends, who will plan the meals, shop for them and then prepare them. If she goes to work, her DH will need to help out a LOT more than he is now and I don't think he gets it. Also, she will likely want to hire cleanig help and eat out more often (he's not very helpful in these departments) which will add to the cost of her working. And the biggy is that she just simply wants to stay home to raise her daughters, she doesn't want to go to work. I know it bothers her terribly and pulls at her heart when she even thinks about leaving them for a f/t job.

I wish I had some advice for you. Maybe you could sit down and figure out why he wants you to go back to work. At least you have a while to discuss this. I hope that you are able to come to an agreement that makes everyone happy.

Lisa

OT, but how are you doing in this heat with the humidity going up? I can't even imagine being pregnant this time of year. Hopefully we'll get some rain soon!

[brigmaman]

Daniella, I'm going to email you tonight when I have more time. We're in similar situations. Though dh only hints about my SAH status. I'm actually afraid to have the conversation with him. In fact I subbed this year as much as possible (usually about 2 days a week) and this summer I'm gardening. Honestly I think I took this job to see if it made any difference in the way I'm being treated by dh. So far, it hasn't really mattered. Somehow it's not enough. On top of that, even though I've stepped it up with working, I somehow still have every responsibility as a "house manager" that I had as a SAHM.
While I do feel lucky to be able to stay at home, it's not easy to be working this hard as a parent and have dh be unsupportive. I love being home with ds and I take pride in whatever I do whether it's raising Brig or taking care of the house.
Ugh...I guess I just know where you're coming from. I see you use phrases like "pulling my weight" and I feel like it's me writing.
Anyway I'm rambling...I'll write more later.

[tinkerbell1217]

Me and DH went through this a bit a few years back. Before I got PG again and my kids were already in school. He felt I should be working since they were in school. I did and I hated it. Especially with my DS being disabled. I missed out on his first field trips and lots of things I would have loved to have been involved with. I also had a hard time balancing work, homework, baths, housework, etc. He never wanted to help, but still wanted me to work. After 2 years back at work, I said enough! It wound up being the best decision for all of us for me to stay home. We had more money, if you can believe that! Since I didn't have to pay after school care for DD or worry about my grandma watching DS after school(she was in her early 70's by then, very active, but still old to be watching children) I was a much more relaxed and confident mom. I had housework done, clothes washed, groceries always in the house, homework was less of a headache and I got to go on both DD and DS field trips and activities at school! I finally got to see their Halloween parade! It helped that a year later I started receiving monthly dividend checks (I am Seminole indian and we get a per capita share of all gambling revenues) so I also have money coming in going towords bills too. My kids were much happier too. Especially DD. Now that they are both in high school they enjoy my being home all the time. DD likes the fact I can attend her school meetings for color guard and anytime I have a meeting about DS its easy for me to attend. With the new baby coming I am sure it will be a little hectic at first, but I cannot imagine working with an infant and 2 teenagers!

DH LOVES the fact that I am able to stay home now with no financial problems. He always has work clothes ready and pressed, dinner on the table cooked by me, not take out, we put the kids to bed together (yes, we still do!), and the house is clean most of the time. I also handle all the bill paying. He works, fixes anything that needs fixing, takes out the garbage and even cooks sometimes. We share most of the chores. He has his, and I have mine. I have more, of course, but I feel like its a partnership.

I am truly blessed to be able to stay home. I missed my kids terribly when I worked. Anyone who loves their job and can do it, my hats off to you! It just wasn't for me!

[jubilee]

Daniella,
Read "Misery Moms"- this books helps break down how much income you are really contributing and if it is worth working. Really crunch the numbers and present the findings to your husband.

I'll send you an email in the next few days with more info.

[kathsmom]

Julie,

Is it supposed to be "Miserly Moms"? If so, I have read the book and it is very enlightening as to how little the second wage earner actually brings home after taxes, business clothing, child care, eating out more, less time to shop for things on sale, etc. The author is Jonni McCoy and she has a website that you can visit. There are sections with frugal tip and frugal recipes. The address is www.miserlymoms.com .

Daniella, I want you to know that I totally feel for you in this situation. Fortunately, my DH does not want me to work right now. He saw how stressed out I was when I did work when DD was little (she is 8 years old now). It was difficult on us all. I worked on an as-needed basis as a speech pathologist for nursing homes. I worked about 50-60 hours per week (one of the rehab supervisors wouldn't even let me take lunch breaks or 15 minute breaks during the day, but that's a whole different story). Would you be stressed out working full time? If so, could you talk to him and tell him that it would be much better for you and your family as a whole for you to be home?

I wish you the best of luck with everything. I am looking into going back to work in a couple of years when DS (who is almost 2)starts preschool/kindergarten. I might go back earlier though, because my mother has offered to retire and come live with us and take care of DS.

Good luck and let us know how things are going.

[jubilee]

LOL!! It is supposed to be "Miserly Moms". Thanks for catching that :) Too funny!

[cdlamis]

To everyone-
thanks for all your kind words and support. We are talking through it.
It helps to just vent!
Daniella
Mom to Julia 6-13-02
And baby #2 EDD 12-30-04!!

[cdlamis]

Pamela-
He wants me to work Ft someday for $ reasons. We can make it on my PT salary but it's work. For me, it is completely worth it to be able to stay home.

Daniella
Mom to Julia 6-13-02
And baby #2 EDD 12-30-04!!

[August Mom]

I sorry that you are having to deal with this. I agree that staying home is one of the most important things you can do. I hardly see it as a luxury when I have trouble fitting a shower into the morning. :) But, I am fortunate that DH and I were on the same page on this subject before we even got married. However, I really don't think he appreciated that amount of work involved until I left DS with him for almost a whole day. That really turned a light on in his head. So, that's my suggestion for you. If possible, let your DH care for Julia for a whole day. At least that should get the luxury issue off the table.

[pamela mom of 3]

I understand it is hard to run on one income, I'm sure you can work something out that suits you both in longterm, good luck ;)

~Pamela Mom Of 3

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http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-ppstrollers

[kijip]

I just wanted to point out that the fact that you figured out your wants before you got married is great! So many people go into marrige without considering if they agree with their partners on these critical issues. I also totally agree that watching the kids for a day is a wake-up call for working parents about just how much effort their partner is expending.

[workaholic]

Ask your husband what it is that YOU should do without in order to stay at home. I gave up haircuts, new cloths and dining along with a car payment and much more. If money is the issue (because there doesn't seem to be extra), ask him what he wants you to give up.

DH supported my staying at home but it seemed it was rubbed in occasionally that we barely made ends meet. I feel ya honey...

Aimee Larsen
Momma to Cooper
Crossing fingers for another...
Owner: Ella-Bags

[jubilee]

The August 2004 issue of BabyTalk (I think you can get this free at BRU?) has an article called "10 ways to save"- and #3 talks about if it is worth it financially to work. They say financial planners say you need to make over $25,000 to be worth working. Otherwise you just break even with the extra expenses like childcare, or you actually don't make any money.

I found a website that has a "stay at home calculator" to help figure out if you'd even make any money by working outside the home. http://www.parenting.com/parenting/tools/budget/stay_home.html

[jk3]

Thanks! I was all excited about that calculator, especially since I'm always telling my DH that it wouldn't pay for me to go back to work, but even with a $500/week nanny estimate and some liberal estimates in other areas we're still ahead financially if I go back to my teaching job. I'm going to have to bite the bullet on this one but hopefully I'll be able to extend my leave for a third year...=0

Jenn
DS 6/03

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[firstbaby]

Daniella:

I was in the same situation a few months ago. The look on DH's face when I told him I didn't want to go back FT but would work PT if at all was speechless - he wasn't happy. When things would get tough around the house (I would be tired from the day) he would immediately snap "I don't know why you don't go back FT" - well, honey, that's not the point. But guess what? DH finally got his wish - work got swamped and they made me a sweet offer to come back FT temporarily to dig out. Guess what happened? The house never got cleaned, bills were late, DS was unhappy, I was always snappy -- and DH saw the light. Right before I went back to my PT schedule DH was dreaming of having the house clean again, DS relaxed with me relaxed, bills paid on time again, etc and now DH wants me to be SAHM. It's funny how showing them how the grass isn't always greener shows them ;)

[cdlamis]

Another thing that has helped is that I am now pointing out all that I do during the day that I defineitely would not if I worked FT.
"Oh, you like that I did 4 loads of laundry?" or "that I cleaned out the pantry" or "that I have an entire month's menu planned out".

I take great pride in being the "house manager" (like someone here put it) and I make sure DH knows it now.

I really feel as if DH knows its better that I stay at home but it is something that he pulls out during an argument! I guess I have realized that and try not to take it too personally. Men!

Daniella
Mom to Julia 6-13-02
And baby #2 EDD 12-30-04!!

[MartiesMom2B]

DH wants me to go back to work full time after our kids are in school. You should've seen the look on his face when I said "Well I'm not going back to the work force until 2013" He started laughing and was amazed that I wouldn't go back until 2013. But HE wants our children 5 years apart and we agreed (before we got married) that I would stay at home with our kids until they went to school.

Oh and I did tell DH that we'd have to hire a housekeeper too. When he asked why I told him that I won't have time to clean the house anymore if I worked. I'm not going to waste precious time with my children scrubbing the toilets.

Ooooh you're post just made me realize that he'll have to take his clothes to the cleaners again, because my ironing days will be over too.

Sonia http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/character/1/character03.gif
Proud Mommy to Martie