Day Care Provider Issue (I'm going to loose my job if this continues)

[HelenD]

I currently take my DD to a private home day care provider where she is currently only 1 of 4 children, 2 of which belong to the woman who does day care. My mother in law also keeps DD 1 day a week, usually Thursdays. My MIL is retired and does this by choice since DD is the only local grandchild and she LOVES spending time w/ her. When I was interviewing this DCP (Day Care Provider) I told her this, and asked if I could get a discount since she would only be watching her 4 of 5 days. She told me, of course, no, that I had to pay the full amount – the deal was that if she was available, and my DD wasn’t there, I had to pay. If she wasn’t available, then I got the discount.

Well, as things go, everyone once in a while my MIL couldn’t do a Thursday, and I let DCP know DD would be there that Thursday. Without fail, DCP has not been available. Up until about 3 months ago, she always gave me a discount for that day (and I ended up having to take the day off). About 3 months ago, I finally asked if she was available 5 days or 4 days. She has apparently decided with the one other child she keeps that she is going to work only 4 days. But I never got that message until I tried to pin her down on this. So anyway, she is now officially only available MTW and F – and my cost was never adjusted. She also told me that she would give me months advance notice when she would go on vacation, yet the first of July told me that she was going on vacation the next week for 4 days (well, 5 but she has Thursdays off, so…). My mother in law and I covered. Then recently my MIL wanted to switch her Thursday for a Wednesday so that she could go see one of her other grandchildren in a regional swim meet. DCP wouldn’t do it (even though MIL has switched her day numerous times to accommodate DCP). So I have to take yet another day off.

To make a long story short (I know, too late), I have yet another Thursday coming up where I need a sitter. If I take the day off that will be the 4th unscheduled leave day I’ll have taken off in less then 5 weeks. My work understands, but it is very much beginning to appear as if I am taking advantage of their policies. No one has said anything, but I can tell this is noted.

I understand that the DCP needs a day a week to have Drs. Appointments and such. She plans these things on Thursdays. I totally understand this. I also totally understand that my MIL is entitled to take a vacation or to switch days around since she worked hard most of her life and wants to enjoy her retirement. I also know my work needs to be able to count on me being at work on a regular basis. And that all this is making my life heck. DD LOVES this DCP. The DCP is well spoken, interacts well with the kids, and in every way is a dreams come true in terms of child care…all except this. I am so stressed I’m in tears about this, because the only thing I can think to do is change DCPs. DD is 10 months old and very attached to this DCP. The DCP is relatively convenient and passed my interviewing and reference check with flying colors (which one friend who does Secret Clearances said was BETTER then that). I hate to change, but what do I do? I can’t loose my job – obviously. I need to respect my mother in laws right to change when she needs to – she does SO much for DH, DD, and myself, I can’t even consider “a sit down” with her. She always gives me notice and they are always very reasonable things she needs to do.

I just feel so mislead. It seems to me that DCP wants it both ways. She wants to get paid for 5 days, have a day off a week, switch when convenient for her, and never bend to help my MIL out. I feel as if I’m being pushed around and taken advantage of. Am I being unreasonable and freaking out unnecessarily?

Sorry this is so long. I’ll stop now. Thanks for listening.

[Momof3Labs]

You are absolutely not freaking out - this DCP has been ripping you off and lying to you (yes, LYING). She may have passed your initial screening with flying colors, but she's failing miserably now and deserves to be fired, IMO!

It sounds like you really need someone who will make all five days available to you, whether you pay for the fifth day or not. And it's definitely not this DCP! In fact, if I were you, even if she changed her tune and offered to make herself available 5 days per week, I think that I'd still move. The lying part really, really bugs me...

[cinrein]

I agree that the DCP wants it both ways and you are being taken advantage of. The lying is really bad. I can appreciate how hard it is to find another DCP, but I have to wonder if she's lied about this, then what else?

I think you need to find someone available 5 days a week. That gives your MIL flexibility and gives you reliable day care 5 days a week. If you end up using her only 4 days, then so be it. It sounds like a lot of the time you end up needing the 5 days and you were OK with paying for 5 days and some weeks only using 4, provided she was really available 5 days. I would set up the care for 5 days a week and not even mention that sometimes your MIL will take her 1 day a week. I don't think you will find a DCP willing to provide care for 4 days a week that can sometime be different days and sometimes be 5 days, KWIM?

If you really want to keep your current DCP, I think you need to inform her that you need someone 5 days a week and if she can't do it, then you will find someone who will. If she's willing to lose you over that 1 day, then you know she isn't as happy with your relationship as you are.

Cindy and Anna February 2003

[lisams]

That is just wrong, and dishonest. I personally would be very upset about this, probably enough to go find another provider. I would have a hard time trusting her after this, but that is just me.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, I hope things work out!

Lisa

[JElaineB]

I agree with everyone else. You should find another daycare provider ASAP. This one is not being professional and has lied to you. I would also agree to just pay another provider for 5 days and just not bring DD on the days your MIL wants to take her (letting the new provider know the day before or whatever). It seems your MIL might enjoy a little more flexibilty in her schedule to see your daughter.

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[sntm]

I agree with PP.

I don't know what to do to ease transition for your DD. My daycare has different providers for different ages, but they start to introduce babies to the next room/provider well before they transition and then have a transition week where they gradually spend more of the day in the new room, always stopping if the child isn't adjusting well. Ideally, maybe your MIL could have a week where she is the one to transition your DD to a new caregiver, going there one day and spending an hour or two there with her and then both leaving, and the next day leaving her alone for an hour or two, and longer the next.

When you DCP does things like that, do you call her on it? Like when she gives short notive for vacation, do you tell her "we had agreed that you would give me 4 weeks notice." etc? I'm nonconfrontational, so I probably wouldn't have either, but you may want to try that too in the meantime.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url]
Breastfeeding 13 months and counting

[rottiemom]

I feel your pain! Just recently went through a similar situation. I have to agree with the other posters, you NEED to find a new day care provider ASAP, one that is available five days a week. Providing daycare for a child is a JOB and must be treated as such by the individual providing the care. I'm sorry that your daughter is so attatched to the current provider, it's going to be tough but she may end up being just as happy with the new one.

Trust me, your employers may be understanding but repeated absences will cause a problem. And then there are going to be those (hopefully scarce)times when you have to take off because your baby's sick. It is much easier on you & your sanity when you have five days covered.

I had a family member watching my little guy when I went back to work until I could find permanent daycare (impossible to find daycare for an infant in my area but that's a different story & I don't want to hijack your post :))who always had something going on on Mondays. Then her kids would get sick & she couldn't watch mine...my boss is very accomodating but it got to the point where I was getting docked. Then I got the "talking to". Ugh.

Good luck! I don't envy you on your search but I would not stay with this DCP any longer.

Nina

[McQ]

I think this DCP is ripping you off and taking total advantage of you. It's like she wants it both ways - her way.

Either call her on it or find somebody else. You're paying for 5 days and you should get service for 5 days - it's your choice if you don't want to use one of those days. And she needs to honor the arrangement and rules you both have agreed to.

It sounds like you've got a great set-up with your MIL though. You're lucky there.

Allison
~ mommy to Declan 3.24.03
and number 2 EDD 9.14.04

[KGoes]

I agree with everyone else -
Let me add only that I know that DCP issues make for alot of stress for a working mom, and you are entitled to relieve that stress by finding a DCP who can meet your requirements.
Good luck!!
Kelley
DD born 7/03

[HelenD]

Thanks to everyone first of all for reading my novellette.

I am in the process of trying to find a new DCP but it's SO HARD. Is it always this hard?

The current DCP and I had a talk and I told her I had to have someone 5 days a week. She's told me that she could "work" with me on some days as long as I didn't mind her taking DD with her on her errands. I think this opens up a can of worms, and based on history with this DCP, if I give an inch she takes several thousand miles.

I am so overwhelmingly angry about this. Yesterday I had to leave work, go outside to my car and scream and bang the stearing wheel around a bit to feel even marginally better. My hands where shaking. I'm mad and really incredible frustrated because I can't say anything or do anything for fear that it will adversal effect DD. If I let my anger get the best of me and say something, I don't think that's the best thing if DD is still in her care. And I can't leave myself without a DCP. Argh!

And because I'm this angry, I'm worried that I'm over the edge. I can never remember ever being this angry that I'm physically angry (shaking). Is this normal? Do you think my reaction could be a symptom of baby blues/depression? i KNOW I'm not handling this issue well internally. I guess not being able to quickly and appropriately deal with this is just eating me up. But I have to be patient and get a new situation set up first. GRRR. So frustrating.

And after all this, she had the NERVE to ask me to pick DD up before 2 this afternoon so she can get out of town early.

I'm going to interview someone this afternoon. Let's hope it works out.

[stella]

Helen,
don't feel bad about looking for someone else. She is not a "professional" day care provider. By that I mean that she is always trying to arrange things so that she does not have to care for your daughter - leaving early, running errands, working only four days a week. She just wants the money as long as it does not inconvenience her.

And I would no longer want my baby there. Imagine yourself trying to take three or four children on every errand and doctor's visit. You'd be nuts and probably not very nice to the one who was making it difficult on you - your child, the "extra one."

I know that there are many of you who do have three or four children and more power to you! But I have two and I try to avoid taking both of them to appointments. And if someone wanted me to take and "extra" child (not mine), I would be crazy.

She wants to be a SAHM, not a professional. She does not get that her job is to allow you to do your job while knowing that your baby is in good, capable hands. Days off and short afternoons do not allow you to do your job well and with peace of mind. Dump her.

And I'm sorry you are having trouble finding someone else. Just keep looking. Good Luck!

[dotgirl]

Helen - I'm not sure where you live, but if you're in the Seattle area, give me a PM - I have an awesome DCP who has an opening right now. Our son loves her to death, and she's just wonderful.

[HelenD]

Penny,

Seattle is a bit far for me. I'd go a long way for good realiable day care, but....I'm in Virginia, south of DC and north of Richmond. Thanks anyway!

But if anyone knows anybody in this area!

[Momof3Labs]

Helen, post this in the Lounge since lots of people will see it - we have lots of moms in your area, and can probably get you some recommendations! Do you work for a large company? Our company offers a service that searche for day care openings for you, though it is only somewhat helpful (they don't do interviews or anything).

I'm sorry that you are going through this!! Good child care is hard to find!

ETA: It isn't a quick solution, but have you considered an au paire? You pay room and board and $140/week, and they give you up to 45 hours of child care per week (flexible schedule). There is also a $5500-6000 upfront fee (travel, training, etc.). I've heard very good things about Cultural Care out of Boston!

[cinrein]

Helen,

I don't know how to answer your question about PPD, but I'd be beyond angry too. I think you hit the nail on the head because it's a situation where you can't immediately deal with it without compromising your DD's care. Plus it's your DD, probably nothing is more important to you than that.

Good luck with your interview. And keep banging on stuff to get it out of your system. Sometimes it helps me to write a long email that I never send. :)

Cindy and Anna February 2003

[McQ]

Helen ~

Your DCP is acting like a real jerk and I totally understand why you are angry. I also understand why you don't want to lose your cool on this lady while she's still caring for you daughter.

And I, out of spite, would not have let her go early today. How does that make me look!

And where are you in Virginia? I'm in Alexandria. And while I don't know of any in-home facitilies or even day care facilites (we have a nanny), one of my friends just yesterday told me of this nanny agency that only employs ex-teachers. Maybe that's worth a look.

Hang in there and I hope you find someone soon. PM me if you want.

Allison
~ mommy to Declan 3.24.03
and number 2 EDD 9.14.04